DH's behaviour at 12 wk scan

[starkers1]

Had our 12 week pregnancy scan yesterday. This after a scary first trimester with bleeds/cramping/going in for reassurance scans…scan was great, aba moving around, though she confirmed Im l high risk pregnancy and needs to take it as easy as possible.
DH, when I turned to look at him he seemed quite interested on the screen though I was blown away, near crying and emotional. We come out and he is just distant, I know he’s thinking about work so say “if you have to, send an email” we sit down waiting or me to be called for my bloods, he sits there on blackberry, scrolling/ typing away. Not saying a word to me. I would’ve loved to excitedly recap the scan, how great to was to see baby healthy and moving, and perhaps the midwives words re me taking it as easy as poss had resonated in him.
Nothing, just engrossed in emails, then when I come back from my bloods and want to get home/crawl into bed, he looks at me and says “I just have to finish sending this”.
Felt deflated and distant from him, and told him on way out I wished he’d shown more enthusiasm and just been fully “present”.

Get into a screaming match in car, with him shouting at me and demanding I apologise for saying that. Car ride in silence. Felt livid and sad that he could act this way and scream at me despite midwives warnings. I also feel he should have been clear with boss/work (very stressful job) and said “I am going for our 12 week scan, therefore in hospital and un-contactable for an hour”.

Why is that so hard?

Are my expectations too high?

Apologies for typos, typing too fast. Thanks for all replies, advice and insights.

Hi Emma. I mean we are both very sensitive and stubborn. Arguments over the smallest things (never big things) happen and far too often. Misinterpreting things, me "nagging" him never listening or considering my point but immediately firing back “all I do is tell him where he’s wrong/never give him compliments”. Topped with a deep confusion/bitterness from him as to why I’m not affectionate.
I’ve just never been tactile even as a child. But admit I don’t feel I can come towards him to hug him even when only the day before we had a horrible row.
I use withholding affection as my own protection barrier.

I live in a dream world so when I say he’s not been supportive, I’m not sure what Id expect really. Just someone super strong, protective, caring and calm. He’s not these things.
I have several things making me high risk- placenta praevia as well as a previous condition meaning I am at risk of giving birth prematurely so am being monitored.

“Taking it easy” is the more not exercising thing yes, but if I had a pregnant friends, especially high risk, let alone my partner, the last thing I’d do is shout and yell or cause any stress.

Yes, your expectations are too high.
If you say "Go on, send that email," you must assume that the person won't mind if they do so.

oops, that the person will do so, assuming you genuinely don't mind.

Ok - I had a high risk pregnancy - my DH told me afterwards that he was terrified out of his mind the entire time that I would die. Imagine months of feeling like that.

I didn't cry or get weepy at my scans. Not everyone does. There's no 'right' way to behave.

Why does he have to react in the exact same way you do? People deal with strong emotions in all sorts of ways.

I do think you are being unfair to him.

Sorry to be so frank OP but in your shoes, I'd get some proper help to deal with yours and DH's 'baggage' and behaviours as soon as possible. It doesn't sound like a good atmosphere to bring kids into.
I'm talking from experience - not being deliberately critical/unkind. I wish I could turn the clocks back and take my own advice.
All the best - but sort it out earlier rather than later if you can.

Can I ask, I know it was the 12 wk scan of 2nd baby bit how many scans had he previously attended?
Was this, in is head, "just another scan"
I can understand being overwhelmed and emotional and such when it's all new and the first time you see baby etc etc etc. But if you've already had one DC with scans and now you've had more scans with DC2 maybe it was a little less of a big deal for him?

Depending on his role, being uncontactable for an hour probably isn't appropriate. I know in most of my career, I wouldn't have turned my phone off in those circumstances. Likewise, him not reacting how you would want him to react - I can see how it can seem upsetting but he isn't you and you don't have the monopoly on the appropriate way to act.

Having said all that, I think the shouting in the car was out of order. If he was the only one shouting then he was wrong. If you were too then you were both wrong.

Having a baby only gets more stressful so I think the PP who suggested working out your issues now (with counselling if need be) was right. You both need to communicate better with each other. unless you feel he is always prioritising work, not offering support and shouting angrily at you in which case you would be better going to counselling on your own

I totally agree with Tapirs:
"Sorry to be so frank OP but in your shoes, I'd get some proper help to deal with yours and DH's 'baggage' and behaviours as soon as possible. It doesn't sound like a good atmosphere to bring kids into."

I also wonder what he was like during your first pregnancy, specifically at your scans? Was he more supportive and excited then?

APlaceOnTheCouch those bits you crossed out are important points actually!

There are so, so many things going on here and I don't think anybody's in the wrong. There have been communication failures, unfair expectations and a lot of blame by the sound of it.

You say he has a stressful job and it sounds like he was worried about being away from it. I found that in pregnancy, DH found his very stressful job even worse. He was expecting another child, had a massive weight of responsibility on him and while an antenatal scan for you is something wonderful, for some partners, it's something that they feel guilty about, they're taking time they can ill afford from work and aren't entitled to do so and the worry about having another mouth to feed and child to raise is nothing but exemplified by that situation.

He seems to fall down against the weight of your expectations anyway. You say you want him to be super strong, protective and calm but he just isn't that person. Well, you've set him up to fail. You might not be an affectionate person but you admit you withold affection from him as a punishment. You tell him to do one thing and then you criticise him for it. Undoubtedly, he is 50% of the cause of your constant ups and downs but if you're having children together, then you've made a commitment and you both owe it to your children and yourselves to compromise and work with the people you are, not the people you wish to be with. You aren't affectionate, he isn't 'super strong'. That's not going to change. You probably need some outside help. Would you consider something like Relate? At the moment you are stuck in a cycle of blaming each other for what you aren't. You need to find a way of accepting and celebrating who you are and finding out how to make that work.

