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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Talk sense into me...he's not into me, is he?

81 replies

mceesquared · 17/10/2015 15:27

We've been seeing each other for a month only, but I feel like I am constantly wondering where I stand. He chased me but since he "got" me, I have felt like he's not that into me and it makes me feel like such an idiot because he didn't come cross as a player at all and I honestly thought he really liked me.

He never phones me, he only texts. I don't think he has ever phoned me.
He replies to all my texts right away but not in a way that rollls conversations along
If I ignore him, he texts me, but only once every couple of days.
He never asks me about my day or my life really or has conversations that seek to get to know me at all.
He never plans dates in advance, it's generally quite last minute
He has plans often on weekend nights with his mates and has never asked me to join him.
After a week of not seeing me he suddenly needs to see me as a matter of urgency. Once he has seen me (ie: shagged me) his need is sorted for another 5 or 6 days.
He seems to be online on whatsapp quite late at night sometimes and he's not talking to me! Talking to other women???
His birthday is next week and he doesn't seem to want to make plans to do something together.

When he was trying to get me to go out with him he was promising weekends away and texting me constantly and talking about romantic things and making an effort and I now feel completely discarded. I am frustrated because I want to talk to him about this but it's hard to when I never see him and we don't talk in between.

We've had four dates in a month, and not talked on the phone at all in that time. Yes, he sometimes does text a lot but it's typically when he's wanting to see me.

I will say to help give the balance there are good things about him...like he is very affectionate and loving, like he doesn't want to leave when he is with me, like I know his friends all know about me, like he is caring about me if i have a worry or a problem I could talk to him, but all of this is just completely ruined by me feeling basically like he doesn;t like me that much.

I want to feel like he's thinking about me. I want to feel like he want to see me as much as he can and not just because he's horny. I want to feel like he wants to get to know me better and find out things about me. I know he wants to take it slow and see what happens but I feel like I can't do that because he's killing off the positive feelings in me by being so cool. He is a shy person and he does keep his emotions close to himself but I feel like I am using that as an excuse in my own head for behavior which is really saying "he doesn't like you enough"

Based on the things I have described he isn't into me is he?

I just feel so bloody upset and i know this is a small thing and only a month long relationship but this is the 12th guy I have dated in two years and each one of them has in some way been a disappointment.

Should I be dumping and moving on here?

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 17/10/2015 17:58

He's not interested in your day to day life. Which means he doesn't want or need you to be interested in his, I guess:(

Don't text him. When he wants to meet up, let him do all the work and don't sleep with him. Or do anything sexual. Just say " bye, thanks for a nice evening" and ignore him.

Original poster

mceesquared · 17/10/2015 18:02

It's five weeks from the first date to the day and I suppose what really annoys me is that while he was going for that first date, he could not do enough to accommodate me. It was always "I can jump on a train anytime if you want that date" and suddenly he's too tired. It was always him trying to call me when I was away for work and if the phone signal was bad he was like...let's facetime and wanting to spend any minutes with me that he could and then suddenly I feel like he's resisting that and I am begging for his time. He answers evasively, he is non-commital to plans, he is just in general being a total dick.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 17/10/2015 18:05

I think the problem lies in some ways that you've stated you're in a relationsip with him - after 4/5 dates. You're not. You're casually dating. If casually dating isn't for you then end it or alternatively be relaxed and well, casual until someone better comes alone.

lavenderhoney · 17/10/2015 18:12

Future faking is pretty common. It's a ruse to get into your pants, especially if you like to take things slowly to ensure you're not fucked over.

Sadly, after sex, some men rethink the relationship and what it means now you're having sex and expectations - and don't really know how to proceed because you want more closeness of life and well, they liked the chase and the shag. Some women do it too- they might like being courted and sex, but not want to share lives that fast. It's a delicate dance and sometimes both get it wrong.

Purpleboa · 17/10/2015 18:27

This describes the relationship I had with my ex to a T. Please, don't do what I did and waste three years on a broken and emotionally dysfunctional 'relationship'.

It may only be the fourth date, but I think if a guy is really into you,you'd know by then. His agenda is different from yours, I'm afraid.

I'd strongly advise walking away now, while you have some dignity left, so that you can open the way for the man who is right for you, and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. When I finally ended things with my ex, I met the man who would become my DH a month later.

You're worth more than this

Purpleboa · 17/10/2015 18:32

Oh, and don't feel you have to become a bitch or toughen up. It's ok to let yourself trust someone and believe what they say. He's the one with issues here, not you. You just got involved with a Mr Wrong. Plenty of 'em around! Just chalk it up to experience and as a story to tell in your quest for Mr Right (plenty of 'em around too).

spudlike1 · 17/10/2015 22:01

Focus on yourself ....forget him ...put your self first...work on your confidence

TokenGinger · 17/10/2015 22:55

You've seen him four times in the space of four weeks. Chill out. You're being WAY too much. You make it sound like a relationship which it is not; right now, it's someone you're sleeping with (very quickly!).

