Anyone forgiven a cheater?

[UnexpectedSingleMum]

Just as the title says....has anyone taken back a cheating DH and how did it pan out?

A mixed bag but some definite successes too? Thanks again for all sharing.
madeofstone and pitiless yank would you mind if I ask you a question? Would you say it was the 'state' of your relationship at the time which allowed you to be drawn to another person or was it the strength of feeling for the person you cheated with that drew you to them? My worry is that he had really, really strong feelings for this woman and will be 'settling' back for me because for him to risk everything by cheating is absolutely, positively out of character for him.
offred Perhaps my current situation is pushing me towards him but would I regret not giving it a shot if I feel I could? Interesting you don't regret trying bunnytyler .
Food for thought....

macshoto he worked away too....and travelled with the other woman who did pursue him heavily (I am an excellent sleuth & have spied on their communications almost from day 1 until I had concrete evidence so I saw the nature of the texts & emails and she was relentless. Not excusing him of course. She wasn't married with children, although she did have a 7 year partner). I find it comforting that not everyone 'reoffends' and learns from the experience.....

I tried... I made it clear I didn't know if I could forgive but wanted to try... we were 'trying' less than 3 months before I discovered he'd done it again... with someone else

Turned out whilst I was busting a gut trying to get him to talk etc, and work on 'us' he decided that actually, it wasn't going to work so rather than tell me he found another woman to shag. When I discovered that one I kicked him out and haven't looked back.

I'm now divorced (kicked him out last september) and am happier than I've been in a long time... hope you are able to make the right decision for you.

I think no-one can answer what you will regret in the future. Regrets only become apparent with hindsight! All you can do is make a decision that you feel comfortable and happy with, where you understand your reasons and are prepared for what might go wrong.

Where is he up to emotionally? Have you talked about what happened and does he regret it?

I don't regret trying, no.
But that is probably a lot to do with my personality type and the way I approach everything in life.
I don't want to romanticise or soft focus it for you, because that is unfair.

It has been/still is an awful, gut wrenching thing - I have been in the absolute pit of despair and hurt.
I have questioned everything about myself and what I lack over, and over and over.

It's hard, it's horrible, and it hurts.

I don't regret it, and would make the same choice, but it almost finished me.
I am a very, very strong and resilient person, but I have struggled very much with the second betrayal - it is humiliating, but also liberating at the same time.

To clarify - even though it hurts, I'm happier and feel lighter now that I've finished it finally.

Unexpected- our relationship wasn't perfect, we had stopped talking/ engaging each other, that in way excuses my actions but it was a fact. We tried to talk to each other which can be difficult as we are quite different, but as I said eight years ago and I would not be unfaithful again. We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary.

I know for a fact if I did it again she would leave me, no hesitation, and rightly so.

She has never looked at my phone, to my knowledge. My emails go to my phone I leave phone and tablet lying around but she doesn't know my passcodes although I have freely handed it to her many times to make calls, I'm not precious about anything.

pitless the fact my marriage would be over isn't the reason I wouldn't cheat again. The reason is it would be wrong to my family through that again. I faced up to a few things about myself, got CBT which was not pleasant but a massive help though took time. I think I am finally the grown up adult I should've been the whole time. my wife deserves a lot of credit for the support and help she gave me.

I did try.

He had an affair and he really wanted to leave me and the children and be with her, but she ended it and went back to her previous partner. I certainly wanted to separate, but circumstances went against it and he asked me to try again. I couldn't really discuss it with anyone in RL as everyone knew us both and I thought knowing might change their attitude and behaviour toward him. I was lost really - had Mumsnet been around then, things ... my life ... might have been very different.

After a few weeks, the situation morphed into it being my fault and I was bewildered when he started setting conditions and allocating blame. I was rubbish in bed, I was too fat, I didn't take enough (any) exercise. (I did have a stressful job and was the main breadwinner). We stayed together for a further 8 years during which time I always felt second best and that a part of him had never returned.

After 8 years he said he had had enough and left - even orchestrating our separation to suit him, involving us living together for a further year because of DC's exams and during that time meeting someone else online and visiting them abroad twice (using our joint account for air tickets). We had been married for 23 years by the time he left. If he had gone 8 years previously, perhaps I might have had a chance to start again with someone else - but I was beaten into submission by the time he left.

After he left I found letters showing that within 3 months of him begging for a second chance, he had been in touch with the OW again asking for another chance with her, which she refused.

I did try.

I did.
We're still together & ultimately happy. I would say I am happier now than 'before'.

Not the same relationship as before 'd- day'. Before, it had become 'all about the kids' now there's a balance of the kids and us.

I don't think there's any 'winning formula', it's all about tolerance levels - I surprised myself in ' accepting' he had had an affair and giving it another go. Before it happened to me I swore I would not of tolerated it- and stayed . I was really critical of women who gave 'cheaters' another chance.
Suffice to say - my friends etc were equally surprised we did stay together.

Most shocked was Dh - he never thought I would give him another chance.

