DH's behaviour at 12 wk scan

[starkers1]

Had our 12 week pregnancy scan yesterday. This after a scary first trimester with bleeds/cramping/going in for reassurance scans…scan was great, aba moving around, though she confirmed Im l high risk pregnancy and needs to take it as easy as possible.
DH, when I turned to look at him he seemed quite interested on the screen though I was blown away, near crying and emotional. We come out and he is just distant, I know he’s thinking about work so say “if you have to, send an email” we sit down waiting or me to be called for my bloods, he sits there on blackberry, scrolling/ typing away. Not saying a word to me. I would’ve loved to excitedly recap the scan, how great to was to see baby healthy and moving, and perhaps the midwives words re me taking it as easy as poss had resonated in him.
Nothing, just engrossed in emails, then when I come back from my bloods and want to get home/crawl into bed, he looks at me and says “I just have to finish sending this”.
Felt deflated and distant from him, and told him on way out I wished he’d shown more enthusiasm and just been fully “present”.

Get into a screaming match in car, with him shouting at me and demanding I apologise for saying that. Car ride in silence. Felt livid and sad that he could act this way and scream at me despite midwives warnings. I also feel he should have been clear with boss/work (very stressful job) and said “I am going for our 12 week scan, therefore in hospital and un-contactable for an hour”.

Why is that so hard?

Are my expectations too high?

Maybe it's just the sort of women who go on ante natal forums because I didn't do that either.

12 weeks is far too early to reliably diagnose placenta praevia.
Lots of placentas can appear to be 'low' at this early stage and some bleeding can be quite common.
The majority of women go on to find that the placenta is 'high' at the twenty week anomaly scan. Only then, if it still appears to be low and actually completely covering the internal os, can placenta praevia be diagnosed.

There you go OP. Nothing to worry about. Ignore whatever you were told at the hospital. Wasn't your husband right not to be too bothered (or indeed bothered at all) about it.

I second all those who say the main issue here is how you guys relate to each other. It's really not good to just say oh it's fiery. It wouldn't be good if there were only you two and certainly not with kids party to it all (I speak as child of "fiery" parents) and having been in a few fiery relationships (no kids!) but now in harmonious, functioning one). Seriously talk to each other, sort it out, be nice to each other, you'll drift further and further apart and apart from your ow unhappiness and make yours kids on edge and expect "fire."

*apart from your own unhappiness you'll make your kids on edge...

I think the fact that you told him to send the email or a distraction here - the main issue is that he wasn't connected to you and the whole experience and that would have pissed me off. There could have been bad news, it's not all pictures and cooing - it's a very important part of pregnancy.

You sound to me like someone who enjoys dramas- emotional and medical- and likes to be the centre of attention so is disappointed with your husband and the psychiatrist for not making you that.
I think you are probably pretty hard work.

Same at our 12 week scan only the reverse.

I was itching to get on email to sort something out. DH was a little annoyed (no row though, he just asked if work couldn't have waited an hour - but it really couldn't).

Yes the scan was emotional and a lovely experience, I'm high risk too - the world doesn't stop though.

OP - it's not a good thing to have 'an array of issues' and be demanding in a relationship. You set a test for your husband today and when he failed it - because lets face it yet another scan for a baby you've seen is doing ok previously isn't that earth shattering - you used that to beat him with and he knows exactly what you were doing because I reckon he's experienced it plenty of times before and that's why he shouted at you.

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh to the OP. Calling her "hard work" and saying she wants to be the centre of attention. I didn't read it that way at all. This isn't AIBU, this is relationships, and I don't think it's helpful to take sides either way. It sounds to me like there a relationship issues that they need to work on together. OP isn't perfect but she is entitled to feel disappointed that her DP wasn't at all interested or supportive about her scan. She has posted on here instead of having a big go at him about it - that's how I read it anyway. So I don't know why you would conclude that her partner was right to shout at her, NorthernLurker.

Anotheremma
saying she wants to be the centre of attention. I didn't read it that way at all.

I can under stand people saying this because OP said:
We had pre wedding counselling but it turned me off, despite being told I'm most psychiatrists dream with my complex childhood and array of issues, he was far more interested in DH (and male issues) and focused on him, every session he'd barely recall anything I'd said and had to look up in his notes again...so has put me off.

Which kind of makes it sound like she didn't like the fact she wasn't the centre of the attention. Whether she mentioned it that way, I don't know, but that's how i sounds.

I can't remember dh going to any of my scans. Is it really that big a deal these days?

I didn't say it was right to shout. I said that people don't like being repeatedly tested. Shouting is the result.

That's exactly how it came across to me, Seeyou.

The psychiatrists I know are dreaming of early retirement discovering an undocumented personality disorder and I very much doubt that anything in the OP's 'complex childhood and array of issues' will be new to them.

Regardless of what the counsellor was dreaming of, he was a pretty poor counsellor if OP felt sidelined in her own relationship counselling. I've been to counselling with an ex. Ex was very manipulative and made every session about him. Really the counsellor should have picked up on it, tried to balance it or suggested individual counseling.

Tbh the OP 's account of her counselling rang alarm bells because regardless of whether or not the counsellor was rubbish, it proves her DH, at some level, thinks everyone focusing on his issues is how to make their relationship better.

I agree with APlaceOnTheCouch. It sounds like the counsellor was completely focused on him - of course she wanted the counsellor to be more balanced! That's not wanting to be the centre of attention at all.