Another porn one...

[starrynight99]

I feel a bit stupid posting this, but I need to talk to someone about it, as I'm doing my own head in at the moment! My opinion on porn has always been that it's a problem if it affects the relationship (ie the partner isn't wanting sex) or if seriously dodgy/weird things are being watched, or the partner is wanting to act out everything that's in porn. If it's being used, in moderation, by an adult, then my opinion has always been that there are worse things in life. I know that on this board not everyone has this opinion, which is fair enough, but I'm of the age (late 20's) where everyone I know around my age pretty much had unlimited access to the internet in their teens, and most blokes I know (and quite a few girls) watch or have watched porn.

Anyway, I'm in a really good relationship. Lovely, considerate, brilliant partner who is generally fantastic. We bought a house together recently, are planning on getting married, and I'm pregnant and incredibly happy. We were friends for years before we got together, and quite honestly he's the nicest guy I've ever known. Love him to bits, there are no problems in our relationship at all.

Early on in our relationship I stumbled across porn on his computer. I brought it up with him, because one of the videos had a very dodgy title. He was mortified and apologetic, showed me what it was, and the title was very misleading, it was all quite 'vanilla' stuff. From what I could tell, there was nothing that I would consider to be particularly 'extreme' (previous exes have been obsessed with BDSM / Anal / Teenage stuff, all of which does not float my boat, and the last of which I think is disgusting). The ones I saw all looked quite amateurish and nothing that gave me cause for concern. After this he has been incredibly discrete about whatever he's watching, we had a drunken conversation about it last year, and he was open and said he did still watch it a couple of times a week. He openly admits he's been watching porn since he was a teenager, and seems to have a good balance.

However, despite the fact that I've been absolutely fine with porn usage in previous relationships, it just keeps playing on my mind. It's almost certainly because my bastard emotionally abusive ex (who would be a whole other post on here) was pretty obsessed with porn by the end of our relationship, would sleep on the sofa so he could stay up at night watching it, and had no interest in sex with me for really the last year. The whole relationship gave my self confidence a massive knock.

DP is bloody lovely. He is discrete about any porn he uses, to my knowledge watches nothing weird, has never asked me to do anything I'd consider odd in bed, there are no issues in the bedroom whatsoever and he has never turned me down for sex, we normally dtd twice a week which we both seem happy with.

But it just keeps playing on my mind, I think particularly at the moment since I'm pregnant, my body's changing and my hormones are going nuts. When I go out, or when he gets up early, I do usually think he's probably watching it and I fixate on it. Logically, I feel like I don't want to have a problem with this, because in theory I don't, but I am struggling to let it go. Can't decide if I should talk to him about it or not (he has no idea that I'm feeling like this at the moment, and would likely be lovely if I told him), I feel more like it's my self confidence and insecurity that's the issue.

Any advice?

You do have a problem with his porn use but are doing your damndest to change your mind set to fit in with his.

Sorry but any man who would be unwilling to give up porn use for me would be out the door, I find the whole situation sleazy, sad, and really entirely immature and yes, like you, worrying.

You are perfectly entitled to object to his porn use, sick of hearing about women feeling they have to agree to be cool.

If he can't give it a break then really, what's his problem.

You need to talk to him honestly.

It sounds like you aren't as accepting of porn as you are telling yourself to be.

Your saying one thing and your head is disagreeing.

Whether it's because it's porn or the type or your fear after your exes behaviour that your DP will go the same way...whatever reason, you are not ok with it despite saying so.

My sentiments too jan.

Talk to him.

He doesn't know how you feel. As far as he's concerned you're fine with this. If it is bothering you this much then you have to tell him.

Yeah, it sounds like you're struggling with a false consciousness issueyou believe that you should be open and accepting, but a lot of that is because you feel you cannot actually get what you'd really likea man who doesn't use porn to get off. You're convinced that it's so ubiquitous that you'll never be with someone if you make this a mandatory criterion for dating you.

Here's the real truth: yes, it's going to be damn hard to find a man who has never looked at pornography. But a LOT of men have looked at pornography while relatively young and stopped looking at it at some point since--either after realizing they were impacting their/their partner's sex life, or feeling icky about the way they were objectifying the women involved, or worrying about the conditions of the performers. A lot of men get tired of the constant overstimulation environment of the porn world, and realize it's making a solid attempt to create a psychological dependency state.

Men aren't children, incapable of thinking of anything but their shortest-term desires--not even when they have an erection, contrary to contemporary belief.

As a side note, it's interesting how historically, men have more often been considered to be the temperate ones, while women were often viewed as the sexually insatiable sex, incapable of shutting down their own desires. Today, it's the opposite--men are supposedly insatiable lust-beasts incapable of rational thought the moment they feel attraction, while women are supposedly more circumspect and in control of their actions.

Don't believe the hype that every man will look at porn. Many don't. Maybe you have been seeking the wrong kind of man?

