Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My mate has a mistress, female perspective please

99 replies

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:19

I'd appreciate a female (actually and any other males) perspective on this one.

I've got a really good mate, known each other for years so he tells me everything. He's a decent bloke but got himself into a situation....
He's in an unhappy marriage with two kids who he really loves. I know he's tried with his wife but they've grown apart and are just jogging along now. He won't leave his kids but can't see anything changing. He went online and met someone else. He's really happy seeing this other woman when he can and she knows the situation.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:57

I'm sure he's safe with the sex.
It probably would do them all a favour if his wife found out (I'm not going to tell her). He says she struggles with the kids which is why he doesn't want to leave them. I know what he's doing isn't right. As a guy, I can see how it's happened and she'll give him a hard time.

Yeah, I have wondered if this will be worse for the kids when they get older. He doesn't think they really notice what goes on though.

OP posts:

Onedirectionarestillloved · 18/10/2015 19:57

Oh and just to clarify from a woman's point of view I would much rather my husband was honest with me and pissed off sooner rather than later.
My resentment would be much, much deeper the longer he deceived me.

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 19:59

Okay, I hadn't thought about what his wife might think if she thought I knew, probably far from happy. Really want to help him though as I've known him for years.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 18/10/2015 20:05

Well, all the time he's spending "enjoying the company" of the OW, he could be spending bf with his children and helping his wife out with them, couldn't he.

He sounds like a swell guy.

Goodbetterbest · 18/10/2015 20:08

Is he pulling his weight at home? Given he is so selfish and out for himself, I wonder if he is leaving the childcare/housework/shit mundane stuff to his wife, which in itself is a massive turn-off and destructive to his relationship, just as fucking someone else so he feels good about himself is. I doubt he truly cares about his wife, or his kids. She's their mother for fucks sake. He is letting everyone down. They will never forget what he's done.

niceupthedance · 18/10/2015 20:09

Why do you think you can help him? It's his business.

SurferJet · 18/10/2015 20:16

You're not responsible for what your friend gets up to in his personal/romantic life.

Let him get on with it.

AyeAmarok · 18/10/2015 20:18

You can help him by continuing to keep his secret for him, and allow yourself to be used as a decoy when he wants some time with OW behind his wife's back, and by chatting with him about how much fun he's having with OW and how great that is for him, and reinforcing the idea that he's such a good guy because he's doing all this for his children. Just like you have been. There's a good dog.

Makes you a bit of a dick too though

Chillyegg · 18/10/2015 20:18

Your friends and cunt.

What I'm most curious about is why are you asking us?
What will you gain from our opinions? I doubt anyone is going to say"oh no poor little snow flake your poor friend."
He's treating women as commoditys. Disgusting.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2015 20:20

If you really want to 'help him', then tell him he's being a prick of the first order and that he needs to either quit the side bit and try to fix what's wrong in his marriage or he needs to be honest with his wife, tell her he no longer loves her and is unhappy and that he is leaving the marriage. Then he needs to be prepared to do his part financially as well as emotionally to protect and nurture his children.

You say you 'know' his wife. You only know what he tells you or what she does in public. You do NOT know what goes on or what is said behind closed doors. The reality of their marriage may be very much different to what it appears. Unless, of course, you are the 'friend' and it's your own situation you're asking about.

VikingVolva · 18/10/2015 20:24

"He said he'll leave when the kids are older."

This is one of the shittiest things imaginable.

He's not a nice guy any more.

If he was, he would give his DW the same chances of emotional fulfilment he is taking. She's not a domestic appliance, but a person who deserves the basic respect of fair dealing. Let her move on now as he is doing. Not waste years more of it on someone so spineless that he cheats.

RomiiRoo · 18/10/2015 20:26

'She struggles with the kids'??
How much does he do to help??!!

Agree he sounds awful - if his wife struggles with the children, she needs a supportive partner, not one who looks elsewhere. Honestly, no respect for the man. I couldn't condone this in a friend; it would seriously undermine the friendship.

What he is saying is that his wife is not worth the honesty and openness about the situation; ditto the children - yet, he is dressing it up as doing it for their benefit as their mother would struggle without his presence (psychological and emotional absence really)

RomiiRoo · 18/10/2015 20:28

OP, wondering if you are married and have DC? Surely there is nothing to ask here, really

AskBasil · 18/10/2015 20:29

He's disgusting.

He's not a decent bloke.

He will be lying to his wife, deceiving her, gaslighting her, denying that something's wrong when she KNOWS there is something wrong, making her think she's going mad, making her second guess herself... she may well have an inkling what's going on and feel awful about it, not know what to do.

Do a search on the relationship boards - Husband Affair - and find out what cruelty is inflicted on someone when their OH has an affair.

She finds it hard with the children because she'd doing all the parenting herself. He clearly has enough time to go online and get jiggy with another woman, she doesn't. If he had 50:50 custody, she wouldn't find the children so difficult to manage, would she? She'd have enough time to go on the internet and find a far more decent bloke than your shitty friend.

