Is there hope- can an abusive husband change?

[ShouldIstayorgonow]

I've NC'd for this and have never posted about my OH before but just don't know what to do for the best. My OH was kind when we met 25 years ago but looking back there were a few warning signs early on. We met at
uni and he did used to make the odd undermining comment about my abilities when I struggled with writing up my PhD but back then then I was confident and pretty opinionated on occasions.
The first violence was when I was around 5 months pregnant with DC1 a few years later. We argued at the bottom of the stairs, I grabbed his glasses from his face (no idea why) and he pushed me really hard and sent me flying backwards. He was really sorry and vowed it wouldn't happen again. At first we were "equal" in our jobs but when Dc2 came along we moved countries for a couple of years and I didn't have a work permit but enjoyed being at home with the DC.
Life was mainly good though I could be stubborn about my point of view sometimes and so he would occasionally (every 12-18 months) be violent. This was usually pushing me over and kicking me, grabbing me by the throat or pushing me down stairs.i had bruises but nothing more and told no one.

To everyone else we seemed like the perfect family and I convinced myself that the bad times were few and far between. We decided to try for DC3 (yes, stupid I know) but soon after I found a breast lump which had to be investigated then removed so we put that on hold for 3 months (all was fine). We then agreed to stop contraception and I fell pregnant straight away. He bought me flowers the day I told him but then became sulky over the next week and said he didn't want to delay having more independence by another 2 years (DC2 was 2 at the time). He wore me down over the next few weeks trying to get me to agrre to an abortion, I refused and cried a lot which annoyed him. He finally told me he had made an appointment for me to have a termination (the country we were in at the time allowed this to happen and would do the consent and abortion at the same time). He drove me to the clinic and I broke down in tears in the car park and refused to go in. His response was to get a vasectomy 2 weeks later and be uninterested in the rest of my pregnancy. He is now sorry and regrets his actions as far as Dc3 is concerned but has never seen how terribly he behaved towards me.

We returned to the UK near my parents and I worked part-time. OH got another job so we moved to the other end of the country a few years ago. He works away for a few days every week and i worked part-time until a couple of years ago when I was finding juggling everything (we live far from a town, or any family) too much. I would love to work again but don't think I'll get a good reference from my last company at the last few months I know I missed deadlines etc. as I was finding it hard. I've completely lost my confidence and know I need to get braver.
He still blocks my exit from rooms, pushes occasionally but hasn't been really violent to me for about 5 years. He interrupts everyone constantly, says our opinions are ridiculous and shuts down conversations when he feels like it. He can also be funny but is very unpredictable and often has underlying anger, glaring, slamming doors if anyone upsets him, which is several times over the weekend usually.

Sorry this is so long. I've come to the part which is very hard to write as I know I've failed my DC through my weakness. Once my eldest was 10 he upset OH about something and came running down to me. OH had hit him so hard his lip was bleeding. Since then he has hit Dc1 every 12-18 months, never with me around, usually upstairs. DC has now left for college and 2 weeks ago he started on DD1 instead. She had told him to go away when he went into her room to complain about something. He said it was self-defence but DC3 and I had to stop him going back in for more. He was white with rage and screamed and swore at us that it was nothing to do with us but then went outside. It seems he's transferred his violence from me to the DC.

Finally, too latei know, I told him to leave the house (he was due to travel with work a couple of days later anyway). He reluctantly went, saying we couldn't afford a hotel, that he needed me to collect some furniture we'd bought etc.
This was 2 weeks ago and since then I have told him to enrol in a domestic violence prgramme (but there's a 4 month waiting list) he's read the booklet on the respect website and has been saying how sorry he is etc. He says he's been crying himself to sleep etc but has been pushing and pushing to come back.
The Dc who suffered at his hands 2 weeks ago has swapped texts with him and wants to let him come back as he is trying to change.
We saw the GP together (I gave him an ultimatum) who was hopeless , only suggesting counselling and it was the Respect helpline who gave us details of a programme. Social services were informed but decided that they trust me to safeguard the DC , particularly as they are older.

I want to know whether someone like this can change?

He says he can see how bad his behaviour has been and wants to have an equal relationship with us all. He says "of course they would be safe with me back" but how can I trust him?
If he could be a decent kind man I would try again as the children have only 1 father and I would be worried how he would be with them if we split permanently. He's currently way for a third weel but I know he'll be pushing to come back next weekend.

