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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Messed up situation - Please read :(

51 replies

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 13:39

I'm a single mum to my 1 year old dd. Her dad and I broke up earlier this year but have still been acting like a couple despite living an hour away from each other. He stays over every weekend and sleeps on the couch/blow up bed and we occasionally sleep together. He tells me he loves me and I love him too but we'be had a lot of issues. We were friends for a long time before we got together and he was never someone I thought I'd end up with but it happened and we found out I was pregnant 2 years into the 'relationship' - we were on and off for a while.

I had an awful pregnancy due to antenatal anxiety/depression and then after dd was born, I unsurprisingly suffered with PND. I'm now on medication and have therapy so I'm getting back to my normal self. I lost my mum a year before I became pregnant so that was a huge contributing factor.

Anyway fast forward to now and I'm in a bit of a mess. Since we broke up, we've both assummed that one day we'd get back together and couldn't picture a future any other way. However, I know without a doubt that I want another baby in a few years whereas he's adamant that he doesn't want any more children. There are other issues too - we don't have much in common, we disagree on a lot of things and he's very jokey/sarcastic whereas I'm more serious (his words). I would say I'm more mature. We're 26 and 27 by the way.

Last night I asked him what we were doing and whether he thinks we'll ever get back together. He said he assumed we would but also admitted that we're kidding ourselves because we don't fit together and obviously the 2nd baby thing is a huge factor. But then he asked why I had to bring it up now and why I couldn't wait until after Christmas because it won't be as good now we know we're never getting back together. I had to know though. I can't keep pretending and not knowing where I stand. I need to know whether I'm a single mum and whether I will continue to live in this house with our dd or whether we'll all be together as a family soon.

I just feel so crap about everything and need some opinions or advice? I know this was a long read.

OP posts:

StickyProblem · 18/10/2015 13:55

Sounds like you need to face the painful truth that you two have broken up. Arrange how he will see your DD, stop letting him stay over, and stop sleeping with him, it will be hard but it's the only way you'll be able to move on. Right now you are stuck in limbo, not single but not in a relationship with a future.
Hope things get better for you soon.

RedMapleLeaf · 18/10/2015 14:07

I'm really sorry because this will hurt, but I think that sticky's advice is spot on.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/10/2015 14:11

Sorry hes using you. If hes immature, you`re not helping. He turns up, get sex, see DD, free to be single.for another week. Stop.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 18/10/2015 14:19

You need to stop sleeping with him and move your relationship to co-parenting and friend zone only.

Once you've established that you will find your head clears and it will also free you up to move on and find happiness elsewhere with someone who's a better fit for you and who wants the same kind of future.

Be very clear and firm with him that this is your decision and it's not up for discussion. On the topic of Christmas tell him that there's absolutely no reason why you won't enjoy it, but that sex will not be on the agenda.

expatinscotland · 18/10/2015 14:21

You have split. You need to find someone else to have another baby with.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 18/10/2015 14:48

You certainly don't sound any more mature than him.

Get over it and move on.

Floggingmolly · 18/10/2015 14:52

How is it possible to have split with someone; yet both of you remain convinced you'll get back together "sometime"?? . That is really bizarre.

You can bet he had no such illusions...

MatildaTheCat · 18/10/2015 15:29

Be nice, people.

Sorry, OP but what Stcky said in the first reply is the best solution.whilst you continue with this FWB type situation you cannot move forwards. Can you discuss with your therapist?

If you can feel strong as a single person and parent you will be much more likely to ultimately meet someone who is a 'good fit' at which point you will realise what a poor imitation of the 'real thing' this relationship is.

Original poster

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 16:29

How is it possible to have split with someone; yet both of you remain convinced you'll get back together "sometime"??

Denial? I don't know.

I don't want to admit that we didn't work and that my dd will grow up without us all together as a family. I can't imagine every meeting anyone again even though I know I'm only young. I'm more comfortable with my own company than I used to be and I do enjoy being a single mum despite how hard it is but I would love to have someone to snuggle up on the sofa with and have chats with etc. Most importantly I want someone who will accept that my dd comes first no matter what. It just all seems impossible.

My ex told me I should have waited until after Christmas before bringing it up but I just feel so confused. I asked him whether he would ever be interested in a woman who already had kids and he said although he wouldn't go looking for someone who had children, it wouldn't put him off. So why is he willing to accept someone else's children in the future but won't consider having another child with me and giving our dd a sibling?!

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 18/10/2015 16:34

Because he doesn't want to be with you, OP. I'm sorry but that's the truth. He visits as often as he does to see his DD, and sleeps with you because you let him.

Let's be real, if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you and moved an hour away. I know that sounds harsh but why on earth are you still sleeping with him when you're not together and have so many problems?

The whole situation is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 16:38

So when he says he loves me and that I'm beautiful etc is he just bullshitting me? It all feels so convincing and I do believe he loves me. Am I being naive?

I don't know why I sleep with him. I don't even enjoy it. I think I do it to try and win him over and to make him want me back. Pathetic I know.

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 18/10/2015 16:42

I just think if he loved you and wanted to make things work, he'd be with you. He says what he says because it gets him what he wants - to see his DD and to sleep with you when he fancies it.

I know it's a horrible thing to hear and I know you love him, but what would you say to a friend in your situation? Surely it would be kinder all round for you to break it all off for good. Let him come to see DD (no more sleeping over or sleeping together) and that's it. You can be co-parents without the rest of the complications.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/10/2015 17:40

So you dont have someone snuggle up, chat to, or share parenting now! You have a border who gives you crap sex. He likes this arrangement. If the sex is bad stop doing it. See where that gets you.... you dont have too. You will be beautiful to a more giving man.

RiceCrispieTreats · 18/10/2015 17:52

He might think he loves you, OP. But clearly not enough to be committed to you, to be straight with you one way or another. Instead, he has you dangling on the end of a string. That's not love.

Stop giving him the power to decide your fate. You want a partner in the true sense of the word, and another child. This man is NOT a true partner, nor does he want another child with you.

Be brave and be the one to say no, to set new boundaries where he doesn't sleep over and you don't have sex with him. And start building the life that YOU want, for yourself.

Original poster

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 18:08

I know you're all right. I'm just so scared of saying no you're not staying over. He'll want to take dd away and I don't want him to. I know that's unreasonable of me.

I don't have many people in my life so it's really daunting cutting contact with him too.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 18/10/2015 18:14

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. So- tell him no more sleepovers - which must confuse your dd- and he really ought to start taking her out or for the weekend because you are separated. He even talks to you about future gf! He won't suddenly think he wants to live with you and be the partner you want and need.

I do think you are in denial because it's easier than dealing with some weekends alone and organising your time. And wouldn't it be nicer to be with someone who wanted to be with you? Don't have another baby with him.

Just contact him re your dd, and ignore otherwise. Make other arrangements for when he has your dd - not at your house! And you will feel better and free of this man.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 18/10/2015 18:18

If your DD is only 1 she might be too young for overnights yet, but why can he not take her out on his own? Surely he can come and pick her up, take her to the park or to soft play and bring her home for her nap later? But you can't keep this non-relationship going just because you don't want him to take DD out on his own. DD has a right to a relationship with her father and you don't need to be a part of that.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 18:23

You don't like him much, you don't like sex with him, you don't want to be with him, you just want a baby.

C'mon- you're a young women with a whole load of adventures and love and children ahead of you. Don't settle for this nothingness just out of fear.

RedMapleLeaf · 18/10/2015 18:38

It's ok to feel scared of change. And I can see how the current set up was working for you in the interim. But it's not working for you any longer. I'm sure he does think you're beautiful and I'm sure he does love you in a way. But it sounds to me as though that's not enough for you any longer. I get the impression that you want a true partner who is in the relationship full time. I think you're starting to realise that that's not going to happen whilst you're in this set up with this man.

Cabrinha · 18/10/2015 18:56

Come on woman, the sex isn't even any good!
You're not being more mature than him I'm afraid.
Are you still doing the therapy? I'd address why you're clinging on to him as a priority because it will just keep fucking your head up in the immediate term.

Original poster

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 19:24

The sex is good in itself but because I want more and I'm hoping he does then it's kind of ruining it for me because it just feels like I'm being used. And I enjoy the intimacy.

Still doing therapy but mainly due to my mums death. I'm sure it's all linked though.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 19:55

Oh op, I lost my mum in my 20s. Awful isn't it.
The first thing I did was grab onto the very casual guy I was seeing.
This was a mistake and took me years to extricate myself from.
You know you and this fella aren't in love/in love. You know he's not right and you even know why you're clinging on. Let him go. Focus on you, your dd, your work, something fun for a few years- you can't make a family out of pieces that won't fit as a family...

TheMarxistMinx · 18/10/2015 19:59

I can empathise with the feeling alone in the world. My mum died three years ago and despite having Dcs, an ex-Dp who is ever present, a fab Bf and some great friends I still have those moments when I feel alone in the world.

This statement about not bringing things up until after Christmas seems to me to be some sort of stalling tactic. Like others have said it would seem he is enjoying the single life mon-fri and it probably considering his options. One of those options could involve being free to date and meet other women.

I think you have to give him an ultimatum, either he loves you and wants to make it work, in which case it can only be if he is prepared to actually have a relationship and be with you, or he co-parents and finds sex elsewhere.

Original poster

missinconspicuous · 18/10/2015 20:24

Yep he was just a friend who I had a one night stand with but then my vulnerability and grief made me cling to him and I was too low to let him go. I don't regret any of it because I have my dd and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me but I know deep down he's not right for me. He never was.

I kind of did give him an ultimatum and he said we could only give it another go if I agreed not to have any more children. He even said he'd have a vasectomy to make sure it wouldn't happen by mistake but afterwards said it was a 'joke'. I don't think it was.

OP posts:

TheMarxistMinx · 18/10/2015 20:59

If you "know" he isn't right for you, then you know what you have to do!

As regards his choice of not wanting anymore children...did he want your DD? You can either compromise or not, only you know how important it is to you to have more children. You are of course still very young so it would be a bit silly to agree to his terms unless you know you could abide by them for the long haul.

As regards him threatening to have a vasectomy,...call his bluff, he probably wouldn't go through with it. And yes he is now sounding very immature.

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