Talk sense into me...he's not into me, is he?

[mceesquared]

We've been seeing each other for a month only, but I feel like I am constantly wondering where I stand. He chased me but since he "got" me, I have felt like he's not that into me and it makes me feel like such an idiot because he didn't come cross as a player at all and I honestly thought he really liked me.

He never phones me, he only texts. I don't think he has ever phoned me.
He replies to all my texts right away but not in a way that rollls conversations along
If I ignore him, he texts me, but only once every couple of days.
He never asks me about my day or my life really or has conversations that seek to get to know me at all.
He never plans dates in advance, it's generally quite last minute
He has plans often on weekend nights with his mates and has never asked me to join him.
After a week of not seeing me he suddenly needs to see me as a matter of urgency. Once he has seen me (ie: shagged me) his need is sorted for another 5 or 6 days.
He seems to be online on whatsapp quite late at night sometimes and he's not talking to me! Talking to other women???
His birthday is next week and he doesn't seem to want to make plans to do something together.

When he was trying to get me to go out with him he was promising weekends away and texting me constantly and talking about romantic things and making an effort and I now feel completely discarded. I am frustrated because I want to talk to him about this but it's hard to when I never see him and we don't talk in between.

We've had four dates in a month, and not talked on the phone at all in that time. Yes, he sometimes does text a lot but it's typically when he's wanting to see me.

I will say to help give the balance there are good things about him...like he is very affectionate and loving, like he doesn't want to leave when he is with me, like I know his friends all know about me, like he is caring about me if i have a worry or a problem I could talk to him, but all of this is just completely ruined by me feeling basically like he doesn;t like me that much.

I want to feel like he's thinking about me. I want to feel like he want to see me as much as he can and not just because he's horny. I want to feel like he wants to get to know me better and find out things about me. I know he wants to take it slow and see what happens but I feel like I can't do that because he's killing off the positive feelings in me by being so cool. He is a shy person and he does keep his emotions close to himself but I feel like I am using that as an excuse in my own head for behavior which is really saying "he doesn't like you enough"

Based on the things I have described he isn't into me is he?

I just feel so bloody upset and i know this is a small thing and only a month long relationship but this is the 12th guy I have dated in two years and each one of them has in some way been a disappointment.

Should I be dumping and moving on here?

OH sorry !!! I thought this was on my thread. I have a thread. apologies!

Thanks F0x, I was a bit confused there!

I haven't dumped...seems a bit weird to do that over text but I definitely agree it's pretty grim. It's been a few days now since we saw each other. He has texted a few time to check in but it's totally pointless gaff "how was your weekend". or "ha ha". Starting to wonder if he's not just a bit fucking vacant or something.

What I've decided to do for now is turn down his last minute date offer for this week on the day I know he finds most convenient with the rest of his schedule and tell him I have other plans, which leaves him with the option of figuring something else out or not seeing me.

If he can't be bothered or the rest of his life is more important I'm not going to waste my time.

I wouldn't worry about the phone thing.. I've been dating someone for 6 weeks, we never phone each other. Texting in the early days was only every couple of days, now we text most days but not always every day. We've only had 3 dates (though the last one did end up lasting 24 hours ) Although if it wasn't for the fact we both have DC we probably would have seen each other more by now.

I really like him a lot but I also like the fact we're both pretty laid back at the moment. The last bloke I met online was really intense right from the start and it was a bit suffocating. If you like him, just chill out a bit.

He's a player and you're right, he is mugging you off.

I can guarantee he is far less invested than you are. It really doesn't matter what he says when he's aiming for a shag.

It's what he DOES the rest of the time and he's clearly telling you what he's all about. He's not 'a bit vacant', he plays a good game that works for him and ensures he gets attention and/or sex with little effort on his part.

Don't waste time trying to understand it or interpret mixed messages - he's someone you've known a month and shagged once (or a few times) and he's not that interested or he's playing several women like you at the same time who are all confused or questioning if they're unreasonable and should expect more?.

I'd ignore him now but I'm pretty hard - lined with this kind of BS now after experience!.

I've known him almost three years actually, just been dating for a month. Very loosely knew him anyway.

I do think he's emotionally unavailable, but no way he's a liar or player...just think he doesn't like me that much. Every tim he says he is somewhre, someone tags him in a pic exactly where he said he would be and it's lagely couples type dinner parties where he is the only one without a wife. He's more the quiet, bookish type than a player.

Honestly, I think he's just not invested at all and there's no courtship here. Not that into me! It happens.

he's not that into you but you know that already.
don't waste any more time on this tyre-kicker.

He might not be considered a player in the past but he's playing you like a fiddle!.

I don't think you need the big "I'm dumping you" conversation myself - his actions don't correlate with those of someone in a relationship or committed in any way.

I would delete his number and any messages/emails/call logs. That way you can resist the temptation to get in touch. See how long it takes him to contact you - should be very telling...

You sound a lovely person mcee with a sensible head who can see what she is being taken advantage of - don't let this chump get you down!

If I were you mcee I would wait for his next text (Hi mcee how was your weekend? Or whatever) and send him a simple one back

Hi dumb-ass time waster yeah good weekend thanks, hope your's was too. Just so you know, I've met someone I'm really keen on and we're going exclusive. Thanks for the last few weeks it was fun. All the best mcee

But only send the above if he texts you. If he doesn't text just let it go and move onwards and upwards!

Oh and ignore any subsequent texts he sends.

What happens if the OP's path regularly crosses that of the twatarse and she doesn't have a guy in tow, daisy?

The OP's an adult and there's no need to play childish games as all she needs to do is act on Aquiver's advice.

none of his business, right?

