Give me some feasible reasons before I start overthinking

[slightlyinsane]

I'm after some feasible reasons why my husband deletes some of his messages. I'm not a phone checker before we get started. A couple of weeks ago I got a look at my husbands iPad, I took (wrestled) it off the kids and in the process it ended up on the screen that shows you your page history and I noticed a message from a female work colleague, I didn't go into it to read it can't even remember what it said. Just thought it was odd that it seemed an overly friendly reply from her.
Fast forward to today and again I removed said iPad from kids clutches and noticed he'd deleted the message. I can't think why he would do that, he wasn't having a clear out as he's got alsorts of irrelevant rubbish still on there going back months.
Can you give me sensible reasons why he'd do that????
Just for info he's overly protective of his phone and iPad, usually keeps them on him or tucked away, I don't know his passwords, (it would appear one of the kids do though )

jan45 I would say the opposite, it shows massive distrust if your own wife doesn't know your password. It shows that you are not open and honest in your marriage and keeping secrets. Real trust is knowing the pw but not looking.

Let's agree to disagree then, if you trust your partner why on earth do you need to know his passwords.

I'm in the no secrets camp - the only reason for secret passwords is to hide something.

Or to stop someone accessing your phone if stolen.....

I have passwords in case my phone is lost or stolen, not because I am hiding anything from my partner.

It started out with the unusual over friendly text I caught a glimpse of that then suddenly disappeared. The fact I don't know his passwords added to the mix later on and the fact he's changed it makes me suspicious. He is attached to his phone and no one gets a look in with that. Something just doesn't feel right and I don't know why

I would say the only factors are these - unusually friendly message that you noticed that got deleted. Stressful family life lately. He ignores you in favour of technical devices. Unusual good moods that come from nowhere from your point of view.

It sounds to me like there's enough here to warrant having a conversation with him, maybe? There's nothing wrong with anything you've done or experienced and I think it's unlikely you're going to obtain any more information with everything on lockdown like this, so why not sit down and say exactly all these thing, non-aggressively, and say this is exactly what it's like when someone is seeing someone else or engaging in a flirtation with them and you really hope h'e kind and mature enough to talk about that with you now because it's causing you distress.

What sort of response do you think you would get?

Also by the way I have passcode on my phone and ipad because of the in case of being stolen factor and my partner doesn't know them. I think he'd feel a bit embarrassed to ask, though I wouldn't mind him looking. Having said that if he went through my internet history or something I'd probably feel a bit violated or embarrassed! Not out of guilt necessarily just one can be quite vulnerable when you think no one's looking!

You do know why!!
Trust your gut - this is not right and you know it.

My wife and I don't know each others pass codes, we have never had any reason to want access to each others devices and we trust each other.

Feeble reason: deleting the message was accidental. Secrecy over the iPad is because he's working on a surprise getaway for you.

Sadly, my head says different. I realised my ex had been doing this. Asked him about it and all passwords to everything changed, he began gaslighting me, even pushed me into having the deleted woman round for dinner to show me how mad I was. They were shagging, obviously. I found out well over a year later.

Consequently, I wouldn't ask. I'd snoop.

He won't take kindly to me saying anything to him, there would be no discussion. Even though it happened by chance he would just see the point of view that I'd been snooping. If I didn't mention the message he'd be asking why I feel the need to know now after months of him having it and never being bothered before (good point I'd be suspicious of that too).
No doubt I'll end up internalising everything and saying nothing because that's the type of person I've become.

I don't always recommend asking, but in this case I'm not sure snooping is much of an option. I'd be interested in knowing more about the relationship. There are certain men who their partners know would lie, whatever, and this makes it a waste of time. That's why I ask the OP what she suspects his response would be and I wonder what his history is. There's more context needed here for real advice I think.

Exactly MrRobot but if your wife asked to borrow it as hers was dead and she needed your passcode would you be reluctant to give it to her?
Doubt it as you have nothing to hide.

OP, I would ask to borrow the phone off the cuff over the weekend and ask for his passcode.
His response will tell you all you need to know!

slightly, you say in your own post what you know to be true. This isn't an okay situation. you've become someone you dislike. This prediction of his response and your hopeless self-loathing about it is more troubling than the original post. This is bigger than a deleted message, even if it is an infidelity. People can't be in a relationship and treat each other like this and feel this way about themselves. Or it's not a marriage, it's a covert war.

'he won't take kindly' , 'there would be no discussion'. This is describing parenting from a 1950s discipline book. This isn't a healthy, functioning relationship. There's suspicion of each other's motivation and anger at other's vulnerability. Is there pain or anger in the past?

Jan45 I know my H's pws cause he has games on his phone and iPad that the kids play. He is very concerned about security and for everything else he uses an app that randomly generates a new 16 digit pw every time he needs to login to a site. He knows mine too, cause if I don't have my glasses, I need him to read my texts. I just find the debate about pws and privacy interesting.

It is not the fact he has a password that is worrying, it's the hiding of the mobile, the hours in the evening on it, the changing the password immediately on you saying you touched the iPad.

I think all this is very suspicious behaviour, sorry. Do you have a friend or family member you could confide in? You see very worried that even if you say something, you won't be heard. Perhaps post in relationships, although to be honest, you may not be ready to hear what some people will say, as this is for sure at least suspicious behaviour.

Having a password isn't suspicious, behaving suspiciously with your phone/iPad is suspicious.

OP it doesn't look good and I think you know it... I think you should just straight out:

"something is bothering me, and I would like to have a look at your iPad and phone please"

If he says no and wont give it to you immediately, (he can take it away, delete and you'll never know) you have your answer - he shouldn't hide anything from you, especially if there is nothing to see and his behaviour is making you on edge... He needs to put your mind at rest - then you can move forward.

If he eventually agrees to let you see it after potentially deleting any evidence, you tell him that all passwords should be known by both of you.

Good luck op, I hope it's not as bad as it sounds.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have to say that being very overprotective of your phone is never a good thing. As a teenager I was GLUED to my phone as most are! But the minute I started working, moved in with my boyfriend, growing up basically I leave it around all the time because I'm just no longer texting people 24/7. I honestly think talking to him would just lead to him fobbing you off with ridiculous excuses, you know in your gut if something just doesn't seem right to you. I would keep an eye out, and don't let him know you know!

I also agree with middlethird, I think that will give you your answer. Although he seems to be one step ahead of you in deleting the messages even when you don't know the passwords..

Something's not right is it?
You sound dreadfully unhappy, "the person I've become"
MN is here to help you.

Passwords - not a problem. Secret ones your partner does not know - that is a problem.

No doubt I'll end up internalising everything and saying nothing because that's the type of person I've become.

Can you elaborate? that doesn't sound healthy.

I'm at the point where there's no use in trying to say anything to him. I don't bother going through the whole routine anymore when I know what the outcome will be. Nothing would get resolved, never does. Unless I find something there's just no point.

slightly, you sound very worn down and sad. It feels like maybe that's a place to start, rather than the text details etc. Has communication broken down generally? Dow do you feel about your husband?