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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't end my roller coaster relationship !

109 replies

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 09:11

Hi,

I've posted before about an emotionally damaging relationship that I've been in for over a year now.
He must have ended our relationship about 30 times (I haven't counted lol) , each time being cold and hurtful to me, only to come crawling back a few weeks later. I wasn't strong and so I let him worm his way back. I was stupid - I know .
Anyway, in the last few months, I have got a new full time job which I am doing well in and I love, and I have moved house which is great for me and my two girls.
I feel so much happier and stronger and I'm now at a place where I don't want a relationship. I don't need it. I just want to enjoy time with my children my friends and my own company .
However this man knows this and won't leave me alone. I had ended our relationship, but he called and texted constantly. When i didn't respond, he came to my house - banging on the door.
I thought it fair to speak to him in person and somehow I gave in. He got all emotional, promised to be the man I'd hoped he could be. I backed down and now we are 'back on'. He has made plans and promises for the future, told his son that he has a new girlfriend etc and goes on about how sorry he is for treating me badly and how happy he is now that we can move on together.
I feel trapped. I don't want a relationship at the moment, but all the effort he makes now, means it's harder for me to end it. I worry that he will fall apart without me as he craves companionship and attention.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't know how to tell him. I know he will badger me. He can be volatile and he threatens to come to my work or go and confront my ex husband when he doesn't get his own way. He says I love you and I say it back - not because I feel it, but because I feel I should say it back.
I don't know what to do. Please dont be too hard on me! I know I'm a fool and I've been on a crazy journey with this man. But I'm in a different place from him now. Am I right to end things? Should I give him a chance?
Please help. Thanks xx

OP posts:

Cronx · 17/10/2015 12:35

Just say you've decided you not want to continue the relationship and tell him to not contact you again. Block, delete. You don't neednto break it to him gently, or explain yourself, or give him a chance to state his case. "I no longer wish to be in this relationship" is reason enough. Keep it factual, don't explain, don't apologise, don't be emotional. If he hassles you, posters above have given advice about contacting the police (I'll leave this to them, I'm no expert...)

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 12:38

Thank you....fingers crossed x

OP posts:

DarkNavyBlue · 17/10/2015 12:43

"I've decided we need to separte, I don't want to keep seeing you. I don't even want to discuss it."

summerwinterton · 17/10/2015 12:43

Gave up a lot to be together? Were you an OW?

AnyFucker · 17/10/2015 12:56

Never mind what you have already given up or what he has

Unless you are also willing to give up the rest of your life to him, end it now

But follow through

Or it's just more pointless drama. And don't fool yourself it isn't affecting your kids. A mother allowing herself to get dicked about by a man like this is no example to anyone.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 17/10/2015 12:56

OP I usually don't advocate people breakup/end things via text/whatsapp, but I think you should. I would send him a text as Cronx has said. I'd also be tempted to write:

"I no longer wish to be in this relationship. Do not contact me, do not come to my house, if you do I will call the police" , then block and delete. When he does come to your house, or he contacts you, you contact the police.

You are going to have to "woman up"!

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 12:59

I was in an unhappy 17 yr relationship. My head was turned by this man and feelings developed. I ended my marriage because of these feelings . Things developed after I left. As for this man...when I met him I thought he was single, he let on that he was in a 10 yr relationship but neither were happy and that they had split up many times because things weren't good.
I stupidly thought that we were meant to be. I fell for all his lies. Since he left his relationship he has bounced between me and his ex. Each time I thought we were over but after a couple of weeks he would contact me and say that he loved me. I was in a mess at that time. I felt some comfort knowing that he might love me and that I had someone to care about me when my children were away at their dads. I've leant him moneys do been an utter fool and doormat - I know that x

OP posts:

Cronx · 17/10/2015 12:59

I've skimmed the other threads from the OP, doesn't look like any affairs happened.

But I also note, OP, that you've had 3 threads in 5 months covering the same thing but for some reason you're not taking heed of the advice you've been givem, even though you know it's the right thing. Why do you think this is? Don't say "I know you're all right" and then go ahead and do the opposite, otherwise you'll be here in 2 months' time asking the same questions and getting the same answers.

I also noted your daughters are about 11 and 7 - this is such an impressionable age, please think about the example you are setting, I feel so sad for them. When I was in a bad relationship the thing that pushed me over the edge to grow some balls and get out of it was thinking "would I encourage my daughter to accept this crap from anyone?" -the answer was no and I don't even have kids! Thinking about yours and what you are teaching them might encourage you to have some empathy for yourself, realise your self worth and get rid of this absolute douche.

Cronx · 17/10/2015 13:08

" I had someone to care about me when my children were away at their dads"

You need to learn to care about yourself and be comfortable with yourself on your own rather than put up with scraps of "love" and tonnes of manipulation from an absolute twat. He does not care about you. You need to learn to be on your own and be comfortable with it so that you can learn self esteem - this won't happen while you allow him any influence on your life. Get rid.

summerwinterton · 17/10/2015 13:18

oh dear - it just gets worse doesn't it....

eddielizzard · 17/10/2015 13:24

doesn't matter what's happened in the past. you can't change that. what you do now is what's important:

text him to say it's over.

tell him not to contact you, and that if he starts harassing you you will call the police - AND YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT!!!

that should be the end of it. that simple.

if he does harass which (which he will because in the past it's worked) you HAVE to call 101.

if he turns up don't answer the door. shout to tell him to go away and if he doesn't phone 101. again, you have to do this.

find the strength. the first time is the hardest, it gets easier after that.

