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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Arguments with dp - who is wrong in this situation and how to resolve future arguments

69 replies

isla2009 · 31/10/2015 11:15

We were at DP's friends wedding yesterday. I knew no-one there except for one couple who were on a different table to us. DP has form for going off and chatting to people and leaving me on my own - I'm normally ok with this as I understand he may not have seen his friends for a while. And as long as he leaves me in the company of someone I can normally make small talk. However this wedding yesterday started at 2pm but the dancing didn't get going til past 9pm. So I've had over 7 hours of being left and making small talk with people I have just been introduced to.

The dancing eventually started and i was really looking forward to enjoying myself and having a dance with dp as well as his friends. So we're on the dance floor by ourselves and he spots someone and goes to walk off - I grab his hand and say don't leave me as I am on my own on a dance floor surrounded by people I don't know. He shrugs my hand off and goes off anyway. So I'm stood there like a lemon surrounded by dancing people I don't know (not dps friends - other randoms at the wedding). I stand there for a while hoping he'll be back soon. He isn't. I can't go to the bar to get myself a drink as its a cash bar and dp has walked off with all the cash in his pocket. The other people I had been introduced to were all busy chatting to other friends of theirs - these were all old uni mates who hadn't seen each other for a while and were all in their little cluster of friends catching up - having only just met them i didn't feel comfortable to go and join in the conversions as they were chatting to people I hadn't been introduced to. So I went and sat at the table on my own and pretended to check my phone - there was no reception so I couldn't even message someone or check mumsnet! After a while I felt a bit stupid as it was so obvious I had been stranded so I went to the toilets. I sat in a cubicle for a while to pass the time as I had no idea where he was. I'm not sure how long he'd been gone by this time - it definitely felt like quite a long time.

I'm now quite upset. I leave the toilets and bump into him. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him. He says he's sorry and he didn't realise. Now as far as he's concerned he's apologised and I should snap out of it. So he follows up his apology with he didn't think I was like this and I've ruined the wedding for him and he would never do this to me. So now I'm upset and angry that he's blaming me. Had he just apologised and left it at that, bought me a drink, gave me a cuddle it would have been ok - it was such a minor thing. Instead he starts having a go at me in front of all his friends, swearing and making a scene. I walk off as I'm not one for drama especially at weddings in front of a bunch of strangers.

We left to come home (with his friends so everyone was leaving at this point anyway) and he can't let it go. Keeps saying he wants to sort it out and saying he's sorry but finishing off his apology by saying he's angry too and it's my fault we're arguing and I've ruined his friends wedding.

I feel this is the crux of all our arguments. We don't argue often as I think I'm quite easy going but every time I'm upset with him and tell him it always blows up into a much bigger argument because of the way he responds to me. I'm the upset one, yet he's the one that ends up angry and having a go at me! Im not sure how he thinks getting angry with his upset fiancé is going to improve matters. I then get angry and I admit after he laughed at me yesterday when we were in bed and I was trying to explain why I wasn't the one in the wrong here I ended up saying some nasty things to him. Which is stupid and now he's made it all about that and we're driving home in stony silence.

Sorry for the massive essay - trying to give as much context as possible. So who was being unreasonable here. And how can we improve things going forward. I feel like I can't ever air a grievance, no matter how minor as his reaction is always to attack back which then sets me off as I'm the one wronged yet he's having a go at me! Please help - we're engaged to be married but I can't live like this.

OP posts:

ElleAndAitch · 31/10/2015 16:29

Emma, I wanted to thank you for posting that link.

BlackAmerican, yes, you've nailed it and given me stuff to think about for the future

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 16:42

ElleAndAitch Glad you found it helpful. I stumbled across it quite recently and share it on MN pretty often now!

ILiveAtTheBeach · 31/10/2015 16:49

He's a complete Tosser. Why can't you see it? LTB. Sell the ring. Sorry, but he sounds just awful.

Joysmum · 31/10/2015 17:19

^Blackamerican* nailed it.

DH or I would've been mortified if we realised we'd made the other person feel issolated or anxious.

It speaks volumes that your partner isn't.

RiceCrispieTreats · 31/10/2015 17:57

A man who swears at you is not a keeper.

However, I think you were being unreasonable to expect him to be your social baby-sitter for the night. Making small talk with strangers is a valuable life skill; if you rely on partners to shield you in social situations, you are going to have a very tough time of it in the rest of your life, moving forward.

Learn to be confident on your own in social situations. It will stand you in good stead. I will also make you less needy towards partners, and therefore more able to walk away from inadequate partners.

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 17:57

OddlyLogical · 31/10/2015 18:11

He was being a dick.
I hate being in that kind of situation and my DH knows it, so he just never does that to me. He always makes sure that I am ok.

