Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguments with dp - who is wrong in this situation and how to resolve future arguments

69 replies

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:15

We were at DP's friends wedding yesterday. I knew no-one there except for one couple who were on a different table to us. DP has form for going off and chatting to people and leaving me on my own - I'm normally ok with this as I understand he may not have seen his friends for a while. And as long as he leaves me in the company of someone I can normally make small talk. However this wedding yesterday started at 2pm but the dancing didn't get going til past 9pm. So I've had over 7 hours of being left and making small talk with people I have just been introduced to.

The dancing eventually started and i was really looking forward to enjoying myself and having a dance with dp as well as his friends. So we're on the dance floor by ourselves and he spots someone and goes to walk off - I grab his hand and say don't leave me as I am on my own on a dance floor surrounded by people I don't know. He shrugs my hand off and goes off anyway. So I'm stood there like a lemon surrounded by dancing people I don't know (not dps friends - other randoms at the wedding). I stand there for a while hoping he'll be back soon. He isn't. I can't go to the bar to get myself a drink as its a cash bar and dp has walked off with all the cash in his pocket. The other people I had been introduced to were all busy chatting to other friends of theirs - these were all old uni mates who hadn't seen each other for a while and were all in their little cluster of friends catching up - having only just met them i didn't feel comfortable to go and join in the conversions as they were chatting to people I hadn't been introduced to. So I went and sat at the table on my own and pretended to check my phone - there was no reception so I couldn't even message someone or check mumsnet! After a while I felt a bit stupid as it was so obvious I had been stranded so I went to the toilets. I sat in a cubicle for a while to pass the time as I had no idea where he was. I'm not sure how long he'd been gone by this time - it definitely felt like quite a long time.

I'm now quite upset. I leave the toilets and bump into him. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him. He says he's sorry and he didn't realise. Now as far as he's concerned he's apologised and I should snap out of it. So he follows up his apology with he didn't think I was like this and I've ruined the wedding for him and he would never do this to me. So now I'm upset and angry that he's blaming me. Had he just apologised and left it at that, bought me a drink, gave me a cuddle it would have been ok - it was such a minor thing. Instead he starts having a go at me in front of all his friends, swearing and making a scene. I walk off as I'm not one for drama especially at weddings in front of a bunch of strangers.

We left to come home (with his friends so everyone was leaving at this point anyway) and he can't let it go. Keeps saying he wants to sort it out and saying he's sorry but finishing off his apology by saying he's angry too and it's my fault we're arguing and I've ruined his friends wedding.

I feel this is the crux of all our arguments. We don't argue often as I think I'm quite easy going but every time I'm upset with him and tell him it always blows up into a much bigger argument because of the way he responds to me. I'm the upset one, yet he's the one that ends up angry and having a go at me! Im not sure how he thinks getting angry with his upset fiancé is going to improve matters. I then get angry and I admit after he laughed at me yesterday when we were in bed and I was trying to explain why I wasn't the one in the wrong here I ended up saying some nasty things to him. Which is stupid and now he's made it all about that and we're driving home in stony silence.

Sorry for the massive essay - trying to give as much context as possible. So who was being unreasonable here. And how can we improve things going forward. I feel like I can't ever air a grievance, no matter how minor as his reaction is always to attack back which then sets me off as I'm the one wronged yet he's having a go at me! Please help - we're engaged to be married but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
wickedwaterwitch · 31/10/2015 11:21

Christ, don't marry him! YANBU.

Original poster
isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:25

Obviously he has a lot of great qualities too otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to marry him in the first place. It's just that it seems he can't take any criticism without getting angry. Is this really enough to ltb if he's amazing in most other areas?

OP posts:
Ponytailandquiff · 31/10/2015 11:25

No that's awful leaving you for ages when you didn't know where he was. Why couldn't he have taken you around with him and introduce you?

Exh used to do this and I hated it. It can be awkward when meeting a partner's old friends but he should be making you feel as comfortable and included as possible.

AgentProvocateur · 31/10/2015 11:27

Please don't marry him. He sounds like a thoughtless bully.

Original poster
isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:27

Pony - that's what I said. Why couldn't he have taken me with him. Apparently he didn't realise, he didn't think I was like that, he'd been drinking and was excited to see his old mates blah blah blah...

OP posts:
Ponytailandquiff · 31/10/2015 11:28

Well you have an issue with the arguing and the total lack of disrespect he showed for you In company (leaving you then swearing at you in front of a wedding party.) I don't call that amazing but you know him.

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 11:29

Hi OP, from what you've said I think he might be emotionally abusive. Please look at this list of signs of emotional abuse and let us know if any of them ring true?
The red flags I spotted were reacting badly to any criticism, shouting at you at the wedding, always blaming you for arguments. I would be surprised if there wasn't more.
Flowers

Original poster
isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:30

Neither do I - hence I'm really questioning things. I'm so upset right now and it's not because he left me but how he handled the argument. Don't think he gets this though. Wanted some unbiased opinions as he clearly thinks this is all my fault and I really don't.

