Confidence about appearance goes as soon as I begin to develop feelings...

[yessugar]

Can anyone help with this?

I've been online dating/been set up with friends for the last 6 months. I've been on lots of dates and only one so far hasn't contacted me again to ask to go out again...so I know I have no reason to lack confidence in this context. But I do.

I've just met someone wonderful, but I can't get it out of my head that he's much, much better looking than me and will therefore go off me or 'realise I'm not that attractive' on closer inspection.

I really like this person and I don't want to mess it up.

People are not just about what they look like

People are a whole package
eg their beliefs, how they treat other people, how you support people through the good & the bad times, laughter, tears, education, background, hobbies, children, health, kindness, employment, family & friends, star sign, age etc

You have to kiss alot of frogs until you find a prince...

Everyone is looking for something different

Everyone has different "deal breakers"

It seems you have not met the right person yet

I have no advuce but this is one of my issues. I feeel like I am attractive enough (or can appear attractive enough) to interest someone initially,but not then good enough to sustain their Iinterest long term.

My self confidence is inversely proportionate to how long I have been with someone/how they claim to feel etc.

In my last short lived relationship I had a one of those "just clicked" connections. After the first date, we both went home amd then messaged each other for another 3 hours. I've never had anything like that but, even though the attraction (phyisical and mental) was palpable, ultimately I still wasn't young or attractive enough to sustain his interest.

So I don't know what the answer is. I've given up now!

Good luck with this man.

I read somewhere that men love confident women. They find confident women fascinating as well as really attractive. Think 'fake it until you make it,' and ooze confidence in your interactions next time. I'd start practising!

ultimately I still wasn't young or attractive enough to sustain his interest.

This is all in your head. The solution to this is to go out in public and have a wander around a busy town centre on a Saturday. Everywhere you look will be couples holding hands, being affectionate - where one or other or even both of them are over weight, unkempt, hideous to look at.

How do you think is that ugly, old and fat people manage to have relationships?!?

It all about personal perceptions, but it's understandable that the dating game is making you feel vulnerable.

My own OH might not be thought to be some sort of cultural ideal, but because of what he means to me his appearance pleases me greatly, end of.

Many other people in relationships really do find it perfectly possible to think the same way, so go easy on yourself, OP.

where one or other or even both of them are over weight, unkempt, hideous to look at.

But I don't want someone overweight, hideous or unkempt.

It's not in my head. It's the feedback I've had.

And I believed the whole 'men like confident women' thing until the reality was presented to me.

I haven't come up with this out of nowhere. It's my personal experience from relationships and feedback from talking to single male friends. And I don't mix with shallow/superficial/vacuous people.

Maybe its to do with men increasingly finding the prospect of marriage/partnership too risky? If men can enjoy casual, no strings relationships in abundance without committing financially, perhaps that's one reason.

But I don't want someone overweight, hideous or unkempt.

You were missing my point. I was talking about you - not the prospective partner My point is that even if YOU are overweight, hideous or unkempt (not saying you are btw) this is no bar to finding a partner - just look around you. There are plenty of people who are really unattractive who find partners who are far more attractive.

So if you aren't any of these things, it is no bar to finding a partner.

It's not in my head. It's the feedback I've had.

So what "feedback" are you talking about? Partners in the process of dumping you saying you aren't attractive enough for them?

FFS.

Do you think it's true really? I doubt it is, but if it is, then you have two options:

1. accept that you will wait to find someone who finds you attractive as you are. This may mean changing who you are dating - eg. people who are less looks focussed, or accepting that if you are (say) a 5/10 constantly chasing/only dating men who are a 10/10 is likely to lead to rejection.
2. improve how you look to boost yourself confidence. There are plenty of ways for woman to improve their attractiveness depending on what the issue is. Get to the gym. have a make up lesson. Get your colours done. If something is bothering you get it fixed - teeth go see a dentist/orthodontist etc.

I still say this is in your head.

Ahh, I see...