OP I feel your pain. I personally have said to my DP that I do not find porn acceptable in our relationship. I stumbled on him watching it once and I was devastated. what affected me the most was the feeling that I was "performing" and trying to compete with those images from then on and it really made me insecure. i felt like something so intimate and shared had been totally betrayed.

this is my opinion and my DP knows how I feel. You need to tell him, just have a really honest conversation. I know other people are ok with it but if you arent that is ok. It is your relationship.

Yeah, I agree. It sounds like you haveaalways told yourself you're ok with it but that now you've grown up and are in a real relationship it's something of an issue after all.

I kind of disagree with folks on here. Your DP has a right to watch porn. He is independent of you, his own human being with his own likes and dislikes. If he is being a perfect partner to you then in my opinion this is none of your business. Just because you guys are in a relationship does not mean he should change himself especially as it sounds like he's a good guy.

I suspect this is more about you, your ex and maybe your hormones being pregnant (congrats btw!).

If you are upset it will affect your baby. Tell him that and to ditch the porn if he wants a happy you. Ffs can't these men leave their bloody genitals alone. It is pathetic!! As you can see I am not cool at all.

"Your DP has a right to watch porn."

And you have a right to not like him watching it.

I don't disagree that the OP has a right to dislike it but I'm simply saying that he has a right to like it. Being together, in a relationship doesn't mean you merge into one being. He likes porn...so what?!? I'm assuming he's also holding down a job, paying a mortgage, looking forward to the arrival of his child, being a good partner etc etc. Why watching porn twice a week, which OP is only aware of because he disclosed this, is a problem is beyond me.

Watching porn twice a week is actually quite a lot.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it in my relationship.

OP has a right not to like it, but no right to tell him he can't. If it's not causing issues in a couple's sex life then it's not a problem. Some people think we should all keep to ourselves and only have sex to make babies!

Ok, I understand some people on here feel very strongly about porn, but could we perhaps put things in perspective? We're not talking about a first date dealbreaker here, but a serious, apparently happy relationship with a baby on the way. Ultimatums are hardly helpful or proportionate.

OP, for what it's worth I think your stance on porn is perfectly sensible, but equally your feeling weird about it is understandable especially when you're pregnant. Having a baby really throws your sex life and body image for a loop, so tell your bloke how you're feeling and come to an honest agreement on how you'll handle it. Whether it's talking about his own porn boundaries, a temporary smut hiatus or a longer term ban, sounds like you're close enough to figure it out.

A bit on the fence about the discrete porn use, but i have to take issue with this:

Ffs can't these men leave their bloody genitals alone. It is pathetic!!

A persons body is their own, and if they wish to masturbate what's wrong with that? Women masturbate too. Sometimes to porn. As well as having a sex life with their partner.

As to the OP:

As other posters have said, i think this issue has become bigger for you because you are pregnant. Maybe it's body image, maybe it's feeling vulnerable - 'needing' your partner in a much deeper way now than before - maybe it's a simple change in your own attitude. Maybe it's a bit of all of these things.

Best thing is to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. I would try not to into the convo. with any set in stone ideas about what needs to come out of it for now. Let him know how you feel, and see if he has the answer first.

Yep, it can be quite painful when the porn-tinted spectacles start to come off.

I found it happened to me around the time I was bringing a child into the world.

Somebody's child, somebody's daughter/son, somebody's brother/sister

It gets a lot more difficult to ignore the dark, dark underbelly of the sex industry for the sake of an orgasm. Even harder when you are ignoring it for the sake of someone else's orgasm

OP, I suggest you put your cards on the table and this time be fully truthful. If he really is the Good Guy you say he is, perhaps you could both educate yourself about the abject misery that underpins everything you see on screen

Have you thought about watching it with him? Me and my partner have started doing it to spice things up. He didn't use it our of the ordinary before but he did watch it a few times a week if I wasn't home etc

Er, it is a problem for the op. She has said it is. Why are you telling her it isn't, the enemy?

There is always somebody who says "why don't you watch it with him?"

Some people don't conflate porn/sex/masturbation

Strange as it might seem, it is quite possible to masturbate and/or have a great sex life without the inclusion of filmed sexual abuse

It was a thought. I watch porn if he's not here sometimes. Not often though more like 3 times a month maybe. He watches it when I'm not here so we thought we'd try it.

Don't knock it until..

I do understand its not everyone's cup of tea and I didn't think it would be mine especially when our relationship was new but after years were comfortable enough and keeps it interesting.

OP if you're fully uncomfortable with it just speak to him. Maybe he watches port because he wants sex more than twice a week but doesnt want to pressure you?

Why not just tell him you don't like it?

Is that so absurd?

Sexual abuse?.. Ummm bizarrely over never watched any time of abusive porn. There is soft porn. Female friendly porn. Fetish porn.

Just to let you know I do have a great sex life we don't watch it every time we have sex!!