OP posts:
wickedwaterwitch · 31/10/2015 11:30

I can tell you that my husband wouldn't dream of behaving like your DP

If it's indicative of a wider lack of respect and care for you then yes, I think it's enough to LTB

AlwaysHope1 · 31/10/2015 11:30

Goodness run! Do not get yourself stuck with a person like this. He doesn't have the ability to discuss issues like a normal person and you will always be fighting this battle. As for humiliating you in front of people?? Do you need a lifetime of living like this, until you start changing the way you feel to appease him.
Even now he can't see what's the problem.
My dh would never do that, he would never leave me alone in that situation firstly.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2015 11:31

It doesn't matter who was right or wrong initially.

He put himself massively in the wrong when he did this:
he starts having a go at me in front of all his friends, swearing and making a scene.

You are correct, you cannot live like this.

how can we improve things going forward
You are behaving OK. He is the one with the problem. Only he can fix it.

He is training you to never challenge him. To always shut the fuck up.

I am interested that he shaouted and swore at you in front of his friends at a wedding. He ruined someones wedding by publicly humiliating his girlfriend. What a twat. Yet you are still planning to marry him. I would have walked out the door the next day. Why would you stay after he did something so incredibly horrible?

JeepersMcoy · 31/10/2015 11:32

I think if he is great in other ways then you should at least try talking to him about it before you ltb. If you can talk and he can respond sensibly to try and deal with this then that's fine.

You have said yourself you can't live like this so if he can't or won't listen to what you say then I think you have your answer.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2015 11:32

You know what you are letting yourself in for if you marry him

You will always be wrong and he will gradually wear down your ability to make yourself heard

Personally, I don't think any good points he has can mitigate for his fundamental belief that he is in charge, only his opinions matter and he has no compunction in ramming that point home in front of witnesses

You have been warned

HappyHopefulStrongerAlone · 31/10/2015 11:32

What www said. I would pause any plans for getting married. He sounds self centred and not especially caring towards you isla.

rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 11:34

I can easily imagine that he didn't realise you were at a loose end, but his response to you was way over the top. And the swearing, WTF?

I don't think HABU to abandon you, just very thoughtless. You were definitely NBU to address it with him. But his response was ridiculously inappropriate.

It sounds like you already know the root of the problem (him not being able to take criticism and not knowing how to argue). The question is, would he prepared to try to work on this? If not, well ...

JeepersMcoy · 31/10/2015 11:34

A slight addition to that as I posted too early Blush

To me he doesn't sound at all great in anyway! He sounds pretty horrid.

IguanaTail · 31/10/2015 11:35

How dare he make a big scene and then twist it round to make it your fault. What a berk. He's behaving like a single 18 year old.

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 11:36

I read that as has lighting? I don't know if others agree?
He was bang out of order, totally and completely, as far as I can see.
He shouldn't have left you alone at ANY point of the day, not at the start, middle or end. If you didn't know anyone there then the only lonk you had was him, he cut that link and basically left you twisting in the wind.
Then when you rightfully get upset he turns it and blames you? No no no, that doesn't work.

"He didn't think I was like that"
Like what? Not wanting to sit alone in a room full of people you don't know? That's perfectly natural for norml people ffs.

I'm actually quite ranty for you op. Lol. Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong, kick the Neanderthal assmonkey right up the brown eye.

Eminado · 31/10/2015 11:38

Yeah i have to say this is pretty bad

I am interested that he shaouted and swore at you in front of his friends at a wedding. He ruined someones wedding by publicly humiliating his girlfriend. What a twat.*

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 11:39

He's horrible! He knew you knew nobody there and he left you for hours on your own? He walked off with all the money? And then he has the bloody nerve to blame you?

Why would you marry someone like this? He's unkind, selfish, argumentative and a prick. You can do much better.

(Oh and think of your own wedding if you married him - okay you would know more people but you wouldn't see any more of him.)

Branleuse · 31/10/2015 11:40

Dont marry him. Keep a nice relationship but dont go out or socialise with him again, but really, dont become legally bound to someone who is so thoughtless and gves no thought to you when youre out

Original poster
isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:40

Wow. Thank you for all your replies. Emma - thanks for the link. I had a read and the other points really don't apply. He seems to think no-one saw him having a go at me as we were by the door but a couple of his friends were nearby and one couple actually walked past and tapped him on the shoulder as he was mid-rant.

He would argue that he apologised and that its my fault for not snapping out of it straight away and going back on the dance floor and carrying on having a good time. But it takes a lot for me to get upset but when I do I find it hard to come back from it - especially when the 'I'm sorry' is so easy to say and doesn't sound very sincere (although he would say it was).

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 31/10/2015 11:41

So it's your fault he left you stranded for hours on end with a load of complete strangers and without even the money to get yourself a drink. When you object he causes a scene shouting and swearing at you and belittling you in front of his friends that he couldn't be bothered to introduce you to, then tells you how you ruined the wedding.

He's just told you who he is, rude, heedless, selfish, dismissive of your feelings and opinions and verbally abusive. Please listen as it won't get better, then decide whether you really want to look at years of bearing the brunt of his worsening behaviour.

rollonthesummer · 31/10/2015 11:41

Don't marry him!

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 11:49

They ALWAYS think nobody saw them having a go at their girlfriend. Everyone saw him. They're not blind. More than likely it's not the first time they've seen him lose his temper with a woman.

Swipe left for the next trending thread