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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If DH came home tonight and said, "I want to get divorced", I would feel relieved

55 replies

AngelicaJolie · 19/10/2015 06:21

Isn't that terrible? But, it's true. I like him as a person, he can be kind, funny, generous. But it's no 'great love'.

The sex life wasn't great from the start and now on the rare occasion it does happen, it's over very quickly and I always fake it. I don't feel I can really 'let myself go' with him. Though I have never really felt that. The sex with previous boyfriends was a lot better. He is not very demonstrative or affectionate.

We don't have any DC. Our clocks are ticking and our families keep asking us 'when?' but there is always a reason - I wonder if subconsciously I've not gone ahead with having them because I always knew we weren't truly compatible.

I want a partner who loves me unconditionally, wants the same things I do, and is someone I can rely on. I don't feel I can rely on him. I always have to remind him to do things, important things e.g. finances, even when they're nothing to do with me. I feel like I do the organising and the planning and thinking for the both of us. I want someone who can share the burden of this.

He has changed the goalposts about what he wants from the future - he is talking about wanting to live abroad (although with no definite plan), whereas I don't.

However, I can and will never get divorced at my own instigation - well not unless and until my lovely DParents are no longer with us. I would be mortified to admit that my lovely wedding (which cost them a fair bob) isn't working. I would be so embarrassed at letting them down.

I wonder how many of us there are out there who feel this way.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2015 06:32

"However, I can and will never get divorced at my own instigation - well not unless and until my lovely DParents are no longer with us. I would be mortified to admit that my lovely wedding (which cost them a fair bob) isn't working. I would be so embarrassed at letting them down".

This is frankly an appalling reason to stay within what is basically a loveless marriage.

Your parents should hopefully support you with any decision that you were to make on your marriage ending; they could be alive for a couple more decades yet and what then for you?.

rumred · 19/10/2015 06:33

No words of wisdom but that sounds like a soul destroying existence. Divorce whilst never easy is pretty common because most of us realise we aren't compatible further down the line, at the very least. Yes it's bloody awful telling people your relationship has ended but the embarrassment passes. Most have been in that boat.
Have you talked to rl friends for support and advice?

WildStallions · 19/10/2015 06:33

Why would you not instigate divorce but be happy if he instigated it?

That's some weird double standards you've got going there.

Life's too short. You made a mistake. Do you really want to live your whole life like this?

annandale · 19/10/2015 06:45

I think every marriage has moments like this but it could be something more.

You're going to keep your H in a relationship with someone who doesn't share his aims in life, out of embarassment? Really?

I know what you mean - I married someone I shouldn't have, and stayed married for 4 years even though it was obvious on the wedding day within 2 years that we wanted different things. I was hoping that I would not have to take responsibility for my own decision to marry. I hoped that he would leave, do something bad, anything. In the end I had to woman up and understand that my life and my decisions were my own responsibility. I left him and hurt him very badly. I was depressed for many months. I found that quite a lot of bad things that were happening in my life were actually nothing to do with him, they were to do with me and my faults. I found, though, that my friends and parents did not judge me because they loved me even though I was far from perfect.

It is not necessarily the right thing to leave your husband - every marriage has terrible down periods. But don't blame your parents for staying in a relationship just because you are scared to stand on your own two feet.

Original poster

AngelicaJolie · 19/10/2015 06:48

I haven't talked about it with any friends (yet).

I would be happy if he instigated it because then I wouldn't feel any of the embarrassment or shame from my family and friends - as it wouldn't be me who set things off.

I have always felt that he thinks he 'settled' for me - I have never felt wholly secure of his absolute love and positive regard for me - and now I think he thinks he has to 'make do'.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2015 06:55

"I would be happy if he instigated it because then I wouldn't feel any of the embarrassment or shame from my family and friends - as it wouldn't be me who set things off".

So that makes it ok then?.

That's just another way of trying to put the responsibility for your life and decisions made within it onto someone else. Its your life, not theirs though. Why is their potential embarrassment and shame so important to you that you would stay within this marriage at all?. I do not think they would really feel a massive amount of embarrassment and shame, perhaps you thinking this is perhaps you transferring your own feelings onto them instead?. If so, your feelings of embarrassment and shame at your marriage ending are totally misplaced; it takes two to make a marriage work after all and it seems you have done the donkey work throughout. You and he are incompatible at heart and want different things. Why can you not let each other go?.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 07:01

So are you just going to be increasingly distant and horrible to him and depressing to be around, until he is forced to end the marriage himself, just so you can say to your parents 'well it wasn't my fault.'?

Because that is cowardly and unfair, and a huge risk because he may never say it and you are wasting your life. You either won't have children or you'll have them with someone you don't love, just to get it out of the way.

Pull yourself together.

Original poster

AngelicaJolie · 19/10/2015 07:05

So are you just going to be increasingly distant and horrible to him and depressing to be around, until he is forced to end the marriage himself?

Are you kidding? I am anything but 'distant and horrible' - I am physically affectionate, I'm kind, I do things for him, I look after him, I'm cheerful, sociable, I organise ALL the lifework - all the groceries, all the cooking, pay the bills, plan the holidays.... You call that being 'increasingly distant and horrible'?

My problem is, it's one-sided. He doesn't make ME feel loved, not the other way round.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 07:05

You're parents may know things aren't right so you leaving wont be a surprise.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 07:06

*So are you just going to be increasingly distant and horrible to him and depressing to be around, until he is forced to end the marriage himself, just so you can say to your parents 'well it wasn't my fault.'?

Pull yourself together.*

Spot on!!!

lighteningirl · 19/10/2015 07:07

You are behaving quite badly hiding behind a mask of being a nice person. You married a man you don't really love and are keeping it going for appearances. Both of you deserve better.

FannyFanakapan · 19/10/2015 07:07

He may feel the same way. But as you have said above, you have to make all the decisions.

So now is the time not to make the decision, but to sit down with your DH and spell out to him that you feel the marriage isn't working. You owe him that much, rather than drifting along for another umpteen years unhappy together. And before you throw in the towel, get some marriage counselling.

WHo knows - your DH may feel eg. emasculated because you dont let him make decisions and you nag him. He may feel eg that you hate sex and knows that you fake it so gets it over and done as soon as he can. He may hate his job and wants to escape to foreign parts because he feels trapped.

But you will never know, because you are not talking to him.

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 07:07

My problem is, it's one-sided. He doesn't make ME feel loved, not the other way round.

Perhaps you don't love yourself and cant recognise when another person does love you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2015 07:08

He does not need you to look after him; he can and should manage by his own self.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up; that question also needs your consideration.

eddielizzard · 19/10/2015 07:10

all i see when i read your post is that this is a marriage you absolutely do not want to be in and don't see a future in, but all you care about is what other people think.

is that the way you want to live your life? what other people think of you is none of your business. stop living this half life and do what you need to do.

have strength and have that conversation: 'how do you feel about our marriage?' and take it from there.

Original poster

AngelicaJolie · 19/10/2015 07:11

Wow, Sansoora, OK. So he has changed the goalposts about the future (wanting to emigrate!), I feel I can't rely on him to support me, he isn't affectionate or loving with me, but I get told I am "distant and horrible" and then other posters such as yourself agree with that.

Nice one. I thought I would get some support here. This place has really changed over the last seven years...!

Wow.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 19/10/2015 07:12

You are getting support. Its not just what you want to hear.

Arfarfanarf · 19/10/2015 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 07:14

Well you might be now but how long can you keep that up for? It's not sustainable, is it? At some point he is going to sense that you don't feel fulfilled. Whether it's his fault for taking you for granted or not being demonstrative enough, or that he 'settled' or not is hardly the point. You can't change his mindset, you can't alter the past, you can only act on how you feel about him now. And I don't think you can sustain this life half lived without ending up bitter, resentful, empty and angry.

You wouldn't be the first person to bail early on a marriage and an expensive wedding because you've realised it was all crashing mistake. And you won't be the last. This notion of shame and embarrassment over it is hardly worth sacrificing your happiness for the next 40 years, is it?

What if your husband feels the same but takes a good few years to leave you? He can conceive easily with someone else - you won't be able to.

Think about that. Stop behaving like some passive observer in your own life and your own destiny.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2015 07:16

I think you are selling yourself well short when you decide that it is preferable for your H to end the marriage in order to save your family and friends feeling supposedly embarrassed for you. Is that also to do with the possibility of you feeling yourself embarrassed at this having ended?.

I wonder also what he feels about being in this marriage. Is he also bumbling along too actually hoping that you will make a decision to end this marriage?.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 07:17

stop living this half life and do what you need to do.

Ha! eddie great minds, I see!

FannyFanakapan · 19/10/2015 07:23

you ARE getting support - but did you come here for everyone to agree with you, or did you actually want some perspective?

You sound very self absorbed and concerned about everyone else's opinions (including ours), instead of focussing on the actual problem - you and DH have moved apart but you wont end it because you are a people pleaser and you don't want to disappoint anyone.

AtSea1979 · 19/10/2015 07:26

OP I think maybe you should arrange a little time out. Have a break.
Then DH can learn to run things for a while and you can decide what's best for you. Being divorced is a massive step.

Lweji · 19/10/2015 07:40

What kind of support do you want?
Just to know there are people out there in the same situation and sit down and moan about your life?
You can certainly do that. Start a new thread and put: just to moan about my life, no solutions wanted.

Or, you could take action and improve your life. Either by talking to your partner, and/or by leaving him.

You really shouldn't stay with someone you're not happy with for the sake of being proud. And,btw, I'd rather dump than be dumped. But you seem to prefer to be seen as a hapless victim rather than someone who has a say in her own life.

Lweji · 19/10/2015 07:41

If you stay like this, chances are you'll get pregnant at some point, and then you really will never escape.

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