It's his last night at home

[Bloodywellhowmuch]

Morning everyone.

Tonight will be Mr BWHM's last night in the family home as Mr BWHM. He is moving out tomorrow, not into the apartment he has signed up for as it isn't ready, but back to his mums house for 2 weeks as I said he had to move out tomorrow regardless.

We have remained amicable during the last few weeks whilst he was getting ready to move out and are still friends as such, but it is tearing me apart right now, I know this is irrelevant but, last night when I went to bed he was still mine today, but tonight when I go to bed he won't be mine tomorrow (even though I know he hasn't been mine for a while) and I'm finding it very hard to deal with, I have a sinking feeling in my tummy, every muscle/bone/joint aches from holding myself rigid due to stress, I'm not sleeping (3 to 4 hrs a night but broken and nightmares when I do drop off).

I don't want to be at home tomorrow when he is packing up and actually moving out, I will have DS2 (13 and autistic) with me (ds1 and dd are away from the family home this week anyway) so I don't feel as if I could go to a friends home and rant and cry/shout and cry more iykwim.

What can I do that isn't majorly expensive with ds2 to pass on some time and not be in the house?

Will you all have some advice for me and hold my hand when it does get to tomorrow?

I'm feeling lost and don't feel as if there is an RL support for me, my dad thinks it's my fault, my mum, brother and both sets of grandparents have passed away and I have no aunts/uncles/cousins locally I can call on.

It could be any number of reasons. Pent up stress. Relief. Recognition that it's over based on the big changes you're making. Exhaustion. You've been running on adrenalin (and coffee I'd bet). You were bound to come down a little at some point (even if it's just when the coffee runs out!).

It's okay to cry, you know, as long as you allow yourself some time for it and then put it aside and focus on some positive things afterwards. It's not helpful to dwell on it. Things can be rollercoaster-like here and there while you get used to it.

Who cares if he doesn't like it? Isn't that the point? It's what YOU like that's important now, so just enjoy it.

The DIY made such a difference for me. Before I waded into the DIY stuff, all I saw as I looked around were bad memories everywhere. Now it's like I'm in a whole different house. He's not been inside the house since I've made all these changes. It's mine, with my memories, and the none of the bad ones. So much more peaceful and relaxing (and my style!).

Thanks guys xxx I sort of know it will be because of the changes I'm making, the house was important to me before him (grandparents house, my mum was born here) so it's not as if all the memories are related to him iykwim.

I've had a lay down on the new bed and I didn't have to invite the doggies up onto - they just piled on as soon as I lay down. I have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep on my own in it much more room than on the study bed as that was a single and both doggies slept on that with me

I think also that I am exhausted, I remember being like this, running around, doing diy and cutting grass 2 days after ds2 was born so that Dh wouldn't have to do it - I know that was adrenaline fuelled and exhaustion set in really quickly then.

Hi Bloody,
I'm only 2 months down the road from you in a similar situation. I was initially relieved, and manically set about sorting out all the crap that had been left behind. Doing jobs I had been told I was not capable of. After a few days the stress of the last couple of years hit me. I had fought to keep everything "normal" and suddenly nothing felt like it was going to ever be normal again. The grief and loss attacked me, and I went into shock. I couldn't eat, sleep or even walk round a supermarket without having an anxiety attack ( something I've never had before and didn't know what was happening ).
I am not saying this will happen to you, but please, please slow down. Give yourself time to adjust. Relax as best you can and talk to friends. Do the usual routine jobs you need to do, and then do one extra job each day. Even if you just clear out one drawer or cupboard, please slow down. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone.

You're doing amazingly. I'm exactly the same and ripped my house apart when I became single. To be honest, even though I tired myself out...it was better than taking it slow and thinking too much. My head churned with all my plans for the house and it was a great distraction. When I finally did slow down I'd achieved loads and could rest and come to terms with things while looking at a minimalist clean nice home.

"I remember being like this, running around, doing diy and cutting grass 2 days after ds2 was born so that Dh wouldn't have to do it"

This is probably a bit beside the point now, but what on earth was preventing DH from doing these things to the extent that a woman who'd just given birth was the best person for the job?!

I mean, respect for being wonder woman and all, but... Have you spent the entire relationship doing everything because he did sweet F all?!

hi Bloody - I'm going to say this on the grounds of what your last post just said - slow down!!

