Feeling sad about change of heart and DH

[SadAndTeary]

I’ve NC for this.

Apologies if this is long and rambling, I don’t want to drip feed. I need to vent somewhere as I am so upset and can no longer show this in front of DH.

Recently we have jointly decided to TTC. DH has always been a bit of a commitaphobe. It took 8.5 years for him to propose and he didn’t cope to well with the initial change to our routine when we got a puppy. Therefore it hasn’t been surprising that over the last few weeks he’s been battling with the decision made to TTC. Don’t get me wrong, we’re now married and he wouldn’t be without his best mate the dog but he just struggles initially with change and as he puts it “lack of freedom” (that in relation to the dog not the marriage).

He has been happily taking his preconception vitamins and will most of the time happily listen to me chattering on excitedly and join in himself with talking about plans, things I would buy for the child etc. When things get a bit more real he starts to panic. When I suggest a date for actually TTC he will say “yes lets go for it” then come up with every reason not to DTD. We’ve had issues with sex over the last few years anyway he really struggles with stress, and when he is under it his libido disappears, but 6 out of 10 times he is fine if I initiate things. He generally initiates things when nothing can come of it… i.e I'm late leaving and I’m about to walk out of the door, or AF is here. We even went to Sex Therapy with relate but that’s a whole other story.

At the weekend he said for definite that he wanted to TTC this month but that he needed a day or two to get his head around it. I figured out I will be ovulating a week earlier than expected, and he was away with work when I figured out that I would be fertile as soon as he got home (and told him so). He got home yesterday and worked from home for the say. My sex drive has massively increased since coming off the pill so I’m basically throwing myself at him all the time. My advances were (quite rightly) ignored/smiled off during the working day, but he left his desk a couple of times, once to see the dog and have a cuddle (we have a very loving cuddly dog) and once for lunch. After eating lunch he then set up a half hour tv program to watch, which I pointed out I could have his attention for those 30 mins, I,e give me a jump already. He watched the tv show.

After his working day was over I made more advances, he was “cooking “ (things were in the oven) so it wasn’t the right time. Then I made a comment that I had got a bit carried away looking at baby things online so he asked me to show him what I’d found. This cheered me right up as he was taking an interest. I showed him to the result of lots of nods, mmhmms and “yeah it’s nice”’s all whilst continuing to watch the tv in the background. That was the end of my tether for the day, I emotionally and physically pulled back from him, feeling like an idiot for throwing myself at him all the time.

He noticed and spent the rest of the evening holding my hand and trying to engage me in menial conversation. I was acting normal towards him, just not overly lovey dovey as I have been recently. It all came to a head at bed time. He fell asleep at the drop of a hat as per usual. I got a bit upset and tried to hide it but he woke to me crying. We had a discussion about why, I told him I felt stupid and embarrassed as I am always throwing myself at him and being rejected. In his mind I was doing this up until 5pm and then I point blank stopped. I know for a fact the moment I pulled back was past 8pm as DIY SOS was on at the time (the program he was more interested in than what I was showing him online). I kept trying to tell him what each thing I had done and his reaction and eventually was sobbing as I just felt more humiliated telling him about each spurned advance. He literally threw himself out of the bed and ran out of the room, saying “it’s too much pressure, I just need a minute”.

I eventually calmed myself down- helped by the dog checking on me- my furry hero. DH came back in and hugged me to help calm me down. I went to wash my face. Came back and was very calm and collected. DH was sitting bolt upright and starts spouting what a wanker he is and how awful he must be treating me to hurt me so much. I told him the only moment I was hurt was when he physically ran away from me when I was upset. The rest of my tears was from feeling embarrassed. I know what he is like with sex, I know most of the time he won’t want it yet I keep throwing myself at him. I’m setting myself up for the fall but I carried on regardless.

I’ve now told him I don’t want to TTC anymore due to the pressure it is putting on our relationship and clearly he isn’t happy with the decision, as otherwise he would happily respond to my advances.

This morning I packed away the preconception vitamins and I just feel so empty. I was so excited to start a family with him, I’d fallen in love with my husband even more at the thought of him wanting to start a family with me.