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 18/10/2015 08:36

I think the point about it only being 4 dates is that, after 4 dates, you shouldn't be so emotionally invested that you are this upset. You should just think, "hmm, he's turned out to be a bit of an arse" and dump.

Also, the next time someone starts bigging up the future before you've hit date 4 (!), you think, "hmm, he's a bit of an arse" and dump him. Or at least don't lap it up until his actions match his words.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 18/10/2015 09:03

"...it always turns out my first insinct was right"
This is excellent because it means your twat radar is working just fine. Now just have faith in your instincts and act on them.

What I would suggest is stop trying to figure out why he (and any future man you date) behaves in a certain way and just focus on how the bahaviour makes you feel. If you don't like it say something at the time or ASAP afterwards. If it happens again then dump and move on. As others have said, after only 4 dates he's not your partner/BF, you're just dating so shouldn't be emotionally invested so soon. Ignore what he says and go by his actions, because they often don't tally! Some men are very good at talking the talk but don't walk the walk. The 2 of you aren't on the same wavelength so cut your losses and either have some quality alone time or find a man who wants what you do. But I reiterate, the fact it's only taken a month to suss him out is great, and is such a valuable life lesson to learn.

CheersMedea · 18/10/2015 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 18/10/2015 14:56

Whoops! Wrong thread! Sorry.

gocuk15 · 18/10/2015 16:56

Get rid he isn't interested in you and you deserve better. Plenty of these sort of guys about!! Experienced them plenty of times so know how you feel.

TheMarxistMinx · 18/10/2015 20:33

Its a month and it's four dates and it isn't a relationship whether you are having sex or not. You are dating.

Where exactly would you expect to be a month in? four-five nights a week? shared mortgage, buying a dog, planning a holiday...

I think you need to chill, get busy, distract yourself and stop texting him.

NashvilleQueen · 18/10/2015 20:39

Have you been to his house on any of the dates? Only it sounds to me as though he's married or in a LTR

CherryPicking · 18/10/2015 20:45

I think you do need to be single for a while and work on your own personal boundaries for a while, so you start to attract a better class of bloke. The losers will then be deterred by your 'don't fuck with me' vibes and you'll have the mental energy for the right man when he comes along.

thehousewife · 18/10/2015 20:48

Sounds like he's seeing you on the side to me! Years ago I was seeing someone who treated me the same, found out he actually lived with someone else and he saw me when she worked away! Nice! I felt a right twat!

ChilliAndMint · 18/10/2015 20:58

He's a player.. the writing is on the wall. Move on and meet people in real life.
It's tough I know but OLD is full of time wasters.

gocuk15 · 18/10/2015 22:23

I second that Chilliandmint. Online dating is a load of crap and is the worst way of meeting anyone boyfriend or husband material. Good luck OP.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/10/2015 15:02

OLD is definitely a numbers game, i.e. you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince, and it's only for the emotionally strong who can keep their guard up for long enough to suss out who/what they're dating.

MissApple · 19/10/2015 15:13

Emotionally unavailable - been there done that. This one sounds like a man-child who wont tell you straight that he doesnt want to be with you - that will be left to you...

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 15:21

I hate phoning people! It's so awkward. Prefer to just arrange details by text and talk in person.

I agree that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before meeting any 'princes'. I haven't kissed any. Met loads. Whatever you think is the normal length of time before you'd sleep with somebody, double it, tripple it if you met on line. I have this internal yardstick where if I can't ring somebody up, no excuse, no reason required, then definitely wouldn't sleep with them. Try it. It really puts things in to perspective. If you have somebody you're dating and you feel that they wouldn't want you to call them for no particular reason then don't shag em. I know I'm old fashioned.

Inexperiencedchick · 19/10/2015 15:53

Agree with F0X,

Never had any dates more than the 1st one with Guys I met online.
Had spent almost a year (was emotionally attached to him) with Mr. Emotionally unavailable (he was not from OLD). He didn't get a chance for a shag. When you see in front of you a man-child who is nice to you because you promised a cookie, and when you say that you are actually not up for any intimacy, you straight see the person through :)
And I didn't play, I was really drawn to him physically. What stopped me is his behaviour towards me... I just felt myself unloved... Only like a sex object.

You are not obliged to gratify his physical desires.

My circumstances are different but he treated me the same way as you described in your post. And he wanted everything very quick.

If you are happy to give it another month or two and see how he will behave, then you better distance yourself a bit. Let him do everything.
If you don't want to continue hanging there, then move on.

Be on your own for a while, learn more about yourself, Learn to love yourself...

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 16:17

Learn more about myself!? I think I've done enough navel gazing. There aint much more to learn. I think I'll give it one more date. Not one more month! I do love myself. I have been on my own for 90% of the last 8 years. As I said in the very first post (!!), I won't try and change his mind. I won't sleep with him. He's not done anything to pressure me, at all.

I'm no fool. I'm a pretty canny article. BUT I don't want to have the hard hat pulled down so far over my eyes that I'd lose what could turn out to be a really nice friendship.

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 16:18

BUT, thank you to the posters who advised me NOT to raise the issue before it comes up.. It would be presumptuous and like expecting the worst. So, no, I won't do that.

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