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Original poster

Another porn one...

67 replies

starrynight99 · 19/10/2015 12:32

I feel a bit stupid posting this, but I need to talk to someone about it, as I'm doing my own head in at the moment! My opinion on porn has always been that it's a problem if it affects the relationship (ie the partner isn't wanting sex) or if seriously dodgy/weird things are being watched, or the partner is wanting to act out everything that's in porn. If it's being used, in moderation, by an adult, then my opinion has always been that there are worse things in life. I know that on this board not everyone has this opinion, which is fair enough, but I'm of the age (late 20's) where everyone I know around my age pretty much had unlimited access to the internet in their teens, and most blokes I know (and quite a few girls) watch or have watched porn.

Anyway, I'm in a really good relationship. Lovely, considerate, brilliant partner who is generally fantastic. We bought a house together recently, are planning on getting married, and I'm pregnant and incredibly happy. We were friends for years before we got together, and quite honestly he's the nicest guy I've ever known. Love him to bits, there are no problems in our relationship at all.

Early on in our relationship I stumbled across porn on his computer. I brought it up with him, because one of the videos had a very dodgy title. He was mortified and apologetic, showed me what it was, and the title was very misleading, it was all quite 'vanilla' stuff. From what I could tell, there was nothing that I would consider to be particularly 'extreme' (previous exes have been obsessed with BDSM / Anal / Teenage stuff, all of which does not float my boat, and the last of which I think is disgusting). The ones I saw all looked quite amateurish and nothing that gave me cause for concern. After this he has been incredibly discrete about whatever he's watching, we had a drunken conversation about it last year, and he was open and said he did still watch it a couple of times a week. He openly admits he's been watching porn since he was a teenager, and seems to have a good balance.

However, despite the fact that I've been absolutely fine with porn usage in previous relationships, it just keeps playing on my mind. It's almost certainly because my bastard emotionally abusive ex (who would be a whole other post on here) was pretty obsessed with porn by the end of our relationship, would sleep on the sofa so he could stay up at night watching it, and had no interest in sex with me for really the last year. The whole relationship gave my self confidence a massive knock.

DP is bloody lovely. He is discrete about any porn he uses, to my knowledge watches nothing weird, has never asked me to do anything I'd consider odd in bed, there are no issues in the bedroom whatsoever and he has never turned me down for sex, we normally dtd twice a week which we both seem happy with.

But it just keeps playing on my mind, I think particularly at the moment since I'm pregnant, my body's changing and my hormones are going nuts. When I go out, or when he gets up early, I do usually think he's probably watching it and I fixate on it. Logically, I feel like I don't want to have a problem with this, because in theory I don't, but I am struggling to let it go. Can't decide if I should talk to him about it or not (he has no idea that I'm feeling like this at the moment, and would likely be lovely if I told him), I feel more like it's my self confidence and insecurity that's the issue.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:28

Wonderer, do you think that people who don't use porn because they have chosen not to have never watched it ?

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:29

Any fucker I don't quite understand what you mean by that? When have I said that in my previous posts?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 19/10/2015 20:30

"If it's not causing issues in a couple's sex life then it's not a problem. "

But it is causing problems isn't it? She feels undermined and undervalued.

I seriously can't imagine watching gorgeous men (not that I wouldn't want to) get naked just for my pleasure if I knew it made OH feel bad. Why on earth would I want to do that?

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:30

So, you have taken personal testimonies that every single person you have watched on a screen that are having sex for money are doing it simply for the love of it, have you ?

How quaint Smile

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:32

I predict a Full House soon

Students paying their way through Uni
You shop at Primark, don't you ?
Lots of other people are exploited in this world, so there is nothing wrong with the sex industry

Etc Etc

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:32

That really is laughable. I actually know a few that genuinely do it because theyenjoy it and that it is very good money.

Me, personally, I don't know how they do it and have the confidence to!

No, I don't think every person that participates in porn is being abused. I think that's ridiculous. There is always other careers out there.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:34

Nobody is laughing but you.

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:36

Gosh, I am fairly sure there used to be better quality porn-defenders on here.

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:37

I'm not a porn defender, never claimed to be.

