Give me some feasible reasons before I start overthinking

[slightlyinsane]

I'm after some feasible reasons why my husband deletes some of his messages. I'm not a phone checker before we get started. A couple of weeks ago I got a look at my husbands iPad, I took (wrestled) it off the kids and in the process it ended up on the screen that shows you your page history and I noticed a message from a female work colleague, I didn't go into it to read it can't even remember what it said. Just thought it was odd that it seemed an overly friendly reply from her.
Fast forward to today and again I removed said iPad from kids clutches and noticed he'd deleted the message. I can't think why he would do that, he wasn't having a clear out as he's got alsorts of irrelevant rubbish still on there going back months.
Can you give me sensible reasons why he'd do that????
Just for info he's overly protective of his phone and iPad, usually keeps them on him or tucked away, I don't know his passwords, (it would appear one of the kids do though )

Maybe he thought it would look bad if it was read out of context. I've deleted stuff for that very reason before.

I always say in these situations, that if you can't use/see his phone, you're in trouble. If I was you, the next time you go out together, I would "forget" your own mobile and then ask to borrow his. Plenty of reasons you could use. "Your Mum called earlier sounding stressed on voicemail and you didn't have time to call her back" bla bla. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he hands it to you willingly and tells you the code, I'd say all is well. If he won't hand it over, I smell trouble. If you can check his phone records via the Ipad, can't you check call logs and see if this womans number pops up a lot. Or how about looking at the phone bill? Get the passcode off the kids, so you can check Ipad when they're at school/in bed.

OP, ILive has it right.

I do find it odd that you don't know your H's passwords. I've never looked at my H's phone but I know his pw. The secretiveness is a worry. I would try to have a look.

I've talked the child out of a password. Just need to figure out how to clear the recents from an iPad so he doesn't know I've been looking. I can't figure it out

Why do you care if he knows you've looked? In fact, his reaction ifnhe realises would tell you a lot.
Have to say though that imo every person, married, single, whatever, has a right to privacy. I would hate my ohnnot writing me and snooping through my tablet and computer etc.
It's a winding road of mistrust and once you're on it you will crash eventually.

*writing should be "OH not trusting me" amn auto correct.

OP, to clear recents on iPad: double click the home button and swipe up off the screen the recent pages that open up. They are then gone and no-one will see that you have opened them, but be careful not to erase any that were not down to you.

Tbh in the absence of other abusive gaslighting behaviour from him I would be asking him directly not us. I think it is questionable behaviour and I would be looking for the actual reasons for it rather than worrying about ones thrown up here. This might be a good place to work through and analyse his responses rather than anticipating them Iyswim.

Fredmayor your better than Google, thanks I've cleaned my phone up.
Another what's gaslighting??

Gaslighting

Thanks for that another, not something I've heard of before.
I've been undecided what to do about it as the more I've thought about it the more I realise just how over protective he is of his phone/iPad. It's become the norm for him to spend hrs at a time on them. Some evenings we barely say 2 words to each other once I've got the kids in bed.

I'll think I'll give it a couple of days and see how I feel when I'm not cleaning up stupid amounts of sick. Thanks for the replies

I would never let a partner share my phone, and I'd probably end a relationship rather than agree to it.
My friends tell me private things. I tell them private things.

I think you could start by addressing the fact he's withdrawing by spending so much time on it instead of with you. See how he reacts to that, a suggestion of tech free time.

I'm really chatty with several male colleagues that I've known for years. No issues at all.

That said, I'd check his phone if I was suspicious. I've been burnt.

I agree, his disengagement isn't good. Screens can do that to us. Are there other aspects of his behaviour that have changed? I would want to know what was keeping him so occupied online. I think it's better to address it than ignore it.

I've no comment other than;

He lets the DC use his Ipad and one of them knows the password, he can't be hiding much on there if he allows the children to use it.

If your worried talk to him, that's what normal couples do isn't it?

Thanks for the replies, I'd missed a couple with vomiting childs.
I'd decided to leave it and respect his privacy as i wouldn't like someone snooping on my phone etc.
It's been a tough few weeks with the kids and me pissed off with a serious lack of help with them and everything.
Randomly yesterday he was in a really cheerful mood enough that I commented on it, considering recent grumpiness, and I got a lie in today (again unusual). As he got up he looked for his iPad and I told him he'd left it within reach of the kids so I'd moved it. Something niggled at me and once he'd gone out I checked and sure enough he's changed the password, I can only assume it was because I'd moved it.
I'm now doing myself no favours in imagining alsorts

I don't agree you should have access to your partners passwords, that in itself signifies a lack of trust I would say.

But, his secrecy over his gadgets is a worry, yes, I'd say he is clearly hiding something.

I think you should ask him for the password/s. This will achieve two things; if OH gives it and its still current you can check it straight away before he has a chance to delete anything which will hopefully allay your suspicions; a refusal tells you have a problem. Phone privacy with a partner is silly in my view in this day and age.

jan45 I would say the opposite, it shows massive distrust if your own wife doesn't know your password. It shows that you are not open and honest in your marriage and keeping secrets. Real trust is knowing the pw but not looking.

I asked DH what he thought about this. He thinks it seems a bit iffy. I was interested in his thoughts as he always uses very strong passwords and keeps them secret, and spends endless hours on his phone. He is reading the news, and about technology, and uses strong passwords because he works in tech, so it's normal in our house. I don't see over-friendly messages come and go though, that's the bit he found dubious. He then got a bit worried and unlocked his phone and handed it to me in case I had made this up as a way to ask him incredibly subtly if he was cheating on me.

Personally I would never delete a message unless as you say I was doing a clear out or it was something dodgy and I was cheating in some way. The only other possible circumstance I can think of is if I knew my partner was checking my stuff and I wanted to delete anything that may even LOOK dodgy because I didn't want the hassle (someone who texts with a stupid amount of x's or something). But even then, I don't think I really would.

Is there any form here?

Also though, if one of the kids knows the password, that may be why he's changed it? So as not to download games or something?

Irritable thanks for your dh's views on this.
Blood from what I can gather the child has always known what the password was and doesn't (very rarely cheeky enough) to chance playing on it without asking him first.
I really can only assume it was changed because I touched the bloody thing.

Ask him for the passcode.

When the children kept messing with my DH's iPad he put a passcode on. He told me what it was, to make the point he had nothing to hide. No trauma, no argument, no concerns, just hey rabbit, had to put a code on, it's 1234.

I never actually look at his iPad but that's not the point.

If you ask directly and he would rather cut off his fingers than tell you, well, you know where you stand. "Why is this such a big problem for you?".