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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If I criticise DH he sulks for days

114 replies

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 17:10

I am at the end of my tether with DH. Whenever I am upset with him for any reason or show any emotion that is not totally positive he turns the whole thing round so that he is angry with me and ends up sulking.

For example today is DDs birthday. Her friends have come over this afternoon for a tea party and sleepover. This morning I was a running round like a mad thing trying to get the house clean and tidy. DH was in his study working/on the computer. This is typical. He does barely any housework and however much I ask nothing changes.

Anyway I asked if he could help me and he said he didn't mind helping if I told him what to do. So I suggested some things he might do and he did start doing them but was obviously pissed off and now he has spent the rest of the day sulking and barely talking to me.

I am having a very hard time at the moment as I have recently gone NC with my narc mother and enabling father. I feel quite vulnerable and alone. I can see that growing up with such difficult parents meant that I chose quite a difficult husband too but I don't know what to do to change things for the better. I am so sick of his sulking and his withdrawing. He never apologises for anything. He thinks everything is my fault. It really upsets me that I even need to ask him to do some of the tidying up, and that when I am stressed instead of comforting me he just gets angry.

OP posts:
Elendon · 24/10/2015 18:15

Hmm Well keep your mouth shut then and don't get upset. Don't expect him to help. And then at the end of the day get all snuggly and intimate.

You know it's what he wants. (You need to rein your special snowflake needs in)

Hmm
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/10/2015 18:23

Does he sulk for days if there's ever a difference of opinion with one of his friends? Or his superior at work? Probably not, as it would likely lead to an ending of a friendship or him getting fired. He's reserving this as a special punishment for you, and he's absolutely doing it on purpose. Because it works. Or rather, it has worked in the past.

He's not a kind man and he's not a good father either or he wouldn't be treating you so badly.

You can't change him, the only thing you can change is your response to his behaviour. Think of him as emotionally stuck as a five year-old. Is that what you want to be married to?

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 18:27

NanaNina I think you are right. That is what I am trying to do. I have changed a lot (which is why I have been able to stand up to my parents and decide I won't take any more of their terrible behaviour). It is hard to have to stand up to everyone - kind of exhausting. I know that if I was choosing a relationship now I would choose someone much kinder...

OP posts:
thekitchensink2 · 24/10/2015 18:37

I had a boyfriend like this. I told him it wasn't normal to react to every perceived slight as a massive criticism. I said, unless we go to counselling and you can work through this issue, then we are over. He sulked at every perceived injustice, often for days.

We went to counselling.

We got married three years ago.

He still sulks whenever I try to express my dissatisfaction over something. Today he is in a major strop because I have had to work the whole day. I asked him twice to empty the washing machine, he said yes, but then ignored me. So then I asked him again a couple of hours later and was quite clearly pissed off, because on a day when I am working (from home) 9-5 I really need him to pick up the household slack. He stomped off to do it, accused me of being vile and told me to fuck off. Since then he has ignored my efforts to make conversation and replied in monosyllabics.

As it is I had already done the washing up, put it away, put the washing on, and sorted out dinner. He has spent the entire day on the sofa watching a box set, he is still on there.

I reminded him of things we had promised in counselling. He rolled his eyes and said the counselling was just to keep me happy, it was a load of crap and didn't mean anything.

I can't see how I am supposed to stay married to him.

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 18:42

Bitter - it is interesting that you mention work. The fact is he can't actually work for other people. The last time he had a job it ended when he stormed out. Luckily he is clever and creative and has managed to earn a very good living being self employed. Yes he is emotionally five years old and no I don't want that but I can't do everything at once and having just disengaged from horrendous parents I can't leave my husband right now. I think louisaaa's idea is good and I shall try that.

Sorry to hear you have similar problems kitchensink. Sounds very familiar, except DH has never done any laundry I don't think, during our entire relationship. Possibly once or twice he has done a wash of his own clothes only in a strop because I had got behind with the washing, but he has never "done the washing". Gosh I am just realising how terrible that sounds - I have been a huge mug, don't want to be one any more.

OP posts:
pointythings · 24/10/2015 18:48

It isn't normal bloke behaviour at all. My DH is 55 and is nothing at all like this. Because he is a decent human being. Your OH is a twat.

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 18:50

Elendon - you are so right. Not doing that any more.

OP posts:
thekitchensink2 · 24/10/2015 18:53

I used to do all the laundry. Then one night at midnight he was really annoyed with me because he was gong to the gym the next day and had nothing clean. I said, well for a start I'm not psychic, and #2 do you really think telling me at midnight is going to achieve anything?

He had the good grace to seem to realise he was being ridiculous and started to do his own stuff.

The thing is he acts like he needs a reward if he does anything around the house. He isn't a self starter at all, yet had the gall two weeks ago to accuse ME of having no 'get up and go'! I will get up and clean the house for an hour before I have my cup of tea every Saturday! I will see a job needs doing and actually do it! He is so, so lazy around the house. I shouldn't have to ask him to support me when I am working from home, right? He should do it by himself, because he sees I am other wise engaged? If so then I don't think he got the memo.

Then people his family ask me when I am going to have a baby with him! Little do they no there is no way I am having a baby with a man like this. If he doesn't start pulling his weight (and enough with the ridiculous petulant toddler strops!) then i am out of here.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/10/2015 18:56

My concern would be that, while you are old enough to make a choice here, your children are not. If they grow up in a crap relationship, that's what they will use to guide their own. You've seen how much that can affect you long into adulthood.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2015 19:09

So how long are you going to give that selfish man, thekitchensink? You are wasting your life being with him - there is no way he's going to change. He sounds horrible.

