Feeling sad about change of heart and DH

[SadAndTeary]

I’ve NC for this.

Apologies if this is long and rambling, I don’t want to drip feed. I need to vent somewhere as I am so upset and can no longer show this in front of DH.

Recently we have jointly decided to TTC. DH has always been a bit of a commitaphobe. It took 8.5 years for him to propose and he didn’t cope to well with the initial change to our routine when we got a puppy. Therefore it hasn’t been surprising that over the last few weeks he’s been battling with the decision made to TTC. Don’t get me wrong, we’re now married and he wouldn’t be without his best mate the dog but he just struggles initially with change and as he puts it “lack of freedom” (that in relation to the dog not the marriage).

He has been happily taking his preconception vitamins and will most of the time happily listen to me chattering on excitedly and join in himself with talking about plans, things I would buy for the child etc. When things get a bit more real he starts to panic. When I suggest a date for actually TTC he will say “yes lets go for it” then come up with every reason not to DTD. We’ve had issues with sex over the last few years anyway he really struggles with stress, and when he is under it his libido disappears, but 6 out of 10 times he is fine if I initiate things. He generally initiates things when nothing can come of it… i.e I'm late leaving and I’m about to walk out of the door, or AF is here. We even went to Sex Therapy with relate but that’s a whole other story.

At the weekend he said for definite that he wanted to TTC this month but that he needed a day or two to get his head around it. I figured out I will be ovulating a week earlier than expected, and he was away with work when I figured out that I would be fertile as soon as he got home (and told him so). He got home yesterday and worked from home for the say. My sex drive has massively increased since coming off the pill so I’m basically throwing myself at him all the time. My advances were (quite rightly) ignored/smiled off during the working day, but he left his desk a couple of times, once to see the dog and have a cuddle (we have a very loving cuddly dog) and once for lunch. After eating lunch he then set up a half hour tv program to watch, which I pointed out I could have his attention for those 30 mins, I,e give me a jump already. He watched the tv show.

After his working day was over I made more advances, he was “cooking “ (things were in the oven) so it wasn’t the right time. Then I made a comment that I had got a bit carried away looking at baby things online so he asked me to show him what I’d found. This cheered me right up as he was taking an interest. I showed him to the result of lots of nods, mmhmms and “yeah it’s nice”’s all whilst continuing to watch the tv in the background. That was the end of my tether for the day, I emotionally and physically pulled back from him, feeling like an idiot for throwing myself at him all the time.

He noticed and spent the rest of the evening holding my hand and trying to engage me in menial conversation. I was acting normal towards him, just not overly lovey dovey as I have been recently. It all came to a head at bed time. He fell asleep at the drop of a hat as per usual. I got a bit upset and tried to hide it but he woke to me crying. We had a discussion about why, I told him I felt stupid and embarrassed as I am always throwing myself at him and being rejected. In his mind I was doing this up until 5pm and then I point blank stopped. I know for a fact the moment I pulled back was past 8pm as DIY SOS was on at the time (the program he was more interested in than what I was showing him online). I kept trying to tell him what each thing I had done and his reaction and eventually was sobbing as I just felt more humiliated telling him about each spurned advance. He literally threw himself out of the bed and ran out of the room, saying “it’s too much pressure, I just need a minute”.

I eventually calmed myself down- helped by the dog checking on me- my furry hero. DH came back in and hugged me to help calm me down. I went to wash my face. Came back and was very calm and collected. DH was sitting bolt upright and starts spouting what a wanker he is and how awful he must be treating me to hurt me so much. I told him the only moment I was hurt was when he physically ran away from me when I was upset. The rest of my tears was from feeling embarrassed. I know what he is like with sex, I know most of the time he won’t want it yet I keep throwing myself at him. I’m setting myself up for the fall but I carried on regardless.

I’ve now told him I don’t want to TTC anymore due to the pressure it is putting on our relationship and clearly he isn’t happy with the decision, as otherwise he would happily respond to my advances.