Right well, I have done the dumping after behaviours/sentiments expressed indicated that they were 'settling' having realised they could no longer reasonably expect to achieve a 20something gf no matter how much they felt they deserved one. Comments about lowering expectations (whereas mine have raised now I'm older); 'having to accept' they now need to consider 'older' (same age) women; actively ogling younger women in front of me; active OD profiles for the purpose of flirting with much younger women even if not meeting them; and expressing surprise (not admiration) that I was confident being/walking round naked with my imperfect then 30something body (I wasn't, I was faking it and haven't done it since); not being prepared to date a woman with any grey hair, even if she dyed it; etc, etc, etc...

I lost 2 stone when my ex and split up, I started going to the hairdressers instead of home dying my hair, I had a wardrobe overhall, maintain my unmanicured nails and took up new hobbies. My confidence rose dramatically and I was/am arguably more attractive than I am been at any previous point in my life. Including my early 20s because I was too thin then. But not to men. I have put on a little bit of weight, but I'm in proportion. I could stand to lose a stone or so, but I like good food and good beer so...

I'm not driven by wealth or material possessions. I don't care what car he drives or what he earns as long as he's intelligent/employed/educated. I'm not fussed about looks, I like 'quirky' people in general and don't find classically attractive people particularly attractive. I certainly don't think I've been punching above my weight. I'm not prepared to punch any lower!

But there you go.

I am aware I'm being a bit of a grump re this. I suppose I'm just saddened/frustrated that this is how it is. That this is the point when I'm comfortable with who I am and happy to push myself outside of my comfort zone etc and no one wants me because I'm too old!

The same is true of my same age single female friends, whereas our single male friends are focusing on women under 30 and wondering why it never works out!

Comments about lowering expectations (whereas mine have raised now I'm older); 'having to accept' they now need to consider 'older' (same age) women; actively ogling younger women in front of me; active OD profiles for the purpose of flirting with much younger women even if not meeting them; and expressing surprise (not admiration) that I was confident being/walking round naked with my imperfect then 30something body (I wasn't, I was faking it and haven't done it since); not being prepared to date a woman with any grey hair, even if she dyed it; etc, etc, etc...

This is nothing more than saying you are/were dating a twat.

You need to change the kind of men you are dating. Someone who thinks like this, isn't going to suddenly whip a "hot young chicks only" attitude out of the bag. It's apparent through their behaviour; it seeps through if you get to know someone. I wouldn't tolerate a man ogling any woman in front of me and I'd have been out of there straight a way. As should you.

There are plenty of men in the world who would not refuse to date a woman with grey hair even if she dyed it. There are plenty of men who aren't hung up on youth.

Sounds like you've had a rough ride with a bunch of idiots.

That wasn't one man, though! That was about 10 or 11 that I dated ranging from 1 date to 10 months!

They were all completely different to each other: different nationalities; educational backgrounds; levels of education; interests... a real cross section.

And yes, I was out of there straightaway. With the exception of the 10 month guy (I hung around there for a couple of months longer than I should) they were gone pdq.

I didn't tolerate the ogling. I dumped him.

I know I'm not a man but the five dates I've been out on, the two I clicked with were no better looking than the other three. The three I didn't click with, I couldn't wait to say good bye. I know men are more looks-orientated, but it can't be all they notice can it? They must actually notice if they're connecting with somebody on a personality level??

But I don't know. The only man who's contacting me is one who told me he ''doesn't want a relationship''. Mind you, I'm quite upbeat still. Five dates is nothing really. I went in to this thinking I'd do about 30 before I gave up and died alone.

ps, I think some men haven't replied to me because I live too far away, I have children, or my children aren't over 18, or I'm too old! It's not my ACTUAL face.

I've ruled out people for looking a bit cross. Posing in a tracksuit. Looking like a drinker.

But I think for now, it's a numbers game there are so few men my age (my up to +7) who'd date me, that out of that small pool it's going to be harder.

But don't worry about "messing it up". A married friend said that to me recently, jokily, and i know she means well, but now i think, it's either right or it isn't. he could mess it up too.

F0x sadly, the one I connected with the most on a personality level was the one who had made the comments about 'having to accept' and who ogled. I mean we were finishing each others sentences from the first date, used the same peculiar turns of phrase, were the last ones out of the restaurant as they closed up around us and were oblivious to it. I have honestly never experienced that before. But it wasn't OTT. No lovebombing or anything, we just clicked.

