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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't end my roller coaster relationship !

109 replies

LittleWren17 · 17/10/2015 09:11

Hi,

I've posted before about an emotionally damaging relationship that I've been in for over a year now.
He must have ended our relationship about 30 times (I haven't counted lol) , each time being cold and hurtful to me, only to come crawling back a few weeks later. I wasn't strong and so I let him worm his way back. I was stupid - I know .
Anyway, in the last few months, I have got a new full time job which I am doing well in and I love, and I have moved house which is great for me and my two girls.
I feel so much happier and stronger and I'm now at a place where I don't want a relationship. I don't need it. I just want to enjoy time with my children my friends and my own company .
However this man knows this and won't leave me alone. I had ended our relationship, but he called and texted constantly. When i didn't respond, he came to my house - banging on the door.
I thought it fair to speak to him in person and somehow I gave in. He got all emotional, promised to be the man I'd hoped he could be. I backed down and now we are 'back on'. He has made plans and promises for the future, told his son that he has a new girlfriend etc and goes on about how sorry he is for treating me badly and how happy he is now that we can move on together.
I feel trapped. I don't want a relationship at the moment, but all the effort he makes now, means it's harder for me to end it. I worry that he will fall apart without me as he craves companionship and attention.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't know how to tell him. I know he will badger me. He can be volatile and he threatens to come to my work or go and confront my ex husband when he doesn't get his own way. He says I love you and I say it back - not because I feel it, but because I feel I should say it back.
I don't know what to do. Please dont be too hard on me! I know I'm a fool and I've been on a crazy journey with this man. But I'm in a different place from him now. Am I right to end things? Should I give him a chance?
Please help. Thanks xx

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/10/2015 15:15

Has he been in touch, and have you stayed strong and ignored/blocked him?

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 18/10/2015 16:22

I haven't heard anything. I am expecting him to pester me on Tuesday night when my girls are at their dads. I will block his number but he will no doubt come to my house. It isn't normal behaviour. I have previously felt sorry for him because I don't think he is 100% stable and doesn't have many people to turn to. I can't be his emotional crutch anymore x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/10/2015 16:27

On Tuesday, invite a friend to stay over or you stay elsewhere

You can do this

If you really want to

Waltermittythesequel · 18/10/2015 16:39

and doesn't have many people to turn to.

Except his wife, to whom he keeps going back.

The more you believe you're important to this man, the more difficult you'll find it to make the final break and stick to you.

He doesn't care one little bit about you. Thirty break ups?

Imagine one of your girls was in this? Wouldn't you be devestated?

If he turns up with threats you phone the police.

You're doing so well. Don't let him undo the good.

loveyoutothemoon · 18/10/2015 16:44

No you can't be his emotional crutch. Don't answer the door, if he proceeds to harass you, tell him you'll call the police, follow it through. Never let him in your house. Well done.

SeaCabbage · 18/10/2015 16:47

Why did you go to the hospital with him? Stop stop stop.

Do not receive any more of his texts. You have to block him. And yes, be prepared Tuesday night. Preferablty be elsewhere. And you won't know if he is texting you because you will have blocked his number yes?

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 18/10/2015 17:01

I'm following through with it this time for good. I'm also seeing the counsellor that's helped me on Tuesday afternoon, so that will help x

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 17:12

Well done, op

What's happening is not normal, it's not nice and it's not making you happy. Flowers keep going

Lacoba66 · 18/10/2015 17:32

OP, you are doing really well as you acknowledge what is actually happening in this (dis-functional) relationship!

I hope the counsellor on Tuesday gives you the strength to deal with what may happen.

I agree/ disagree with AF Wink. What I mean is, 'yes' have a friend to stay if you can, but 'no' to staying somewhere else- it's your home & you should never feel afraid or apprehensive to be there, even for 1 night.

As for his 'apparent' mental health- not your problem. If he wants to 'top himself' then he will do it regardless- you are not his prisoner.

My Ex sent me a video of him taking an OD Shock and he's still kicking about.

NumbBlaseCold · 18/10/2015 18:22

He is a user.

Do not open the door to him if he comes to your house, tell him he is trespassing and you have had enough of his manipulations.

If he kicks off, call the police.

I suspect that it would not take long for him to start picking you up and dropping you again, to keep you on your toes and bowing to his whims.

If you stayed with him that is.

Gabilan · 18/10/2015 18:58

I have previously felt sorry for him because I don't think he is 100% stable and doesn't have many people to turn to.

