Feeling sad about change of heart and DH

[SadAndTeary]

I’ve NC for this.

Apologies if this is long and rambling, I don’t want to drip feed. I need to vent somewhere as I am so upset and can no longer show this in front of DH.

Recently we have jointly decided to TTC. DH has always been a bit of a commitaphobe. It took 8.5 years for him to propose and he didn’t cope to well with the initial change to our routine when we got a puppy. Therefore it hasn’t been surprising that over the last few weeks he’s been battling with the decision made to TTC. Don’t get me wrong, we’re now married and he wouldn’t be without his best mate the dog but he just struggles initially with change and as he puts it “lack of freedom” (that in relation to the dog not the marriage).

He has been happily taking his preconception vitamins and will most of the time happily listen to me chattering on excitedly and join in himself with talking about plans, things I would buy for the child etc. When things get a bit more real he starts to panic. When I suggest a date for actually TTC he will say “yes lets go for it” then come up with every reason not to DTD. We’ve had issues with sex over the last few years anyway he really struggles with stress, and when he is under it his libido disappears, but 6 out of 10 times he is fine if I initiate things. He generally initiates things when nothing can come of it… i.e I'm late leaving and I’m about to walk out of the door, or AF is here. We even went to Sex Therapy with relate but that’s a whole other story.

At the weekend he said for definite that he wanted to TTC this month but that he needed a day or two to get his head around it. I figured out I will be ovulating a week earlier than expected, and he was away with work when I figured out that I would be fertile as soon as he got home (and told him so). He got home yesterday and worked from home for the say. My sex drive has massively increased since coming off the pill so I’m basically throwing myself at him all the time. My advances were (quite rightly) ignored/smiled off during the working day, but he left his desk a couple of times, once to see the dog and have a cuddle (we have a very loving cuddly dog) and once for lunch. After eating lunch he then set up a half hour tv program to watch, which I pointed out I could have his attention for those 30 mins, I,e give me a jump already. He watched the tv show.

After his working day was over I made more advances, he was “cooking “ (things were in the oven) so it wasn’t the right time. Then I made a comment that I had got a bit carried away looking at baby things online so he asked me to show him what I’d found. This cheered me right up as he was taking an interest. I showed him to the result of lots of nods, mmhmms and “yeah it’s nice”’s all whilst continuing to watch the tv in the background. That was the end of my tether for the day, I emotionally and physically pulled back from him, feeling like an idiot for throwing myself at him all the time.

He noticed and spent the rest of the evening holding my hand and trying to engage me in menial conversation. I was acting normal towards him, just not overly lovey dovey as I have been recently. It all came to a head at bed time. He fell asleep at the drop of a hat as per usual. I got a bit upset and tried to hide it but he woke to me crying. We had a discussion about why, I told him I felt stupid and embarrassed as I am always throwing myself at him and being rejected. In his mind I was doing this up until 5pm and then I point blank stopped. I know for a fact the moment I pulled back was past 8pm as DIY SOS was on at the time (the program he was more interested in than what I was showing him online). I kept trying to tell him what each thing I had done and his reaction and eventually was sobbing as I just felt more humiliated telling him about each spurned advance. He literally threw himself out of the bed and ran out of the room, saying “it’s too much pressure, I just need a minute”.

I eventually calmed myself down- helped by the dog checking on me- my furry hero. DH came back in and hugged me to help calm me down. I went to wash my face. Came back and was very calm and collected. DH was sitting bolt upright and starts spouting what a wanker he is and how awful he must be treating me to hurt me so much. I told him the only moment I was hurt was when he physically ran away from me when I was upset. The rest of my tears was from feeling embarrassed. I know what he is like with sex, I know most of the time he won’t want it yet I keep throwing myself at him. I’m setting myself up for the fall but I carried on regardless.

I’ve now told him I don’t want to TTC anymore due to the pressure it is putting on our relationship and clearly he isn’t happy with the decision, as otherwise he would happily respond to my advances.

This morning I packed away the preconception vitamins and I just feel so empty. I was so excited to start a family with him, I’d fallen in love with my husband even more at the thought of him wanting to start a family with me.

I don’t know how to shake off this upset and just go back to normal before we decided to TTC so he can be less stressed, have to walk on fewer eggshells and we can be happily married once again. And clearly I can’t show him how upset I am as it literally chases him out of the room.

Apologies again for the huge post and thank you for reading.

I don't I've put across DH in a very good light based on some of the most recent replies.

I can assure you this marriage isn't grinding me down. Yes it took him nearly 9 years to marry me but many couple survive without marriage ever. We lived as a married couple, owned a house, had a joint account together etc, everything accept the piece of paper. He's not manipulative in the slightest but he is very affected by stress and pressure.

I have to manage him moods wants and whims as much as he does mine, and to be frank, mine can be much worse.