This morning I packed away the preconception vitamins and I just feel so empty. I was so excited to start a family with him, I’d fallen in love with my husband even more at the thought of him wanting to start a family with me.

I don’t know how to shake off this upset and just go back to normal before we decided to TTC so he can be less stressed, have to walk on fewer eggshells and we can be happily married once again. And clearly I can’t show him how upset I am as it literally chases him out of the room.

Apologies again for the huge post and thank you for reading.

oh dear. "i'm going to delete this thread now." op, even the people who say that you're far more interested in the baby than dh mean well. Nobody is suggesting that you don't love your dh, but that you are consumed by ttc to the extent you currently are using him as a sperm donor. It's common, it has no bearing on feelings, it just reflects the impact that ttc can sometimes have. Go and look at the conception boards, it's full of women complaining that "dh didn't want to dtd last night even though he knows that I'm ovulating,"

OP, you asked for advice and people gave it.

Personally, I think you need to just take a break from it all. Don't actively TTC but don't force it either. Stop taking contraception and just focus on yourself and DH. Spend some time together, have fun and remove the pressure. You won't help yourself when you're both overthinking it and DH is feeling stressed. You just need to try and forget about the science aspect of it and just go with the flow.

Easier said than done, I know. I hope things work out

Alright then, this is a person who took 8 years to propose, who can barely handle the responsibility of a dog, who has major difficulties shagging under pressure and you thought you'd get him in the mood by showing him pictures of baby stuff?

Seriously?

Hq won't delete the thread because you don't like the replies

I suppose there is the good old fallback "too many identifying details"...although there have been none

I think you, as well as your foot dragging husband have some growing up to do before you become parents

Note that I said "become parents" which is entirely different to "having a baby"

OP your posts made me feel tense and pressured just reading them, so I can only wonder at how your DH feels?

My DH worships the ground our DDs walk on, but was always bored to tears by any talk of buggies or nursery furniture.

Totally agree with AF in that it would be highly unfair and irresponsible to bring a child into a relationship where you are both acting like hissy teenagers are not perhaps not emotionally mature enough yet.

It's usually dead easy to have a baby. It's so much harder to be a decent parent.

Yeah so ... Girl, you are HARD WORK.

You know he doesn't deal well with stress and pressure - yet you put stress and pressure on him non-stop. I'n not surprised he ran out of the room at you whimpering at his side and creating a MAJOR drama. I'd find it suffocating and i 'm not that bad with stress and pressure.

And now you're going to flounce on this thread - when ppl have been very gentle. I'm impressed at the restraint on here tbah. I'd find you a nightmare on stilts, personally,, with all the flip flapping around at every turn: you want a baby, you go at it full on like a show on the TV; then you don't! So you pack everything away (did you ask him before you did that?).

I find you exhausting.

If your H doesn't cope well with stress and change, what makes you think he'll cope with a child? You do realise that just when you get the hang of one of a child's phases, they change on you. You are constantly having to re-evaluate your approach with them because what worked in the past may no longer work in the present.

Personality wise he does sound like high maintenance and when your attention is quite rightly focussed on a child, how will he react to stress, change and your divided attention.

Whatever his issues are, they have an origin and now, when you don't have the demands of a child, is the time for him to tackle them. You will not have the time or patience to 'manage' an adult's moods when your are on your knees with exhaustion. There's nothing more lonely than being a single parent in a relationship.

agree with any Anyfucker.

You are been a bit OTT about this. Forget ovulation dates etc. Just enjoy each other and see what happens. Monitoring your body in such detail is really better for those who have struggled to conceive.

Also, you said once he got the dog he was fine. Do you know anybody with young children that you are close to? If so offer a few baby sitting nights or days, let your husband get involved and this might help him relax or at very least get an idea of what is ahead.

My exH told me he wanted to Ttc but then kept putting it off, made sure he was away when I was fertile etc. After he left me he admitted he didn't want children but knew I wouldn't stay if he told me the truth.

I think you need to consider how long you will wait for him to be ready.