DH's behaviour at 12 wk scan

[starkers1]

Had our 12 week pregnancy scan yesterday. This after a scary first trimester with bleeds/cramping/going in for reassurance scans…scan was great, aba moving around, though she confirmed Im l high risk pregnancy and needs to take it as easy as possible.
DH, when I turned to look at him he seemed quite interested on the screen though I was blown away, near crying and emotional. We come out and he is just distant, I know he’s thinking about work so say “if you have to, send an email” we sit down waiting or me to be called for my bloods, he sits there on blackberry, scrolling/ typing away. Not saying a word to me. I would’ve loved to excitedly recap the scan, how great to was to see baby healthy and moving, and perhaps the midwives words re me taking it as easy as poss had resonated in him.
Nothing, just engrossed in emails, then when I come back from my bloods and want to get home/crawl into bed, he looks at me and says “I just have to finish sending this”.
Felt deflated and distant from him, and told him on way out I wished he’d shown more enthusiasm and just been fully “present”.

Get into a screaming match in car, with him shouting at me and demanding I apologise for saying that. Car ride in silence. Felt livid and sad that he could act this way and scream at me despite midwives warnings. I also feel he should have been clear with boss/work (very stressful job) and said “I am going for our 12 week scan, therefore in hospital and un-contactable for an hour”.

Why is that so hard?

Are my expectations too high?

Thanks so much for some very honest, frank and very helpful advice.
I know we must go to counselling. Mide it is also so useful to have a mans perspective on things here!!

Bizarrely my lack of affection (luckily) does not impact me as a mother, I have even surprised myself at how much love I show and want to show/give to DS, I cant get enough hugs, kisses to and from him and my heart breaks every time he says "mummy" and wants a hug. I'm obviously relieved this is the case.

I have a lot of very deep rooted issues about men, mainly down to my father, so will never be able to fully trust/rely on any man (maybe with help...) so do use this as a barrier/even punishment/protection.

We had pre wedding counselling but it turned me off, despite being told I'm most psychiatrists dream with my complex childhood and array of issues, he was far more interested in DH (and male issues) and focused on him, every session he'd barely recall anything I'd said and had to look up in his notes again...so has put me off. We are overdrawn each month currently so cant afford much, is Relate (in London) relatively affordable does anyone know please?

I think scans can be not quite the thrill of the century that it is for us women.

I do get irritated by these gender based assumptions!

I didn't get excited or emotional about scans or unborn babies either. I didn't feel any attachment to either of my children until a good while after they were born.

There is no right way to feel or respond.

However, I would caution against testing someone by telling someone they can do something in the hope that they won't do it.

You'll only be disappointed.

Someone is hard work if they would like a bit of acknowledgement that they have just seen a scan of a baby? Like a squeeze of the hand and a whispered "that was lovely" before going on with the incessant emailing. The point isn't that the dh emailed but that he didn't acknowledge the scan in any way.

(and how on earth did all those high stress jobs get done when there was no instant access to email 24/7? isn't it amazing the world actually turned when all those important people couldn't check emails during doctor's appointments).

I would have thought that is how people behave in a normal life - you have a scan you say a few words about it to each other - didn't realise that was high maintenance expectations.

(and how on earth did all those high stress jobs get done when there was no instant access to email 24/7? isn't it amazing the world actually turned when all those important people couldn't check emails during doctor's appointments)
They wouldn't have gone to the scans?

It's just another scan, after the first time they no longer are the unknown or new so most don't get excited.

You told him to email and he did, presumably he needs this job to support his growing family so needs to be on the ball.

Most midwives tell women to take it easy, I always took it to me don't go climbing Everest rather than don't do anything at all and it being code for the man to do it instead.

"wedding counselling but it turned me off, despite being told I'm most psychiatrists dream with my complex childhood and array of issues, he was far more interested in DH (and male issues) and focused on him, every session he'd barely recall anything I'd said and had to look up in his notes again...so has put me off. We are overdrawn each month currently so cant afford much, is Relate (in London) relatively affordable does anyone know please?"

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with couple's counselling. It completely depends on the therapist, of course, and it sounds like you were unlucky and had a bad one.

I think Relate charge different amounts depending on your income, so it might be worth giving them a call to check?

You could also get counselling for yourself which I'm sure would be very helpful, and obviously that way you and the therapist will be focused on you, not him!

(and how on earth did all those high stress jobs get done when there was no instant access to email 24/7? isn't it amazing the world actually turned when all those important people couldn't check emails during doctor's appointments).

They wouldn't have been able to go with wifey. That's how it got done before.

My dh had one of those jobs pre-constant-blackberry. So did I. We both attended scans and the world didn't stop turning. It is one hour. Mind you he didn't call me wifey either.

