Page 3 | The difference between FWB / Hookups and Dating?

intimacysucks · 2015-10-19T18:09:44+00:00

Can anyone help me with this? I have an offer from a guy who I know for a FWB kind of deal and want to get clear in my head what to expect. I've just started into a FWB situation and I'm not clear on the diferrence or what I should be expecting. Also...does it ever end well, or will one party end up hurt? My reasons for going into this are ultimatly lonliness (him too) and the sex once a week with cuddling, kissing and affection is quite nice and fills a gap that was missing.

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 12:13

Yeah, I am sure he will do that. Give it a couple of weeks for his balls to turn blue.

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Isetan · 20/10/2015 13:26

Are you still waiting around for him to send you mixed signals? No you're not because when you realised your true expectations weren't going to be met, you walked. This action has disqualified you from being an idiot but feel free to hook back up with this player, if you really want to be one.

nauticant · 20/10/2015 14:23

I am suprised by how upset I am that someone just wanted me for sex when they had expressly told me that from the start.

But he was implicitly telling you the opposite in the hope of keeping you available. See his manipulative comment:

"... I appreciate you telling me and I can't tell you that you can't do this".

You are really doing yourself a favour walking away from this.

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 16:17

He sent me a really long letter that said he knows he's behaved confusing but that it was because he'd not expected to like me as much as he does and he's pulled back and forth for fear of falling in love and sent mixed messages. Says he didnt know id even care. I do believe him.

If this is really true and I honestly think it is...what should I do? I mean...does it make a difference if he still doesn't want a relationship? I don't know what I am supposed to respond or think but I don't want to feel crap anymore?

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 16:32

How old are you?

To be honest, I think a good 50% of FWBs include some couple y aspects, but neither person wants a relationship so it's fine. If you do want a relationship, it's going to be painful and confusing.

You want a relationship. Whatever else he's telling you, he doesn't. He doesn't care enough to try a relationship with you, he just wants you to carry on having sex with you, without you expecting anything more.

Leave it as it is. You'll just hurt yourself because he's still not willing to commit.

TheMarxistMinx · 20/10/2015 17:41

"he didn't know I'd even care"

A long letter, fear of falling for you...mmm

Why not just be honest and say you like him a lot and you fear you could fall for him if you carried on this FwB situation, and then get hurt, and you thought he wouldn't care.

You both like each other a lot and you would like a relationship. It doesn't have to be full on. In fact it might be better since he has been hurt or whatever to simply outline what your expectations are, such as one or two nights a week, or one day out, or date night once a week or whatever. If he sees that it could still be no pressure and fun, I think you will end up where you want to be.

I think some people tend to recoil from the word relationship sometimes, the weight of expectations etc,... I have. I have always preferred to think in terms of dating long before it becomes a "relationship" I don't understand how one can pursue the idea of a relationship. Relationships are not ideas, they are something that happens because you form a bond with another person. A relationship to me is like a finished thing, something you work towards, not something you set out from.

brokenhearted55a · 20/10/2015 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threefishys · 20/10/2015 18:15

As the saying goes "he would say that" why? Because the majority of people regardless of their sex don't want to be seen as emotionless. If he genuinely was falling in love with you, you'd have known and felt it, because as we all know, we can't hold back that feeling when it comes. I think he's trying to soften things for you, not out of manipulation per se but just so you don't think he's a rubbish person. My advice would be to leave that there and move on.

HumboldtFog · 20/10/2015 18:16

^^ what brokenhearted said.

And apart from that I'm getting confused. When did he send this letter?

HumboldtFog · 20/10/2015 18:17

^^ what brokenhearted said.

And apart from that I'm getting confused. When did he send this letter?

Eachleechsparethumb · 20/10/2015 18:38

And anyway, it's not your job to sort out his emotional issues. He needs to come back to you when he's done that for himself

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 19:28

I'm 34. He emailed me.

I don't really know what the point was. I suppose approaching from two different directions. Neither of us expected to like the other one and we do. My reaction was to pull closer, his to pull back do its really not about expectations or how often I see him but more that if he's not into a relationship it doesn't really matter if he really likes me or not.

He didn't really say much about intention so I'm a bit stumped really. Might leave him to think about it. I told him how much I liked him. Seems a waste to me not to go for it but it's up to him

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Threefishys · 20/10/2015 19:39

Well thats because his intention was FWB isn't it and remains so by the sound of it .

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 19:45

Yes probably :( all he said was that he'd gone into this with a relationship off the table so it was a strange situation which is not really saying anything.

I don't want to be his FWB. How upset I was today really made that clear to me. I'd get battered trying to navigate that.

I don't know why he'd not want to try it though. Bloody annoying

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Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 19:46

Yes probably :( all he said was that he'd gone into this with a relationship off the table so it was a strange situation which is not really saying anything.

I don't want to be his FWB. How upset I was today really made that clear to me. I'd get battered trying to navigate that.

