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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's time to go, isn't it?

59 replies

Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 09:28

New account because I can't NC for the life of me.

Background: 'D'P and I have DD, 11 months. Unplanned baby at a 'bad time' ( last year of uni for him, mid dissertation). When DD was 10 days old, he kissed someone else. I found out, but we worked through it as I put it down to the stress of a new baby-big changes in life. A few months later, I found out he'd been using chat sites to talk to other women and even paid for them. Again, I brushed over it because it was easier than accepting he's a pig and dealing with a split. I come from a single parent family and have never wanted that for DD. Since then, everything's been fine. Not perfect, but I assumed this is just what life after a baby is like.

So, last night he went out for a colleagues birthday. Comes back at 1am and was very drunk so I put up the sofa bed. His phone was in the room and I don't know why but I looked at it. Turns out he's been looking at local hook up sites and KIK(?) local sites too.

I need to end this, don't i? For DD's sake and for mine too. I'm scared, it means everything changes. We're meant to be moving back in with my parents in December for two years so he can do his masters and give us a chance to save for a deposit on a house. I haven't told him I know yet, I don't know how to or what to say. Our tenancy runs out in December, and I've just sent out family invites to DD's first birthday party.

I'm not angry or sad or surprised, really. Which says everything, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Imgivinguponyou · 25/10/2015 09:31

Awful behaviour. You sound resigned to it.

Let him support himself through his masters. Can you go back to live with your parents on your own?

PurpleWithRed · 25/10/2015 09:34

It sounds as though you were only together for DD and without her the relationship might not have lasted. If he's interested in other women then I'd imagine it's just a matter of time before the inevitable happens - and to be honest it could be either of you who meet someone you really love. Do it amicably now, he will always be DDs father so you'll always have to have a relationship with him, so don't wait until it gets really ugly.

magoria · 25/10/2015 09:36

Yeah it's time.

So sorry for you. At least you have your parents to fall back on until you get sorted.

Take between now and Christmas to see if you can sort yourself and DC without that as it is easier to sort money , housing etc if you don't have an alternative and prevents friction that may arise from living with them.

I suppose you are not going to get much financial support from him if he is studying. Can he help with being childcare outside his studies while you work to keep costs down?

magoria · 25/10/2015 09:37

Oh please consider an STI test too. Just to be sure.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 09:38

The issue is is that he's not from down here. His home town is 3 hours away and I'm almost sure he would move back there and in with his parents - I'm not okay with DD going to stay so far away from me yet. It's taken him a long time to adjust to being a parent and I don't trust him completely with her.

I've said to him before did he think we'd be together without her, and he said he didn't know and neither do I. I don't know if we would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 09:40

I don't really have a leg to stand on money wise. I work 38 hours in 3 days ( 2 9 hour shifts and one 18 hour shift) so have 4 off but reply on him doing the Friday for Childcare - my parents do the Wednesday night and Thursday day. I know I'd be welcome at my parents with DD for as long as I needed. His masters is NHS placement based so he will earn a wage from it and 80% of Childcare costs are covered, I think.

OP posts:
magoria · 25/10/2015 10:00

You sound very sensible and pragmatic. I think you will do great.

It is good about the childcare.

If he chose to move 3 hours away then he will become a very part time dad and in reality it will all be on you.

Do you have the option for more child friendly hours? I don't know what alternatives there are for childcare as DS is a large smelly teen and it is not needed.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 10:07

Thank you, I don't feel very sensible right now, I feel like a total idiot for not leaving before. He knew that if anything like this happened again, I'd be gone and I know I have to stick to my word.

Childcare is expensive down here - my take home is around £950 after tax and it'd take up £400 of that a month if I were to use solely that. I could ask to switch to 4 evenings a week maybe, from 4pm-midnight which could work better.

I'm not scared of doing it alone, I do 90% of it myself anyway and have done from the start. It's more the humiliation of the situation, having to tell people, uprooting DD.

OP posts:
PrincessHairyMclary · 25/10/2015 10:22

Yes, your take home may well be that right now but as a single parent you would be eligible for Child and Working Tax Credit and even with the forth coming cuts you would receive approx £320 a month in those and 70% of child care paid for.

Living with your parents you will be far better off even if you are contributing to household bills as you won't be paying them all separately.

If your ex decides to move 3 hours away that's upto him, it's unlikely any judge is going to agree to him taking such a small baby away for a long period of time and in my case it was agreed that my DD would only start (single) overnights after she turned 3years old. By all means encourage regular contact but don't be bullied into something which won't necessary be good for her.

Be aware when/if you do split he's likely to get nasty and say all sorts of things to you, it's much the same as the cheaters script, head over to the Lone Parents bit if you need support.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 10:27

Thank you princess, I'll wander over to the GOV website and take a look.

I don't want to ruin their relationship in any way - my own DF left when I was 6 months and I didn't see him again until I was 4, I don't want that for her at all. He may be an awful partner but I'd never call him a bad father; the two are separate to me. If he chooses to move, he is welcome to come down and see her or we can meet half way. Is if normal to worry he wouldn't bring her back?

Thanks for the tip off re his reaction. He's much more the 'woe is me' type and the waterworks will come on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 10:36

Is it shit of me to wait til tomorrow when he's at work and leave him a letter?

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 25/10/2015 10:39

Yes it IS time to leave. He will just continue to cheat.

magoria · 25/10/2015 10:41

Normally I think you should do it face to face.

Given that he is sleazing around on hook up sites I think a letter is fine.

Don't be humiliated you tried your best. It just wasn't to be.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 10:50

There is not excuse for this, is there? The doubt is beginning to creep in a little.

OP posts:
magoria · 25/10/2015 10:53

No excuse. You have the guts to end it. He doesn't.

Staying will make you both miserable in the end.

The doubts are because change is bloody scary and it seems better the devil you know.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 10:56

In need of a lot of hand holding, thank you for your replies Magoria.

It's the whole saying it to someone I know in real life make it, well, real, doesn't it? The minute I call my mum and explain, it's officially happening and there's no going back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 11:08

Thinking practically, can I legitimately take the week off work for this while I get my head sorted?

OP posts:
magoria · 25/10/2015 11:08

I don't see why not.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/10/2015 11:34

He's been on local hook-up sites. Unless he's an expert at compartmentalising (and he could be) this means he checked out of your relationship some time ago. Time for you to check out as well. And get an STI check, too.

I see no reason why you shouldn't be completely candid about why you're ending this now. With him and other people as well. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt and taking responsibility for your relationship ending is all his.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 12:10

I just feel like an idiot for thinking it would be different. Come to think of it, I haven't been angry or upset about any of this - I think I was too focused on being a new mum. I'll be getting and STI test tomorrow.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 25/10/2015 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 12:17

I've just remembered we have a couples break booked, fuck.

This is terrifying. I'm meeting a friend later for coffee to tell her about this all. That's a good step, right?

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 25/10/2015 12:24

Yes, I think it's a very good idea to RL support, to talk about your feelings and your plans.

Original poster
Formerdoormat · 25/10/2015 12:29

I don't have a plan. At the moment, the sadness has hit and I'm snuggling DD while he sleeps off his hangover.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/10/2015 12:30

Time to end it now. Don't be one of those women that know their partner is fucking around but stay anyway, that is no example to your daughter.

The humiliation is his, not yours. Pathetic manchild looking for attention when all he needs is right under his nose.

Move into your parents with dd and let him make his own arrangements, you have to be done with this now.