More counselling may be a good idea, if not couples at least for him to learn to deal with stress and pressures of life. Sex therapy was a disastor. Therapist used the words "you're destroying him" based on the answer to "Who wears the trousers in the relationship".

As I said he was very disappointed I wasn't pregnant after AF was late and he has since told me he realised he wanted children from that, but he's also terrified of the responsibility and reality of having children. And no wonder, it is a huge change and I'm reminding him of it all the time.

That's a great idea whydoes. Thanks for the suggestion.

I agree that there is far too much pressure in this situation; unless you are massively against the biological clock, I would go for more of a 'see what happens' approach. After a few months, if nothing's happening you could then mention taking fertility vitamins etc. If you start telling him about cervical mucus or anything like that, you are massively over-sharing, it's a need to know basis quite frankly! I don't think looking at baby things are exciting to most blokes until the pregnancy becomes a reality, and after a few scans when you start to see that baby as a tiny person. My DP, while hugely on board with TTC and definitely wanting a family, really didn't develop an interest in looking at baby clothes and the like until I was 20 weeks and we found out our tiny person was a daughter and saw her in so much detail at the scan. Now he is working a tonne of overtime voluntarily so we can buy loads of nice things for her, and is really looking forward to being a father.

That said, your DP's mood swings sound hard to handle, and quite honestly try to imagine them still happening over things when you have a small person in the mix! I think he needs to be sure he is ready for this. I'm not big on counselling, but agree with others posters that it might be helpful in this situation.

Oh Gosh I would lose patience with him.

I'd have lost patience about 9 years ago. So he runs off when you cry, takes nearly a decade to decide to get married, and didn't cope well with a dog changing his routine? And he often needs time to to "get his head round things"?

You've already got a baby. What you haven't got is a father.

Honestly OP I think other people are taking it wrong because they haven't had someone like that. I take it you have been with DH since 21, which is very young, I have been with my DH also for 9 years - since 17 so know what its like to be with somebody you have grown up with.

It feels stressful when they are flaky over things like this but I bet he is your rock and would do anything for you - mine helped me so much when I lost both my Grandparents to cancer (aged 65 & 70) - he would get up for work at 5am, get home at 7pm and we'd go to the hospital until 11pm everynight, not getting to sleep until midnight so that I could be there in the final weeks. He is amazing and it sounds like your DH is too, just scared of what change will do even though he does like the idea of it, the actual going through with it is terrifying!

I think I am very much like you in that once I set my mind to it I am going to do it so sometimes its difficult between you as you think "oh FFS stop messing around" but I have found the best way is just to get on with it but in a way he feels the least pressure and he always thanks me for it in the long term. My DH keeps us financially stable so does all of the hard work in that respect so its only fair I take the pressure off in other aspects...

I'm not surprised you have had a fee LTB comments on here... Mumsnet wouldn't be Mumsnet without those folk!

PM me if you want to talk!

I'm sorry I've not managed to read the whole thread but a first impression gives me the urge to say, stop talking to him about trying to conceive!!

Yep, that was my first thought too

Seriously OP, you need to calm down, you are over thinking & over talking it, it would drive me nuts if my DH behaved in this way when he wanted us to TTC & would have made me want to run fir the hills

Just enjoy yourselves, relax & have sex & stop nagging the poor guy

I think the business with the dog is really important. Having a baby is a far more monumental upheaval in your life than having a dog...and in fact it has been shown to lead to a greater level of upset, upheaval and general loss of happiness than losing your job or getting a divorce.

IF you already know your DH doesn't cope well with loss of freedom or change than having a baby could seriously reduce your happiness together.

I agree with what's been said already, I'd back off a lot and stop talking about babies, ovulation.. as you have said you will already do. He sounds like he's the type that will freak out easily about every new commitment but once it happens he will actually be fine- like with the dog!! If you fall pregnant I expect he will be a wonderful dad but he just needs time to get his head round big life changing events. I knew someone similar, a friend of a friend. He wanted kids but then went a bit funny once the test was positive.. He's now a very happy and loving dad to two kids.

I just think that if he found having a dog a big upheaval then how on earth will he cope with a baby? Your entire world and outlook and routine changes forever.

I agree with AnyFucker, he doesn't sound great, but I think a good couple's counsellor could help. I've heard good and bad things about Relate, and I think it all depends on the therapist you get. So why not try and find another therapist through Relate or elsewhere?

How old is your Dh?

I can't help wondering how he copes with everyday life - he sounds so...um...like a great big scaredy cat to me.

He does sound a bit wet, but on the other hand if the OP is so scarily OTT about everything then the guy can be forgiven for being a bit non-comittal.

I think you should wait a while before you TTC, you both sound totally unprepared, emotionally, to be parents. Neither of you should have 'manage' one another's moods - you are adults, manage your own moods!