I don't know why he'd not want to try it though. Bloody annoying

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Threefishys · 20/10/2015 19:49

Try what exactly though? Going out for dates as opposed to being inside having sex? It's because you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't intend you to be. I don't mean to be harsh at all but it's not complex. It sucks but a spade is a spade.

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 19:51

Broken hearted I know in your situation he was full of shit but it doesn't mean it's the case here. I'm not saying it's not but I have to go off what I believe from what I know and what was said and I did believe what he told me. Not that it makes a difference. . I think we probably both went into it not knowing we'd hit it off like we did and in fairness he didn't know I felt that way either. I didn't let it show

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Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 19:52

Broken hearted I know in your situation he was full of shit but it doesn't mean it's the case here. I'm not saying it's not but I have to go off what I believe from what I know and what was said and I did believe what he told me. Not that it makes a difference. . I think we probably both went into it not knowing we'd hit it off like we did and in fairness he didn't know I felt that way either. I didn't let it show

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BlueBlueBelles · 20/10/2015 19:56

Bottom line?

He doesn't want a relationship with you.

He's happy to shag you.

But he's spelt out several times he doesn't want a relationship.

You can push it, you can try and convince him.

But in the end you aren't the one he wants. And that person will end up coming along.

Which is why he won't spell out what he wants - because he doesn't want what you want.

He is not a FWB. He doesn't want a relationship. Stop tying yourself in knots trying to understand a guy you've slept with three times. Walk away.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:04

Intimacy, you're hearing hooves and desperately looking for zebras. It's right in front of your face, you just don't want to accept it.

He doesn't want to be with you. That's why he doesn't want to try. He's not interested. He wants to sleep with you, but he does not want a relationship with you. There's nothing to "try" for, for him. He's clear in his position.

You have emotions which have confused this, and you're looking for another explanation, but you need to call this for what it is.

He doesn't want a relationship with you. It'd be easier for you if he'd just outright tell you that, but he won't, because you both know it'll hurt you and he loses access to regular sex if he hurts you.

FWB won't work, because you are emotionally connected, and even if you manage to balance it and not constantly push him into more, you'll be blindly hoping that he changes his mind. He'll meet someone that he does want a relationship and drop you like a hot stone, and that'll hurt like hell.

Knobs don't come with signs. Some knobs look perfectly nice and are well behaved, but they just treat some people like knobs. He is acting like a knob to you. He could be Prince Charming for the rest of the world, but he's asking you to sleep with him and be a stand-in date when he's bored and horny, but not get attached, not expect anything of him, and not mind when he finds someone he does want to actually date.

Not only that, but he's slept with you three times and he didn't want to see you whilst you were on your period. He's not even a good FWB. You just can't see it because you're love-blind.

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 20:07

He's not asking me to sleep with him. He's just explaining why he acted like he did. He's letting me go. But I agree he doesn't want a relationship with me, which he actually has outright said from day one so he's not hid it.

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Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 20:09

I was just confused over why he acted so lovey dovey. Felt to me like he had feelings developing too so I was confused. ..hence the OP asking if it was normal.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:16

None of what you've said sounds unusual for FWB, though.

The base agreement is that it's just sex. No feelings. That is critical.

Other than that, it's not all about sex. It can be cuddling up watching films, venting about your day, kissing, sleeping in the same bed. Accompanying each other to parties, going out for meals. I know FWB who have been on holiday together, and taken each other to family events.

The people in the situation decide what is appropriate and what isn't, but it's all within the understanding that it's just sex, the two people aren't interested in a relationship with each other. Some people might prefer to keep it physical, others are happy for it to be a practice relationship, you set your own boundaries before it starts.

For you, you seemed to expect just sex and took his actions to mean that he had deeper feelings. He had different expectations and different boundaries.

It's sad that it's ended, for everyone. Most things are sad when they end. But it's the right decision to walk away because the power balance is all wrong and you have feelings for him, so you are absolutely going to get hurt.

I am sorry, though. Do you have good friends that can distract you through the next few days, and keep your mind off him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:17

None of what you've said sounds unusual for FWB, though.

The base agreement is that it's just sex. No feelings. That is critical.

Other than that, it's not all about sex. It can be cuddling up watching films, venting about your day, kissing, sleeping in the same bed. Accompanying each other to parties, going out for meals. I know FWB who have been on holiday together, and taken each other to family events.

The people in the situation decide what is appropriate and what isn't, but it's all within the understanding that it's just sex, the two people aren't interested in a relationship with each other. Some people might prefer to keep it physical, others are happy for it to be a practice relationship, you set your own boundaries before it starts.

For you, you seemed to expect just sex and took his actions to mean that he had deeper feelings. He had different expectations and different boundaries.

It's sad that it's ended, for everyone. Most things are sad when they end. But it's the right decision to walk away because the power balance is all wrong and you have feelings for him, so you are absolutely going to get hurt.

I am sorry, though. Do you have good friends that can distract you through the next few days, and keep your mind off him?

Original poster

intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 20:29

Thanks Anchor. That really helped and was probably spot on. Yes. I will be fine. No major damage.

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