I know you're doing well and you've changed heaps of stuff, but you are more than likely running on adrenaline again - adrenaline that's coming from the situation of your H leaving. Obviously the DIY is a distraction technique for your conscious brain, but your unconscious brain is still processing the stress of the separation and it's affecting your body. The crying was probably a desperate attempt by your unconscious brain for you to acknowledge the sadness of the situation - and that's absolutely fine - what isn't fine is you potentially running yourself into the ground with exhaustion again, because that is a risk.

ifyoure has already highlighted one potential outcome, but there are others - adrenal exhaustion, where you run completely out of energy; a former colleague of mine ended up with type I diabetes from the stress of her divorce (I know yours isn't as stressful as that but it's still a possible reaction to you using all your energy up at once). Might sound like scaremongering but I'm not trying to scare you, just to say "slow it down a bit and rest".

and

Thanks for all the advice xxx

I know I need to slow down, which is why I haven't done any diy today, I'll start again when I'm ready as I don't have to prove to anyone what I can do and it doesn't have to be up to his perfect standards, it can be to mine :D

After ds2 was born I think I felt I owed him (not the right word but can't really think of a better one) as he had said he didn't want any more children after he turned 30, Dd came along when he was 30 and ds2 when he was 32 (ds2 wasn't planned I had a coil fitted but it failed) but we both said that if the baby survived the removal then it deserved a chance - ds2 was a stubborn little monkey even then :) I kind of knew he wasn't happy about the situation but it wasn't planned and I couldn't face the other option. He was sterilised 2 months after DS2 was born so it couldn't happen again, even though I begged him to reconsider - just in case.

Over the last few weeks lots of things have cropped up that I either ignored or deliberately didn't remember that has me questioning our relationship, I have no doubt that I love him, but I always felt the need to be 'more' for him, keep his life on an even keel, go without not really material things but trips away, time outs etc to keep him happy (hence the beige and no colour - it seemed a small price to keep him happy).

We have had good times and he has been very supportive through the death of a number of my family members (younger brother, mum, all my grandparents etc) he has only ever lost a grandparent and I don't think he realises just how much it hits you when you are suddenly an only, with a dad that is a twat and a drunken one at that, almost a functioning alcoholic misguided individual.

I've supported him through many years of depression, going self employed and working 18 hours a day to ensure we had money coming in, his working away from home and not being able to tell me when he was coming back (during Dd pregnancy - that was bleeding stressful) I used to joke I was a single mum with a wage coming in at times.

His ideal time used to be at home watching to with us all camped out on sofa and talking, until he started running, then it became all about his exercise and how often he could go out, how far he could run, then cycle, then run and cycle on the same day, he would still work away from home but none of his downtime was at home with us. And I use to get 'you haven't run this week' - no mate I'm at home looking after our kids, cooking your protein and carbs and cleaning our fucking house whilst you run 14 miles as a training run.

When I told him he was being selfish with his time he used to say 'I know' not 'I'll change'. I didn't want much, just some of his time, he still didn't want to do a weekend away or an overnight in a hotel to have 'us' time as it ate into his running time/stretches time. Food became protein and carbs not meat and potatoes, and God forbid I made a pudding and asked if he wanted any.

My DD has said she is glad he has gone as she is happier and more relaxed as she doesn't have to make conversation with him about anything, as he used to wind her up. This has made me sad as she never told me that he was a pain in the ass for her, I should have seen it but I didn't.

DS2 hasn't said much (autistic) and is spending his time in his room, I can just about turf him out with the bribe of junk food, but I think he is depressed, and ds1 is being an absolute star, looking out for the little 2 and making time for them, even though he lives an hour away at uni.

I know my 'D'h has been a twat and I'm better of without a man that can't see what his actions were doing to the family, I'm just a bit lost and needing direction and hand holding and a hug.

Christ that was long :/ needing to get it off my chest obviously :)

In truth, he's been 'gone' from the family for years, hasn't he? Physically present at times, but emotionally absent. And from the sound of it, quite a 'taker' and not much of a 'giver'. I think you'll find that his absence won't create quite the hole you think it will, once the dust settles.

I'm don't think it's truly him that you're crying over. I think it's the death of the dream you had of what your life with him could have been if he'd only gotten over himself.

I agree with Across - it's not him leaving that's making you sad, it's the loss of any chance that he could have showed how much he loved you all by changing and being there for you. The loss of the dream of the happy family life, which we all have, let's face it. It's knowing that he cared more about his running than the rest of you. (which leads me to wonder - and I know this is an MN trait but still - any chance that your H is undiagnosed ASD spectrum? It's just the sudden intense devotion to his Running, taking over from everything else, sort of suggested it)

I think as well that now you all have time for each other it's going to be a lot more comfortable for all of you - now you're no longer bending over backwards to accommodate him and his needs/demands/wants/thoughtlessness.

I do think he maybe ASD - or have many traits anyway, things he learned to put up with when he was younger (not a normal childhood, but did any of us).

And I do believe that he has been gone for a long time emotionally, this is just the final nail so to speak.

I am mourning the loss of family life, the loss of an us, maybe even a little loss of him, I think it's kind of hard to feel as if no one has my back and all the decisions I now have to make I have to do them alone, and that's scary.

I won't be online till tonight - at uni today X all advice/support welcomed

Why on earth you felt you "owed" your husband after giving birth to an unplanned baby is beyond me. The contraceptive failure was not your fault (it was no-one's fault) and if he was absolutely adamant he didn't want another child, he could have for the snip.

