If I criticise DH he sulks for days

[TabbyT]

I am at the end of my tether with DH. Whenever I am upset with him for any reason or show any emotion that is not totally positive he turns the whole thing round so that he is angry with me and ends up sulking.

For example today is DDs birthday. Her friends have come over this afternoon for a tea party and sleepover. This morning I was a running round like a mad thing trying to get the house clean and tidy. DH was in his study working/on the computer. This is typical. He does barely any housework and however much I ask nothing changes.

Anyway I asked if he could help me and he said he didn't mind helping if I told him what to do. So I suggested some things he might do and he did start doing them but was obviously pissed off and now he has spent the rest of the day sulking and barely talking to me.

I am having a very hard time at the moment as I have recently gone NC with my narc mother and enabling father. I feel quite vulnerable and alone. I can see that growing up with such difficult parents meant that I chose quite a difficult husband too but I don't know what to do to change things for the better. I am so sick of his sulking and his withdrawing. He never apologises for anything. He thinks everything is my fault. It really upsets me that I even need to ask him to do some of the tidying up, and that when I am stressed instead of comforting me he just gets angry.

Jan45 - I think this new awakening is going to mean things have to change. I can't let things continue like this.

LucySnow12 - yes he had a difficult childhood. Parents divorced when he was young and then barely saw his father. His mother very passive aggressive so I was interested that Triliteral's DH had a similar mother. Maybe it is a common combination?

Hesterton - you are right that there will never be a good time. A part of me has always thought that if things did not improve I would leave when DD2 goes to uni because then it will be just me and DD3 and she will be in senior school by then. That's nearly 5 years away though. Definitely won't go anywhere before DD1 does GCSEs but may use that time to consider logistics, save some money etc

Thanks again for all your responses. You have really helped me realise that this is not a normal response that I get. Tough sometimes speaking to friends has also made me realise this - I remember a friend saying she had got cross with her DH about a broken door. Next morning when she woke up he was fixing the door. If I complained about something DH would go crazy. It's not proportionate at all.

Was dreading coming home but he was ok at supper - he cooked (I should say he does do his fair share of cooking) but the DC were there. Don't know what he will be like later.

Well, he's training you isn't he. Punishing you. You challenge him and he'll go to great lengths to make you pay, driving the message home.

So he had a crap childhood. Big deal. So did you and you don't behave like this. You don't punish and torture and blame, refusing to take any responsibility. His behaviour has zero to do with his childhood.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Please do. You'll recognise a lot there.

WELL DONE with all the work you've done, the therapy, the dumping your toxic parents

Thanks Springydaffs. What is the Freedom Programme? Have you done it? Did it help you?

freedom programme

It's wonderful! Click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Confidential, nurturing, sensitive. Difficult sometimes, no question, but nothing like as difficult as living with someone who is controlling you. Generally very liberating tho. You'll also meet ordinary woman facing the same stuff.

Thanks. Have had a look at the website. To be honest I'm feeling a bit bewildered. I had not really thought of his behaviour as DV as he has never hit me or the DC (and I certainly would have left if he had). I remember in counselling though discussing why I was so scared of his moods and we worked out that it was because my dad hit me when I was a child and on some level I expected DH to do the same.

I had however wondered whether his behaviour might be abusive but wasn't really sure as he always seemed to have so many faults to pick with my behaviour. The thing is I can't get away with the slightest slip - if I snap or lose my temper (and when I do I always apologise immediately) but I know it is too late and I think oh no - he's going to get really angry now and then sulk for days. It's no way to live it it? Will look into Freedom Programme. Not sure how I would explain to him that I was going to attend it though.

Don't tell him! Or do you have to account for every moment of your time...

DV doesn't have to be physical. Now enshrined in law, than goodness, at last.

It's a shock to realise but a huge relief at the same time. Bitter sweet.

You can do the FP online. And you will learn that domestic abuse is not only physical.

OMG it sounds like he sees you as a representation of his mother and is having his revenge!! Plus does he think she forced his DF to leave - so twice over he is having revenge - feels hard done to as in his subconscious you are treating him like (he believes) his DM treated his DF.

He is one screwed up individual, v sad as unless he has counseling and sorts himself nothing will change.

I probably sound mad but in my own family have seen how history repeats itself.

FP (much) better in person. But info important of course. Just easier to dismiss it when read on a screen.

Springydaffs - Well no I don't have to account for every minute of my time but I'm usually at work during the day so if I was going out one evening a week it would be strange not to explain where I was going. I do have one day a week off though (work 4 days) so that might work, otherwise online would be ideal. It is a shock. It's like the situation with my parents. They did something truly awful in the summer, something even a small child could understand was wrong and something in me snapped - it was the last straw and it felt like the scales fell from my eyes. But I have realised it is not just them, it is him too. I learned in childhood to allow people to treat me very badly. Well it is not happening any more.