Does anyone have any positive stories where men have turned things around successfully?

I know I deserve all the comments here but at the moment it feels like I am swimming against a tide by myself.
The letter from social services saying no further action would be taken (and one for OH which no doubt says exactly the same thing, so that will feed into his self-talk supporting a view that he didn't really do anything wrong).
The GP, to whom (in my presence) OH confessed to hitting DD, my Ds and me over a number of years at our appointment two weeks ago, phoned yesterday just to say he'd also got a letter saying the same thing. At no point did he ask how the children were, how I was, what was happening or anything else.
Even my Mum has not said I should never take him back, she asks what I think is best though she did say we shouldn't live in fear. This is bloody hard and lonely and it seems that MN is the only place which unequivocally says leave and never look back.
I think what he's done is terrible, but I am not sure anyone in RL sees it that way only Mumsnet agrees and OH has this week bought a car, been overseas with work and is now seeing DS for dinner and a film whilst I feel extremely alone, trying to make everything okay for the girls.

You need to contact women's aid and the police.

Ordinary people do not give the best support in this situation. You need specialist support with DV.

Plus SS are only taking no further action because he is out of the house and you are apart. They are not telling you it is no big deal.

MASH will have decided nfa only because you have removed him from the home.
I'm going to be harsh now. You have let your children down by exposing them to his violence. You have finally done what you should have done many years ago - don't doubt yourself.

I am horrified by your story and by the way you are trying to psychoanalyse
your disaster of a husband, and your poor children whose exams are not more important than their self esteem and their physical safety.
Are you really undecided about going to the police ?
When you do talk to the DV officer, you need to make it clear that your GP has issues of his own as well.

I'm sure there are courses . However finding them isn't your problem, it's his. Your job is to keep you and the children safe .

Please contact women's aid and get a lawyer . They might know someone who specialises in DV. MNers might know too, if you tell us the name of your nearest large town or city .

Women's aid are very busy and have lots of demand on their service .They will soon tell you if you are wasting their time because what's happened is no big deal . They are the experts on this . Please talk to them .

You need to know that many many abusers are charming men with good jobs, well respected in the community . That's how they get away with it for so long .

SS saying no action means they consider you are safeguarding your children right now but should that change expect them to reappear.. PP was right Womens aid will give you a different kind of support..It doesn't really matter what anyone else says on MN or real life. this is about your children..You need to report this to the police..I reported my ex to the police when he attacked me..I did it because I couldn't get out the house and he said he was going to smash the phones..With hinsight it is the best thing I could of done..Womens aid can also provide support to your children

I'm sorry that you are lacking RL support - that must be hard.

There are no private DVPPs but as others have said - not your problem. One of the things that abusers do is to make them the focus of your world. It's time for you to reclaim your own head space and focus on you and the children. You need to be thinking about help for you - not him. Please talk to your local dv service (you can usually find them listed on your local authority website).

The fact that SS aren't taking matters further is because their role is to safeguard the children, not to hold him accountable. Because you have thrown him out, they are assuming your children are now safe. If he moves back in, they will re-open the file.

Please carry on seeking support here but you need to find some in RL too.

Don't be ashamed of telling people what has happened. The more people you tell, the more likely it is that you'll find support. Please ensure his family know the truth, he's likely to gloss over it and make it your fault.

Start with WA and police DV unit. WA will help you talk it through, and get things clearer in your head. Then you'll find it easier to work out what to say to his family without exaggerating or minimising.

Your GP sounds absolutely useless. Is there another you can switch to?

He's not an "abusive husband", he's an abusive father.

He has been abusing your children for years.

If you go back to him you need to find them somewhere else that is safe for them to live. They have never had that. Ever.

The thing with social services is that they will leave you alone if they think you are protecting your kids. Which if you have chucked him out, you are.

Their job is to ensure kids are protected, they don't get involved in the guilt of the perpetrator.

In short the fact that as have dropped the case does NOT mean this isn't bad, or that you imagined it.

And there are loads of threads on here from women in the midst of divorce proceedings who badly wished they had logged dv incidents with the police at the time. It opens the door to services like legal aid, and also means that you can prevent unsupervised access to the kids. I think you may well end up really regretting not reporting it

Well done for s far though.

Sadly children's services don't have the resources to keep an eye on situations like this and have to trust the protective parent to safeguard. Please don't waver.

I agree you need a better GP at best he's jaded at worst an apologist.