I just watch it a few times a month, lock me up and throw away the key. Shock

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:39

Knock yourself off out, that's your choice

What pisses me off is when people like you try to guilt others into not listening to their own inner voice that says what they are doing is not acceptable to them

Normalising porn is shit

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:43

Do you not read whole posts? I stated at the end of my first one saying it's not everyone's cup of tea and that if she is fully uncomfortable with porn then she should speak to her OH.

You're just damn rude and contradicting.

I hate how you try to push your views upon everyone else that has a different one to you and verbally attacking them.

Take a leaf out of your own book.

stitchglitched · 19/10/2015 20:45

Some stats show that 70% of women who are trafficked end up in the commercial sex industry which includes porn. Also women in porn have higher rates of history of rape, DV, poverty, child sex abuse and being in care than women not in the industry. Kind of a turn off really.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:47

You might want to get your verbally abusive, troll hunting post withdrawn then, wonderer

It makes you look quite the hypocrite

Wondererer · 19/10/2015 20:58

Not really. I advised of two things she could do.

We live in a world that has choices funnily enough.

Even OP states in her post that she knows many women and men that watch and enjoy porn.. Don't see you attacking her OH or friends Hmm

Well this has made my night, never been trolled before and now I'm sat pondering how fabulous your life just be to attempt.to verbally abuse grown women for watching porn. Logging off now. Toodles.

Joysmum · 19/10/2015 20:58

The OP has every right to express her misgivings. More than that, isn't that what should happen in a living and trusting relationship. To not communicate is hurting the relationship.

...and I say this as someone who isn't anti all porn so I don't have an anti open agenda to push. Wink

People change over time, it's only through full and frank communication that a couple grow together rather than apart.

Indole · 19/10/2015 20:58

In your shoes, I'd be just telling him you feel a bit insecure about it. He does sound perfectly nice and not weirdly obsessed with odd porn or anything. You are pregnant and your body is changing and it's OK to be a bit insecure about that (as long as your partner reassures you in an appropriate and respectful way). If you talked about it, maybe you'd feel better? If you didn't feel better, maybe you would have an idea of what you want to happen in the future and whether or not porn has now become a dealbreaker for you. Either way, I think an honest chat would be positive in terms of you living your life with your new baby in the way you want to which is actually the most important thing at this point.

I had a similar but different issue when I was pregnant. DH had been an occasional (I mean really occasional, like twice a year if that) social marijuana smoker. When I was pregnant, it became important to me that he didn't do that any more. I don't quite know why (as really, twice a year is nothing to worry about - he has a responsible job, drugs never interfered with our life, it was honestly just v occasionally at a party), I think I just realised that we both had to be way more responsible and the drugs had to go, even though it wasn't a regular thing. He was mortified to have upset me and has never used drugs again. You never know, your DP might be just as open to the possibility of changing. If he isn't, much better to open a non-confrontational dialogue now than in three months or six months when you are more upset and probably angrier.

Wtfmummy · 19/10/2015 21:09

Blimey AnyFucker - you've gone off into the deep end here with Wonderer (no pun intended...haha...no, not funny eh?) They have a different opinion to you, that's what happens in life, quit being so emotive and nasty - you're just escalating this to a place it doesn't need to be. The OPs guy has a wank to a bit of vanilla porn ffs.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 21:19

The OPs guy has a wank to a bit of vanilla porn ffs.

Are you addressing that to the OP ? She is the one asking for support.

Allofaflumble · 19/10/2015 21:19

Yes it is his body Eponas but surely he can use his imagination? My goodness how did people ever manage without the porn industry?

Wtfmummy · 19/10/2015 21:27

Nope, I was replying to your posts, you're the one turning this into a sexual abuse issue.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 21:30

I think the risk you take when you view porn that not everyone on screen is fully consenting is a sexual abuse issue

You are getting off on what could be filmed sexual abuse

I don't see any other way to look at the issue. If you (or anyone else) thinks their orgasm is worth that risk, then you should own it.

stitchglitched · 19/10/2015 21:31

If you look at the stats, porn often is a sexual abuse issue. It's users may prioritise their orgasm over the welfare of the people on screen but no need to be derogatory towards those who do care about the women involved.

Joysmum · 19/10/2015 21:39

Don't waste your time wtfmummy, life's too short Wink

EponasWildDaughter · 19/10/2015 21:41

Allo, i quoted the part of your post which said can't these men leave their bloody genitals alone. It is pathetic!!

That statement does not address the issue of porn, it's saying masturbation is pathetic. Which is wrong.

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