Anyone forgiven a cheater?

[UnexpectedSingleMum]

Just as the title says....has anyone taken back a cheating DH and how did it pan out?

If you probably wouldn't consider it without DCs I think that says considering it is more about 'for the kids/family unit' than because you have something worth trying to save TBH.

Has something happened recently that's made you think about reuniting?

What other people think is irrelevant. People will always gossip whatever is going on and if you got back together after splitting it will be a topic of conversation for a while then people will move on. Being wrong is something that you should pay more attention to.

i did the first time he promised no more chatting up women on dating sites, the second time i caught him doing it again he got sneaky and hid his phone the third time i found out he was not only chatting to women but also meeting them (he left his match.com account open, didnt realise i could do digging online) that was it marriage over and he was out of my life, i got more paranoid looking for signs he was behaving differently, didnt trust him when he said he was going somewhere without me, started checking his laptop everytime he was out, after the first time our life together just wasnt the same, once the trust is gone then you cant go back to how it was before, he was someone i was totally in love with and it nearly destroyed me

And it's not just about the possibility that he might cheat again. It's whether you trust him, whether you can move on together as well. It's a lot to consider.

And it will always be a risk because you can think all this through beforehand then find out you feel differently to how you expected to once you've decided to give it another go. Then it's harder to get out of because you are 'splitting up the family' again.

Yup, I forgave him, and he did it again. Didn't forgive him that time though. 15 years down the line I am deleriously happily married to someone else and he is miserable as sin.

oh yes, and I didn't forgive ex #1 and he went on to marry the woman he cheated on me for and then continued to cheat on her.

Sorry, I've just checked back in. We did separate for a few months. It's in no way easy. I don't trust him and am questioning everything he does in my mind, it'll be a long path back to real happiness but I'm willing to take the risk because what we have has the potential to be amazing. I really didn't ever think I'd give a cheater another chance but here I am, doing just that. It is one chance only. If he screws up again he knows he's gone, no questions asked, no conversations. Just gone.

Thank you for all of your very honest responses and sorry for what you've been through.
There is no pressure for me to make a decision and I'm not ready yet.
offred Two significant things have happened I guess - the first is the house sold so I moved 100 miles away with dc's. They're so small I wanted to be closer to my family. It isn't really working out how I had hoped. Also, as ex's we've built a new 'friendship' and this has a level of respect in the way we talk to / treat each other that our relationship lacked towards the end.
More time needed for sure.....

Like others have posted, my cheating ex acted a bit contrite at the time but basically just carried on cheating until I found out about it again five years and a child later and left him - it was the same OW.

Some people do try and make it work.

I often hear stories of taking a cheater back only for them to do it again either with the same person or someone else.

My advice would be to do what is best for yourself. I really don't think a child will thank you for staying because of them. In fact I know many adults who have said they wished their parents had separated sooner rather than later.

Remember cheaters will promise to walk over burning coals inorder to keep what they have.

I also think the cheater has the most to lose if the relationship ends so will often say/do whatever it takes to make the other partner forgive them.

But if your move had worked out well, and you were enjoying living in your new home and area then presumably you wouldn't even consider taking your ex back?

Please think very, very carefully - it would be perfectly possible to build a good 'friendship' with your ex and ensure he is fully involved, as much as possible, with bringing up the children without actually committing to moving back in together.

To me that just indicates that you relate better to each other as parents who are not in a relationship with each other.

Also agree that if you were happy where you are getting back with your x would not necessarily be on your mind.

I think you should try and make your new life a happy one without x before you consider getting back with him as otherwise you run the risk of the decision just being about running away from your life without him and hoping to turn the clock back to a time that may not even have existed in reality but which is looking better in hindsight.

You are always better off if you enter any relationship with anyone from a position of being happy, stable and secure as a singleton IMO.

You've heard the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" that everyone seems to bandy around...it's popular for a reason.

I cheated on DH, 25 years ago when we lived together but before we were married. He didn't find out but I confessed as I felt guilty, forgiven and largely forgotten, it now feels like a story with little emotional baggage attached. I feel lucky. Two close family members took back cheating DH's and went on to have long and ultimately successful relationships.

I think cheating can often be a one -off thing.

My DH has swept it under the carpet, and doesn't know what all the fuss is about. 6 weeks in the spare room since finding out. Don't know how it's ever going to work.

Yes wiggly. It's very personal. Cheating doesn't have to ever happen again for it to completely ruin a relationship though. Not everyone can forgive or move on. If you're considering going back you have to give it the best chance by being sure you are doing it for the right reasons - because you have forgiven, you want the relationship, you have moved on.

Not because life apart is difficult and you want to go back to how things were.

I did but it wasn't the same, I didn't feel the same about him and the relationship felt hollow afterwards. It wasn't so much that I didn't forgive him I just didn't feel the same when I looked at him.

Then he did do it again, blaming the fact that things weren't the same, and I was off like a shot.

Yes, a long time ago. It was a defining point in our marriage and made us both sit up and take notice and make a lot of changes for the better. There was a lot of fault on both sides. We have been married a long time now and it feels like ancient history.

I cheated on my wife, we are still together.

She found out, I admitted everything no minimalising. I took the full blame which wasn't really what my wife wanted because she wanted me to blame the other woman, I didn't, and still wouldn't. It wasn't my wife or other woman it was me.

I moved out for a week, didn't go to other woman went to parents where my wife and I talked. There were reasons for the affair which were not just about me but the responsibility of not cheating was mine and all mine.

It was made slightly easier due to the geographical distance, I worked away at the time. So there was no chance of "banging into anyone"

That was eight years ago and I would never cheat again, that doesn't make me a hero it makes me normal. I have no issue answering any questions you want, but any halfwits who just want to use me as a surrogate to their own ex partners please don't.

Yes.

Gave my marriage a second chance, found out 4 yrs later (a few months ago, actually!) that he didn't.

I've no regrets about giving him and the marriage another shot though. If I had my time again I would do the same.
At least now there are no 'what ifs' or 'maybe's' - I know for sure that it was not meant to be, and that he couldn't not be selfish and greedy when it came to his penis.

We get on well and he's a good guy and a hands on, involved dad - he's just a cheating arsehole that I don't need to be in a relationship with.

Hi I found out my H was cheating last year. I'm slowly considering trying again. I doubt I'd even think about it if it wasn't for dcs though. Be careful, H seems very sorry and I can see we were in a bad place together before the cheating started. However I cant shake the feeling he is promising me the world at the moment, telling me everything I want to hear. I wonder deep down if we both just want the secure family unit back rather than each other.

In some ways a similar situation to madeofstone. I cheated on my then girlfriend while in a long distance relationship, about 2 years into our relationship. She found out due to my erratic behaviour. Now coming up for 10 years married.

We had complete transparency over what happened; my (now) wife had full access to email and phone, and we took our time over deciding to proceed to engagement and then marriage.

Cheating was a stupid thing to do; I succumbed to a combination of being persued and some nerves about taking our relationship to the next step (I was in my 30's and she was to be my first live-in partner, moving abroad to be with me). Fortunately my (now) wife could see that and gave me a second chance. Count myself very fortunate that she did. Wouldn't consider risking going through the same again - definitely chastened by the whole experience; and would have a whole lot more to lose.