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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Arguments with dp - who is wrong in this situation and how to resolve future arguments

69 replies

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:15

We were at DP's friends wedding yesterday. I knew no-one there except for one couple who were on a different table to us. DP has form for going off and chatting to people and leaving me on my own - I'm normally ok with this as I understand he may not have seen his friends for a while. And as long as he leaves me in the company of someone I can normally make small talk. However this wedding yesterday started at 2pm but the dancing didn't get going til past 9pm. So I've had over 7 hours of being left and making small talk with people I have just been introduced to.

The dancing eventually started and i was really looking forward to enjoying myself and having a dance with dp as well as his friends. So we're on the dance floor by ourselves and he spots someone and goes to walk off - I grab his hand and say don't leave me as I am on my own on a dance floor surrounded by people I don't know. He shrugs my hand off and goes off anyway. So I'm stood there like a lemon surrounded by dancing people I don't know (not dps friends - other randoms at the wedding). I stand there for a while hoping he'll be back soon. He isn't. I can't go to the bar to get myself a drink as its a cash bar and dp has walked off with all the cash in his pocket. The other people I had been introduced to were all busy chatting to other friends of theirs - these were all old uni mates who hadn't seen each other for a while and were all in their little cluster of friends catching up - having only just met them i didn't feel comfortable to go and join in the conversions as they were chatting to people I hadn't been introduced to. So I went and sat at the table on my own and pretended to check my phone - there was no reception so I couldn't even message someone or check mumsnet! After a while I felt a bit stupid as it was so obvious I had been stranded so I went to the toilets. I sat in a cubicle for a while to pass the time as I had no idea where he was. I'm not sure how long he'd been gone by this time - it definitely felt like quite a long time.

I'm now quite upset. I leave the toilets and bump into him. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him. He says he's sorry and he didn't realise. Now as far as he's concerned he's apologised and I should snap out of it. So he follows up his apology with he didn't think I was like this and I've ruined the wedding for him and he would never do this to me. So now I'm upset and angry that he's blaming me. Had he just apologised and left it at that, bought me a drink, gave me a cuddle it would have been ok - it was such a minor thing. Instead he starts having a go at me in front of all his friends, swearing and making a scene. I walk off as I'm not one for drama especially at weddings in front of a bunch of strangers.

We left to come home (with his friends so everyone was leaving at this point anyway) and he can't let it go. Keeps saying he wants to sort it out and saying he's sorry but finishing off his apology by saying he's angry too and it's my fault we're arguing and I've ruined his friends wedding.

I feel this is the crux of all our arguments. We don't argue often as I think I'm quite easy going but every time I'm upset with him and tell him it always blows up into a much bigger argument because of the way he responds to me. I'm the upset one, yet he's the one that ends up angry and having a go at me! Im not sure how he thinks getting angry with his upset fiancé is going to improve matters. I then get angry and I admit after he laughed at me yesterday when we were in bed and I was trying to explain why I wasn't the one in the wrong here I ended up saying some nasty things to him. Which is stupid and now he's made it all about that and we're driving home in stony silence.

Sorry for the massive essay - trying to give as much context as possible. So who was being unreasonable here. And how can we improve things going forward. I feel like I can't ever air a grievance, no matter how minor as his reaction is always to attack back which then sets me off as I'm the one wronged yet he's having a go at me! Please help - we're engaged to be married but I can't live like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:50

Lots of cross posts there - thank you for your replies. Looks like its pretty unanimous. Shame he can't see it. I do think the arguing is a big issue (although rare - this is the script every time) and I won't be walking down the aisle until we've addressed this.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 11:51

He would argue that he apologised and that its my fault for not snapping out of it straight away and going back on the dance floor and carrying on having a good time. But it takes a lot for me to get upset but when I do I find it hard to come back from it - especially when the 'I'm sorry' is so easy to say and doesn't sound very sincere

Why should you be sorry for getting upset at being left for 7 freaking hours? Seriously. And then getting angry at you for being upset.

This is him training you to accept whatever he wants and not to show your feelings. 7 hours ffs. I'd have left after 1. Although I've never been with anyone who would do this to me in the first place.

Please do not marry this man.

IguanaTail · 31/10/2015 11:51

The thing is, his "sorry" would have been fine if he had accidentally stood on your foot, but he ignored you for hours. "Sorry" is pathetic. Then to turn it round and blame it all on you is really nasty. I can't think of anyone who would want to be stuck like a spare part with random strangers and pretend to have a good time.

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 11:54

I won't be walking down the aisle until we've addressed this

This is a trait of his, and is indicative of the sort of behaviour he favours. These sorts of men usually ramp it back up once you are pregnant and thus think that because you don't want to put your kids through a broken home, they are entitled to do what the hell they want from there on in.

Until then, they fake it. So just be very careful. The whole point of engagements is to discover these behaviour before you get married to them. And if the behaviour is not to your taste, don't get wed.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 31/10/2015 11:55

There are two behaviours here, one a bit worrying and one very worrying.

The worrying behaviour is leaving you alone after you asked him not to, he could have brought you along with him and introduced you to all his friends. Perhaps he could have found out whether their partners knew anybody else there, it would still have been small talk but at least talking to them about not knowing anyone would have given you something to talk about. Basically, from the way that he behaved you can be pretty certain that in the future he will only look after you if there's nothing else that he'd rather be doing. This means that he could well go off and leave you all day with two small children while you have flu/broken arm/bad back because he fancies meeting his friends.

The very worrying behaviour is that if he does something wrong and you tell him he will feel guilty. He doesn't like feeling guilty, nobody does, but he gets angry with you for making him feel guilty, instead of removing the guilt by addressing the issue. This is a hard pattern to break and basically means that for the rest of your life you will either have to never point out anything that he has done wrong or be punished for pointing it out. And this could well apply to any children that you have, if he promises to take them to the park and then doesn't they might get a verbal blasting for complaining about it.

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 11:57

It's not just his arguing, though - it's his utter selfishness. Awful behaviour at that wedding, even before the argument.

Original poster

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:59

Just to clarify - I wasn't totally on my own for 7 hours - obviously we were sat next to each other at dinner and the rest of the time he would come and go.

He would also defend himself by saying I do the same to thing. I don't think the two are comparable - I've never left him stranded by himself on a dancefloor - I'll leave with him people I've just introduced him to and as an extrovert he thrives in that environment. He spends his life networking and chatting to people - loves it. Whereas I am more naturally an introvert although I do my best in those situations and am also quite good at small talk but even I start to wane after 7 hours!

Imperial - sadly I think you're right on both points :(

OP posts:

Skullyton · 31/10/2015 12:01

Arguing aside, there is something i'd like to ask you.

When he disappeared with the money, why didn't you go and find him?

My DH is a wanderer, he HATES sitting at a table all night and will go off to chat to people, i always clock where he's going and after a while i will usually go and find him.

If you allow him to disappear off while you get upset, lonely and pissed off, then go find him! By allowing him to wander off and forget about you, you're setting the precedent that you're ok with this behaviour when you're clearly not.

What would he have done if you'd gone over and joined him?

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 12:03

Very good post, BlackAmerican.

Original poster

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 12:06

BlackAmericano - wow, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Skully - you're right. I'd actually already done that a couple of times during the day. By this point I was quite miffed and didn't want to look like the stranded girlfriend walking around looking for him. Had I done that and found him he would've welcomed me into the fold and put his arm around me etc and everything would have been fine. I guess this time I wanted to see how long it would take him to come back...

OP posts:

rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 12:19

An apology isn't a magic bloody wand! Grrrr it makes me so mad!

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 12:21

Thanks for looking at the link. It's good that there's nothing else from the list at the moment, but it is possible/likely that he will get worse through the course of a relationship.

