The difference between FWB / Hookups and Dating?

[intimacysucks]

Can anyone help me with this? I have an offer from a guy who I know for a FWB kind of deal and want to get clear in my head what to expect. I've just started into a FWB situation and I'm not clear on the diferrence or what I should be expecting.

Also...does it ever end well, or will one party end up hurt?

My reasons for going into this are ultimatly lonliness (him too) and the sex once a week with cuddling, kissing and affection is quite nice and fills a gap that was missing.

Can someone who has done FWB successfully explain this to me because I'm a bit perplexed about it....maybe its a boy/girl thing in part.

I don't really get how you can a) like someone and enjoy their company and b) have good sexual chemistry with them and as someone said up-thread, really good sexual chemistry isn't something you get every day and not be in a relationship with them. Surely that's what a relationship is, isn't it? Bill it as FWB or whatever you like but its basically a relationship

I can understand if there are big differences in lifestyle/age/interests or big geographical barriers not wanting to invest too much, or not wanting to make a big lifelong commitment to someone and putting the breaks on where its going long-term.

But if you're hanging out with someone a lot and shagging them then you're in a relationship. Possibly an unconventional, dysfunctional one with a limited future and lack of commitment, but a relationship nonetheless.

Maybe I'm being old-fashioned but I can't help thinking that FWB is a term dreamed up by people mainly, but not exclusively, blokes to allow them to string other people along because they want a shag for a limited period of time. It's basically a short-term relationship where one partner is more into it than the other (I know in theory it can be equal but I've never come across this in practice) and the other one is exploiting this for sex.

I feel like the FWB thing is a bit of a red herring. If someone is less into you than you are into them you have the choice of accepting that they are basically using you for sex or moving on... but that's just like the start of any slightly unbalanced relationship, right?

Or am I missing something....

FWB won't work, because you are emotionally connected, and even if you manage to balance it and not constantly push him into more, you'll be blindly hoping that he changes his mind. He'll meet someone that he does want a relationship and drop you like a hot stone, and that'll hurt like hell.

Nope. I stopped sex element of mine when I got a bf and neither of us were hutt by it.

He'd like to resume, but I'm not currently interested. That might change in the future.

Our friendship has remained unaffected throughout.

I do wish people wouldn't assert something that applies to them as fact.

marzipanmaggie yip yip finally someone speaks some sense

OP please, just be open minded and please try to be objective. Be very aware also that you receive a lot of advice from women who have collectively a great deal of experience...but that brings with it bias, personal feeling, subjectivity and opinion. Every situation is different, just as every man is not some sort of manipulative, non-feeling, self-gratifying and selfish prick.

And I agree with marzipan FwB is a name for something that defies description. Its a name or label attached to situations that A) one would, could and should walk away from B) fits with our need to understand something/phenomena that is a slippery concept C) dreamt up by those men who want the benefit of regular sex as found in any serious relationship without any having any expectations placed upon them.

And in an age where women are meant to be CEO, paying the rent, dragging up a brood singlehandedly, caring for the parents, digging the garden and checking the oil... all before breakfast....it seems to be that men already benefit from having far few expectations placed upon them.

Women in marriages with children, working full time/part time, running homes and doing everything from gardening to roofing the shed, are too fucking tired to have sex with their husbands but somewhere else women doing all those things and more are happy to have sex with men who can't/won't offer anything. So...its a man's world.

I don't remember that it said in the 1968 memo... (Feminism) that women's emancipation will entail all women being on their knees warn out through work, taking over all responsibility whilst servicing the sexual needs of men who can offer them nothing, not respect, not kindness, not help, not even the occasional night at the cinema.

FwB is not good for women, whatever it is individual women have to say of their experiences.

I'd just say I think this person is not a manipulative, selfish, self serving prick. I have dated a lot of those, was engaged to one and I'm no stranger to being in a situation where I like a man more than he likes me (happenned many a time!) or being strung along (also too many times) or where I am being used for sex (or at least they have tried to) and nothing about this man says he is any of those things.

I have been on a gazillion dates. If I sent you all the bll shit messages and rubbish men say to me you'd vomit in your mouth a little bit (I know I have) and this guy is nothing if not honest and upfront.

It might be a case that he doesn't like me enough to want a relationship, or it might be that he was certain he didn't want one and now he is rethinking or it might be that he just enjoyed the affection and closeness, I honestly don't know because we only really had a text tennis match which isn't the best.

I'd never done "no strings sex" before with anyone - only ever with boyfriends - and as sex and nights spent with someone else I was feeling like the ones we were having were up there with the most romantic, sweet, intimate that I have ever had and something was saying "umm...this doesn't feel right", and I was feeling attached, bit concerned about it and frankly wondering what his definition of FWB was.

I don't think he is a dick though. What he sent me was sent to me to explain all the diferrent things he thought and his behavior and that was actually a nice thing to do because his intent from the tone of it was not to get me into bed, but to make me feel better.

At the end of the day though, if he is not willing / wanting to make a proper go of things with then I can't continue being intimate with him because I want to give more than he does on a day to day basis and that's going to make me feel bad.

He's also never done this before, and I think he is just also a person who doesn't really know what to do all the time; just like me. Not to say I am holding out for him to give me what I want - but more keeping an open mind.

He hasn't actually done anything wrong. He asked me to be FWB. I agreed. Slept together 3 times and I got attached. If being overly affectionate is his only crime it puts him head and shoulders over the bunch of wankers I have dated and TBH he's been nothing but honest with me which is refreshing.

I do really like him, but I'm not daft enough to continue shagging smeone who wants no future with me, so unless he comes back and says he does I will have the self respect to walk away so don't worry.

Incidentally after my first foray into this marzipan, I do agree with you. I think it's an invented term for entering into parts of the traditional idea of a relationship and skipping the ones that don't suit. I can imagine it works fine if you have no feelings for someone, but then if that's the case I (personally) would not really enjoy the sex bit as much.

Agree with you 100% on what you say about men / women Marxist.

It's total bullshit to be honest and I won't ever do it again!

No, please don't, you deserve better. We all deserve better. Of course women shouldn't use sex as a hook or as a reward, but neither should men expect to have their needs met whilst the have absolutely nothing to offer.

I think you are right about this man OP. I do think the pair of you should talk honestly, just as people have different expectations about FwB, people have different ideas about what constitutes dating or what a relationship is. As evidenced by this thread. I think most people have had at least one bad relationship, and I think most of us just put it in perspective and try again. However IME its often men who are unable to, they fear getting involved again.

I personally wouldn't say "Do you want a future with me." after three/four meets or even sex three times. I would though say "hey, look I like spending time with you, and I would like it if we could spend time getting to know each other, no pressure, no expectations beyond being honest, spending time together, being exclusive and having fun." But I may be naïve and this man turns out to be the biggest cad, but going into relationships with others requires you to be vulnerable. Rapunzel threw down her hair, how was she to know he wouldn't cut it off and sell it to make hair extensions.

Thanks Marxist. If he wants to talk I will talk. I'm not demanding a future but I can't go along with fwb when I've realised I don't want to. I'm not sure what a relationship means to me or what I even want on a day to day basis. Will have a think about that