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Original poster

newish man snogging an unknown man in a club

89 replies

captainBeaky · 01/11/2015 09:17

He thinks I shouldn't be bothered by this at all, even though he did it right in front of me. The whole situation was instigated by the other man, but my oh seemed to enjoy it. It started out kind of jokey until I tapped his arm to stop now but he continued. He says he liked the attention. I'm not feeling that I can trust him at all right now. He assures me that he adores me but I actually do not know what to think. Opinions gratefully received

OP posts:
Original poster
captainBeaky · 02/11/2015 07:31

Thank you for all of your replies. We have been together for about 8 months. I realise that you are all staying I should leave him, but I honestly don't know what to do. He is extremely remorseful, and I actually don't think he would do anything like that again. Is it worth throwing away something that is otherwise good over something he just saw as a bit of 'post-modern' fun? He really didn't think I would be upset and thought I would find it funny. He thinks it is different as he isn't bi-sexual and he would never have done it with a woman. He is a fucking idiot, but I want to believe that we can get over this. I don't know. My head is a mess this morning.

OP posts:
CherryPicking · 02/11/2015 07:32

What a bastard. Fine if you're both in a consensual open relationship and have agreed beforehand its OK to do that in front of each other. But you weren't and he didn't. You'll be so much happier without him OP

CherryPicking · 02/11/2015 07:33

He us somewhere on the Kinsey scale - or no way would he have carried on - he was clearly enjoying it very much and gave not one shit how you felt. You really want to be with someone who treats you that way?

Shockers · 02/11/2015 07:40

Ok, he's not bisexual. I'm not bisexual either and because of that I don't think I could snog a woman 'for post modern fun', or any other reason.

But will you always have a bit of doubt now OP?

RedMapleLeaf · 02/11/2015 07:43

Was he "extremely remorseful" after the event? Or is this a new tactic after his first, authentic reaction didn't work?

Original poster
captainBeaky · 02/11/2015 07:47

He was extremely remorseful once he realised how hurt and humiliated I felt. He is desperately trying to make up and I know he will be gutted if I end it. I have shown him your replies and I think he does feel utterly ashamed. I'm not convinced it is enough though. BTW, I called him a pretentious wanker for his 'post-modern' wanky comment!

OP posts:
Qwertybynature · 02/11/2015 07:57

Post-modern fun Hmm. He's behaved like a complete twat. If you're going to give him another chance you're going to have lay the law down on what behaviour you will and will not tolerate, and if it happens again you're going to have to stick by what you said.

I don't really understand why you've shown him the replies on here, it's a bunch of strangers dishing out hypothetical advice. He should be more ashamed he humiliated you in public.

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 08:04

I really don't understand. What was the point of it? Most people I know don't just snog other people randomly.

Wristy · 02/11/2015 08:07

Was it just you and him at the club?
I wouldn't even give any credit to 'I wouldn't have done it with a girl'. He humiliated you and if you think about he humiliated that other man by then shooting him down.
Do you really want to be with someone who treats people (strangers, supposed loved ones, anyone really) like that?

Original poster
captainBeaky · 02/11/2015 08:12

The bloke came up to him and asked for a kiss. He complied, then when I tapped him on the shoulder to stop he carried on regardless. He suffers from self-esteem issues and thinks he is ugly. Clearly this was an ego boost for him. I have spent the past 8 months convincing him he isn't ugly. What happens when someone else boosts his ego?

OP posts:
Original poster
captainBeaky · 02/11/2015 08:13

yes, just me and him in the club

OP posts:
patterkiller · 02/11/2015 08:23

God he sounds like hard work.

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 08:26

It does indeed sound like very hard work.

Enjolrass · 02/11/2015 08:33

So what happens when shagging someone is the only way to boost his ego?

Honestly OP, my dh is bi-sexual. The fact that it was a man makes no difference.

It was disrespectful and he isn't respecting your feelings now.

Does he have low self esteem or is he one of those people that acts like they do in order to get people to compliment them? Or uses it as an excuse to act how he wants?

AnyFucker · 02/11/2015 08:33

Yep, he is ugly all right

But not in the way he thinks

Isetan · 02/11/2015 08:34

He isn't mature enough to be in a relationship if he thinks snogging a random in front of his gf is OK and to add insult to injury, he attempted to make out that your upset was because you weren't hip enough.

You're right to be worried about the next time he needs an ego boost, look OP he made himself feel better at your expense, that isn't low self esteem that's plain old selfishness. His remorse is designed for you to develop amnesia and not because he's sorry he's humiliated you.

If you want a future of stating the f*cking obvious, then by all means stick with this idiot.

Original poster
captainBeaky · 02/11/2015 08:37

Thanks again for replies. I have to go to work now. I am so fucking angry with him. I don't think I can move on from this

OP posts:
cupcakelovinggirl · 02/11/2015 08:44

Everyone has made the point of saying they are not homophobic but seriously a straight man snogging a random man?? This is the weirdest thing I have ever heard and I would be shocked by this and yes I'll say it - mainly shocked because it's two men and one claiming to be straight!! Sorry but I would leg it.

Fontella · 02/11/2015 08:45

He thinks he's 'ugly' and therefore snogged a random stranger to improve his 'self esteem issues' and give himself an 'ego boost', at the same time as indulging himself in a bit of 'post-modern fun'.

Confused

I've read some shite on here ... but if there was a Shite Olympics then that just won the gold medal.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2015 08:45

I don't blame you.

You have spent the last 8 months stroking his fwagile ikkle ego and this is how he repays you

I reckon there is nothing wrong with his self esteem at all. He is a headfucker and he gets off on it. The "remorse" now is because he thought he had you headfucked enough to tolerate this. Hopefully you are going to prove him wrong

This is the kind of guy that if you had kids with him would be shagging someone else before the episiotomy was healed because you were giving too much attention to the baby

You have been warned

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 08:48

After 10 years you find him shagging the window cleaner over your handmade oak dining table and he just turns to you and says 'you always knew I was bi and never worried about me and other men dahling'.

Like AF says - you have been warned.

Only1scoop · 02/11/2015 08:50

He doesn't think for a minute you will dump him. I would do so immediately. Without any further chatter.

Suggest he joins a drama group to fill his winter evenings.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 02/11/2015 09:29

I realise that you are all staying I should leave him, but I honestly don't know what to do

Well you're a fool then.

I dumped someone who was otherwise "perfect for me" after 5 months because I didn't like the way he craned his neck in the car to look at a couple of late teens/early 20s women.

I certainly wouldn't put up with the lack of respect snogging someone else in front of you indicates.

8 months is nothing and trust and fidelity is a basic.

CherryPicking · 02/11/2015 09:47

In so glad you're angry OP - that's the spirit - stay angry - you are a human being and therefore you deserve respect. If you stay you'll have only a lifetime of gaslighting to look forward to. You deserve someone amazing.

Enjolrass · 02/11/2015 09:54

I am glad you are angry. You bloody should be.

As I said, my dh is Bi. I would be fucking furious if he did this with either a man or woman. One wouldn't be worse than the other for me.

It's not normal or decent behaviour.