I don’t know how to shake off this upset and just go back to normal before we decided to TTC so he can be less stressed, have to walk on fewer eggshells and we can be happily married once again. And clearly I can’t show him how upset I am as it literally chases him out of the room.

Apologies again for the huge post and thank you for reading.

I'm sorry I've not managed to read the whole thread but a first impression gives me the urge to say, stop talking to him about trying to conceive!!
If he wanted to go for it, join him in the process in a lighthearted manner and "see what happens".

I know this is very hard to do for people further down the line who are struggling to conceive but honestly, I have had some close male friends confide in me that they found nothing more of a turn off than their wife obsessing about temperatures and ovulation.

There may be more to it and I haven't time to read all the detail to see if warning signs about the relationship, but I hope my thoughts help and don't sound too harsh.

It might sound cliché but would you consider marriage counselling? It seems like it might help to talk about these issues on a neutral space. He is an adult and really should be able to deal with an emotional family member without fleeing.

You also talk about how he struggles with change, maybe he has some strategies to help him cope better you could employ here?

Not too harsh at all Lilipot. Thanks for your thoughts. Trust me it's completely off the table now but it isn't always talked about. Once thing I didn't say was due to his bouncing between the decision all the time I told him he can easily just stick on a condom and it won't upset me. I haven't been chasing him for sex to conceive but just because I seem to be overly rampant at the mo .

Blimey Op, I feel stressed reading that. Calm down.

I think you need to stop involving him quite so much, you're scaring him. Just go about what you need to do in a quieter way, stop showing him the sort of stuff that your average man isn't bothered about. If you hadn't pressurised him constantly, you probably would have DTD last night.

Lots of luck, it might take a while, so slow down.

You're going OTT, OP, I'm not surprised you're creaking him out. Stop looking at things online, stop banging on about babies, just have a normal unpressured sexual relationship with your DH without contraception and see what happens. It's sex, not a military campaign!!

Creaking?!
Freaking!!

I really don't want this to come across as harsh in any way but I can see why he's feeling so pressured. Sex should be fun! Just enjoy it as once you're pregnant you may not feel like it!

Instead of ttc just stop trying not to get pregnant if that makes sense. Try and let it happen naturally for a while. If you both want a baby then go for it! Just stop stressing about it

Tibf you know He suffers from performance anxiety and yet in your excitement spent to whole day putting pressure on him. Of course you are excited but very rarely do men feel quite the same as women and this would be an example. Ditto looking up baby stuff online...

It does sound a bit sulky flouncing away and saying ok, no babies, then. As above, remove the pressure a little, stop mentioning it so much and take a wait and see approach. Doesn't mean you can't monitor your cycles etc but try keeping quiet about it.

He sounds quite hard work but you clearly love him so play the game and you'll get there much quicker.

Fair points thanks everyone. I'm so concerned about him literally running away from me though. Despite what he says I don't think he's mentally ready. Will he run from a crying child?

As I've said I'm not constantly trying to dtd with him in order to concieve, but I think that's how he's seeing it.

Babies are no longer a topic of conversation in this house, definitely. Thanks everyone.

As much as communication is key in a relationship that is too much communication by far and too much pressure.

I dont see how you can want a baby for some time and then the next minute when its got a bit difficult not want one. You need to be honest with yourself too or this is going to turn into resentment of DH (who although sounds a bit flakey, obviously loves you very much - you lucky thing!).

I agree with other posters. I don't think it sounds likely that you'll end up with him running away if you get pregnant. So that being the case, time to dial down the pressure on him. I think you mentioning it all the time is adding loads of pressure to someone who is perhaps not great at dealing with it.

Come on here to the conception boards to talk about TTC, baby names and all that. Don't burden him with it. Let things happen and I'm sure he'll be delighted. The good thing about pregnancy is he'll have 9 whole months to get his head around it!

Good luck!

Oh I want them sunny but not at the risk of pressuring my husband too much.

I now completely get I've been OTT. Thank you everyone for opening my eyes to it. It's clearly what I've been doing.

If he wants them he will not use protection. I'm fine with that. I think its more of an "eventually" situation. He's doing his usual taking his time to get used to it, like he did with marriage and the dog. I never pushed him into proposing and he eventually got there so I'm sure if I lay off it he'll start to want it.