OP please don't take the character assassination of you and your DH to heart.
In real life I know many men who have had wobbles like your husband, the other poster's husbands must be perfect...

I didn't manage to read you whole post, but my thoughts are - stop talking about it, stop hassling him, stop involving him in your menstrual cycle, stop pestering him during the day when he's working, and just be a bit spontaneous. You're behaving in a fashion that's nigh on crazy! Just calm down and have sex because you feel like having sex. You already know that he freaks about change and that stress affects his libido, so what are you doing? Heaping loads of stress on him and making him think 24/7 about this massive change that you're dying to make to his life. Chill out. Stop baby shopping until you're actually pregnant and just this stage of life. Conceiving should be fun - not a bloody marathon.

It's not the wobble at all, it's the whole unfortunate picture painted here.

just 'enjoy this stage of life'

You are very lucky to have Mumsnet ,lots of good advice which wasn't around when I was desperate to start a family.
Now you need a real life friend or two to confide in too . Your DH probably doesn't want to know all the detail about what's in your head just yet.Share your ideas of nursery decoration, prams , baby names etc etc with a friend and ease off with him until you are actually pregnant.
That's the advice from an old granny anyway who had to wait for DH to be on board and then had problems conceiving, very much worth waiting for though!

two things:

Firstly, talk of fertile windows and looking up baby things on the internet and trying to jump your dh because it's your fertile time and then crying because he isn't in the mood are not going to make for a happy ttc experience even if you are the most together couple in the world and are both desperate for a baby. And while the first month or two of ttc is exciting and it can be exciting looking at baby things on the internet, if you consider that the average couple takes a year to fall pregnant, getting this consumed by it in the beginning has the potential to cause a lot of heartache and feelings of despair when you're not pregnant in six months time. You need to take a step back from the obsession of ttc as much for yourself as for the sake of your relationship.

Secondly though, and probably most importantly, if you are in the process of talking of going for couples counselling then you really should not be thinking of having a baby, you really shouldn't. A baby within a marriage is essentially something which is born out of the love that married couple have for each other. I'm talking about planned pregnancies here not contraceptive failures etc. If your marriage is at a point where you are having counselling, then now is not the time to be bringing a baby into that mix. A baby is all-consuming. It turns your world upside down, it changes the dynamic within your relationship and as a result it changes the relationship you have with your partner. If that relationship already has question marks over it, and clearly there are question marks if you are going to counselling, then a baby has the potential to blow that relationship out of the water.

Of course if you come through counselling and can resolve the issues in your relationship then there will be time to ttc, but you shouldn't be looking to get pregnant when your relationship already has issues....

In your shoes I'd not take any contraceptive, wouldn't mention periods or ovulation, wouldn't make moves to make love. Just give everything a break and make your own time richer and more nourishing

Juneau and Bin85 have offered much more caring sensible advice here.

You sound far more interested in the baby than in your DH. No wonder he's reticent! If you treat him like a sperm donor now, what hope is there for him once a baby is around?

Hmm. My first thought is that I wouldn't want a child win someone like that. He's flaky about everything and seems to opt out when things get a bit tough - how on earth is he going to manage with a baby waking up every 2 hours screaming their head off and wanting feeding 24 hours a day for at least the first 6 weeks and then everything else that comes after that? I can virtually guarantee that the op will be doing everything while he swans about dying of convenient man flu or saying how tired he is (isn't bloody everyone). He sounds just like my ex dh who left me for an ex he'd had before he that he had found on Facebook while we were in the middle of Ivf. To be fair I think I was always more into it than he was.

We split up and I'm remarried and had a baby with my new dh who was always keen to have dc from the off (well as soon as we got serious).

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't prioritise the same things as me.

With, not win clearly.

Yeah so... I'm going to delete this thread now. Thanks to those with constructive critisicm. For those of the LTB persuasion, seriously what right do you have to tell people what to do in their relationship?

My main question was how can I get things back to normal so my DH isn't feeling so stressed and doesn't have to walk on eggshells around me. Main response was to calm down on the baby talk and relax wiht the TTC. Totally taken on board. Buy yeah clearly that means I care more about having a baby than I care about my DH?!

Thanks again to those with the caring and sensible advice.

I understand the frustration when people are judgemental and harsh in their replies, but to answer your question:
"For those of the LTB persuasion, seriously what right do you have to tell people what to do in their relationship?"
If you ask for advice, people are going to give it! Of course they can't tell you what to do - it's only their opinion and you don't have to do it.

I agree with the back off a bit replies. I had fertility problems and there were times (due to specific tests as well as hopeful ovulation) when we had to dtd a certain night, trust me, the pressure to get it done made it absolutely the last thing I wanted to do.