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 20:04

Ok so he's starting to be "nice" again. He even did the washing up after DD and her friends had eaten their pizza (dishwasher broken at the moment) and was chatty and friendly. I realise that usually I am so relieved that he is being "normal" again that I am immediately friendly back.

I don't want to pretend nothing has happened but nor do I want to risk a row while DD's friends are staying. So far I have not been too friendly but I don't want to sulk or I am just doing what he does. What do I do now?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/10/2015 20:16

Do what you always did

And you will get what you always do

I would never be civil to this man again. But you seem to think he is worth it, so be nice because he is turning on the false charm.

And some time soon you will be down at rock bottom again when he decides you need to be punished again.

louiseaaa · 24/10/2015 20:55

Nah, just behave like an adult. Ignore the bad behaviour, act polite but don't engage in the "everything's ok, now. Try and be a bit cool, without being rude. Keep your dignity for now. If he says anything say you'll discuss later when party is over :)

junebirthdaygirl · 24/10/2015 21:02

I agree with poster who said just ignore him. Pretend you don't even notice he is not talking. Totally take the power out of it. Have a great time with your dd and her friends. Be full of the joys of life.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2015 21:03

I would look up Transactional Analysis - it states in our relationships we act either as adult, parent or child. If you consistently act as an adult (DON'T act as a parent to him) then you will help force him to act as an adult. It's well worth reading up on.

My ex MIL used to try to be the parent all the time. We'd try to be adults. It would go on and on and then she'd suddenly turn into the child and start crying etc. The temptation to turn into the parent was almost overwhelming. You really are forced to think about the way you communicate. The fact he isn't in on this decision doesn't matter - you will know you've done the right thing by consistently acting as an adult.

After a while of doing it, introduce it to him. See what he says about his own behaviour.

TabbyT · 24/10/2015 21:19

Thank you all. That is enormously helpful. Being an adult is exactly what I want to achieve. (I think when I met DH I was consistently the child and I let him be the parent). I am now managing to be an adult at work (after years of suffering bullying bosses I am now in a newish job where I am respected and doing well).

DD and her friends having a lovely time watching a movie in their pyjamas.

OP posts:
Themodernuriahheep · 24/10/2015 21:29

Tabby, been there. Louiseaaa and TA are exactly right. And even if there are other things in play as there were for us, moving into adult mode leaves you dignified.

Also try this assertiveness technique..

GRUMP...YOU ARE SO. Whatever...

You. I can see you feel like that. But from my point if view I see it differently. Repeat max five times, pref three, calmly, and eventually move off with " and now I am going to make a cup if tea. Would you like one ?"

V v hard to argue with.

BrendaandEddie · 24/10/2015 21:31

do oyu never go away? why do women stand for this men not doing normal household tasks shit

Jux · 25/10/2015 14:41

DH used to sulk like a bastard, he could sulk for a week! I'd not come across that sort of nehaviour since I was a child, and I was quite perturbed by it. At first I was worried as I thought I must have done something really really bad to have hurt him to this extent, and would apologise at least daily for whatever perceived wrong I had done.

This was not like me, I was a person who didn't take any shit from anyone. So I said to his stiffened back that it was so childish I simply couldn't be bothered with it, and from thereon started treating him like he was my equal, not my superior, and would just ignore the fact that he was ignoring me. "Would you like x, dh?" No reply. "OK that's what we'll have/do" etc. If there was a choice and he didn't reply, I'd say "well, I want x so we'll have x." Once I'd done that a few times, and just chatted away to him normally the rest of the time, he stopped.

He does still have a tendency towards it, and I'm afraid I have picked up a bit of his behaviour myself Blush, though I don't think I sulk.

TBH, I don't think it's worth the hassle of trying to pull sulkers out of it, if they don't sulk they'll do something else that's pa.

Good luck.

Themodernuriahheep · 25/10/2015 15:50

Jux, I raise you. Three weeks. But yes, once I worked out that rage and apologies didn't work, the brisk kind but firm adult was the way through.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/10/2015 16:15

I realise that usually I am so relieved that he is being "normal" again that I am immediately friendly back.

Fix that first. Everything else will follow.

Steel yourself to tell him calmly "I am not ready to forgive you yet." Then say NOTHING else.

Talk to him when you decide he is forgiven not when he decides you have been punished enough. He is the one in the wrong. Make sure you behave like he is wrong and you are right. Currently you are doing the opposite.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/10/2015 16:18

You have to discourage this behaviour from him. You are encouraging it by giving him what he wants.

If you start rewarding the behaviour you like and punishing the behaviour you don't then there is a chance he will change. It worked for him. Watch, learn, do.

BrendaandEddie · 25/10/2015 16:48

this forgiving and sulking thing sounds exhausting
just take the piss out of him when he is sulking and chant SULKY PANTS SULKY PANTS and clap your hands

Wink
665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 25/10/2015 17:16

If you default to "nice" and never mention this horrible behaviour I'd bet the farm that you would be repeating the behaviour you were forced into with your parents.
The .."thank god they like me now, they won't like me if mention that what they have just done is unacceptable, I will subsume my own needs to their happiness"
Whereas you actually now Know that you cannot live like that. ! And you are not responsible for anybody else's mood or actions. If you don't confront him you wont like him, and much much worse..you wont like yourself.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 25/10/2015 17:20

You are a dragon slayer now..sorry but its true..once you realsise your worth more you just have to keep going...strap on your armor Wink we're cheering you on