It's time to go, isn't it?

[Formerdoormat]

New account because I can't NC for the life of me.

Background: 'D'P and I have DD, 11 months. Unplanned baby at a 'bad time' ( last year of uni for him, mid dissertation). When DD was 10 days old, he kissed someone else. I found out, but we worked through it as I put it down to the stress of a new baby-big changes in life. A few months later, I found out he'd been using chat sites to talk to other women and even paid for them. Again, I brushed over it because it was easier than accepting he's a pig and dealing with a split. I come from a single parent family and have never wanted that for DD. Since then, everything's been fine. Not perfect, but I assumed this is just what life after a baby is like.

So, last night he went out for a colleagues birthday. Comes back at 1am and was very drunk so I put up the sofa bed. His phone was in the room and I don't know why but I looked at it. Turns out he's been looking at local hook up sites and KIK(?) local sites too.

I need to end this, don't i? For DD's sake and for mine too. I'm scared, it means everything changes. We're meant to be moving back in with my parents in December for two years so he can do his masters and give us a chance to save for a deposit on a house. I haven't told him I know yet, I don't know how to or what to say. Our tenancy runs out in December, and I've just sent out family invites to DD's first birthday party.

I'm not angry or sad or surprised, really. Which says everything, doesn't it?

He's right about

that

Ah! He's gone the passive aggressive route

Don't get taken in. Don't soften. He has more than made it plain where he's at.

Good that he feels remorse. But it doesn't change anything.

You'll be fine - after the sadness

I don't see remorse these. Just self pity.

Ok, now your out of the situation you need to start putting together a plan to stop yourself getting sucked back in.

1. Do not get into any discussions that don't centre directly around your DDs contact arrangements. (Or in the immediate, getting the rest of your belongings)

2. Draw up a weekly/ monthly contact schedule that you are happy with and email it to him so he can amend it if necessary and make sure it is something you can stick to - although this will take some trial and error. Get everything in writing so that there is no misunderstandings and show that you are dedicated to continuing his relationship with his child just not with you. Short but frequent visits are best for children under 2 (2 or 3 times a week for a few hours is better than 1 whole day a fortnight). If she's ill and needs to stay at home, offer to trade a day - it saves arguments. You could also choose a specific time and use skype/FaceTime, perhaps he could read her a story before bed etc.

3. Do not bring him into 'your' space and avoid going back to your home as it will stir up feelings and in moments of loneliness you'll be thinking he wasn't so bad after all. If you need to see each other try and meet somewhere neutral.

4. Get a new phone number, keep your current one for him to message you on that way you can turn it off/ignore it if/when the persistent texts and calls start.

5. Be aware DDs behaviour is likely to be up and down, try and be extra understanding and give lots of hugs. My DD found transition from one to the other quite tricky so I set up a routine of having an activity set up for when she got home (painting/playdoh) which helped. She may not sleep well after contacts.

6. It gets better! I love being on my own, I get to parent how I want, eat what I want, watch what I want. Don't have to wait for anyone to get home or get a day off work to eat dinner, or go to the zoo etc. Now DDs 6 we can travel a lot easier, we've been to Latitude, DisneyLand and a week in London. Just because you are on your own isn't the end of the World and having grandparents close is lovely.

It's been a week now since he left. I saw him Thursday and there were lots of tears. Friday was the day we did the talking and sorted out the logistics of things.

He's having her tonight for the first time; she's just left and I can't stop crying.

If she's going overnight do something practical, clean up, iron whatever to take your mind of it and then stick a film on with your choice of snack, snuggle down for a couple of hours before bed or go to the cinema for an evening showing. It gets easier I was a ball of nerves the first time my DD went overnight but she's off half way across the country at the end of the week for a family wedding (his) and it'll be strange but I'm nowhere near as worried.

I'm doing a tidy up then having a bath ( a rarity) then going out with some friends for dinner which should keep my head busy. I'm sure it'll be okay, it was just being the one who said bye to her and closing the door without her in my arms.