What were social services actually told? I've been concerned from the beginning of this thread they've not been told the whole truth.

Definitely contact women's aid or similar. As for your rl experiences either you're in contact with people who don't understand the seriousness of dv and child abuse or they're not being told the truth.

Does your mother think what your children got was like a 'spanking' or did you tell her he made your child bleed? That it takes little to set him off? That you're all treading on eggshells?

Please listen to what we're all telling you.
never take him back.
he'll never change.

I have been reading this with my mouth open in horror shouting NO, NO, NO, NO.

Your h is one of the worst men I have ever read about. What would you do if a random on the street hit your dc like your h has?? You'd be horrified and go to the police ASAP.

Why the holy fuck haven't you done this with your h? You have LET DOWN your children, and you continue to do so every day you don't contact the police.

Ring them now, detail all the abuse over the years, and also contact Women's Aid.

I am horrified. Your poor dc. They have grown up thinking this is how normal relationships work... You need to make it right.

And NO, your h will not change. He will always be violent to you and your dc. He's only pretending to be sorry now because you've finally made a stand.

I reported OH's violence to the police soon after my last post, they sent someone to the house and were very understanding. OH has found another domestic violence programme with a space and starts next week.

But my main reason for posting tonight I suppose is to vent about my MIL's reaction to the news that her son has hit all of us except the youngest. I didn't expect her to immediately condemn her son but her reaction was shocking. Her response was that I should have dealt with the children and made sure everything was lovely for OH as he works hard and as far as his hitting me was concerned, her view is that it takes two to work at a marriage and she would pray for us.

Every time OH gets another message that it's not that big a deal (like the social services letter saying no action will be taken, now this) my own doubts creep in. I suppose she is in her seventies, but was that generation really so accepting of violence, even though I've never been close to MIL I thought another woman would stand up against violence. Was it really acceptable then? I did ask OH if he was hit as a child some time ago, but he claims not to really remember anything about his childhood.

He won't change. Run and never look back.

Your MiL was almost certainly hit by her H. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Your not putting up with the behaviour makes her examine her own failure as a parent.

It's good you've reported it all to the Police.

Forget the MIL. She'll have her own demons.

Just read your whole thread Op. I am so relieved that you have reported your Wanker of a husband. Don't doubt yourself, keep posting here for support. Keep running.

SS aren't going to take any action because they believe you can keep the children safe, finally. But you had social services involved and it can happen again.

If it helps, write down every incident you can remember. You've got quite a lot written down on this thread. Write them down with times, dates, an objective account. REad them to remind yourself what happened. Include the times when he didn't actually hit you but verbally abused you.

Your MIL sounds like a violent abuser herself from what you have written upthread. I believe most abusers have been abused so that fits right in. Of course she will tell you the same messages as her son, why would she not! She has not changed or ever had to confront her behaviour. AnnieKelley speaks great sense - perhaps he can change, it's not impossible but a) it's not your responsibility and b) it's most likely to happen if you are apart.

Would you feel more able to move on if your partner had hit you every day for twenty days, and then your children every day for ten days? Would that be 'OK'? I really hope not. But that is your life. With the added joy of waiting for that explosion to come for a year at a time, and controlling your own behaviour to avoid it. God.

Jesus, woman, how much time are you going to spend psychoanalysing why your husband abused you and the children for 20 years.

How about directing that psychoanalytical energy at why you tolerated his behaviour.

Instead of wondering about courses he could go on, how about you look at courses you could go on? You are clearly very very fucked up in the head.

Even better, maybe you could direct some energy at psychoanalysing why your eldest would ever be in a room with him now. They were planning dinner together? All nicey nicey after years of being beaten up. WTAF! What have you done to your son's mind?

Maybe you should be looking at courses your DD could go on to help her get over being a victim of abuse. A victim of abuse in her own home, where her mother didn't really want to report it to the police, where her own mother let her abuser text her in the days afterwards. I think she might maybe need some help to get over that.

Or you could just think about him him him him him.

It's awful and disorientating when people around you imply everything's fine, or that you're making too much of it, or whatever else you've been told.

Everything's not fine. He is a controlling, aggressive and entitled man, and that will never change.

As to your MIL, no generation has ever been accepting of violence. In the past, people simply lacked options: the authorities were uninterested. So people put up with it - or tried to make some warped sense of it - having no other choice. I wouldn't take her view as any useful guide.