Typo! He could have had the snip

Emma, it was just a feeling I had, there is a long back story to my feelings of inadequacy not towards my Dh but towards my parents as well, my happiness was never the forefront of anyone's mind, I was shunted around as my mum was very ill when I was younger (almost from my birth) and she spent a lot of time in hospital, I was a child carer for her, I looked after my younger brother practically consistently and as I grew older my father thought that when mum was in hospital that I was there to replace her.

I've never been able to put myself first due to all that happened when I was younger, my needs were always at the bottom of the pile, even taking exams at 16, I didn't have study time as mum was in hospital again and 'died' on the operating table (brought back of course) and I was either at thhospital visiting her, looking after my 13yo brother, cooking and cleaning and keeping house or avoiding my dad. No one thought to let the school know i had issues at home.

I can't blame any of my current life on that but it did shape the way I behave and how I feel I should be subservant to everyone else, it's ingrained in me as it was how I was raised.

Ah that makes a bit more sense. Sorry, I didn't know any of your back story. I hope that you feel your needs are more important now. I guess old habits die hard but if you're aware it's the main thing.

Thanks emma, not many do know my back story, they just see the person always smiling sorting out everything.

I'm not resentful, I just wish I had a more stable start, but life goes on and what happens to us shapes us as the people we are today.

Oh Bloody - reading between the lines, you had a bloody hard childhood, didn't you :(

And yes, it would of course have shaped the way you are today, how could it not? But now you can take charge at last - you can put yourself first for once and do what suits you (within reason, given your DC) and hurrah for that!

I don't think anyone has a perfect childhood and I think we all dream of the fictional Blytonesque ideals (or I did anyway) and yes I wouldn't have wished mine on anyone, but if I'd not cared for mum and my brother I would have probably ended up in a home (not sure if it would have been better or worse) and possibly separated from my brother and I couldn't imagine that (I'm still not over his death 19 years ago).

But this is my time, my life, time for me to grow and spread my own wings and live in colour and be more Tigger - all subject to the kids needs of course that's tongue in cheek but the kids will come first

I feel so different from this time last week - most of it is due to MN and the support offered, the words, empathy (something I don't think anyone in RL has shared) and kindness shown by you all is something I have never experienced in RL now I'm blubing

It's a great place to vent and get advice. The trouble with friends is that you feel like you are repeating yourself a lot of the time, when all you are doing is trying to make sense of things. Most of my friends have been through a break up of some description, but not with the 10 years of emotional abuse which I never even noticed was going on. If I was living with him and didn't notice, how can I expect them to have noticed ? He was a master at the public façade and is now playing the victim very well. I know he is rejected and angry, but he is not feeling the loss, guilt, etc that I guess you are going through, as I am struggling with.

i havent read all the replies bt i was in your situation 2 weeks ago too. i didn't do anything the day he moved out. just literally said to the kids that i was out of action for that day and they had to bear with me.
i have no regrets about not doing anything on that day. i thoght i'd be rushing around doing a million things that i've put off doing for ages, that i'd be filled with energy. but i wasn't and still am not filled with any energy at all.

these major traumas take time and i can't rush into anything at the moment. i'm not ready mentally at all. you'llfeel better in time (so people tell me). good luck xxxx

So if I'm putting it all together why the hell am I sat here at 1am feeling sad for myself, unable to sleep and peed off with myself for nearly begging him to come home earlier again?

Where was the 'I'm living my life, in colour' crap that I was spouting earlier ? How can it flip so quickly to needing him here?

Someone come and give me a slap and a shake and make me snap out of this pathetic mood I'm in.

No slap from me but here's a pair of boxing gloves.Put them on then you can't phone/txt etc. Seriously,you're doing well.You can't turn off feelings for someone that you have loved for such a long time just like that even if he has been a pain in the bum.You'll get there eventually love just give it time.Go and make a then settle down in your new bed with your furry friends.Things will seem better in the morning. Mx

snaps fingers... there you go, you're out of the pathetic mood you were in and you're now going to find a new lodestar to guide you to the bright and colourful life that will be yours as soon as you've finished mourning the old order.

You've picked an optimum time for new beginnings as Sunday is Samhain, the start of the Celtic New Year. Take time to remember your brother and celebrate his life after sunset today when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest and know that he's by your side, encouraging and supporting you through this transition as are all of your loved ones who've gone before.

Buy a new broom, a besom if you can find one or make one from twigs tied to a branch or pole, and use it to symbolically sweep old and redundant memories and emotions out of every room and out of your home.

Make new year's resolutions just as you would for Jan 1. Drink a toast to your ancestors and drink a toast to yourself after affirming that the coming year will be one that sees you become all you can be because you are now free to be yourself.

You can and you will be happy again and the first stirrings of contentment will happen much sooner than you think.

Fwiw, I didn't take any offence at your words and I was genuinely interested in your interior decs as I've got a pot of duck egg blue colourwash that I've long been considering applying to my kitchen cupboard doors. I must find a plank of wood, try it out, and hold it against the sunshine yellow walls.