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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mate has a mistress, female perspective please

99 replies

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:19

I'd appreciate a female (actually and any other males) perspective on this one.

I've got a really good mate, known each other for years so he tells me everything. He's a decent bloke but got himself into a situation....
He's in an unhappy marriage with two kids who he really loves. I know he's tried with his wife but they've grown apart and are just jogging along now. He won't leave his kids but can't see anything changing. He went online and met someone else. He's really happy seeing this other woman when he can and she knows the situation.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Wishfulmakeupping · 18/10/2015 19:22

I think he should grow up and have enough respect for the mother of his children to be honest with her. I would be disgusted with this 'friend'.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 18/10/2015 19:23

I think he's a twat and I hope he gets knob rot.

If he really cared about his kids he'd have the decency to end it with his wife cleanly and honestly and try to avoid as much hurt and confusion as possible.

Instead he's chosen to stick his dick into someone else and carry on with his marriage at the same time.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, otherwise he'd have left his marriage before going online.

Does that help?

Goodbetterbest · 18/10/2015 19:23

As 'the wife' in a relationship in which we 'grew apart' I would say that if your mate put the effort into his marriage that he is putting in to his OW he will save a lot of pain and heartache for those children he supposedly loves.

Don't suppose he's had a conversation about the state of his marriage with his wife before putting his dick into someone else did he?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 18/10/2015 19:24

I think he's a nasty bastard.

Wants his nice home life playing happy families with his kids. Then when his kids are older he leaves his wife? How is that fair on her? This happened to a friend of mine and she was furious that she was dumped in her mid 40s. She said if he'd done the decent thing and finished it ten years earlier it would have given her more chance to move on/meet someone else. Eight years on and she still hasn't had a long term relationship as she says that all the blokes her age or even a bit older are only interested in women ten years younger than her.

Your friend either needs to knock the affair on the head and make a proper go of it with his wife or he needs to leave. He needs to take half the responsibility for an unhappy marriage. Has he put the effort in? Does he compliment his wife, take her out for dinner, pay her attention? He certainly won't be now will he? Now that he's busy shagging someone else.

Angleshades · 18/10/2015 19:24

I predict this is going to blow up in his face. I predict his DW will find out at some point and then things will probably get messy with regards to being kicked out of the house and visiting his dc's. Is a bit of fun with another woman really worth all that?

Fatrascals · 18/10/2015 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Angleshades · 18/10/2015 19:29

Anyway Op why are you asking for opinions on your mate? Are you tempted to do the same? Or is it you in this situation really? Do YOU think it's cool of him to do this?

desertmum · 18/10/2015 19:31

he's a lying, cheating twat who would be kicked off my list of friends - he isn't a decent bloke - decent blokes don't cheat on their wives

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:31

This is why I asked for a female perspective, I've found it really difficult as he's such a good mate otherwise. I know things are really difficult with his wife and he really has tried but she just won't talk about it. He doesn't want to leave the kids though. I really feel for him and we see each other a lot so feel really bad for him.

I know what you're all saying though. It's not fair on her. He really likes the other woman and wants the company.

OP posts:

UrbaneF0x · 18/10/2015 19:31

Yupp, sorry, I can't believe that he went so far as to go on line and look for somebody else before ending the relationship with his wife.

I'm on line and I know it takes a good bit of messaging to get as far as a date, it takes a whole load of dates to maybe click with somebody sufficiently to the point that you both want to meet up again. So it all sounds quite calculated and like he must have put a good bit of time and effort in to mmeting somebody on line.

thundernlightning · 18/10/2015 19:32

Your friend might be a decent bloke but he's certainly not acting like one. He's acting like a selfish coward. If he and his wife have grown apart and the marriage is over, then they need to have talked about that, and come to another arrangement before he starts dating again.

Incidentally, a friend of mine was once the other woman. She said she was fine with it, but actually it destroyed her self esteem, changed her completely, and made her miserable.

niceupthedance · 18/10/2015 19:32

I think he's selfish.

Is he planning on leaving?

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:33

I'm asking because he's a mate and I'm obviously biased but spend a lot of time with him. I don't always know what to say as I know what his wife is like but want to try and help him.

OP posts:

UrbaneF0x · 18/10/2015 19:34

Just be honest. There's no way of getting out of serious relationship without having a few very long and emotional conversations (unfortunately).

The other woman is a fool setting her sights so low. When I'm corresponding with men who say they're separated I ask if the children know you're separated. If the children don't know the man is separated, then they're not separated.

UrbaneF0x · 18/10/2015 19:35

Obviously I'm subtle about it. "a recent separation, a tough time. How did the children take it?'

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:35

He said he'll leave when the kids are older. I don't have kids so can't say but I can imagine it's hard to leave, especially if you're involved with them and think you're not going to see them much.

OP posts:

UrbaneF0x · 18/10/2015 19:35

Camperantics, just leave him to it. Don't wade in to the middle.

UrbaneF0x · 18/10/2015 19:37

That's a really bad idea he has to leave when the children are older. I left my when the children were four and 14 months and for that reason they've been unaffected by the split. At what point will the children suddenly find it easy? And is it easier as a pre-teen than it was at 7? or easier for a young teenager than it would be for an 11 year old. then 18 year olds have important exams!

bigbumbrunette · 18/10/2015 19:38

What is his wife like? Are you sure he's not spun you the same lines about her to you as he's told the OW? I know my husband's OW believed his stories about what a cold hearted, non sexual, bitch I was. All of which, of course, were lies. He played the 'victim' very well.

Cabrinha · 18/10/2015 19:41

Not even fell 'accidentally' for someone but went out and sought it?
I think he's an arsehole.

Stay but don't cheat, or split.

Tell him 50/50 shared care is perfectly doable.

Or are we going to also hear that he's a lazy selfish cheating arsehole who wants 100% of the kids when there's a mother doing the main parenting? But not 50% when he has to step up?

I'm not unsympathetic to the stress of a bad marriage when you stay for kids. I did it.

Never cheated though.

Cos I'm not an arsehole.

museumum · 18/10/2015 19:41

He doesn't want to leave the kids?
Does he have a girl? He's telling her that this is what she can expect in future from her future husband.
Does he have a boy? Is this the kind of example he wants to set for him?

If it's over then it's over. The right thing to do is to call it a day.

Cabrinha · 18/10/2015 19:42

Echo UrbaneFox. My own then 4yo has mirrored other kids I know in coping far better at a younger age.

timelytess · 18/10/2015 19:45

'He doesn't want to leave the kids'.
Fine, let him take them with him.
Oh, that wouldn't fit in with his plans? With his lifestyle with the new woman? What a surprise.
He's a cheat and a liar. Like many men, he's tied one woman down with children and now has moved on to the next (she'll be more 'fun', no doubt).
Staying till the children are older is simply depriving his wife of her remaining years of youth and opportunity. Its another control mechanism - an 'I don't want you but I'm staying until I think no-one else will, either' strategy.

tribpot · 18/10/2015 19:47

You say he got himself into a situation.... as if he sort of fell into it by accident. Yet he went online and deliberately sought out no strings sex.

My parents split when my brother and I were just a bit younger than Urbane's kids and I would agree, it was easier in that I have no real memories of them together - it was my 'new normal' almost immediately.

If he's prepared to make some sacrifices at work there's no reason why he can't go for 50:50 care of his kids. I know I would be devastated to only have my ds with me 50% of the time but it doesn't have to be a question of every other weekend.

He also has the option of asking his wife for an open relationship. Who knows, this kind of balance of domestic life and fun might suit her - either for her to indulge in as well, or for him to do with her knowledge. There are MNers who live in these rather uneven open relationships, i.e. where only one party is playing away - but if everyone's happy it can be made to work.

However, he's denying his wife all of these choices by making one for her, the one where he gets to have his cake and eat it. The one that humiliates her the most.

Beyond telling him that, and refusing to do anything that condones the relationship (discussing it, providing alibis) I'm not sure what else you can do. If you think he might be practising unsafe sex I think you have a responsibility to tell the wife for her own health.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 18/10/2015 19:55

Agree with what's been said.

If he is unhappy then he should speak to his wife and they should separate.
The split should be as amicable as possible.
It will hurt his dc far more the longer he leaves it. There was a woman on TV the other night saying how devastated she was at 18 when her parents split up. Years own the line she was still badly affected by it.

There is no point in him staying if he is seeking out other women.

The other thing us what will his wife think about you if she finds out you know what he is doing?

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