Cabrinha · 31/10/2015 18:29

He sounds horrible.
I'm curious why he was in charge of the cash, too?

Thinktwice · 04/11/2015 21:45

Hello Isla, I read your post on Saturday, but it was until today that I figured out how to register with this forum.

After reading your post, I realized that my husband of 19 years does exactly what you described when confronting your own DH and it helped me to see that it is unhealthy. After reading your post I went to, www.mumsnet.com/relationships/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship where my eyes were opened even more. In your situation, he was wrong. It is their pride or something that will not let them take blame for their own actions. The circle goes round and round you confront pointing the finger at them, but they re-point the finger in your direction, causing a circle that always stops at you.

You know what I would have done? No one was holding you at the wedding against your will. If you wanted your pain to stop and he wasn`t listening. I would have left. THAT would have gotten his attention and possibly made him think twice when he thought of taking you somewhere next time because he would have referred to what happened the last time. However, in your situation you are not bound to him so I would seriously take the time to read the article in the link above and decide if it is even worth having to analyze and fix someone you aren't bound to.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/11/2015 07:46

Does he have form for getting angrier when he has drink taken? That would worry me on top of all of the above.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/11/2015 07:50

Don't marry him unless you can change this pattern. I'm not one to shout 'abusive' but you will definitely be a second class citizen in your marriage unless you and he are able to make more space for you to challenge things as well as him.

mix56 · 05/11/2015 08:38

Your thread just took me back 23 years. When we were at a big party where I knew vaguely 2 other people.... similar behaviour, P went off dancing & socialising & I was left alone among people I had never been introduced to, who all knew each other & were having a ball together. I had never felt so unloved.
I ended up leaving & walking home (several miles)..... fast forward.....I ended up living with this man for a very long time. He is emotionally abusive on every level. & altho I am an educated, reasonably intelligent woman. I never saw it. until it was too late
Please run for the hills.

AyeAmarok · 05/11/2015 08:40

I'm with you OP. I'd hate to have been left like that and would have felt so uncomfortable.

He really should have brought you with him when he wandered off to talk to people, it's weird that he doesn't. It's like he did it on purpose to put you in your place.

stablemabel · 05/11/2015 19:44

He sounds selfish and thoughtless for doing this, mins would have been acceptable but not hours and also knowing you had no money to even get a drink.

He should have made a bigger and more sincere apology. He prob knows he's in the wrong but is trying to blame you and he is over dramatizing it into ' you ruined the whole wedding' no he behaved like an idiot and ruined it for you^ by the sound of it.

In these situations it's best not to let it stew and upset you, can you talk about it when you are both calm, and at the earliest opportunity. A wedding is not just for the bride and groom to enjoy but all the guests, his thoughtlessness didn't allow this for you. Good luck.

lavenderhoney · 06/11/2015 07:40

How long have you been together? And why did he have all the cash? Weren't you allowed to bring your purse?

He was a knob for not introducing you to people and leaving you on the dance floor was strange, why didn't he take you? Sounds like he wished he'd gone alone so he could behave like a single bloke.

If he's an extrovert and good at networking, as you say, he's not that amazing as he would have known exactly what it's like to be left alone and out of the action. Ranting at you was ridiculous, he must have known he'd been a twat. Marrying him - will you be left alone at your wedding whilst he chats and networks with all his mates?

mix56 · 06/11/2015 07:49

Rushing off to see his old mate in the middle of the dance floor, He could have waited till the end of the song, then told you, "I've just seen an old friend, come & say hello".... you then get to chat with him/his gf..... its not complicated. He was extremely thoughtless & unkind. & this is your fiancé....?

YouBastardSockBalls · 06/11/2015 07:58

I think the replies here are way over the top.

When you're around friends you haven't seen for a while, 7 hours can feel like 7 minutes. Yes he was thoughtless for leaving you but sometimes people are thoughtless.
He was annoyed when you started an argument but so would most people be at a wedding when they're having a good time.

You say he's otherwise a good partner.
Everyone swears sometimes in a drunken argument except on mumsnet and tbh I think that as an adult you should have been able to just cut him some slack and let him have fun with his friends.

This doesn't sound like emotional abuse at all. In fact I think that's an insult to people who are actually in abusive relationships.

It's just an argument. Just both say sorry and move on.

OddlyLogical · 06/11/2015 16:40

Yes he was thoughtless for leaving you but sometimes people are thoughtless.
Random people are often thoughtless.
I don't expect it from my partner.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 06/11/2015 17:07

He has an established pattern of behaviour that you don't like. This will not change just because you tell him you are upset. It will only possibly change if he acknowledges the behaviour and wants to change.

So really think hard whether this is the person you want to have you babies with. It will not get better, probably worse, particularly if you have to stay at home to care for them and he has all the financial power.

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