Scooby - maybe. He gets on well with his mum, and less so with his dad, who he agrees is monstrously selfish. However I think he on some level expects women to be "weak" like his mum - she is very frugal, always puts herself down and clearly let his dad treat her appallingly. He did have counselling in the past individually at one stage. And we had couples counselling around 10 years ago which was useful at the time. We tried to go to counselling again last year but he just wanted to use it as an excuse to slag me off and I just thought I could not face carrying on (did not think much of the counsellor either) so we stopped. I actually thought it could be quite dangerous with the wrong person in that he would feel justified that his behaviour was ok.

You are correct that joint counselling is a bad idea

30 signs of emotional abuse

He certainly sounds emotionally abusive - have a read of Lundy Bancroft. "Water torturer" perhaps.

Some weird posts earlier. Is it a thing now that 40+ men who are arseholes can be given a pass for being "old fashioned" whether they were born in 1930, 1970 or 1990?

He's NOT a good father! Good fathers don't treat their partners like this, or sulk and withdraw for days - which affects the whole family. Casting a shadow on things. They do a fair share of domestic work. And actively plan and help with DCs' activities like parties - including saying hi to other parents, not skulking like an awkward teen.

Don't give him credit for doing a tiny bit of washing up! Does no laundry - wtf! Why are you still doing his laundry? Stop that immediately for a start!

You must run yourself ragged doing all the work and paid work too, which must leave you less leisure time (and nice time with DCs) than he has and that you would have if he was a decent partner.

You have stayed with him throughout your teens' lives? That was a shit plan: they've had a shitty model of a relationship and father. Don't compound it by staying 5 more years.

What do they think about him?

What does your counsellor say about him?

Parents divorced when he was young and then barely saw his father

Me too. Lots of us have had an upbringing like this. We don't behave like this though.

You need those scales to fall and soon. Do the FP online.

While my marriage was not the same exactly as yours there are some elements I recognise.

But what I wanted to say to you is don't for heavens sake stay until the right time. I did that, kept waiting because it was never the right time until the whole situation exploded and I had no choice. My DC are really badly emotionally damaged from it. If I had left years ago they wouldn't be. To the extent that my 13 year old (outing myself if anyone knows me in real life!) now is very ill with anorexia. The cause undoubtably being the years of emotional abuse she witnessed, that I thought she didn't notice or didn't affect her. My other two DC are profoundly affected too. If you think you need to get out, then do so, don't wait until a golden moment presents itself because it won't.

Sorry, thought from upthread that you were having counselling alone at present, but from your latest post think not - perhaps you should? With someone good!

Very sorry your daughter, you and the family are going through that toastandstrawberryjam.

Thanks - no I am not having counselling at present. I stopped about a year ago but had found a wonderful woman locally to where I live. It was hugely useful. I stopped because I felt I had made a lot of progress and was struggling to afford it and to find the time. I have considered going back but in a way I feel I "get" it all now in a way that I didn't. The pieces of the jigsaw are fitting into place.

I will read the Lundy Bancroft books. They look useful.

Yes I do run myself ragged, I want to stop doing that too. I have really worked hard for my career because I know that will give me the financial freedom to leave if and when I choose to.

I don't really know what my DC think about our relationship. I never criticise him to them, although DD2 made a comment recently which made me realise he does slag me off to them, not sure how much. I have a good relationship with my girls but I'm not sure if they would forgive me if I left. They really love their dad.

I also think that because he is hugely better than my own dad - who has ignored me all my life (apart from chasing me round the house until he caught me and then hitting me when I was a child - to the extent that once I had to go to the GP) I have thought he is a great dad.

Yes and strawberry jam - that sounds hideous. So sorry about that. I was anorexic myself as a teenager and it has always been my greatest fear with my own girls (though thankfully no signs atm).

Thanks AnyFucker - he certainly does tick quite a few of those boxes. I'm quite shocked actually. Really hadn't taken on board that this could be abuse.

Have to go to work now. But huge thanks everyone. xxx

I wasn't trying to play the "poor me" card just to say that it does affect children far more than we realise. I just didn't see it. I think we are so much in the fog and trying to get through it, that it's hard to notice what's around us.

Counselling would be good (says toast who still hasn't got round to getting any!). But def not with him. Although one session of that with mine was enough for a lot of scales to fall from my eyes!

Of course the DC love him. They could still have time with and love from him if you lived apart.

Why do you think they'd be angry with you if you broke up?

A sad thing that can happen is that DC observing how things work in the family can sometimes start to treat the abused person badly too. This can also be perpetuated in their future relationships, eg they might behave like your H or put up with the sort of thing you have put up with and they've been privy to. Leaving - even after being in the situation with the DC after many years - sends a strong message that there are other, better ways to live.

What's he been saying about you to them? That could be part of his abuse of you (and very damaging for them too).

He might be better than your dad by a country mile, but your dad sounds awful and shouldn't be the benchmark! Glad you are protecting yourself from your family now.

I'm sure the DCs notice everything that goes on.

But what are they supposed to do? If you are constantly covering up and ignoring his horrible behavior what do you expect them to do? You are busy putting a brave face on things so they assume you are doing what you choose to do, not that you are doing what you learned as a child.

They probably think Dad is a bully sometimes or grumpy but if the other adult in the house accepts that they probably assume what he's doing is normal or ok.

how old are your daughters? It may be that as they get older and no longer worship him he will start behaving like this to them too.