I wasn't bothered by my scans btw. Not in the way you are. I wasn't emotional or tearful or desirous of dissecting it or reliving it. I found them odd and alien as much as they were remarkable as a feat of science. I think after my 12 week scan with DS, we played I spy in the waiting room and talked about what to have for lunch. I went off for my bloods and then we got on with the day. DH would have really struggled if I'd suddenly expected him to be gushing and excited, same as I would have struggled if he'd expected the same of me. It's okay to be that way. It really is. It doesn't mean you aren't happy to be having a baby. It just means that you have a different reaction to the scan. We both found them fascinating and reassuring of course, but in quite a detached way.

AnotherEmma I know they're important but there just wasn't enough in the OP's post to be able to tell if they were applicable or not. That's why I crossed them out. If they are relevant then the OP has a much bigger problem.

Yep agree with all that.

One thing really struck me - you have your protective barrier (for a lot of people, the aftermath of a blazing row is an obvious time for hugs as a demonstration of putting the row behind you and your continued commitment to each other - I can imagine how he might construe distance after a big argument as holding a grudge or sulking.)

But have you considered that he may have his own protective barriers that you are misconstruing?

From your posts, it reads like you're both attributing motives to each other's words and actions, which may not actually be based in reality. Counselling sounds like a really helpful idea.

I took so long on that post that I missed the excellent one from Stumps. What she said.

I think you sound overly precious tbh. I admit that after 6mc I have fuck all romanticism about scans, and went to all of mine for dc2 and 3 alone - and I have been there with the placenta praevia incl scary bleeds -, but it sounds as if you are expecting to be treated as if you are made of glass. Considering you, by your own account, routinely withhold affection, that's a fairly big ask.

I have to agree you sound like hard work. You told him to send the email...and then weren't happy when he did. Not saying what you actually mean usually ends in tears, and it's the fault of the person who said something they didn't mean, not the person who took it at face value.

It's really hard to say without seeing exactly what he was like, but I agree it sounds like you have an ideal in your head that a LOT of people wouldn't match up to...and it's not logical, it's just based on wanting the other person to behave exactly as you'd behave. But that's not how life works. Neither me or DH got super-excited or emotional during scans. We were a little tense before hand and during, and quietly relieved after. No 'excitedly' recapping etc etc etc. I don't see why it's a bad thing if someone doesn't get all gushy about it just because you do....

I don't think it sounds nice that your DH shouted at you, but we don't really know how much of a go you had at him....I certainly think you were harsh on him, and he was probably tense and emotional already, even if he didn't show it in the way you wanted. I'm all for getting looked after during pregnancy and treated nicely, and I understand you're high risk, but it's getting a bit precious flower if no one can call you out on being harsh and unreasonable to them, or be upset by the way you've treated them.

You do sound a bit princessy. Sorry OP don't mean to offend you, I've had my moments at times myself.

I think we do get a script in our heads of how magical certain moments should be and if they don't match up we feel deflated. When I got married I imagined my husband to look at me and cry and act head over heals in love. In reality we was both terrified due to nerves about the audience and when he turned and looked at me he looked like he had seen the grim reeper! We was both wanting thr service to hurry up and be over and done with due to nerves, it wasn't romantic at all. Few weeks later I mulled it over and decided he didn't love me enough as in the movies etc and in general a lot of grooms cry blah blah. Ridiculous really.

Try relax about things and don't expect too much. If he's a good father to your other child then you know once the baby is born things will be fine

I have to admit I don't really get why you expected him to get excited over the scan. It's not the first one in this pregnancy and he presumably saw the scans you had in your previous pregnancy. He took an interest during the scan but I don't see what was to be gained from recapping it.

I think you have to learn to accept him for who he is, and cut him some slack if he is in a highly stressful job. My DH is a pretty phlegmatic type and I suppose ideally I would have liked him to show a bit more excitement about our pfb, but that's who he is - and there are times when his calmness and refusal to get over-excited are exactly what I need.

I was the same as your dh at my scans. I wasn't "blown away", or emotional, just detached and very aware of how much further we had to go before a healthy baby.

I didn't want to discuss, or get excited. I saw the scans as one more bridge to get safely across, that's it.

Pregnancy can be very hard to get excited about for some people. give him a break.

starkers1 "I live in a dream world so when I say he’s not been supportive, I’m not sure what Id expect really."

I'd have a think about what you've just said there.

OP I can completely sympathise with you. IMO he should have been more involved BUT there could be a perfectly simple explanation.

I think you should have a talk with your partner and discuss what you expect from him and then he may, as other posters have suggested, explain reasons why you think he isn't 'invested'. It could be that he is scared or even doesn't know how to express himself.

Congratulations .

Another one for not feeling the thrill of a scan when my partner was pregnant. All I felt was anxiety and then guilt for not feeling more.

In fact I love being a dad more than I knew I could but absolutely hated pregnancy and birth. Just one long period of anxiety and worry. I know it's not often a breeze for the women either

You're setting him up to fail. You had an idea in your head as to the 'perfect' reaction to your scan, and it didn't happen. I can't even remember how DH acted after the 12 week scan for either of my pregnancies but can guarantee he would have been sat in the waiting room sending work emails as that's the sort of job he has.

Try not to worry about your placenta. It's far too early in your pregnancy to tell if it is going to be a problem

You need some counselling, OP, not least because you are unable to demonstrate affection; how is this going to translate into motherhood? I'm not sure why you were so shocked at the in-car-post-scan shouting when it appears your marital life is punctuated with these scraps. You're being unreasonable if you think a vague instruction from the sonographer to 'take it easy' will automatically change the dynamic of your tempestuous relationship.

I don't fancy your chances, to be honest, without professional help as a couple.