OP there's an old joke that goes: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Even if he is ill and even if that illness is curable, it's not your job to fix him. That can only be done by healthcare professionals and then only if he wants to change.

As a PP suggested I would have a think about co-dependency. Apologies for the internet psychobabble but I just wonder if there's a part of you that likes to have someone around who seems to need you as support.

Isetan · 19/10/2015 12:16

Your problem isn't knowing what to do, it's the follow through. Follow AF's advice and make it harder for yourself to bend to his demands by going out or inviting a friend round.

MorrisZapp · 19/10/2015 12:30

Stay strong. I think being out the first few Tuesdays is a v good idea. If you're home and he turns up you will find yourself letting him in. From there, he will pull every trick he can to get what he wants.

And then you're back to square one.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 13:24

Learn from your previous behaviour, love

He gets a tiny foot in your door, starts a headfucking dialogue and you are lost

Stay completely no contact

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 19/10/2015 14:39

Thank you. The last I heard he left a voicemail saying that I had been a mistake and the past year was a mistake. That was hurtful but I'm not going to rise to it. His number is blocked xx

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 19/10/2015 14:53

He's trying to get you to react. Well done for blocking. You've done great!

fearandloathinginambridge · 19/10/2015 16:12

That comment is designed to provoke you. Ignore it, it's actually pathetic when you think about it and no reflection on your qualities at all just his overall lack of quality as a partner and human being.

Didactylos · 19/10/2015 16:18

Detatch, detach and stay strong LittleWren
Think to yourself: yes mate, you were the mistake, you have taken up too much of my headspace and I am not playing any more

Suddenlyseymour · 19/10/2015 18:52

I have been in a very similar situation - I find it is also best not to even listen to the voicemails; I know that once they are blocked, they can still leave voicemails, but seriously, delete before listening. It stops you getting reeled back in, and is such a sense of relief xx

Original poster
LittleWren17 · 23/10/2015 18:38

During the past week he has left me endless voicemails - asking for another chance, knocked on my door to see me, let me know that he was on host way to A&E because of kidney stones ( he claimed that he might lose a kidney but the kidney stone drama has passed now), crashed his work van ( claimed that he'd got whiplash and suspected broken rib (that injury has passed now), been suspended from work because of the accident, and then when none of this worked to get my attention, he last night put a 'farewell/suicidal' post on Facebook. I'm not friend with him on FB but I had people contacting me as they were worried. I saw through it and he is still alive and kicking.
Apparently he went to a friends last night and he 'was in a bad way'.
I worry for him and his state of mind. I think he needs help to cope with life and his emotions. On a selfish note. I am utterly drained. I have other stuff going on in my own life (2 kids , a full time job, going through a divorce etc)
I ache all over. I hope he is ok and gets help from his friends and family, but am I bad for turning my back on him? Our relationship is 100% over and I will never return to him. Both of us just need to get through this stage....
I just thought I'd vent...sorry x

OP posts:
Cronx · 23/10/2015 18:53

Why are you worried about him? He's not worried about you. His worried for himself because he has lost the object of his abuse.

Worry for yourself and for your daughters, not this waste of space.

He may need help, but not from you - that's his responsibility not yours.

You're doing well so far - it's nearly a week, before you know it it will be two, then a month, then you'll be wondering why you ever gave a shit about him in the first place as you start to thrive living a life of your own.

On a practical level, is it feasible to change your number to stop the voicemails?

Cronx · 23/10/2015 18:56

and no, you're not turning your back on him. You owe him nothing - not friendship, not support, nothing. Completely detach from him and don't let him worm his way back in. Stop listening to the voicemails if you have to.

And don't let anyone else try to talk you round on his behalf either - I hope the people who told you they were worried about him backed off when you told them you're no longer together. If they didn't, cut them out too.

AnyFucker · 23/10/2015 19:09

IGNORE HIM

he is an attention seeking, selfish, headfucking piece of shit

fearandloathinginambridge · 23/10/2015 19:39

I think he needs help to cope with life and his emotions

He probably does but that is honestly not your responsibility. You are not a bad person for ignoring his 'plight'. All the kindness and generosity that you would extend to him in his pain will be for nothing if you let him back in. He will not extend the same kindness to you and therefore he is not worthy of your time or attention.

You don't owe him anything. Please, stay strong, let him in and he'll drag you down.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/10/2015 19:45

Its a typical trait of a codependent person to think that someone having emotional needs = a responsibility to meet those emotional needs. So what if he needs help dealing with life? That's Not. Your. Problem.

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