The point being that mmcee doesn't have to explain herself to anyone, least of all him. And I doubt he'd even notice by the sound of him, sounds a bit clueless to me

The text would be a kind of "FO to the other side of", just to get rid of him.

So he's quiet and bookish and still pretty vacant...no hope is there

As I said before..it's four dates..five weeks. It's far too soon to be living in each others pockets.

It seems the guy is busy and he's honest about what keeps him busy.

At a certain age we find most of our friends coupled up. This doesn't mean that a single man will introduce a new girlfriend every four weeks to his friends!

I would get busy and stop all the angst. Don't be available all the time...not because you are playing games but because your enjoying life.

I was with someone like that years ago but like an idiot it took me 3 years to suss out.

What I did with the last two relationships was when they asked to come over to see me, a few weeks after first being intimate, is to say yes you can come and spend time with me but I don't want to be intimate due to xyz. The first guy then said, oh, we'll I'll come another time so I immediately told him where to go. The other came and spent time, did not pressure me in any way and we are still together. Actions always speak louder than words.

The fact it's only 4 dates is the reason I was posting here...if it was 14 I'd obviously know but I have limited days alive on the planet to waste on people who are mugging me off.

It's difficult to explian but let me try and put it like this.

Before I agreed to date him he was available anytime, any day, anywhere and would I please just got for a drink. Now it's like trying to get an appointment with the Queen.

Before I agreed to date him he also kept texting me for long chats and questions about me and ideas for romantic dates and four dates in seems a bit early for that to have evaporated.

He liked me more, I was totally not interested and as soon as he got me interested he pulled back. Even now if I act unavailable he's all over me like a rash.

I do have a busy life, which is why it's doubly annoying that he can't plan more than 48 hours in advance and it always seems to be a work night which tired me out the next day.

He also avoids answering questions. Everything is "maybe" or "probably" and even timings wise he doesn't know. Before, or on the first date, he was nothing like that at all.

It's really weird to be honest because when he DOES actually date me he bends over backwards and often goes to a lot of lengths to fit into a complicated day and it means a long journey to work for him in the morning from mine. He's just odd! Like he wants me but wants me at arms length.

I did end it with him tonight, said it wasn't working out for me and he is completely gutted. Which, like I said is very weird. I think he's one mixed up fella but like I said I really don't think player. Just odd.

Please please look at the 'Baggage reclaim' website, it will help you both understand why men act like this and why you put up with this. And hopefully how to stop it!

He's not worth your time. It's hard but bin and move on. You're not too emotionally invested yet and be grateful you have actually dodged a bullet here!

If a relationship feels wrong, if the person seems inconsistent and changes their approach like the wind then it is is wrong.

You trusted your instincts - that's why we have them.

And to top it all he acted "gutted" when you called time on it. Says a lot. You were way down his priority lost and he made you feel that way so why pretend he cared after the fact? Sorry it didn't work out its still upsetting isn't it. Take care.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you OP.

May I suggest you don't sleep with future dates so early in the relationship.

For some strange reason this has men running for the hills.

When he was trying to get me to go out with him he was promising weekends away and texting me constantly and talking about romantic things and making an effort... you are not really that into him either, walk away.

If it was 14!!!! crikey you would have to give up all your work day week nights and be on your knees. Again, silly to expect that level of contact in five weeks. 48 hrs notice for a sleepover seems ok with me. It doesn't take 48 hrs to be ready for that. The opera...well that might need more planning and more than 48 hrs notice!

And why is he staying over at five weeks and four dates...is that not one reason why it is a hassle to organize time and why one would be shattered the next day.

You have expected too much too soon.

As regards the pulling back...maybe I would too, its all a bit too full on when you feel overwhelmed or feel that the other person wants too much from you too soon. Maybe he becomes more interested when you back off because he does genuinely want to keep seeing you.

I'm just playing devils advocate here. If he isn't a player, I wouldn't assume he is playing games here.

Anyway, you know what you want, and sometimes its best to just walk away if that person isn't what you want.

I don't agree that time necessarily has to be the only factor in making a relationship commitment. Making a physical commitment also has a strong influence or at least should have. But it depends on the 2 consenting adults to work that thru.

May I suggest you don't sleep with future dates so early in the relationship.

For some strange reason this has men running for the hills.

I totally agree. An ex-bf actually said this to me. He said: "I'm glad you didn't go to bed with me on the first night. If you'd done that, I'd have been off like a shot." He didn't say why, though I suspect I know the answer.

It would have been something along the lines of: "If you'll do that with me then you'll do that with everyone." And while it's okay for them, it's not okay for us - the good old sexual double standard.

I think the hormone oxytocin has something to do with it too. I read some doctor's theory once that women emotionally bond with a man after having a good sexual experience with him because oxytocin - the bonding hormone - is released in greater quantities in women during orgasm.

However, this is not the case with men, which is why they can have good sex with someone without necessarily feeling an emotional bond to them, or even knowing their name! And in turn walk away without a backward glance.

Perhaps men realise subliminally that a woman will attach more importance to their association after sex and then feel pressured, and leave.

I don't know all the answers... just idly speculating!

I totally agree. An ex-bf actually said this to me. He said: "I'm glad you didn't go to bed with me on the first night. If you'd done that, I'd have been off like a shot." He didn't say why, though I suspect I know the answer.

Weeding out cunts like him early is a good argument for always sleeping with men on the first night.

He wasn't a cu** at all BathtimeFunkster, but a really nice boyfriend who never did me wrong. He just wasn't very, er, how can I put this... "enlightened".

That doesn't mean to say he was a bad person and, sadly, this is the way some men think. The sexual double standard is alive and well.....