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Original poster

Inappropriate emails

87 replies

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 20:07

I've posted here before but had the thread pulled as I felt it might be too indentifying. Second time lucky...

I saw emails between my DP and possible OW (when I was using his phone for something else).

DP had mentioned going out with work and was it convenient, it wasn't so I said it was better if he didn't go. He seemed fine about it, and I had no concerns.

Then I found emails to OW along the lines of:

DP: I can't come to x event sorry
OW: Oh no!
Dp: if I was there you wouldn't be alone (plus loads more her not having to share with a female colleague if he was there)
OW: I'll wear the suspenders you liked on my FB pic
DP: Dance for me in them
OW: if you make it worth my while...
DP: you'd better not fall in love with me

It went on.

Before posters who've read my previous post pick me up on discrepancies, I'm really sorry I've written this from memory when I saw the emails on Saturday and am trying to repost as accurately as possible.

He's away until tomorrow and I haven't confronted him, I got great advice before and I'm really grateful for any ideas anyone has about how to best deal with this.

I was angry; now I'm just sad.

OP posts:
RomComPhooey · 27/10/2015 23:21

I wondered the same MrsC.

ChilliAndBint · 27/10/2015 23:25

Sorry for daft name change and also for underplaying your situation as in playing Devils advocate.

There is flirty banter and there is seriously overstepping the line massively....

It could be silly repartee or something else.

I used to think light hearted flirting was a form of entertainment, and it is indeed for a lot of people but not everyone sees it this way of gauging how others might perceive this.

If it were a text I'd be inclined to think it was a bit of silliness, an email puts a whole new spin on it.

Have it out with DP, don't piss about. Scream and rant and show him you are not going to put up with sort of shit.

ForChina · 28/10/2015 00:07

Did you reply to her?

sykadelic · 28/10/2015 01:03

So she said (punctuation included) this?:

Oh no poor Lilly! If that was my boyfriend I would have gone tits! I've got a date on Friday ??

Reads to me like she's saying she would have flipped and is asking whether she has a date (with him) Friday yet. I'd reply something like:

"I'm not sure how much she knows yet or what she wants to do"

Basically some sort of leading question.

croon979 · 28/10/2015 01:31

I would read it in exactly the same way as sykadelic. She is asking if she herself has a date.

Garlick · 28/10/2015 01:42

Urgh, if you wanted to keep this up you'd need to know whether she uses "got a date" to mean she's free - or she has a date elsewhere, and wants to know if she should cancel it.

But, well, you've got your answer :( Whatever he's been doing with her is something she wouldn't like her boyfriend doing with anyone else.

I am very, very sorry Lilly. This is a time when you need to be able to tell all to a RL friend who will ply you with wine and cake.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2015 01:45

If all you sent was 'Lilly found out', it almost sounds to me as if your DP is involved with another woman, but that this one is aware of it. The specific reference to 'my boyfriend' seems to indicate it. It would have been more logical just to say 'If that happened to me…' unless she actually has a boyfriend. And her 'I have a date Friday??', who knows! Could mean anything from 'shall we double date', to 'Do we have a date?'.

So sorry you're going through this.

Kacie123 · 28/10/2015 07:31

I don't understand at all - why on earth would you be playing these dramatic games on Facebook? There's no way she's not going to mention that message to him.

You've lost any element of surprise in challenging him (and most people aren't that good at lying or bluffing in the face of someone challenging them without warning).

There's only one person you need to talk to - him. In person. If he's cheated then it sounds like it's over anyway. And if he hasn't, but the relationship's got to the point where you're sneaking behind his back and suspecting him, it's going to take a long time to heal anyway.

GloriaHotcakes · 28/10/2015 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lillyrose4 · 28/10/2015 08:54

I called him last night. It was a silly joke apparently that got out of hand.

I'm furious with him but will try and see if we can work it out.

RE Ow on FB, as far as I can tell she has a date with someone else on Friday (a customer) so she wasn't referring to my DP. Therefore their stories do match.

It's all pretty messed up, I have no idea why they would think this is funny but I'm going to try and forgive him.

Thank you for all the advice, I would never have confronted him last night without the help from here. I probably won't be back but thank you all.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 28/10/2015 09:43

Do you believe that it was a silly joke?

KinkyAfro · 28/10/2015 09:53

It wasn't a silly joke Lillyrose, he's fobbed you off with a shit excuse and you've fallen for it.

I read her message and thought she knows it's not him messaging her and she's said she's got a date on Friday (not with your DP) but just a date to throw you off the track.

Please don't listen to his shit

fastdaytears · 28/10/2015 09:58

People believe what they want to.

His explanation makes no sense and nor does her message.

Good luck OP but if you need support then come back. No one will say "I told you so".

tableanadchairs · 28/10/2015 10:14

I think you are being played-they have had plenty of time to get their story straight.

Please do not fall for this excuse. This was so much more and is so much more than a joke that got out of hand.

NumbBlaseCold · 28/10/2015 11:37

Whether or not they have done anything their messages are very flirty and inappropriate.

That is not a silly joke.

That is him crossing a line very far over.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2015 12:11

To paraphrase the Doobie Brothers; "What a fool believes (s)he sees no wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be is always better than nothing."

Lilly, think carefully about the chain of events in this 'joke'. It's highly unlikely.

Do you really think your DP would play such a cruel joke on you? And although cheating is much, much worse why would you want to stay with someone who thinks it's 'funny' to play such an unfunny 'joke'?

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 28/10/2015 12:22

RE Ow on FB, as far as I can tell she has a date with someone else on Friday (a customer) so she wasn't referring to my DP. Therefore their stories do match

Of course they match, they were probably together when you messaged her

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2015 12:28

You've been played.
If OW thought it was your DP messaging her saying you'd found out and there was nothing between them then OW would have said, 'Found out what?'
There's either something going on or your DP was with her and she knew it couldn't be him messaging.
Either way, it doesn't add up. You gave DP too much time to get a story together. A story that you believe. I bet he can't believe his luck. Sorry Flowers

SlightlyJaded · 28/10/2015 13:00

Lily. I know how tempting it is to choose to believe the bullshit. Even when deep down you n own its bullshit.

She didn't question what you had 'found out'

She offered to wear stockings and suspenders for your partner

There is no 'joke' anywhere that I can see.

If you choose to go along with this for now, you will never feel secure. Ever.

I know it's really hard but please don't be a fool.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 13:02

You will be back Haloween Sad

Robotgirl · 28/10/2015 14:28

He's bullshitting you. Think about it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2015 14:42

Clearly he knew about the messages before you confronted him. So of course it's all a joke hilarious. You're being a mug frankly!

SlightlyJaded · 28/10/2015 16:14

Lillyrose4 Tue 27-Oct-15 21:04:06
"I don't think that I can believe a thing he says if I confront him"

And yet, here we are.

:(

YellowTulips · 28/10/2015 16:30

Another voice to add to the choir....

He's not telling you the truth and deep down somewhere I suspect you know that, which Is why you've stopped posting, because you are not ready to confront that reality and reading this thread will force you to do that. Sad

Come back when you are ready Thanks

Jan45 · 28/10/2015 16:52

A joke, and you believe that, dearie me, he's either sexually involved with this OW or is trying his hardest to get his leg over her (suspenders).

When she said, I have a date on Friday? That's a question OP, directed at your OH, she was hoping they could meet up.

What a strange way to react unless of course you are in denial.

Yeah, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it was a joke.

they both must be pissing themselves.

If you don't set him boundaries, it will carry on, he's untrustworthy OP.