Gabilan · 17/10/2015 13:30

"I was in an unhappy 17 yr relationship. My head was turned by this man and feelings developed. I ended my marriage because of these feelings"

So you went from the frying pan into the fire? Agree with PP. Text "This relationship is over. Do not contact me again. If you do contact me I shall log it with the police as harassment."

Say it and mean it. You need to be single for a while.

summerwinterton · 17/10/2015 13:31

You certainly need to be single for a good while.

fearandloathinginambridge · 17/10/2015 14:52

He's driven you to a point where you need to take anti-depressants and you're worried about hurting his feelings if you dump him. You need to get angry here and put yourself first.

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 18:44

Thanks everyone. I will act on the advice you've all given. I've been a complete fool and doormat and since my last thread, I gave actually taken steps to name myself stronger (promotion at work, moving house) which have helped me to find happiness in myself etc. the next step for me is to end it for good and mean it. I'm ready to do that now.
Thanks again x

OP posts:

tableanadchairs · 17/10/2015 19:02

So what are you waiting for-there is no better time than now. Send that text then block his number.

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 18/10/2015 08:12

Just a little update...he texted me yesterday afternoon to tell me that he was at the hospital with kidney stones. I went and waited with him for an hour during which I told him that I couldn't stay as I was going to see my friend later on. He had a go at me in the waiting room about the time I spend with my friends. He got up and walked away saying 'fuck off, don't call me again' - charming!
He then phoned and texted me during the evening accusing me of having another man on the go (I don't) and said that he was upset that I'd told him I couldn't stay all night with him at the hospital.
I've replied this morning to say that I don't want a relationship with him anymore and that nothing I do is ever good enough for him. I plan to stick to my guns although I expect his texts to turn nasty.
Thanks for your advice. It really helps talk about it here and write it down xx

OP posts:

donajimena · 18/10/2015 08:29

Well done and please stick to your guns. There are many of us on here who have bounced back and forth in bad relationships. There is always a breaking point where enough really is enough. I hope you are at that point - it sounds as if you are. Stay strong. I think he will be texting and calling all day.

DaemonPantalaemon · 18/10/2015 08:33

It really helps talk about it here and write it down xx

It looks like overtime you have had one of your 30 break ups, you have been talking about it here and writing down. You have been agonising over this relationship more than you have been enjoying it. Then, having poured it all out, you have forgotten about it all and taken him back.

It is really time to change the record.

As for the texts turning nasty, how would you even know? You don't have to read them you know, You don't even have to receive them. What stops you from blocking his number if it is really over?

You are presenting yourself as a victim of a man who badgers you constantly and you have no choice but to take him back when he does. Please exert a little control over your life. Unlike many other women in terrible relationships, you are free of him financially, you have no children together. End it, and keep it ended. Block his number, change your lock if he has a key. Call the police if he harasses you.

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 18/10/2015 08:48

Reading my situation on screen, it probably does seem very black and white to the outside world. It has not been an easy year and looking back I have been controlled and manipulated. Why did i allow it to happen? - I don't know! But I still felt that I loved him. I have shed so many tears and felt completely worthless at times. I am now following my head rather than my heart.
I will block him - from my phone and my life.
Thanks all x

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 08:58

Stay away from him. He sounds horrible. Whatever he says, you owe him nothing.
Be strong op.

fearandloathinginambridge · 18/10/2015 10:28

Be strong, don't let him hound you back into a relationship because you are scared of him turning up at work etc. I am sure he will be persistent for a while but ride it out. If he gets nasty call the police on the non- emergency number and report him. My cousin did this with her ex and police were lovely, had a word with the bullying bastard and that scared him off.

GM451 · 18/10/2015 11:04

Having been in a similar relationship myself the following things helped me...

Getting some boundaries; decided how I wanted to be treated and then enforcing it
Getting to know myself and putting what I wanted first, this is not selfish!!! I realised that I had no idea what I felt / wanted and that I was making decisions based on what he wanted / felt and sometimes what I imagined he wanted / felt (bit of a people pleaser)
Realising that being in love with someone doesn't really matter, you don't stay with someone just because you love them, you stay with someone because you are happy, love helps but doesn't make a relationship right
Lots of lovely self care, then I didn't need his crumbs to make me feel ok.

oh and

Lots of time and space away from crazy relationship to break my reliance on him learn what a healthy relationship looks like and feel ok on my own.

Worked for me! I know it's not easy but with time you will look back on this and think wtf was I thinking. Good luck x

MissMarpleCat · 18/10/2015 12:45

Good luck op. If he keeps harassing you then log everything and seek legal advice. He's basically harassing/stalking you, take care

Original poster

LittleWren17 · 18/10/2015 15:10

Thanks again everyone xx

OP posts:

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