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Original poster

Confidence about appearance goes as soon as I begin to develop feelings...

57 replies

yessugar · 25/10/2015 20:37

Can anyone help with this?

I've been online dating/been set up with friends for the last 6 months. I've been on lots of dates and only one so far hasn't contacted me again to ask to go out again...so I know I have no reason to lack confidence in this context. But I do.

I've just met someone wonderful, but I can't get it out of my head that he's much, much better looking than me and will therefore go off me or 'realise I'm not that attractive' on closer inspection.

I really like this person and I don't want to mess it up.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 16:03

He did grasp it. I think...

He started by saying he wasn't looking at young women specifically, just that he 'notices' people Hmm

When I gave him concrete examples all he could do was apologise profusely and explain it by saying he hadn't quite got his head around not being single anymore and that he was still in the habit of looking at 20somethings

He wanted chance to make it up to me. I declined and said I hoped he'd learnt something for next time.

Who knows.

F0xglove · 26/10/2015 16:03

Yes..... that's what they want

Are they seriously getting that though??? Because when I think about how very luke warm I am about dating men in their 50s, is that not how women in their mid 30s feel about dating men a decade older?

Or am I missing something? Are there enough women out there who'll happily date, sleep with, go out with men over a decade older than them? Confused

Is this the norm now? Shock

for women in their forties is it accept it or be single?

F0xglove · 26/10/2015 16:04

Interesting thisIsStillFolk

WavingNotDrowning · 26/10/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WavingNotDrowning · 26/10/2015 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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F0xglove · 26/10/2015 16:27

Yeh, they're never happy. Never value you.

I went out with a guy a while back and we really clicked. he was six years older than me. To me, that seem like he was older than me. Never heard from him again even though we got on very well.

I think I just need to try and find somebody before I totally gave up. Because if I hadn't made myself try, then when I am much older I@ll be berating myself for not having tried.

Ponytailandquiff · 26/10/2015 16:39

The men I know who are online dating are really struggling to meet anyone. They don't get anywhere near as many messages as the women and certainly don't have young women falling at their feet.

Op, even if this guy is good looking, he has chosen to be with you. It would be a shame if your insecurities affect your time with him.

I am far from perfect and I am sensitive about one feature of mine. When I am feeling insecure I think, well it has never stopped me doing anything in life and people will have to accept me as I am (and they do.)

F0xglove · 26/10/2015 16:44

I've messaged about 25 men roughly my age and in the age band of my age + up to 7 years. I've had about three replies. So I haven't much sympathy.

The passivity of it is wrecking my head too. Just waiting for somebody who can string a sentence together to message me.

I'm sending messages to (or rather, past tense, I've stopped bothering now) men whose profiles look good. Normal men.

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 16:45

OP, you know the old saying?
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
Every time you look in the mirror you might be looking at what he thinks is beautiful, even if you don't agree with him.

WavingNotDrowning · 26/10/2015 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 26/10/2015 17:16

i agree that you need to be passive to succeed

I don't think it's about being passive TO succeed - it's more that men are very visual - and plenty of people have "a type". Doesn't matter if you are Angelina Jolie, if a man only gets turned on by blondes he won't date you.

So the best thing you can do is be active on a site, make sure you come to the attention of a lot of men (by viewing a lot of profiles) and wait for the ones who are interested/find you attractive to email you.

If you are taking the initiative emailing men first, there will be a lot of rejection - that's fine if you can take it, but I can't see the point of it myself. It's a lot of effort in circumstances where men are socialised to believe they need to do the asking/make first contact.

A friend of mine got really upset when she found a guy online who was in her eyes her perfect man. His profile said everything he wanted was her and their interests (some a bit niche) matched up. She sent him a personally tailored email about how they had so much in common.

She got one line back saying basically:

"I hope you find your Mr Right but you are not for me."

It wasn't horrible or anything - just to the point. She was devastated and spent ages wondering if she was too fat/too ugly etc. I said to her - it doesn't matter, it's just about his physical type. If it's not you, it's not you.

She won't date any men with ginger hair so you'd think she'd have understood

Afterthestorm · 26/10/2015 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 18:33

I do t think there's any hard and fast rules about OD messaging. When I did it I had to message 10 ladies to get one reply, its just up to whomever you're messaging.

CheersMedea · 26/10/2015 18:36

but I think it disproves the passive chain of thought above

No it doesn't - because my point is about a man finding you attractive. Please read what I wrote.

If you email a man and they find you physically attractive, sure they will message you back and engage. If they don't you'll get rejected.

Given that men are so visually stimulated, it is a waste of time for women to keep making the first move.

Conversely, although women too may have a type, if they get a nice message from a guy who they don't immediately find attractive they are more likely to be "give him a chance/let's engage" than a man would be with a woman he didn't immediately find attractive.

As I said above:

If you are taking the initiative emailing men first, there will be a lot of rejection - that's fine if you can take it, but I can't see the point of it myself. It's a lot of effort in circumstances where men are socialised to believe they need to do the asking/make first contact

F0xglove · 26/10/2015 18:52

Seeyounearertime, and can I ask, are you another one, messaging women much younger than you? do you think that's why you get few replies? I'm not having a pop at you, honestly. It's just all frustrating,and baffling to hear that men aren't happy either!! That really is confusing. I thought it was just like a sweet shop for men.

