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Original poster

The difference between FWB / Hookups and Dating?

85 replies

intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 19:09

Can anyone help me with this? I have an offer from a guy who I know for a FWB kind of deal and want to get clear in my head what to expect. I've just started into a FWB situation and I'm not clear on the diferrence or what I should be expecting.

Also...does it ever end well, or will one party end up hurt?

My reasons for going into this are ultimatly lonliness (him too) and the sex once a week with cuddling, kissing and affection is quite nice and fills a gap that was missing.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 19/10/2015 20:31

If he clearly told you dating was off the cards and you would really like to date him then stop having sex with him. It doesn't matter about all the 'niceness' if he's not offering what you want.

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 21:08

Because he says he's been hurt that many times he doesn't want to expose himself to it again.

Am I wrong here, but can't help feeling like he is a bit of a dick here. He knows I want dating really and he says and does things to actually forge attachment rather than to help prevent it.

OP posts:
Reese123 · 19/10/2015 21:10

Do FB or FWB stay over at each others houses - or is that against the rules?

BlueBlueBelles · 19/10/2015 21:14

Intimacy stick to your gut. If he looks like a dick and acts like a dick he is probably a dick.

Reese, my FB and I had a rule we never slept over - too much relationship wise than sex.

Just realised I did have a third one. Didn't last long. I stopped it when I realised he was shagging me behind his girlfriends back!!!

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 21:17

He doesn't look like a dick or act like a dick and my gut says he isn't one.

I suppose maybe he is just a bit selfish and he wants what he wants without really thinking it through fairly.

I need to end it I guess and not going to be easy for some reason.

OP posts:
BlueBlueBelles · 19/10/2015 21:21

You said you couldn't help feeling he's being a dick.

He's being a dick.

He knows you want more. Ergo he knows he will get shagged.

But you're wanting more. Which he won't give.

So you'll keep shagging him in a hope he will see you as his happy ever after.

Whilst he's shagging you keeping one eye open for someone better.

He's not a FWB. Unless you can be honest and tell him what you want and he agrees. In which case he's a boyfriend. But your set up isn't FWB.

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 21:24

There's a diferrence between acting like a dick and being one.

What is our setup?

OP posts:
Eachleechsparethumb · 19/10/2015 21:26

He's not considering your feelings

BlueBlueBelles · 19/10/2015 21:32

What you described as your set up is him telling you he wants FWB. But then leading you on with other bits. Whilst you cling to every bit of it as you want more than FWB. Which is what you've written here?

niceupthedance · 19/10/2015 21:33

He might be being a dick but you are letting him be one. If you weren't he'd be doing it to someone else!

Threefishys · 19/10/2015 21:44

Come on OP shut up or put up! You two are effectively dating to say anything else is just semantics it just so happens he's laid out the conditions by not calling it dating because it a just a convenient set up for him at present with no discernible future. If I was you...I'd stop analysing and labelling and just enjoy it. If you feel the need to know how the future is mapped out this minute and you can't relax and just enjoy then end it.

Threefishys · 19/10/2015 21:47

Also as I understand it FB - sex, on call. FWB - someone you like spending time with and also sleeping with. No comitmemt - they are not who you would choose as a life partner but you get on and fancy each other.

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 22:04

I don't think it's dating though. We've never been out anywhere. We just have these nights where we pretend to be a couple.

I honestly could do FWB with him, was intending that but I wasn't expecting it to feel lik we were pretending to be a couple which has been what's thrown me off. It's not difficult to start to feel attachment is someone keeps kissing you in your sleep. I'm only human. I'm not mad about him or anything but yes, I prefer dating because it would be nice to have someone to go to things with and all of that.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 19/10/2015 22:08

So you'd prefer him to go after sex?

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 22:14

I think I'd just prefer that it felt like FWB. I am not sure what that would specifcally entail but a lot of things make me feel like we're starting a relationship and my brain and heart are now a bit topsy turvy which I don't like.

Will probably just tell him that yeah, no sleepovers, no cuddling, no forehead kisses or hand holding or back rubbing or talking about childhoods or going to parties or anything else. If he doesn't want a relationship then that's ok but I am a human being not a cat toy.

OP posts:
Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 22:16

He can come in, shag me and go and that would probably remove that feeling i have of intimacy. I do like the sex and enjoy it but I definitely want to keep looking for somenone who does want a relationship and can't be doing that with the status quo and this is after only 3 meetups and it's already gone a bit pete tong. Should have really worked it all out before but he took me by suprise.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 19/10/2015 22:22

He sounds like a naturally affectionate commitment phobic bloke....I'm not sure FWB is going to work for either of you.

brokenhearted55a · 19/10/2015 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
intimacysucks · 19/10/2015 23:09

thats good advice broken

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 19/10/2015 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 20/10/2015 09:44

He wants the trappings of dating but not the commitment and calling it a FWB, is his get out clause if you get too clingy.

Look you are in this too, why is it upto him to define the boundaries. Take him aside and tell him he's moving into dating teroritory and that if he really wants that, than he needs to spell it out. What he doesent get to do, is say one thing and do the opposites in the name of 'protecting himself' because it doesn't entitle him to stomp all over your boundaries.

Speak up woman, you should be your best advocate and if you aren't, then you really should be avoiding FWB/ Hook Ups/ dating all together.

HumboldtFog · 20/10/2015 10:10

He wants the trappings of dating but not the commitment and calling it a FWB, is his get out clause if you get too clingy.

This.

Original poster
intimacysucks · 20/10/2015 10:36

I got my period this week, and I am away on business next week. I sent him a message to say it was the time of the month this week and did he want to cancel plans and he said he was pretty busy anyway and we would sort something the week after next. That was really it for me...I think it brought home what FWB means (he doesn't want to spend time with you unless for sex) and I knew for certain in that second that I'm not made for this at all.

So I told him I was going to walk away and go back to dating again and he said "I see, I appreciate you telling me and I can't tell you that you can't do this".

So that was it.

I am suprised by how upset I am that someone just wanted me for sex when they had expressly told me that from the start. What a total idiot. I guess I got attached!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 20/10/2015 10:39

You're not an idiot. As you said he was upfront with you from the start but what you didn't account for was that you would have feelings. You couldn't have known that.

Life's a learning curve and you've learnt something and hopefully had a bit of fun along the way so it's not all bad.

HumboldtFog · 20/10/2015 10:48

A lot of what he was doing was manipulative, in order to get you attached, but he always had his getout clause. So try not to be so hard on yourself about that.

He may leave it a couple of weeks and come back quite strong. I was in a similar setup some time ago. When I finally decided I had to remove myself from it I told him by text then a week or so later I get a text saying "you're really special" and other BS to try to get me back into the situation. Dont' fall for it - I nearly did.