"Mind you he didn't call me wifey either."

(and how on earth did all those high stress jobs get done when there was no instant access to email 24/7? isn't it amazing the world actually turned when all those important people couldn't check emails during doctor's appointments).

In those days, dads to be weren't given time off to do things like attend scans.

Oh people have already made that point..?

I had a difficult pregnancy and my husband came. But he came because he wanted to. I'd have been happy to go on my own.

I do think that some women get a bit odd about pregnancy.

I agree with Annarose, Tapir, Thisisstillfolkgirl and others.

Really can not see a problem with getting on with something whilst sitting around in a hospital waiting room. It's what I'd have done. That's before you add in the fact you suggested it

You do sound like hard work from reading this thread, tbh. I cannot see how sitting waiting for blood tests needs to be something you have to do looking lovingly into each others eyes.

The screaming and shouting sounds a very immature way to deal with an issue, but it reads to me as if that was both of you, and that is the way you tend to argue anyhow (from your later posts?).

*(and how on earth did all those high stress jobs get done when there was no instant access to email 24/7? isn't it amazing the world actually turned when all those important people couldn't check emails during doctor's appointments).

In those days, dads to be weren't given time off to do things like attend scans.*

Yes they were given time off if they wanted to. 20 years ago plenty of partners accompanied women to scans -- and kept their jobs. Actually I don't know of anyone who went to the scan by herself back then. but that is a red herring - this isn't about attending a scan or not.

The Op had a scan and also had her pregnancy confirmed as high risk. Her husband didn't respond in any way to this - good bad or indifferent. he just sat there. She told him to do his emails and he did. She went off to have bloods taken and when she came back again no response from him. when she told him she would have like more (or indeed any) engagement from him he demanded she apologise.

Obviously the screaming and shouting is disfunctional from both of them but for the life of me I can't imagine living a life where my expectations of my partner were so low that when he came with me to a scan it was perfectly acceptable for him to give absolutely no reaction whatsoever.

OP, can you tell us in what way you are 'high risk'. The way you write it makes you seem very 'me me me'. Also the mention of many reassurances scans ? And your only 12 weeks now.. How many scans have you already had before this one. Is it possible that you are projecting your need for attention , into this pregnancy. If you have very high blood pressure or placentaprevia (and therefore need complete bed rest) I could understand and would be VERY hacked off he he didn't discuss it. Is that the case or are you trying to make him treat you like a glass vase without any real reason .?

Odd, Canyou my dc are 19, 17, and 14 and dh didn't come with me to any scans, as was pretty normal for the waiting rooms whenever I was there. I can't think of anyone whose dh did go, tbh.

Not that I have an issue with it, but just to balance what is being said ^

12 weeks is far too early to reliably diagnose placenta praevia.
Lots of placentas can appear to be 'low' at this early stage and some bleeding can be quite common.
The majority of women go on to find that the placenta is 'high' at the twenty week anomaly scan. Only then, if it still appears to be low and actually completely covering the internal os, can placenta praevia be diagnosed.

My DH wasn't nearly excited enough for my liking during the scans. On one occasion we were told there was no need for a scan (were there for a heart check) but we could stay if we liked and queue for one. Without looking at me, DH smoothly told the nurse that we wouldn't bother. At the twelve week one he wasn't excited because he was thinking about work. It was hard. But he does love our children very much now.

"Without looking at me, DH smoothly told the nurse that we wouldn't bother."

I would have been massively annoyed about that.

Ffs, I've been on enough antenatal forums, folk, to know that it is us women who are disproportionately excited about scans. Not all men are nonchalant about them, but lots are , far more so than your average mum-to-be. Trust someone to bring bloody gender 'stereotyping' into it

So it was at least the third scan of a second baby. Not too exciting for a lot of people.
And you told him to check his email
You want affection from him that you can't show back.
And it's normal practice for the two of you to lose it with each other over small things (nice for the kids).

Your relationship sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. I'd certainly discuss today with him - but in counselling, ASAP.

What can you cut to afford it?

It's a false economy not to sort yourselves out individually and as a couple - divorce and running two homes is far more expensive.

You could afford counselling - but you prioritised having two children over it. I'm sure you have other things now that you could re-prioritise to afford it.

Cor blimey, Cabrinha! I thought I called a spade a spade

Ffs, I've been on enough antenatal forums,folk, to know that itisus women who are disproportionately excited about scans.

Not all women. I wasn't disproportionately excited about my scans. I just wasn't.

So it might be that some women are disproportionately excited, but not us women, because that assumes we are a homogeneous group who respond in the same way. And we're not and we don't.