I'm in a bit of a weird ? place at the moment - his affair partner recently got married.
I was dignified at the time but promised myself I would turn up if ever she married ( for what I don't know) . And I bloody missed it
In retrospect - probably best I did, I would of spoilt the dignity I kept at the time.
I've (we've) moved on so I guess glad she got her wedding day unspoilt by someone giving a history lesson.

miaow the way you were treated sounds utterly horrific and I hope you are moving onwards and upwards now? What a manipulative bully he sounded like
macshoto, pitiless, bunny, madeofstone thank you for your brutally honest accounts. It helps to hear all sides of the coin - tried/worked/didn't work/cheated/cheated on etc.
oohmrdarcy he sounds incredibly cowardly and i'm glad you are now happier than ever
pausingforbreath I can relate to your post a lot in terms of your surprise at your own 'tolerance' and I too think you should be proud of your dignified behaviour. I sent a beautifully crafted & well thought out email to 'her' and although it felt good I wish I had remained out of contact all together. She never replied.
offred he's accepted responsibility & given me the whole, ugly truth despite having been in a state of denial for many months. He's applying no pressure and is making huge efforts to demonstrate his commitment to 'winning me back'. I see no rush. I am enjoying his company again. I feel excited to see him again. And it's my decision ultimately.

Yes, it is.

No-one on here can or should tell you what to do. You will have to make a decision at some point but it sounds like he is not forcing the issue - which is good!

Take your time there's never going to be an easy answer to this.

No, I couldn't forgive my husband, not that he wanted to come back. I might have been able to get past it if there had been any other OW than the one he is with. Long back story, OW is malice personified. I subsequently found out about many other affairs, despite the fact we'd had a baby that he put huge pressure on me to have (I was 42 at that point). He has already cheated on OW (although denies it). He is a serial cheat and cocklodger, searching for some utopia that doesn't exist. He has proved himself to be a shit father, a lazy, vile waste of space. Yet I still managed to waste 15 years of my life on him. Ultimately, the kids and I are hugely better off without him. I know two couples in my circle of friends who have recovered from affairs with success, although trust has gone and frankly, without that, you are permanently living on the edge aren't you?

I wish you luck with whatever you decide

Pitiless Yank & UnexpectedSingleMum

Thanks for the me being dignified comments. I was in public but behind closed doors , at home - not so much.

I did give complete radio silence to OW - except perhaps maybe her leaving card sent to her at work for her last day ( they worked together) ; might of been sent, if not from me , perhaps because of me.....

www.smuttycards.com/sleep-with-new-job-card/prod_1409.html

Brilliant!!

offred you have given me some excellent advice through this thread that will remain with me...thank you, you are very wise.
Now that's a real piece of work you've described there TheFormidable, definitely sounds like you're better off by a (few hundred) country miles....
Hahaha brilliant pausingforbreath......

Yes. And it's been worth it. But there are so many different factors no two situation is the same.

"But I'm conscious what people will think of me and I'm scared of being wrong." Don't even consider that. It is the least important reason to do anything.

I've forgiven.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Still think about it at times and the pain is still there.
We had some time apart. He got the help with his mental health he should have had 12 months before. We're now happily together again.

I don't throw it back at him when we argue (although I sometimes think it in my head). He lets me have full access to his email/ phone and doesn't have "flirty friendships" with other women ( this was always a sticking point- I'm an introvert and he has lots of friends). Essentially we try and be a bit more considerate towards each other. The OW is out of our lives and tbh I feel a bit sorry for her ( its taken me a LONG time to think that). It helped that he realised very quickly he had been a complete dick and was willing to do whatever it took to get things back on track.

For me is was the right choice. All of us ( me, him, children) are happier together than apart....... its a long painful path to get there though

It's been 10 months, you've been through the worst. Could you do it all over again in the event he cheats again?
Is some of the problem you feeling lonely? If so have you considered meeting someone else? Many MNers who have ended relationships due to cheating will tell you that they've found happiness with someone else and never looked back.
Just to add, I very recently discovered H had been cheating on me, whilst I'm pregnant. I asked him to leave and although I have had crazy days where I've wished him back I know I'd never trust him again and I don't want that life. And as pp have said, it's also about respect. A cheater has no respect for their partner, they are selfish and those are traits that are incredibly hard to change.

About 20 months on here from discovering DH's affair.

I absolutely don't regret giving him a chance, but sometimes it was very hard to lurk in relationships and hear the whole 'once a cheater always a cheater' generalisation that gets bandied about.

Irian is right in that no two situations are the same. When I started a thread after discovering DH's affair a lot of posters were happy to tell me that I was stupid to even consider taking him back, that it probably wasn't the first time he'd cheated, that he was minimising and he would never own up to what he'd done and would want to sweep it under a carpet. There were also a lot of posters who were very supportive and allowed me to make my own decisions and hold my hand whilst I did so.

DH didn't follow the script. He told the truth, sought counselling, worked bloody hard to regain my trust and now, even though it is still far from perfect in some ways in that I still think about it occasionally (obviously lurking on relationships doesn't exactly help with that ), I am much happier, our relationship is much more equal, open, honest, and I actually feel closer to him and love him more now than I did a few years ago. And it is exactly the same for him.

It sounds like your new life is not what you envisaged and you want to retreat back into your old life but that can't happen because he threw a grenade into your old life. You can't have the old but you can create a new relationship but you will need a lot more that the familiarity he represents.

Your co-parenting relationship is seducing you and giviing you a nostalgic taster of your old life but a romantic relationship would require a lot more of both of you.