The bottom line was that he wanted me, but me in much younger, slimmer, prettier packaging. He was gutted when I ended it (allegedly).

People are a whole packageeg their beliefs, how they treat other people, how you support people through the good & the bad times, laughter, tears, education, background, hobbies, children, health, kindness, employment, family & friends, star sign, age etc

And that's all true, but if you want a man who is worth having, you'd better also be 26 and a size 8-10!

Except that when I was 26, a 40+ man was the last thing I wanted!!

This happens to me too OP! It's really odd!!! I feel like I'm sexy as hell until I like a guy back and my confidence disappears all of a sudden

Oh boy. I get that. YOu did the right thing dumping him. He didn't give a thought to his own packaging I bet.

I hear you and I@m in very similar shoes. The same shoes. I'm content, independent, my self-esteem is good. I feel like I could finally have an equal, healthy relationship but unless I want to date men of 60 it's not going to happen (I'm nearly 45).

I was chatting to a man (briefly) on line and we were supposed to meet up. I had an intuition that it wouldn't come to much. We arranged to meet up and swapped numbers. When I'd put his number in my phone, I checked viber and whatsapp to see if there was another photo. There WAS!! and he looked much older than 51. He'd boasted told me about the book he'd written so it wasn't too hard to find out his real age. 60. I sent a message saying that I hadn't realised he was sixty, I'd thought he was 51. which to be honest, still feels 'old' . But sixty? No. He sent back a message saying' oh that's gas, now i won't get to hear about your extraordinary life'
I just left it there. although i was tempted to reply "my life isn't fiction at least" but I didn't bother.

Thisisstilfolkgirl, did he grasp why you'd ended it? could he imagine if you'd liked him but spent the whole time wishing he was 10+ years younger?

I wonder if he learnt anything that's sentimental of me

I know. If they don't want someone the same age, why the hell so they think we want someone 20yrs older?!!

I went out with one guy who told me he was 10 years older than me. That was pushing it a bit, ideally I wouldn't want someone more than 5yrs older, but he was actually 15 yrs older!

And even the ones who say they are willing to date someone older the same age aren't really. They still hope they'll get some compliant and pretty or hot and fuck young thing.

Those women don't want you! You're an old man to them!!

• hot as fuck. Grr typo.

"I know. If they don't want someone the same age, why the hell so they think we want someone 20yrs older?!!"

Precisely!!! They try their luck I guess and some women just make it easy for them. I wish they wouldn't. I was accused of being ageist on here by some ageing idiot. Told I had an issue with age gaps. Oh the irony. I've dated a man ten years older (again, that was pushing it, it didn't work). That was real life thing though so he didn't seem as entitled ykwim. But for a man who only ever dated miuch younger women to tell me that the issue was mine, I wanted to drown him.
how much luck do they have with younger women??????????? REally!? They can lie about their age but if they show up on a date, the woman wouldn't fancy them.

I've already had to compromise. I went to this thinking no more than 5 years older because that's not what I want. I changed it to 7. But I can suss out the liars.

I still think I'll end up meeting somebody in real life. Even though there are millions of men on line, they have a sweet shop mentality.

I think a lot of this is an internet dating problem. It's still the case that the best way to form a relationship is getting to know someone in real life.

The law of averages dictate is that the kind of man who is going to be internet dating a lot is the kind of person who will trying to shag lots of women.

Pre-internet dating for an average joe in his 50s, finding a 20 something to date would have been very hard work - unless you were a college lecturer!

Now it's easy because there is an online shop full of them. And ones who are interested in dating older men say so.

Not all men who are doing on line dating are twats but A LOT are. And finding one a man who isn't a twat via online dating is not good odds I think. It's not impossible but the odds are massively stacked against it.

Think about it - if a man who is older and has had your children and come out of a long marriage - what are you going to want? A lot of sex with younger women. Not commitment. Not another marriage. Not another wife to have dinner on t' table. Not everyone will be like this - but a lot will be.