I had a pregnancy.. not scare per say -recently, I was late 8 days and he was really disappointed when AF came so I know he wants them. He's just quite rightly VERY overwhelmed.

Officially reigned in over here.

Thanks MrsNucky will do.

How old are you though because you've clearly been together 9+ years. it is all very well saying "eventually" but you need to think about fertility levels too.

I'm just about 30 TheClacks . I have time to give him space regarding this.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. Pressure. Too much.
Just try to let it go. If you got pregnant and had a baby and he then left you, you would feel that you had pressured him into doing something he wasn't ready to do. So, just forget about it and try and rebuild your relationship to just having fun for awhile. Also you don't need special vitamins to conceive, they are generally artificial anyway. Just eat really healthy so that you are getting every thing you need from real food. That way if you did fall pregnant then you will be covered.

When you are both older and have children you will look back at this and smile at his initial reluctance. Just like he was with the dog.

Agree with everyone - I was cringing reading that. Stop looking up baby stuff online and showing him. I can't think of many men in the world that would find that fun! Stop making him take vitamins, it's totally unnecessary. Stop telling him when you are ovulating. Just have unprotected sex, when you do have sex, for a few months and see what happens.

As I've said I'm not constantly trying to dtd with him in order to concieve, but I think that's how he's seeing it

In a way, highlighting to him repeatedly that you have a fertile window is putting more pressure on him for that one single shag so you can get the goods needed to conceive. This is way more pressure, this is THE shag that could potentially change your entire body, relationship, dynamic and life. Of course it's scary for some people. For a lot of people the female body and reproduction is as intimidating, mystical and magical as first time air travel to somebody that is scared of heights ( How DO they get a plane full of people to stay in the sky? MAGIC!).

Honestly, just stop showing him baby stuff. Not stop looking just keep it to yourself or friends for a while. Don't tell him when you are fertile. Just have a normal relationship without contraception and it will happen eventually. In the mean time it gives him the chance to come to terms with the idea of parenthood without it becoming over bearing.

I can imagine my son being exactly like this and really hope that he finds a paitent understanding woman like you, Good luck!

Me and dh decided we wanted a second child( first was a happy accident) so I got his informed consent, stopped taking contraception and started shagging a lot, never mentioned ttc, as it would have freaked him out a bit. I kept a vague check on my cycle to maximize our chances but again said nothing. We were lucky and got pregnant in the third month.

I don't like the sound of this bloke.

I think a frank talk is in order. Does he want children or does he not because all of this excusing away his frankly manipulative behaviour is a mistake.

Bottom line though, why stick around and feel you always have to manage his moods, wants and whims ?

This whole relationship sounds very much on his terms.

I am going to go against the grain here but are you absolutely sure he wants kids? The fact it took him almost nine years to marry you sounds like a massive red flag to me.
Don't waste your years of good fertility only to find aged 38 that he never wanted them/doesn't wnst them with you.
You sound ground down by this marriage, though i think more counselling sounds like a great idea.
I would just hate for you to miss out on having children altogether. If the marriage doesn't work, you still have time to find somebody else.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with showing him baby stuff. Wanting a baby as a couple is exciting!

I only read half as it was so long (sorry) but I had the same sort of issues with my DH, he is madly in LOVE with me but just has a fear of change, even when it was his idea... It was his idea to move into together, to TTC, to get married but all three times he had cold feet that meant I had to tell him to get some balls and man up.
What worked for us was playing Russian roulette while TTC, we agreed that sometimes we used a condom and sometimes we didn't so that it was more relaxed and he got used to the idea that a baby might come of it. I kind of worked it so that my most fertile days were when we didn't use a condom but never fully explained the science to him until after I was pregnant - that sounds bad but he did want it, he just couldn't cope with the pressure and agreed afterwards that I had made it feel like there was no pressure at all by doing it that way. Could you suggest something like that to DH?

Seriously, just have sex. Poor sod must feel under a hell of a lot of pressure, particularly if he isn't sure AND has a low sex drive.

Assuming you are not late thirties/early forties you can get away with just forgetting the contraception and having sex.

i'd bail on this whole relationship.
seriously. i would just end it.
you're young enough to start again with someone who really wants you.