If DH came home tonight and said, "I want to get divorced", I would feel relieved

[AngelicaJolie]

Isn't that terrible? But, it's true. I like him as a person, he can be kind, funny, generous. But it's no 'great love'.

The sex life wasn't great from the start and now on the rare occasion it does happen, it's over very quickly and I always fake it. I don't feel I can really 'let myself go' with him. Though I have never really felt that. The sex with previous boyfriends was a lot better. He is not very demonstrative or affectionate.

We don't have any DC. Our clocks are ticking and our families keep asking us 'when?' but there is always a reason - I wonder if subconsciously I've not gone ahead with having them because I always knew we weren't truly compatible.

I want a partner who loves me unconditionally, wants the same things I do, and is someone I can rely on. I don't feel I can rely on him. I always have to remind him to do things, important things e.g. finances, even when they're nothing to do with me. I feel like I do the organising and the planning and thinking for the both of us. I want someone who can share the burden of this.

He has changed the goalposts about what he wants from the future - he is talking about wanting to live abroad (although with no definite plan), whereas I don't.

However, I can and will never get divorced at my own instigation - well not unless and until my lovely DParents are no longer with us. I would be mortified to admit that my lovely wedding (which cost them a fair bob) isn't working. I would be so embarrassed at letting them down.

I wonder how many of us there are out there who feel this way.

The helpful thing about this board is that people say it how it is without sugar coating it. You might not want to hear what they are saying but it will help if you listen.

You have to take responsibility for your own happiness, which means changing the status quo. In your shoes I'd first sit down with DH and have a very full and frank conversation telling him what you have told us. Counselling might be a next step. Ultimately though you have to make a decision, and that might be to go your separate ways.

Good luck. Remember, you both have a right to be with someone who loves and wants to be with you. Staying out of obligation is wasting both your lives.

Having children with him, if that happens, will make you both more tired than you know. If he's not interested in sex much now, he DEFINITELY won't be because you have a child/children together.

My advice from a similar place to you a few years ago is that you'll be able to keep going, but a little of you will die every day because of it. Also, if it's impossible to get divorced now because of your parents, multiply that by 100 when you have kids together and see that he's a good - or good enough - dad.

As an expat, getting divorced overseas, especially with kids is something I've seen happen and it's NEVER been straightforward.

Can you live like this forever? If the answer is no, get out now. Your parents don't have to be happy, they have their own marriage and lives to get their happiness from.

As a parent I can promise you the one thing you want for your kids is for them to be happy. Id be horrified if I thought dd was staying in a marriage like this because she was worried about upsetting me.

Please talk to your parents. Life is short, don't waste it.

However the thing about you sorting all the finances, social stuff, holidays, etc...........ime from talking to friends, etc I would say that's true for a lot of marriages including my own. I don't think my Dh would know who any of utility companies are, I sort the mortgage renewals out, all the insurance, holidays, dds school stuff. The list of unrecognised "wife work" is endless.

Wow you must be lumbered with really shitty parent if you think they'd prefer for you to waste your life away in an unhappy marriage

My mum wanted to leave my dad for years and made all sorts of excuses as to why she wouldn't.

Truth came out later, she wasn't ready to leave and so justified staying rather than building herself up to a point where she could leave.

You're just making excuses for not making the decision. Why on earth would you be in this marriage if you obviously don't want to be? You have no dcs. ...that's what complicates divorce.
You care about what people will think?
I can't believe your parents would want you to be in this situation. And if they care more about appearances..fuck them.
You're not a child.

And if they care more about appearances..fuck them.

There is absolutely no evidence they do. Perhaps they are very nice, very supportive parents, and the OP is using them as an excuse to not leave her marriage.

If you're feeling that he's a nice friend but not the partner you want for life and you kind of wish he'd end it, and suspect he may feel similar, surely it makes sense to thrash this out between you? Each is not quite as happy as they could be, waiting for the other to throw in the towel. He doesn't enjoy being nagged, you don't enjoy having to nag. Your reluctance to move abroad is likely to be mirrored by his frustration at being held back by you. If you're faking it as convincingly as you believe, assuming your DH is a decent sort of fellow (barring the laziness and lack of affection) he may be holding off from splitting out of reluctance to hurt you. Therefore it makes sense to have a serious heart to heart with everything, including the option of a civilised parting of ways, on the table. If it is likely to get a bit heated a skilled couples' counsellor may help to keep things calm and businesslike, but of course even this is something you'd have to agree between you (and on form, you personally would have to organise!).

