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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Inappropriate emails

87 replies

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 20:07

I've posted here before but had the thread pulled as I felt it might be too indentifying. Second time lucky...

I saw emails between my DP and possible OW (when I was using his phone for something else).

DP had mentioned going out with work and was it convenient, it wasn't so I said it was better if he didn't go. He seemed fine about it, and I had no concerns.

Then I found emails to OW along the lines of:

DP: I can't come to x event sorry
OW: Oh no!
Dp: if I was there you wouldn't be alone (plus loads more her not having to share with a female colleague if he was there)
OW: I'll wear the suspenders you liked on my FB pic
DP: Dance for me in them
OW: if you make it worth my while...
DP: you'd better not fall in love with me

It went on.

Before posters who've read my previous post pick me up on discrepancies, I'm really sorry I've written this from memory when I saw the emails on Saturday and am trying to repost as accurately as possible.

He's away until tomorrow and I haven't confronted him, I got great advice before and I'm really grateful for any ideas anyone has about how to best deal with this.

I was angry; now I'm just sad.

OP posts:

Bodear · 27/10/2015 22:15

Do you want a date on Friday? ??

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 22:16

I have no idea.... What did your first message say?

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:17

I'm no good at this. That makes no sense to me. Was Friday when this work thing was or has that been and gone?

ohtheholidays · 27/10/2015 22:17

No idea that sounds really confusing to me,do you think maybe she's playing it safe incase it's not your OH messaging her.

SlightlyJaded · 27/10/2015 22:18

Lilly, please consider that as he is out, the first thing she will do is call him.

You've sent the text now, so the ball is rolling. Do you have someone you can call in RL to give you some moral support tonight?

If not, you have the Mumsnet Army behind you. Poor you - he's a shit.

Original poster

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 22:18

Sorry I wasn't at all clear.

I sent a message from DP to OW saying I had found out

She has responded by saying she has a date.

(I was pretending to be DP)

OP posts:

StarTravels · 27/10/2015 22:19

She's assuming she has a date with your DP Friday or she has a date with someone else?

Original poster

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 22:21

I think she's trying to prove a point but I might be wrong

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:21

Yes the double question mark thing I read as "so does that mean we're going out Friday"

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 22:22

Ask her who the date is with, and what does she think you know?

Did you say that you, lilly, had found just the emails?

I dunno what to make of it, I'd guess she's probably in touch with him right now. Also, curve ball, can you be 100% certain he's not with her right now?

SlightlyJaded · 27/10/2015 22:22

It is confusing. Has your DP mentioned going out on Friday? Or is you gut feeling this is another tangent?

Bodear · 27/10/2015 22:22

I think she is saying to your dp "as Lilly knows do I get to see you on Friday?"
I think you should flirt back to see if you tells if they've acted it, hence "do you want a date on Friday winky face" xx

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:23

Don't even know what "going tits" means. Not happy I guess.

What point do you think she's trying to prove? Do you know her at all?

Original poster

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 22:27

Going tits has no reference to me either. Guess it's some sort of slang.

He's back tomorrow as far as I know, not sure what I can say to catch them out.

I'm not sure I actually want to

OP posts:

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 22:31

To me it sounds more like she is playing down any flirting in the face of OP knowing ie if she believes it is the guy messaging to say his wife has found out she is swiftly making light of it and making clear she's interested in someone else?

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:33

I think you are hurting yourself unnecessarily with this messaging. As everyone else has said, she'll contact him now and then he will have to tell you something- whether or not it's the whole truth.

Do you want to find all this out by Facebook? I think log off and think about what you want.

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:34

Three I agree that might be her tactic but I would have said "found out what?" at the least if I was trying to play it all down.

It's a really confusing reply.

43percentburnt · 27/10/2015 22:35

Gone tits means 'I would be really angry/pissed off'.

Sorry you are going through this.

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 22:38

Unless it's not gone further than flirty emails and she assume that what it means - that OP has found out about inappropriate emails. So to her its quite a flippant reply as there's no more to it than that IYSWIM

SlightlyJaded · 27/10/2015 22:39

Lily. You know if DP logs onto his FB from wherever he is, he is going to see the message exchange? I really think you should be talking to him.

YellowTulips · 27/10/2015 22:55

I'd back off the Facebook tbh.

Based on the texts there had been at best some pretty damn heavy flirting if not more.

Either way, there is a significant breach of trust in your relationship and behaviour that's disrespectful to you.

90% of people who post about a PA/EA state how "good" a DP/DH is and struggle to reconcile the person love with the person who has behaved in this way.

The truth is they are "this" person but they hid this aspect of their make up from you.

The only way to move forward is to speak to him directly. Tell him he has one chance to tell the truth. Don't ask what he did, ask why he did it.

Then decide if you want to proceed in a relationship with someone who behaved in this way and justifies those actions on whatever crappy excuse he will throw at you.

ForChina · 27/10/2015 23:04

God you're playing with fire here. There are so, so many ways this could go wrong.

By the way, to me it reads as if she knows something about your partner and someone else. It doesn't sound very personal to her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2015 23:15

ForChina...I agree with you. This has gone a little bit wrong hasn't it?! I thought the same, that the "potential OW" knows something else...that was a very very strange response. Really think you should step away from FB OP...

lexigrey · 27/10/2015 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2015 23:17

Is there also the possibility that she knew it was you...because he was with her?

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