Gabilan · 18/10/2015 20:32

As a guy, I can see how it's happened and she'll give him a hard time

It's not about whether you're male or female. You don't get a special insight into fidelity because you're female, or a deeper understanding of why you cheat because you're male. It's about whether or not you're strong enough and moral enough to do the right thing by your partner.

Your "mate" is weak and cowardly. That's how this happened. Don't kid yourself it's a guy thing.

KurriKurri · 18/10/2015 20:32

OK
You don;t 'know' the situation with his wife unless you live in their house and share their bedroom - you know what he has said to you and the public impression he conveys about things.

He is married yet he actively looked for another relationship - if he doesn;t wan to be with his wife, then he should tell her and leave her, then he is free to pursue other relationships - he is doing it the wrong way round - no decent person does this.

He's keeping his options open - of things don't work out with the new woman(and they probably won't -it's not a real relationship, it secretive and illicit and therefore falsely exciting, that will change if he is free) he keeping his wife in reserve - that is shabby and disgusting way to treat another person.

He isn't giving his wife a choice. She may well not want to be with a man who shags random women he meets on the internet, she might find the very thought of it repulsive, but he's not giving her the option of leaving because he's lying to her. I presume that although things aren't working with his wife he still sleeps with her, (although he probably tells other woman and any one who will listen that he isn't) - that's having sex with someone without them having all the information they need to make a clear and informed consent. If she knew he shagged internet randomers, his wife might well not consent to sex with him. I find deceiving people into sex an utterly disgusting and shameful thing to do to someone.

Your friend sound like a total arsehole. His life will probably go totally tits up and he will have serious regrets about his actions - these thing sr arely turn out well. And his kids will suffer.

If he and his wife split because they talked like adults and jointly agreed to part, then they could be friends, the kids would be upset but would adjust.The way he is doing it will lead to terrible heartache for all concerned.Except the 'other' woman who will find herself a replacement ten a penny shagger online and get on with her life.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 18/10/2015 20:32

TBH if he was really thinking about the children, he would think about how finding out their dad was cheating would devastate, hurt and wound them. But he's not really thinking of the kids with this, is he. It's all about hi. And his needs.

Selfish.

AskBasil · 18/10/2015 20:34

But of course he wouldn't do his fair share of parenting his own kids, that wouldn't fit in with the love nest, would it.

What a piece of shit. And you are so bloody indulgent of it because he is a man. Just imagine that she was doing this to him. Imagine that she had the job and the financial power and he was doing most of the parenting, bringing up her kids for her and she was out shagging someone else and planning to leave him with a hugely reduced income when he was middle aged and at a massive disadvantage in the job and romance market because he'd made most of the career sacrifices.

You'd think she was a dreadful old slapper wouldn't you? But you think he's a decent guy. How lucky it is for your friend, that the bar to be considered a decent person is so low when you have a penis rather than a vagina.

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 20:35

I don't want to lose him as a friend over this but it's useful to get others opinions. We don't talk much about it but go for a drink regularly so of course I want to help him. I can see he's burying his head in the sand about his situation. I have heard of guys meeting the right person through an affair though so I don't want to give him the wrong advice.

His wife doesn't work so she is doing most of the stuff at home.
He says she's short tempered so at least he's there to take the kids out when he's not working.
I think I know what I should be saying to him now though. He needs to get his head out the sand.

OP posts:

Original poster

CamperAntics · 18/10/2015 20:36

I don't have wife or a child so I'm not in a position to comment from any experience.

OP posts:

flippinada · 18/10/2015 20:36

"He says she struggles with the kids which is why he doesn't want to leave them"

Aye right. Where are the kids he cares about so very much while he's off shagging his bit on the side, then?

SharkSkinThing · 18/10/2015 20:37

Well said, Gabilan.

But yes, sorry, my own female perspective is that your friend is a total cunt and needs to talk to his wife.

From the sounds of it he doesn't sound like much of a husband and she'd be better off without him.

lavenderhoney · 18/10/2015 20:38

I'm not surprised she struggles with the DC. Doing it all I expect, what with her dh online dating and finding the time to meet and talk to you - op, you say you spend lots of time with him. He is also presumably thinking about and spending lots if time with his ow. That's not much time left for looking after DC, helping with housework/ planning and organising his DC lives and being lovely to his DW.

It's bollocks he doesn't want to leave his DC. He's already gone, in his head.

I expect the reality of having them on his own at weekends and a couple of nights during the week, plus having to do his own washing and shopping has had some part in his staying. Oh, and having to pay maintenance, find somewhere else to live, pay for divorce, share assets... I suspect the ow won't find him quite so attractive then.

Rivercam · 18/10/2015 20:45

Leaving his wife doesn't mean he will loose his kids. He can still be a good dad, even if he's not living in the family home. At what stage in the future does he plan to leave, as there is never a good time. If he wants to separate, it's better to do it sooner, so everyone can move on.

flippinada · 18/10/2015 20:46

If I had a partner who spent his free time online dating and going out for self indulgent whiney drinkathons with his friends while I was looking after everything..I think I'd be feeling short tempered as well.

Do you know, I hope she finds out, chucks the whiney self absorbed twat out on his arse and takes him to the cleaners. Her and the kids will undoubtedly be better off in every way.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread