Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My mate has a mistress, female perspective please

99 replies

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:19

I'd appreciate a female (actually and any other males) perspective on this one.

I've got a really good mate, known each other for years so he tells me everything. He's a decent bloke but got himself into a situation....
He's in an unhappy marriage with two kids who he really loves. I know he's tried with his wife but they've grown apart and are just jogging along now. He won't leave his kids but can't see anything changing. He went online and met someone else. He's really happy seeing this other woman when he can and she knows the situation.
What do you think?

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 18/10/2015 20:49

Of course his DW will give him a hard time when/ if she finds out! Unless she already knows what a shit he is and is gathering strength to fuck him off.

Putting up with him and his never being there, being secretive and of course his mate ( you) covering for him. I bet you won't be invited over for dinner. You're the cover story and you might slip up. How does that make you feel?

He's telling you about it because he wants someone to know he is shagging elsewhere and he is cool with that. And yes, he does still sleep with his DW, and I expect he is also expecting her to organise Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas and NYE. After all, he's busy eh?

SoupDragon · 18/10/2015 20:50

so at least he's there to take the kids out when he's not working

Working or shagging someone else. Who is looking after the children he loves so much whilst he's busy screwing another woman?

He is a complete wanker.

RomiiRoo · 18/10/2015 20:53

I would be short-tempered too if my 'husband' was off having regular drinks with his mate (you) and also finding time to go online and meet OW.

It is all excuses - if he had been home to parent his children; plus got a sitter to take his wife somewhere nice regularly, he might be looking at a different situation.

The only situations where philandering men end up happily ever after with OW is where the woman sets the bar for both herself and him lower than the wife, I think - and how happy is that?

Honestly, I am sure your intentions are good but this man sounds like a self-serving idiot

tribpot · 18/10/2015 20:56

She'll give him a hard time because he's fucking someone else. Not rocket science, is it?

She'll probably struggle less with the kids when they're doing 50:50 care - I assume he is prepared to do that, given he is 'nobly' willing to stay in the family house and enjoy the comforts of home 'for his family' too.

Btw no-one's actually said he should leave his mistress and go back to his wife, just that he should make an honest choice and respect his wife enough to let her do the same. But I guarantee within ten years you'll be back in this same position when he's cheating on his now-mistress, then-wife, because she's "changed" and he "can't go through another divorce".

NumbBlaseCold · 18/10/2015 21:00

Just remember you only hear his side of the story.

Our friend told us he really tried too.

He really tried to seek other women and while yes there were issues on her side too, the main one was his not putting effort into the relationship and making her paranoid and feel unloved.

It was only after hearing his 'i tried' side many many times and believing it (he sounded very sincere and not the scumbag we now know him to be) that we knew hers.

The coward tried to deny it, but eventually the truth caught up.

The only thing you know for sure that your friend has tried is to seek out an OW.

He would be a better dad to separate from his wife and treat her and his children fairly.

How much will this impact on his wife's self esteem and how much will it hurt her and turn her world upside down to learn he is cheating? (which will impact on the kids)

Far less than if they separated or arranged an open marriage.

Plus he puts her at risk if he starts sleeping around too.

donajimena · 18/10/2015 21:10

I'm sure others are thinking it but I do wonder if you are the 'mate'.
As has been said above your 'mate' should do the honourable thing. Make a fucking decision. Sure she will upset and it will be complicated but it really does both parties a favour. 'Mate' gets to chase as many women as he likes and wife will recover and move on to a better man or fully embrace a single life without deceit.
I know a few people who were coasting along in shit relationships who happened upon affairs they were both pretty much given an ultimatum that they end their current relationship or it was game over.
In an ideal world they would have been strong enough to end a relationship that wasn't working full stop whether or not another person was on the horizon but hey ho..
They are still together and their exes have found happiness (eventually)
The most galling thing about your story is that he actively sought another woman. For that he is an utter cunt who deserves to live in a bedsit.

00100001 · 18/10/2015 21:17

ERM

Isn't it obvious

OP is the other woman!

00100001 · 18/10/2015 21:18

Or the "mate" as others have said.

RomiiRoo · 18/10/2015 21:19

I did wonder this too...

thedancingbear · 18/10/2015 21:20

Not sure why some people are getting antsy with the OP.

From my point of view (as a feller) there's no world in which what you're mate has done is acceptable. Shit happens sometimes, but that doesn't make it okay. And the fact that he's gone looking for it in a calculated fashion, rather than it happening on the spur of the moment, makes it worse imo.

Also, in case you're wondering, I can tell you that this board tends to respond in like fashion when the genders are reversed - where it's the wife cheating on the husband. A 10-minute mosey round will confirm that.

00100001 · 18/10/2015 21:28

There's never an excise to cheat on someone.
That's the best advice you can give.

Now, he needs to sort his life out. Decide if he wants to end things with wife, or try again. Either way, he has to tell the truth.

He might "love his kids" but its clear his sexual needs come before his kids. Nice.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 18/10/2015 21:29

Your "mate" is a cunt.

Ummm

Nope, got nothing else

loveyoutothemoon · 18/10/2015 21:39

I think the OP is the 'mate' too!

Dadof2wo · 18/10/2015 22:20

Sounds like he has the backbone of a bloody wet wipe. Tell him to do the decent thing and tell his wife, he will have to accept whatever she decides happens after.

ConferencePear · 18/10/2015 23:15

You say this 'mate' spends a lot of time with you. Presumably he spends a lot of time with the OW too. Perhaps he should try spending more time at home and making a greater contribution to the lives of the children you say he loves. You never know what the result might be.

ohgiveusabreak · 18/10/2015 23:26

Im actually leaving this message for you and not for your friend. You seem like an ok bloke and I know you don't have a wife or kids now but at some point you might.

Why is it that men think when women become short tempered and knackered, loose sight of themselves that the ok thing to do is have an affair? Why is it justified if you have kids but your wife is always on at you and nagging and generally losing the plot.

I know you don't have a wife or kids now but you will one day, and these attitudes are bred through society. One person thinks its ok so the next does ect. You might think your "mate" is ok but you're only getting his side to it. Im not having a go at you because you don't have the experience at all but having children is the biggest thing that can happen to a woman. Ive been a stay at home parent and a working parent and the stay at home role is definitely more mentally challenging. Men get to come and go as they please, spend their time with friends still, go to work, speak to other adults. I know kids are fun but 24/7 responsibility is draining sometimes and without someone who is supportive of that by your side you physically can't on top of that properly take care of yourself and stay intimate with your husband.

Im saying it because I really hope that when the time does come that your wife has children, you would ask yourself why she was the way she was before looking elsewhere. Because far too many men are more than happy to impregnate a beautiful woman, let her burn herself out taking care of the home the husband and the children and then run for another one when she's no longer as attractive or attentive as she was.

meditrina · 18/10/2015 23:36

Rare that there is such a level of unanimity.

I hope your 'mate' listens.

It's hard to realise your 'decent' friend is actually a shit. But that's nothing compared to the damage he's already doing (by putting his time, money and attention outside his family) and the potential for utter devastation in the future.

MacTaylorsSecretWife · 18/10/2015 23:37

OP, are you the OW?

aBrightNewDay · 18/10/2015 23:49

If the OP isn't the OW I will eat my hat.

meditrina · 19/10/2015 07:08

Oh, yes, we had an OW who would post at weekends and holidays. Presumably because she couldn't see him, so instead went in for talking about him.

No idea if this is the same poster. If it is, I hope you realise that, no matter what angle you come at it from, this man is being an utter shit.

RomiiRoo · 19/10/2015 09:20

Brilliant post, ohgiveusabreak, and love the user name. YY to what you say.

TheMarxistMinx · 19/10/2015 09:53

Seems odd to me, people have affairs when they are unhappy in their marriage...but all it actually serves to do is make them even more critical of their spouse, because they have something to compare them to.

Having an affair doesn't make a bad marriage any more bearable, if anything the contrast between the two worlds becomes greater and it becomes insufferable.

I am not married and none of it touches on a nerve for me, so putting aside the moral indignation and judgement of previous posts, I have only to say: that your mate will not find happiness in what he is doing.

babarthefuckingelephant · 19/10/2015 20:26

aBrightNewDay

Daenerys2 · 19/10/2015 21:11

Why is everyone being so hostile? I've never posted before and no wonder when people are so vocal.

Morganly · 19/10/2015 21:25

Because we are angry about how the deceived wife in this situation is being treated. Her life is being destroyed by this horrible, cruel and selfish man but she doesn't know that yet. She will find out in several years' time when he swans off into his lovely future leaving the wreckage of his wife and marriage behind.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread