Messed up situation - Please read :(

[missinconspicuous]

I'm a single mum to my 1 year old dd. Her dad and I broke up earlier this year but have still been acting like a couple despite living an hour away from each other. He stays over every weekend and sleeps on the couch/blow up bed and we occasionally sleep together. He tells me he loves me and I love him too but we'be had a lot of issues. We were friends for a long time before we got together and he was never someone I thought I'd end up with but it happened and we found out I was pregnant 2 years into the 'relationship' - we were on and off for a while.

I had an awful pregnancy due to antenatal anxiety/depression and then after dd was born, I unsurprisingly suffered with PND. I'm now on medication and have therapy so I'm getting back to my normal self. I lost my mum a year before I became pregnant so that was a huge contributing factor.

Anyway fast forward to now and I'm in a bit of a mess. Since we broke up, we've both assummed that one day we'd get back together and couldn't picture a future any other way. However, I know without a doubt that I want another baby in a few years whereas he's adamant that he doesn't want any more children. There are other issues too - we don't have much in common, we disagree on a lot of things and he's very jokey/sarcastic whereas I'm more serious (his words). I would say I'm more mature. We're 26 and 27 by the way.

Last night I asked him what we were doing and whether he thinks we'll ever get back together. He said he assumed we would but also admitted that we're kidding ourselves because we don't fit together and obviously the 2nd baby thing is a huge factor. But then he asked why I had to bring it up now and why I couldn't wait until after Christmas because it won't be as good now we know we're never getting back together. I had to know though. I can't keep pretending and not knowing where I stand. I need to know whether I'm a single mum and whether I will continue to live in this house with our dd or whether we'll all be together as a family soon.

I just feel so crap about everything and need some opinions or advice? I know this was a long read.

If he doesn't want any more children, or any more children with you, that's his right.

Yes he was more excited than me when we found out I was pregnant - it took a while to sink in for me. Dd was very much wanted.

Of course it's his right to not want any more children. It's just the fact that he's expecting this current setup to continue and I need to know where I stand. It just hurts and I'm worried about my future and how on earth I'll ever be able to meet someone new.

Even if you meet someone else you're not going to get with them if you're not available because you're in your current relationship.

You remind me of me twenty years ago, OP.

Having another child or not can be a deal-breaker in even the best relationship. Yours is not the best relationship: you call yourself a single-mum, he drops in at wkends to see the baby and for a shag, I'm not getting massive love, respect, whatever, from what you've written here.

Let him go. Be on your own for a bit, get used to being a mum, being independent, work, hobbies, whatever. And eventually you will meet someone you feel passionately about.

I'm sure your mother wouldn't have wanted this half-relationship thing for you.

You're right Helmet, there's no respect or true love. We were friends for so long and I never fancied him. Tbh I thought he was gay or at least bisexual. It was a drunken one night stand and even then I only did it for a bit of fun. Everyone was so shocked when we got together because I was apparently 'out of his league' - I don't agree. I don't have a very high opinion of myself as you've probably guessed. He says we have nothing in common, no shared interests. He's right. But I think if we were good together then none of that would matter. We used to have a laugh together and that's why I fell for him I suppose. I'm the kind of person who likes hugs and snuggling up in bed talking about everything and anything whereas he hated me being near him because being so close made him hot or his back hurt. I know that all sounds daft but it bothered me. He said that's stuff you do in the honeymoon period and not what normal couples do but I've had that in the past so I know that's not true. He says I expect too much and I'll never find what I'm looking for because nothings ever good enough. He talks as though I always get what I want and that I'm spoilt or whatever. This is such a joke! I had a difficult childhood and I've never had any good luck until dd was born and even then I suffered with my mental health which was so crippling.

I'm ranting now. I'm just scared that he's right and that there really isn't anyone out there for me.

There is someone out there for you, there really is. But it isn't him, so move on.

You're 27 years old. You don't have to settle this now. You don't have to nail it down now.

Imagine if he said 'Honey, lets make a go of it!' are you really thinking that your heart wouldn't sink at the idea?

You know he's not for you. Take your time, relax about the whole partner thing, get to enjoy your own company and make some new friends...

You both sound like you are settling which means when someone else comes along then one of you will be tempted to either cheat or leave.

Of course he tells you that you want too much, he doesn't want to give it to you or for him to have to change.

He also wants to settle for now until someone else comes along.

So if he tells you you'll find no one else then you'll put up with it until he's ready to move on or you realise.

I know you want to keep the family together for DD but would you want her in this kind of relationship?

If she grows up thinking it's normal to have unhappy parents then she may have low standards herself in her own relationships.

Far better to break away now while you and she are young, you can still both be good parents.

As opposed to unhappy confused ones.

You know in your heart he's not the one for you.

Imagine your life was a jigsaw puzzle. Everything fits perfectly except the piece called DP.

No matter which way you twist and turn this piece, there's never a snug tight fit. There's always an awkward bit sticking out that spoils the look of the whole picture.

You even try remaking the rest of the puzzle in the hope of getting that bit to fit better and you know what? That still doesn't work either.
No matter how many times you try to rework the jigsaw of your life. ...the picture doesn't get any better. You know why? Don't you!

It's because it's the wrong piece. It will never fit and the picture will never become whole.

Time to take a firm stand and have the talk. This situation isn't acceptable. I need time to re- adjust into my new life. And so on. You know the words.

Then take ome time to get used to the new reality aNd the new you without him.

Good luck.

OP, he is a user. Please talk about your self esteem in therapy. It must be on the floor to cling on to him.
He's a mistake of the past, let go of your vulnerability and let go of him.

Your DD is the only good thing that came from it, but he can be a phantastic father without being with you. He's not really with you anyway and the sex is bad
You are very young. Allow yourself some time being single, there are plenty of good men out there.

Put an end to it.

Thank you all for such great advice. It really helps to hear your opinions. I want to make new friends but I don't know where to start and my lack of confidence doesn't help. How do I build my self esteem? I'm trying to lose weight which always makes me feel better about myself. I'm not overweight but I could do with losing a few pounds.

I'm going to tell him that there will be no more staying over and we are strictly co-parents, nothing more. I've arranged to go out with a couple of friends on Saturday so I'm going to get dressed up and go and have some fun. I can't drink because of my medication but I don't mind.

It feels so scary but I'm going to make him see that I'm absolutely fine without him and that I have my own life and independence. I'm just dreading the day I find out he had a new partner.

has not had*

It sounds like he 'loves you' as the Mother of his child or as a friend and not as a partner.

It's hard but you need to stop clinging on to him and seeing him as your future. He isn't. If he loved you as a partner he would be with you.

Put boundaries in place and move on.

You're spot on laughing. I think he does just love me as dd's mum and still 'fancies' me which is why he's always being inappropriate and wanting sex etc.

The rest of it is my fault really for letting this go so far.

It's not a case of 'fault', I've carried on sleeping with someone I've split with because we still care about and fancy each other and we buy into that fantasy of ending up with each other but if that was the case we wouldn't have split up!.

And I've carried on sleeping with someone thinking it would make them realise we should be together and I know one ex did that with me as thought it would make me realise! and I had thought he was on the same page as me thinking we had good sex and cared about each other but it couldn't work beyond that. It was years later he told me he thought we'd get back together.

If you're supposed to be with someone then you are and nothing will stand in the way.

He's not 'the one' for you and you're not for him. Move on and find the one for you. Be friends and great parents but it won't go further than that.

And the one for you will have no doubt you're the one for him and won't care you're already a Mum.

I really hope you're right. I suppose I just don't feel deserving of a good man which is why I always aim lower. It'll be a long time before I consider meeting someone knew anyway. I have a lot of work to do in building myself back up and being completely OK on my own. I'm just going to concentrate on being a good mum and hopefully everything will all fit into place.

He text me earlier and said he's sorry if it seems like he's not bothered that he doesn't see a future for us but that he does care and it's only because he's not good at showing emotions. I didn't reply. I don't know why he's saying that. What's the point?

I am holding on to what I know. The thought of anything else makes me so nervous and the worry of how it will all work with contact arrangements with dd. I know he has as much right to contact with her as I do though.

Inside I know that I'm worth more but I don't have the confidence to show that I am. That goes for all areas of my life. I took dd to the zoo today and when she was in the soft play area I was sat with all the other parents and groups of mums all laughing and having a good time and I was just sat there on my own. I don't want dd growing up and seeing me as this loner with no friends and confidence. It just feels awful.

What kind of steps could you take to boost your self-esteem, OP?

I really don't know. I mentioned before about losing weight which I know always makes me feel better but it's tough because I also comfort eat when I'm feeling bad.

I just wish I could me more confident and assertive, and to feel worthy of other people's time and company. It's hard to explain but I suppose I've always felt inferior to everyone.

It's good that you realise that you harbour feelings of inferiority, as that's the first step to changing those thoughts.

Working on reaching a healthy weight sounds like it might be a good first step for you then, since it's worked in the past. What might your first step be?

You also mention wanting to develop confidence and assertiveness. That's totally achievable too, and is always a good idea. What or who do you think could help you with that?

Everybody is different, but to give you some ideas, here's what I've found helpful on my own journey to greater confidence and assertiveness:

• Getting rid of exh who was abusing me and taking me for granted
• Getting my own home, redecorating it to suit me, learning how to do my own DIY
• Finding a therapist I like and regularly checking in with her to get the tools to tackle my neuroses
• Reading up on CBT and doing the exercises to change negative thought patterns
• Getting a puppy and raising her into a happy and healthy dog
• Meeting new people, and eventually making new friends
• Exercise, and eventually running a marathon
• Dancing
• Taking a self-defense class (I can bust someone's knee, if I want to! Now that's a powerful thought)
• Taking an assertiveness training course (good for learning how to respect yourself and your own needs)
• Practicing saying no, stating my needs, respectfully but firmly
• Allowing others to disagree or reject me as a result, but not letting it shake me
• Limiting the time I spend with my parents
• Going on adventure holidays I'd always dreamed of
• Practicing mindfulness and compassion meditation
• Learning new skills, all the time: the novelty is thrilling, it shows you how much you can do that you never knew, and it teaches you that it's ok to stumble and suck a bit while you're developing.

Take your pick, find your own people and activities that you think can help you develop more self-confidence.

It is entirely within your reach.

Thank you Rice that's really helpful. I'm going to start going to fitness classes while my ex looks after dd and maybe look at other classes or things I can go to where I can meet new people. I think having more good people in my life would boost my confidence and self esteem. I need to filter out the bad people and get more of the good.

My ex arrived a couple of hours ago to see dd. I'm currently at the doctors then I'm going to a friend's house. Within an hour he was annoying me and I finally realised that we definitely have no future.

I've even been getting excited about the future. Someone mentioned up thread that what I had with him is a poor imitation of what a relationship should be - I couldn't agree more. I don't think I've ever experienced the 'real thing' but I hope one day I will.