I tend to disagree with looking at the past as "wasted years" (you've lived it, it can't be wasted any more than it can be un-lived), but the future, once you realise you're just dragging along, that can indeed be wasted.

Blimey. I was going to advise OP to have this moved to relationships but it's already in relationships.

I have no idea why you're being slated OP, or why people have decided you're distant and horrible.

If you think you do want kids though, please start by chatting to your parents. I can't believe they'd want you to stay in a loveless marriage because they paid for the wedding. Maybe if you had perspective on that, you'd feel more confident.

Btw please don't say "this place" as though the whole of Mumsnet were a homogeneous mass. It's an open talkboard where anyone can express an opinion, some wise, some totally off the wall, some harsh but fair, some harsh and completely unfair! You get all sorts. However, when pretty much everyone has been saying, whether robustly or tactfully, that this is your life, your future and your decision, it suggests there may be some truth in that view. I hope you are able to find strength from it rather than feeling overly criticised.

BTW, if you feel that you can't separate because of what they've spent on the wedding, then find a way of repay them (I bet they won't accept, though). But you shouldn't ruin your life because of this.

It is worrying that you are so dependent on how other people view you. I think it's definitely worth counselling for you to sort these issues for you and your future life.

Tell him you're falling out of love and want to spend the next 'whatever period of time' working on the relationship with a view to ending it if you can't reconnect.

I am also surprised by just how harsh some of the responses are to you OP. I think many people end up feeling trapped in a situation which doesn't have an obvious out (eg; he's not violent, or shagging someone else, or has an addiction etc). Going to your parents and saying 'I've just made a mistake and I don't want to be with him anymore' can be a difficult conversation. However, from what you've said they will probably be entirely supportive so long as you are honest about how miserable it is making you.

I agree that you shouldn't be so passive in this. It's no good waiting for him to make the move as, given how much you are doing to make him happy, there's no prospect of him taking the initiative.

Does he know how you feel? Have you said that his lack of responsibility is driving you mad. Not sure I know what 'wife work' is not why you should pander to a man child who needs constant reminders about everything but it's not clear if he knows it's annoying you or whether he assumes you're just happy in the role.

Speak to him. Then, if nothing changes, speak to your parents and get out of the relationship. Don't waste your life (or the rest of your fertile years assuming you do want a child but not with OH).

I also struggle with a lot of people's responses here these days. I think people used to be better at reading between the lines and coming up with insightful observations rather than just flinging the other side of a dilemma back at the original poster. Anyway, I'll try. The situation you are in sounds really tough. But it doesn't sound like you don't love this chap and you are simply staying out of embarrassment. It sounds like things have become very confused and you feel very lonely and isolated in your marriage. It sounds like you feel you are putting a lot in but that you think he doesn't really love you. Perhaps your wish to leave is partly to avoid your feeling of being rejected by him, and be the one doing the rejecting? I expect you know this, but you really might want to think about some therapy, either by yourself or together. If it comes out in therapy that he's unhappy and wants the marriage to end, painful though that is, at least it stops your time being wasted. Finding out a fear is a reality at least stops the agonising uncertainty. And it might be that he is as baffled and hunkered down and being self-protective as you, and wants to be more loving but won't risk it because things seem so cold and distant. Either way, you won't know until the circumstances are set for some brave, honest open talking. But you might need some support for that. Really good luck to you both.

Morris I didn't say she was being horrible and distance now, what I meant was that this is what will happen in the future as she becomes more and more resentful at feeling trapped in something that is not making her happy.

So are you just going to be increasingly distant and horrible to him and depressing to be around, until he is forced to end the marriage himself, just so you can say to your parents 'well it wasn't my fault.'?

Because unless she is some sort of Stepford Wife she will not be able to keep up this pretence forever. And in her opening post it sounded as though her husband was a perfectly nice bloke but she just didn't have any great passion for him, and as if she was only staying out of a sense of guilt/duty and because she feels a bit sorry for him.

Look at what she said:

If DH came home tonight and said, "I want to get divorced", I would feel relieved…...Isn't that terrible? But, it's true. I like him as a person, he can be kind, funny, generous. But it's no 'great love'.

Whereas in her later post she makes him sound completely different and as though it's her who is the one who is making all the effort and he is the one who'd rather not be there.

Are you kidding? I am anything but 'distant and horrible' - I am physically affectionate, I'm kind, I do things for him, I look after him, I'm cheerful, sociable, I organise ALL the lifework - all the groceries, all the cooking, pay the bills, plan the holidays.... You call that being 'increasingly distant and horrible'?

My problem is, it's one-sided. He doesn't make ME feel loved, not the other way round.

Whichever one it is, I've no idea, but it's clearly not going to go the distance without one or other of them ending up miserable, is it?

Pretty harsh and very unhelpful responses on here.

OP - do you think you could talk to him about your feelings?

• your sense that he feels he has settled and doesn't truly love you
• your sense that you do the brunt of the housework etc. why would you want kids with him when you already do so much?
• your joint feelings about children
• your goals for the future &living abroad

There's a lot of big life questions in your post and no communication between the two of you, or so it sounds.

Perhaps in talking you might discover a lot of your preconceptions about how he feels and what he wants could be proved or disproved.

You sound a little 'stuck' at the moment.

And FWIW I don't think it's unusual to feel shame at the thought of ending a marriage, letting down parents etc. But if that is truly what you want you might need to start addressing that. A friend of mine recently had this experience. It's been tough but she did it in the end. And actually they are BOTH happier as a result.

You have taken a step by articulating it on here, to help you clarify your thoughts. Hopefully you can begin to find answers.

I stayed in a relationship in the past much longer than I should have done, partly out of inertia and inability to own my feelings, but also out of fear of hurting others.

His parents were fab and treated me like a daughter, my parents were equally keen on him. We weren't married but I felt so utterly sad about letting our parents down.

Needless to say in the event, both sets of parents were supportive and non judgemental, in fact in my mother's case I was slightly hurt at how breezily she took it.

But yeah, for ages I desperately wished he would cheat on me and take the whole hideous decision out of my hands. I know exactly how OP feels.

My advice, write him a letter.

For your parents, talk to them. They do love you unconditionally, any parent will tell you that.

I think "the wedding cost too much" is the saddestreason I've ever read for keeping a marriage together OP

I realise the advice here didn't come in the form you were hoping for, but read it again.

Even if you are not miserable and brought low by this marriage now, you eventually will be. And resentful that you've worked so hard on t and got nothing back. And potentially trapped by kids / money

You say that you feel he settled for you? But did you settle for him? Why did you marry him?

Thank you for the kinder posts.

Honestly OP I know it's hard to read some of the, shall we say, more forthright ones. But they all come from a place of wanting to help.

I honestly think your parents wouldn't want youto be this unhappy. And they probably know you are already

Sorry to hear this OP .

I don't want to be unkind but I have to say what others have said - you are doing yourself a disservice by staying in a marriage out of obligation to your parents/fear of embarrassment. I'm sure your parents would much, much rather you were happy than that you stayed in an unhappy marriage to please them, surely?

If you won't listen to that, listen to personal experience. My OH got married at 27. By his own admission he knew they weren't compatible even before they got married and after they got married things went completely downhill - they had no interests in the same things, massively different attitudes to money etc, children, general life plans - but he buried his head in the sand because he couldn't bear the idea of splitting up when they had just had this massive expensive wedding, and because he felt ashamed. In the end they were married less than a year and I met him while they were getting divorced (very amicable separation, they just admitted neither of them were really feeling it any more). We have been together for three years now, expecting our first baby and are very, very, very happy together. He frequently tells me how glad he was that he did something about ending his marriage while he was still young etc etc and before they had kids.

His ex is also much happier, she has just got remarried in fact.

Honestly, you deserve to be happy. I urge you - please, please don't stay in something out of obligation or fear of embarrassment.

Our daughters marriage ended after 4 months. I can assure you that the LAST thing we were worried about was the £10k we have them towards the wedding

OP I'm going to be harsh because I have been in your position and I have dealt with an ex husband who changed the goal posts. So I do know how this feels. I made the very hard decision to end my marriage. Not easy but the right thing to do.

I think that you are being cowardly and child like in you're approach to your marriage. You are an adult and should be standing on your own two feet making your own decisions, not relying on someone else to make life easy for you. How are you going to feel in 20 years time if he doesn't say anything? Full of regret at the life you could have had?

Have you considered the fact you may be preventing him from spending his life with someone who truly loves him and wants to be with him?

You need to start making your own life choices. Whilst as adults what our families think is very important to us, it's also important to make our own choices about our lives.

I stayed in a relationship in the past much longer than I should have done, partly out of inertia and inability to own my feelings, but also out of fear of hurting others.

So did I Morris, so I feel qualified to tell the OP that it's a fool's game. My story was pretty identical to maybe's OH, and I was lucky in that by the time we eventually did split up I was still very young so finding the right man to to have a family with was not a problem. The OP might not be so lucky unless she gets her act together and faces up to things.