F0xglove · 26/10/2015 18:56

Cheersmedea, if a man says something that proves he's read my profile, if he's not actually UNattractive, I'll reply. See what to make of him.

But it's soul destroying to keep messaging men who are quite ordinary looking, and to have them reject you. After 50 or 60 ordinary men roughly your own age (bit older) have rejected you................ well, that's happened to me. I'm ok surprsingly. Maybe I need to take a break. go back with a new photo. Trouble is, my photo will still be ME. And my looks are the problem I guess.

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 19:26

Seeyounearertime, and can I ask, are you another one, messaging women much younger than you?

Good God no. I'm only mid 30s now, when I did OD I was late 20s, even then I considered 18,19 -25 to be far too immature for the most part. I didn't want to get with someone who wants clubbing, drinking, dram etc. I was looking for older, 30+ and stable both mentally and personally. I me my now Exw there, we were together for about 5 years...... Till she cheated with a work mate who was 10 years younger....

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 19:30

And its not a sweet shop, quite the opposite actually. My wife told me that even without a picture she would get 10+ msgs a day from random "Anglers" as she called them. She'd ignore any that msgs with short, stock msgs but she read profiles of ones who'd obviously read hers.

It seems, and sort of proven by the Ashley Madison case, there are about 10 men for every 1 woman on OD. Don't know if its still the case though.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 19:40

I did contact men when I did OD. I wasn't offended if they didn't reply, them's the breaks after all.

I generally didn't respond to men who contacted me first because I assumed they were all just messaging loads of women.

Besides, not many men messaged me anyway. I showed my exh my profile when he was writing his and he said it would have caught his eye and was better than the majority of profiles he'd read. But men still weren't interested!!

HelenaDove · 26/10/2015 19:43

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 15:27:06
People are a whole packageeg their beliefs, how they treat other people, how you support people through the good & the bad times, laughter, tears, education, background, hobbies, children, health, kindness, employment, family & friends, star sign, age etc

And that's all true, but if you want a man who is worth having, you'd better also be 26 and a size 8-10!

Yet the same sort of men expect you to go on coffee and cake dates and share takeaways with them while remaining the same size And if you do stick to a healthy eating plan there are comments about "women nibbling on lettuce leaves"

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 19:58

Yes..... that's what theywant

Are they seriously getting that though??? Because when I think about how very luke warm I am about dating men in their 50s, is that not how women in their mid 30s feel about dating men a decade older?

That's where the 'settling' and having to accept they'll have to consider older (same age) women comes from, though.

I don't want someone who has been unsuccessfully pursuing younger women and who's finally thought "fuck it, I'll lower my expectations"

I want someone who thinks I'm awesome and who thinks their life is better for having me in it. Who can't believe their luck that they've found me. Not someone who thinks I'll have to do because they've realised the pretty young things they've been chasing aren't interested.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 20:04

Yet the same sort of men expect you to go on coffee and cake dates and share takeaways with them while remaining the same size And if you do stick to a healthy eating plan there are comments about "women nibbling on lettuce leaves"

Abso-fucking-lutely!

"I think you would probably look better if you lost 2or 3 kilos but I like eating food with you."

Is what I had from the same man who said, "you look beautiful when you smile. When you don't, not so much".

noclueses · 27/10/2015 01:31

God that man sounds like a complete twat, the more you write, Folk! completely tactless and self centred, as if HE looked perfect whether he smiled/laughed. I couldn't last months with someone like that, my insecurities would be actually subsumed by disrespect and dislike for him.

I wouldn't agree (from my experience) about men being obsessed by younger women unless the man wants DC. In which case, he has no choice really! I mean with women over 43, say. I find that a LOT of slightly younger men aer attracted to me, some a lot younger, obviously I wouldn;t see much younger ones as relationship material (again, them wanting kids etc) but If someone was late 30s and divorced with kids, I would.

Strangely I like older interesting men and often dated then throughout my life so maybe that makes me a but dismissive and more confident with younger ones - and that's what attracts them? I think you so believe (based on your experience with a few twats) that a man must want someone younger, that you project that vibe of cynicism or forthcoming 'defeat', it's all very subtle but people mostly react to the vibes.

Prince Charles had a star of young wife but chosen a weather-beaten older woman - yes I know it's not very appropriate example but just one that comes to mind. It's about connection. I don't believe for a minute he'd prefer someone else based on their youth! it's just nonsense!

Otoh I find it a bit closed minded that you would never want a man who is 5-7yrs older than you. That's not as close minded as a man wanting someone 15 yrs younger but it still is discrimniating against SOME individual men who are older yet genuinely attractive.

CheersMedea talks a lot of wisdom.

noclueses · 27/10/2015 01:32

should be 'smiled/laughed or were grumpy'

noclueses · 27/10/2015 01:37

and when I say 'connection' it's mental and sexual - your twattish man of 10 months obviously had mental/friend type connection with you but had some deep issues with his sexual preferences, and I think he's just not into monogamy. But there aer monogamous guys and then it depends who they are attracted to (all sorts of women, big or small or younger or older depending on the man).