If I criticise DH he sulks for days

[TabbyT]

I am at the end of my tether with DH. Whenever I am upset with him for any reason or show any emotion that is not totally positive he turns the whole thing round so that he is angry with me and ends up sulking.

For example today is DDs birthday. Her friends have come over this afternoon for a tea party and sleepover. This morning I was a running round like a mad thing trying to get the house clean and tidy. DH was in his study working/on the computer. This is typical. He does barely any housework and however much I ask nothing changes.

Anyway I asked if he could help me and he said he didn't mind helping if I told him what to do. So I suggested some things he might do and he did start doing them but was obviously pissed off and now he has spent the rest of the day sulking and barely talking to me.

I am having a very hard time at the moment as I have recently gone NC with my narc mother and enabling father. I feel quite vulnerable and alone. I can see that growing up with such difficult parents meant that I chose quite a difficult husband too but I don't know what to do to change things for the better. I am so sick of his sulking and his withdrawing. He never apologises for anything. He thinks everything is my fault. It really upsets me that I even need to ask him to do some of the tidying up, and that when I am stressed instead of comforting me he just gets angry.

665 you are absolutely right. That is exactly what I did with my parents (though obviously not consciously at the time). Then as soon as I could I left home and went to uni at the other end of the country to get as far away as possible. The sad thing I have realised about an abusive childhood however is that it is "the gift that keeps on giving" - in that I have repeated the behaviour in my marriage that I learned as a child. Cutting off contact with my parents (which would be a whole other thread) has been a real turning point for me in realising I will no longer tolerate being treated badly.

DH and I had a long chat this morning. We left DC at home and went for a walk (older DC are teens). I explained how I feel. I kept in "adult" mode. He said he was feeling quite down at the moment. I said that is fine but if he just withdraws and is hostile what am I supposed to think? I said that he never opens up except to attack me - so if he is upset it is my fault, if he's disappointed about something it's my fault and I told him he has to start owning his own feelings and not projecting them on to me. I said that going forward I will only relate to him as an adult. He is still a bit withdrawn. So let's see how things go. Thank you so much for all your thoughts. Hugely appreciated.

Liking the dragon-slayer analogy...

I do rather like Brenda's solution - you could only use it with the right type of person though, it wouldn't work with dh.

In answer to Brenda's question - I think in my case it is because I had such low self esteem that I felt I should just suck it up. I was trained to be full of self loathing by parents who scapegoated me all my life. I can see now that it has been a huge mistake to allow DH to get away with doing to little domestically. My teenage DDs are very aware and have commented about how I do so much more around the house than DH.

I see things differently now but it's hard to get other people to change their way of doing things once a status quo has been established.

did your mum do the same?

No - my mother is about as narcissistic as they come. My father did all the washing up and still does. My DC have commented on how different he is to my DH. DH has a mum who is a total doormat though. She's nice and she is twice divorced but DH's dad treated her appallingly and she lacks confidence even now in old age.

He is "still a bit withdrawn"

How generous of you. He will continue to take the piss. It's what he does. You deserve a relationship with a grown up. You don't have that.

AnyFucker - I know you are right. I'm just so worn down by it all and when we talk he just tells me all the things I am doing wrong - apparently I seem "indifferent" to him a lot of the time (which is probably true). He has gone out tonight (he often goes out alone which I find a little odd) leaving me to deal with shattered 8 year old (after last night's sleepover) and mountains of washing up.

It's not "odd", it's a bastard's trick.

Can I suggest that you read 'Should I stay or should I go?'

You didn't really achieve anything with your chat because he made it all about him, justified his behaviour (he's down/sad) and then went out leaving you to deal with the aftermath of the party.

You're recognising how your parents' relationship has impacted on your choices, stay strong and work on providing a better template for your DCs. Personally, I think you will need to leave. The unhealthy dynamic with your DH is so engrained that you'll both have to work hard to change it and he isn't showing any willing. This works for him.

APlace - yes whenever I try to speak to him he just blames me for everything. He also does this crocodile tears thing where he pretends to cry. It's just awful. I am exhausted by it to be honest. Will look at the book you suggest.

He "pretends to cry" ?

How can you have any respect for him at all ? Can you manage to drum up any sexual attraction to this arsehole ?

Why the hell are you wasting so much of your precious life on this twat?

This'll be interesting. You've called him on his behaviour so now he'll either sort himself out (he doesn't treat others like this do he chooses to treat you like shit) or he'll see if you mean it be pushing at your boundaries again.

Be ready for him because I've a feeling it'll be the latter

When he starts on about you, try this: We're not talking about that, we're talking about this. We can talk about that later, after we've dealt with this.

When he pretends to cry: You are an adult, so please try to behave like one.

Thanks everyone. He came home after midnight and woke me up by putting his lamp on. The vibe was very hostile. I'm off to work now so can't post during the day but your posts are really helpful.

Because when I call him up on his behaviour he always starts listing my faults and because, like every human, I am not perfect, over the years I have thought "if only I could be better he would stop behaving like this". I see now it is the same pattern I employed with my parents as a child. I can also see that I can't carry on like this. Though it is DD1s GSCE year so can't disrupt things at the moment. Food for thought. Thank you all so much.

When my husband sulks (which is much less frequent than it used to be) I assume that something has triggered him into feeling unloved as it helps me not to react negatively. He grew up in a household with a very passive aggressive mother. In the early days, I would respond by being cold back, or try to appease him when he sulked and being relieved when he came round. Now I go to him quite deliberately just once when it starts, cuddle him, tell him how much I love him, tell him if he wants to talk, I'm there for him, then I carry on as if nothing has happened. Like louiseaaa, i might also get on with doing my own thing, anything that makes me feel as if his behavior isn't driving me to be someone I'm not. He cannot ever now say that I am indifferent, or that I am treating him as badly as he is treating me. For me it works as it reinforces my own view that I am a good person and in our case, it also seems to help him to behave like this less often. It may be that your relationship won't last and that at some point you might feel strong enough to walk away, but in the meantime, just try to be the person you want to be.

Where on earth does he go for several hours on a dark rainy Autumn night on his own ?
I am asking because blaming behaviour + angry / storming out abscences = other woman.

and after GCSE year, there will be first year at college

and xmas/birthdays/anniversaries coming up...

Imperial - it's all very well advising Transactional Analysis and always behaving like an adult in your tone and speech.... but when you have a husband who doesn't pull his weight on housework, then there is only so many times you can ask him to do so, calmly and rationally, before you get angry or annoyed and tip over into 'nagging' like a 'Parent'.

I too was married to a sulker. 10days was his record. It meant that issues were never cleared up or addressed because after the sulk he would expect everything to go back to normal and I was too exhausted by it to bring up the issue which had causedthe sulk.

Notice I say was married.

Yes, I know, CheckedMate. It would only stand a chance if she was to talk to him about TA and make him look at how he behaves. I wouldn't hold out much chance, frankly.

So you are married to a bully that keeps you in your place when you challenge his childish behaviour, he wont want to change, the situation suits him and dandy, if you are willing to carry on allowing his feelings and opinions to trump yours every time then expect more of the same, I don't know how you can live like this, your own life on hold whilst you pander to his, perhaps this new awakening for you is a step in the right direction to the realisation that you can live your life as you see fit and not as a pacifier for someone else's.

Not excusing his behaviour, which sounds awful, but he sounds like he has a lot of issues as well. What kind of childhood has he had? Has he ever had counselling? As you've written, our childhood sets the pattern for the rest of our life and it takes hard work to change it. Maybe you can explore with him what causes him to react with sulks whenever you express any negativity.