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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't end my roller coaster relationship !

109 replies

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 09:11

Hi,

I've posted before about an emotionally damaging relationship that I've been in for over a year now.
He must have ended our relationship about 30 times (I haven't counted lol) , each time being cold and hurtful to me, only to come crawling back a few weeks later. I wasn't strong and so I let him worm his way back. I was stupid - I know .
Anyway, in the last few months, I have got a new full time job which I am doing well in and I love, and I have moved house which is great for me and my two girls.
I feel so much happier and stronger and I'm now at a place where I don't want a relationship. I don't need it. I just want to enjoy time with my children my friends and my own company .
However this man knows this and won't leave me alone. I had ended our relationship, but he called and texted constantly. When i didn't respond, he came to my house - banging on the door.
I thought it fair to speak to him in person and somehow I gave in. He got all emotional, promised to be the man I'd hoped he could be. I backed down and now we are 'back on'. He has made plans and promises for the future, told his son that he has a new girlfriend etc and goes on about how sorry he is for treating me badly and how happy he is now that we can move on together.
I feel trapped. I don't want a relationship at the moment, but all the effort he makes now, means it's harder for me to end it. I worry that he will fall apart without me as he craves companionship and attention.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't know how to tell him. I know he will badger me. He can be volatile and he threatens to come to my work or go and confront my ex husband when he doesn't get his own way. He says I love you and I say it back - not because I feel it, but because I feel I should say it back.
I don't know what to do. Please dont be too hard on me! I know I'm a fool and I've been on a crazy journey with this man. But I'm in a different place from him now. Am I right to end things? Should I give him a chance?
Please help. Thanks xx

OP posts:
MissMarpleCat · 23/10/2015 19:57

He's not your problem. Look after yourself and your kids. You don't need this drama lama headfuck twat in your life.

Gabilan · 23/10/2015 22:06

"I worry for him and his state of mind. I think he needs help to cope with life and his emotions."

He probably does but he may not take it even if offered and it needs to come from professionals, not you.

"On a selfish note. I am utterly drained. I have other stuff going on in my own life (2 kids , a full time job, going through a divorce etc)"

That's not selfish. You are allowed to think about what you want and need. So long as you don't trample over other people to get it, it isn't selfish.

springydaffs · 23/10/2015 22:23

To the person looking on, it must be hard to understand.

Not to the person who has been in an abusive relationship it doesn't.

He has spun you around so you didn't know where is up any more, you didn't know what you were doing. You didn't send mixed messages, he set it all up so you were backed into a corner, forced, desperate, craving. He did all that - you're on ADs bcs of it!

He is a DANGEROUS man. Your feeling so sorry for him is all part of the abuse tactics - he has woven a web around you that puts him first, before you and your survival. It's called FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - the hallmark of an abusive relationship.

There are lots of Freedom Programmes at different times of the day - can you find one in the evening? It is worth traveling for if you can. It is much better to attend a group rather than doing it online. Obvs online is better than nothing but meeting others irl who are experiencing very similar things brings it all into sharp focus in record time, really tears the veil from your eyes. Very liberating and releasing, you can feel the chains falling off. The chains he put there btw.

Hopefully with the right support in place you will feel easily able to stop him, his relentless harassment, by getting legal re police to stop him. He doesn't love you, he loves controlling you, messing with your head. He is far from weak. He just got you believing he is.

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 23/10/2015 22:25

Thank you! I will never let him back in my life and I will not weaken. The last week has just reinforced my belief that he is no good for me and a complete emotional/energy vampire.
I worry that once the desperation passes, he will get angry. I suppose by hearing his voicemails, at least I know the stage he is at, but it is certainly not because I still want to hear from him. I will have to contact police if he continues to pester me or if he get angry. Your comments have helped a lot.

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 24/10/2015 10:50

He may well get angry LittleWren, you are no longer doing as he wishes and with these attempts failing and future attempts failing it may well change to anger.

That is no more your problem then his desperation is.

Contacting the Police is a good idea, perhaps even for advice?

Contacting Woman's aid also.

Keep every message he sends you in case you need them for evidence.

It is good that you have resolve, you don't deserve this man's bad behaviour and energy sucking.

How are your kids doing as well?

Has he been trying to upset them as well?

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 24/10/2015 14:03

No I keep my relationship separate from him as much as possible and they haven't been aware of what's happened in the last week.
I feel worried about contacting police because he may well make a malicious counter allegation against me which could jeaporadise my job etc, although untrue. X

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 25/10/2015 11:33

Would it help to tell them?

To have support?

Maybe contact them for advice and state this to them, that way if he does up things you have a reference number to tell them and they are prepared for a malicious allegation?

If he gets very angry when he may do that anyway.

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 20/12/2015 09:37

Hi everyone...just an update and a need for a bit of a lift really
Since my last post, I'd blocked Ed's number. I felt relieved but after a week I started getting texts from a different number. It turns out he changed his number. Our contact resumed after he would call me in tears saying that he was lonely and regretted messing things up with me and treating me badly.
I insisted that I couldn't be in a relationship with him, but he would call every few days and we would chat like old times.
Last weds I heard from him, he asked if he could see me on the Saturday . I said no. After that, he sent me photos of a girl in her bra, saying that she was his date for Saturday. I said that I didn't believe him and that it was probably attention seeking to provoke a reaction from me.
I later texted him to say that I'm tired of the mind games and to leave me alone. For that I received a nasty voicemail saying "f*ck off little miss perfect, I don't want to be a part of your life anymore...this isn.t a warning, it's a promise, stay away from me"
Five days later, he updated his Facebook status as being "in a relationship" with some new girl and posted photos of them cuddling (not the one in the bra pics) and wrote 'happy happy happy'
In a nutshell, I'm gutted that he has been so cruel. We had a relationship for 18 months and he has made me feel like I am worthless and meant nothing to him. He never broadcasted our relationship on FB while we were together.
I don't think they have been together long - probably a maximum of about 3 weeks.
All I've ever done is treat him well, care for his wellbeing and love him more than I thought possible. this is where it's got me. Now I'm utterly broken, again, just in time for Christmas xx

OP posts:
Limer · 20/12/2015 09:45

Broken? Why? Surely this is the result you want? Not your problem any more. He's proved what everyone else on this thread has been telling you since October - he doesn't care about you, never did, never will.

