Another porn one...

[starrynight99]

I feel a bit stupid posting this, but I need to talk to someone about it, as I'm doing my own head in at the moment! My opinion on porn has always been that it's a problem if it affects the relationship (ie the partner isn't wanting sex) or if seriously dodgy/weird things are being watched, or the partner is wanting to act out everything that's in porn. If it's being used, in moderation, by an adult, then my opinion has always been that there are worse things in life. I know that on this board not everyone has this opinion, which is fair enough, but I'm of the age (late 20's) where everyone I know around my age pretty much had unlimited access to the internet in their teens, and most blokes I know (and quite a few girls) watch or have watched porn.

Anyway, I'm in a really good relationship. Lovely, considerate, brilliant partner who is generally fantastic. We bought a house together recently, are planning on getting married, and I'm pregnant and incredibly happy. We were friends for years before we got together, and quite honestly he's the nicest guy I've ever known. Love him to bits, there are no problems in our relationship at all.

Early on in our relationship I stumbled across porn on his computer. I brought it up with him, because one of the videos had a very dodgy title. He was mortified and apologetic, showed me what it was, and the title was very misleading, it was all quite 'vanilla' stuff. From what I could tell, there was nothing that I would consider to be particularly 'extreme' (previous exes have been obsessed with BDSM / Anal / Teenage stuff, all of which does not float my boat, and the last of which I think is disgusting). The ones I saw all looked quite amateurish and nothing that gave me cause for concern. After this he has been incredibly discrete about whatever he's watching, we had a drunken conversation about it last year, and he was open and said he did still watch it a couple of times a week. He openly admits he's been watching porn since he was a teenager, and seems to have a good balance.

However, despite the fact that I've been absolutely fine with porn usage in previous relationships, it just keeps playing on my mind. It's almost certainly because my bastard emotionally abusive ex (who would be a whole other post on here) was pretty obsessed with porn by the end of our relationship, would sleep on the sofa so he could stay up at night watching it, and had no interest in sex with me for really the last year. The whole relationship gave my self confidence a massive knock.

DP is bloody lovely. He is discrete about any porn he uses, to my knowledge watches nothing weird, has never asked me to do anything I'd consider odd in bed, there are no issues in the bedroom whatsoever and he has never turned me down for sex, we normally dtd twice a week which we both seem happy with.

But it just keeps playing on my mind, I think particularly at the moment since I'm pregnant, my body's changing and my hormones are going nuts. When I go out, or when he gets up early, I do usually think he's probably watching it and I fixate on it. Logically, I feel like I don't want to have a problem with this, because in theory I don't, but I am struggling to let it go. Can't decide if I should talk to him about it or not (he has no idea that I'm feeling like this at the moment, and would likely be lovely if I told him), I feel more like it's my self confidence and insecurity that's the issue.

Any advice?

Snidey little winks say more about you than they do about me, Joy

I think we should all give up. Clearly no one I'd worthy against AnyFuckers sexual standards.

Interesting to note that OP has not commented on this - I wonder if it has gone down a strange sexual abuse route that she couldn't have envisaged...

I don't see how anyone cannot concur with AF here. You just have no way of knowing if you are watching filmed abuse or not.

I have an extremely low opinion of people who view porn on a regular basis. Scumbags is putting it mildly.

Sadly though, it is a sexual abuse issue. For every performer in the porn industry who 'enjoys' and feels 'empowered' by what they do, there are many more who are abused, trafficked, and suffer the long-term consequences of years of body-punishing sex. And you can't tell them apart by watching the porn - it's not like you can check up if the producer is 'reputable' on a free site, which is how the majority of users access it. Porn apologists always wheel out the old chestnut of performers enjoying it. They love to say it empowers women. How can we know whether those performers were abused in childhood and can only feel validated through sex? Some performers may make a lot of money (most don't), which they might feel empowers them, but how empowering is it for my daughters to be subjected on a daily basis to boys who think it's funny to joke about rape and call it 'just banter', and openly express the view that it's their right to have anal sex and ejaculate on a girl's face? Because that's the reality in secondary schools. Because of easy, unrestricted access to free porn where those acts have been mainstreamed. I see the sad results every day at work, and don't buy the 'porn is just harmless fun' myth.

Yep, my "sexual standards" include not taking the (very real) risk that I am getting off on witnessing coerced sexual abuse and not tolerating a partner who does

Shocking stuff

If you do a little bit of research you can find "ethical" porn/feminist producers.
Erika Lust for example makes erotic films with a focus on the female view point. In interviews she has said that many of her performers actually seek her out - they want to work with her. She uses all sorts of different people in her films - some professional porn actors/actresses, some who aren't. Different sorts of body shapes etc.
For some women watching this sort of porn is an exploration of sexuality.
Just saying.
I don't work for her or anything btw!

Fed up I love your name!!

I'd love OP to come back and tell us that actually her partner had been researching ethical porn and the only stuff he used was guaranteed fully consensual material produced by Erika Lust (for example)

Do I think that might be remotely possible ? No.

It's still a male-dominated industry - porn made by men, for men. Mostly 'gonzo' style, designed to get them off quickly and efficiently. No imagination, just pure hardcore. You can always find exceptions, but I'm talking about the mainstream (which is what most men and boys will be accessing). The so-called 'ethical' or 'feminist' producers will barely dent the industry overall - mainly because men have no interest in watching it.

Was just making a point about the sweeping generalisations made about porn.
If the OP is not comfortable with what her partner is watching she should talk to him about it.
It's not me who turned this thread into a debate about porn - just offering a different perspective.

So op -who is uncomfortable with her partners porn use - has been told it is no problem, Ffs it's just vanilla porn and maybe she should join in -

and you think posters shouldn't debate about porn?

Hmm.

Just offering a different perspective as I said.

Also I think maybe one person said she should join in.

Yes they were suggestions from three different posters.

Everyone is offering their own perspectives, clearly.

Yes ok, but the suggestion was my post wasn't relevant.

My point was that in the context of a general debate about porn, it is relevant. Which is what this thread has become.

"I'm really OK with porn but ............(lists all the ways they are starting to think that they actually really aren't OK with porn as it negatively impacts their lives on a personal level)."

I do love these "holy fuck I don't want to be Cool Girl anymore I want to be my true self" threads. It's like bandages are being peeled off the eyes and the OP is standing there blinking in the cold light of the new day.

OP it is fine to change and have new views about this. You don't have to like, accept or even be neutral about porn. You can have a negative opinion about it and share that opinion with your partner.

At the end of the day, any partner whether female or male who puts porn before their real relationship is really a bit sad in my book, especially if they are using it several times per week, I mean for god's sake, is it that fricken good, give me the real deal any day.

As for women in porn loving it, I doubt that very much.