Basically I agree with everyone who said that he's awful and you should get rid!

I hope you don't have any plans to start trying for a baby any time soon? And I hope you're in control of the contraception?

Isetan · 31/10/2015 12:37

You have unwittingly enrolled on 'Walking on eggshells 101', in this module you'll be introduced to the concepts of 'knowing your place' and 'STFU'. Causing a scene and humiliating you in public, is a successful tried and tested method in helping you to embrace, the 'knowing your place' and 'STFU' concepts in record time.

Congratulations! I can tell by your comments you've acquired the 'Apart from this, he's perfect' diploma, which is a 'Walking on eggshells 101' prerequisite study.

Stay under this mans expert tutelage and you'll pass with flying colours.

My 8 year old DD understands an apology doesn't include a 'but', if it does, it ain't an apology, it's a justification.

BathtimeFunkster · 31/10/2015 12:48

Here's my red flag: "I didn't think you were like that."

He's basically demanding that you submit yourself to his cool girlfriend standards.

He is telling you that you are not allowed to ever demand anything of him, even basic manners or consideration, because your appeal to him is that you are supposedly "not like that".

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 31/10/2015 12:52

Wouldn't it be nicer to spend the rest of your life with someone who you can feel comfortable and secure with?

jelliebelly · 31/10/2015 12:54

Beware - this is a sign of selfishness for going off and leaving you by yourself which I doubt will ever change - his needs will come first at all times. More worrying is his desire to turn the blame on you "I didn't think you were like that" like what exactly???

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 13:32

I can tell by your comments you've acquired the 'Apart from this, he's perfect' diploma, which is a 'Walking on eggshells 101' prerequisite study.

Aye - we see many people with this Diploma on here day in, day out. Alot of them also manage to pass the 'Perfect father, my kids will be devastated if we split' certificate.

TendonQueen · 31/10/2015 13:40

BlackAmerican has nailed it. Think about the future that awaits you with him very carefully.

We have a family member who did the 'I am always the wronged party, bad things are always somehow someone else's fault' act. Put up with and placated for many years but are now NC. You just reach a limit. Are you near yours?

SkyFoCrumbo · 31/10/2015 13:48

He doesn't sound very caring or considerate of your feelings.

tribpot · 31/10/2015 13:50

Imagine you've taken a friend to a wedding where they are the plus one. They know a few people vaguely but basically don't know a soul.

Do you leave that person on their own for 7 hours? Do you hell. It would be unspeakably rude and your friend would probably want nothing to do with you again.

How is this different? He has no respect for you and he has no manners.

As to the 'you must snap out of it as soon as he apologises', is that how it works in reverse? As in, if he's cross and you apologise does he immediately say 'well, fair play you've apologised. Let's move on'?

How had you ruined the wedding for him? He barely saw you!

loveyoutothemoon · 31/10/2015 14:28

He sounds awful, I'm sorry you're upset.

A normal loving partner would be proud to be with you, enjoying a day with you too. He sounds uncaring.

Nothing is ever his fault. My ex was like this, one of many reasons why I left him. I think you need to assess whether you want to be with him if he can't take your concerns seriously and instead gets angry. Communication is the key, if you can't have that, there's no hope.

tallwivglasses · 31/10/2015 15:51

OP you've had some great observations and advice here (I love the walking on eggshells 101). I just want to add one thing. No one has shouted and sworn at me in public and if they did that would be as far as I'm concerned. I wonder why your self-esteem is so low?

Only1scoop · 31/10/2015 15:56

Immature and selfish

And how pathetic he sounds after being told.

Duckdeamon · 31/10/2015 16:02

If you reflect on it, there will have been other selfish or horrible behaviour that you might have brushed over.

Original poster

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 16:06

Thanks everyone - I've taken all your comments on board and really appreciate you all taking time out to give me your views . It's interesting that you're all seeing the same thing.

OP posts:

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