Please stop engaging with him. Why are you following him on FB?

The new relationship will break down soon and he'll be back pestering you. Probably just in time for Christmas. Don't engage. Don't do the cosy chats. Move on and enjoy life!

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 20/12/2015 09:52

Broken because he's made me feel worthless, like after everything, I meant nothing . He's been cruel. I'm not friends with hi. On Facebook but we have mutual friends who told me, when I looked him up, he had made the photos public - for anyone to see.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/12/2015 10:02

Look, block him on Facebook. Tell your friends you don't want to know anything and be glad some other poor fucker has got his attention.

You wanted this, are you now saying you don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either?

You're free of him.

Cantwaittillboxingday · 20/12/2015 10:05

You are torturing yourself by looking at photos of him with his new gf. Don't put yourself through it.

Hopefully you have learnt not to engage with him whatsoever, even when he sends you a friendly email in a few months time.

Duckdeamon · 20/12/2015 10:08

Sort yourself out OP and for your and your DCs' sake stop all contact with the loser and move on. Did you do the freedom programme?

summerwinterton · 20/12/2015 10:09

Why didn't you block his new number? Why engage with him again when you said you wouldn't? Are you really that desperate for attention or do you hope he will change? I agree you need to block him on FB and anywhere else. And if he contacts you ever again tell him to stop or you will go to the police. This is just self flagellation and you are upsetting yourself for no reason at all.

And I would suggest some counselling for yourself to discover why you think this is all you deserve.

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 20/12/2015 10:17

Ive been having ongoing counselling. I cannot understand myself why I give him the time of day. He has a way of making me feel sorry for him and because deep down I have loved him dearly, I fall for his nonsense.
I had a place on the freedom programme, but it ran at 10 am for 11 weeks while I would need to be at work. I've asked to be put on one that is held In the evening but I haven't heard yet.
It's not a case of me not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him, I loved him but felt that he treated me badly over and over so my head eventually over ruled my heart. He was free to move on, but if you knew him, you'd know that the public declaration of Facebook was for my benefit...

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 20/12/2015 10:24

He's still trying to provoke a reaction from you, and you're playing right into his hands.
I feel sorry for the new 'GF'

Suddenlyseymour · 20/12/2015 10:25

You don't have to be "friends" with someoneon FB to block them - my ex joined fb (which he always proffesed, along with all social media, to hate) as i'd blocked him thriugh every other avenue and suddenly there he was - i blocked him befire he even git a chance to send a friend request; I don't want to see him nor him see anything from me should i comment on a mutual friend's thread. Very reassuring x

gamerchick · 20/12/2015 10:27

Then feel pity for his new girlfriend and just block him. If he knows you can't see anything he's putting up then he'll hopefully give up.

Do.not.react.

summerwinterton · 20/12/2015 10:35

Do the Freedom Programme online instead? Why on earth you would feel sorry for him is beyond me. Why are you looking at his Facebook all the time? Don't fuel his attention seeking shite.

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 20/12/2015 10:36

thanks ..I've already blocked him so that I'm not tempted to look him up and so that he has no reason to post anything attention seeking.
Sorry, I'm feeling sorry for myself at the moment, I will sort myself out before my kids return from their dads later.
Once upon a time, I thought that we would always be together, now he's got someone new, it is a bit of a slap in the face and I'm struggling after the constant emotional battering that he's put on me for the past year.
I'm all over the place really. I hope my feelings settle and I can be happy soon

OP posts:
Finola1step · 20/12/2015 10:40

He's done a great number on you, hasn't he?

You let him get to you everytime. Where's your anger? Where's your pity for that poor woman who is about to tread the same path as you?

You describe yourself as "utterly broken" over this piece of shit. Come on, give yourself a shake. You've got 2 dc, a full time job and Christmas is around the corner. You haven't got time for all this crap.

Draw a line under it. He is someone else's problem. And to all those "friends" who tell you about his Facebook posts, just tell them you don't want to know. If they persist, then they are adding fuel to the fire. They are not friends.

Get busy. Block him completely and enjoy Christmas.

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 20/12/2015 10:53

Thank you - that's the shake I need. Xx

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 20/12/2015 11:10

It's good news littlewren, now he's found a new victim you will get some space from him and can enjoy your new life.
Take a bit of time to grieve for what you thought could have been, then have a lovely Christmas with your DC in your new home. And don't get sucked back in - if you answer any more calls from him it will just send you backwards. Time to move forwards! Flowers

Yseulte · 20/12/2015 11:21

Thrill rides can be very addictive. So treat this like an addiction.

He will move on very quickly if you stick to your guns.

Invest your energy in your kids and your friends.

Yseulte · 20/12/2015 11:23

Huh? Sorry I must skipped a couple of pages.

Glad to hear your update.