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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW keeps emailing me

69 replies

AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 09:11

So I found out about H affair last week cos OW emailed me. I have other threads under a diff username.

They work together and their work HR is involved. In her case it seems to be about using company email and equipment for personal use.

Anyway since the affair she continues to email H and also me.

Why does she want me to be hurt, upset etc. Him I can understand but me - I don't get it.

Any insight into OW behaviour / motives gratefully received.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/10/2015 09:14

I'd email her back and tell her that if she contacts you once more you will be making a complaint to the police about harassment.

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 09:14

Why do you need insight into her motives

If she doesn't stop emailing then contact the police? And you have booted him out I hope.

Axekick · 14/10/2015 09:20

You don't need to know why. Tbf it's pretty obvious. She is angry that's she is in the shit and wants to cause the most amount of pain to everyone.

As op said advise her that any more contact will lead to police involvement.

You need to concentrate on you. Not on what's going on in her head. You have a long road ahead. Make you (and kids if you have them) the priority.

Sighing · 14/10/2015 09:22

Respond you expect the harrassment to stop. (Print that out). Keep copies, go to the police as doon as she emails again to make a complaint regarding harrassment. If the emails are from work, forward to HR (though they will already be able to monitor them).

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/10/2015 09:24

Block her email address: you don't need this.

Her reasons are her own. What's important is that you do what you need to take the best care of yourself.

Arfarfanarf · 14/10/2015 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 09:31

I know I don't need to know but I want to know - it makes feel in control of the situation I guess and also the way I process things is to understand.

axelick you speak a lot of sense. I guess I can't imagine wanting to hurt the 'innocent parties' ie me and the DC. Him yes but not me.

OP posts:
Ihaveonelikethis · 14/10/2015 09:35

I would send her some ads for jobs from a recruitment website.

reni2 · 14/10/2015 09:46

Is their affair over? Maybe she thought he'd marry her? Some blokes feed the ow the "marriage is over" line, so she might have got her hopes up. Maybe she is now of the "if I can't have him, no-one can" mindset? Very weird. I would find it hard to resist asking her.

Original poster
AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 09:47

I know! I really want to send an email back aimed at hurting her or being a bitch to her. Some of things she has assumed about me - I want to defend. But I am trying to take the dignified route and also know that it was H who betrayed me not her

OP posts:
ffffffedup · 14/10/2015 09:48

What does she say in her emails?

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 09:49

You are still with him?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/10/2015 09:49

save all emails to start with

send a formal email saying this constitutes as malicious harassment, and advise her that you have saved each and very missive from her

say she needs to stop now, and you are speaking with a solicitor to get advise on how to prevent her harassment

also advise that if she does not cease communicating immediately you will also forward screenshots of every email to the work HR

full stop.

what a fucking twat, she needs exising

Inertia · 14/10/2015 09:49

She's either doing it to try and get back at your H via you, or she's using all the means she can to break the family up completely.

Expecting an OW who had an affair with a married man to start thinking of the wellbeing of his wife and children is something of a lost cause, to be honest- she doesn't give a shiny shite how distressed you and the children are .

Threefishys · 14/10/2015 09:50

As someone who has been perpetually harrassed by my exh wife/now ex wife I can state that it will take more than a few emails to make the police take any action.

wheresthebeach · 14/10/2015 09:52

Agree with others than her motives aren't something to think about.

Either tell her that you will send all emails to her boss if she doesn't stop, or just do it and block her.

Concentrate on you for the moment.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/10/2015 09:53

the OW does not know that though, in actual fact the threat that you will contact HR with all copies might scare her more than the police threat TBH

is she emailing you on the work email OP?

BinToHellAndBack · 14/10/2015 09:56

So sorry you're going through this Flowers.

A couple of weeks after my ex had an affair the OW asked me round to hers (we'd been close friends). I thought it might be to apologise or try to explain so I went. Turned out it was to tell me that the affair had resumed again and that I'd had the wool pulled over my eyes. She was smug about it! Then started to throw herself around wailing about what an awful person she was.

In hindsight I think she was incredibly insecure and needed the feeling of being 'chosen' by a married man (especially being chosen even once the 'pick me' dance had begun). Telling me was probably an attempt to get me to leave so she could secure him for herself. He thrived on her emotional turmoil and being her rescuer, so her upsetting me just made him feel more like he needed to protect her (for that reason I think it may have also been to get his attention). To my shame it went on for ages until I eventually saw sense and left the whole sorry mess, but it turned me into a paranoid emotional wreck first.

Don't engage with either of them and their horribleness. Block and look after yourself; you are vulnerable right now and don't need their head-messing. Knowing too many details ends up hurting more as you then have real scenarios to play over in your head and torture yourself with.

Olivepip59 · 14/10/2015 09:57

Some of things she has assumed about me

I'm afraid that they might not be assumptions, your OH may well have told her things that are untrue in order to seduce her.

My friend's H told his mistress they had not slept in the same bed for three years, that she was mentally unwell and her children would love a different mother.

The OW actually believed it was just a matter of time until they were together and my friend neatly away in an asylum or something.

She wrote several times to ask her to step aside for the sake of her kids abs her poor unhappy boyfriend.

Sadly the police did not see it as harassment but a decent solicitor warned her off eventually.

I hope you sort it, on top of everything else you're dealing with. Flowers

bigbumbrunette · 14/10/2015 10:00

When I was in the same situation I reported it to 101. The Police did come to take a statement from me and advised me to not respond to her other than one message to say 'do not make another further contact with me via email, letter, social media or face to face' and to let her know she had been reported for harrassment. I did also add a little 'you weren't the only one so I'd suggest an sti check'.

maybebabybee · 14/10/2015 10:00

I totally understand how tempting it must be to engage with her but honestly everyone else posting here is right - you should just ignore. Send her a short email saying if she contacts you again you will report her for harassment and then leave it. No good can come of talking to her.

BabyGanoush · 14/10/2015 10:04

agree with maybe baby

Original poster
AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 10:11

Think the police is a bit far at the moment as they don't threaten my safety or property just threats about telling other people, what she can say to HR etc etc.

She is now using her and H personal emails. And she is using my personal email address.

Solicitors is a good idea. I've got an appointment coming up to explore my legal options and so will talk to them about it.

For info (but I won't be making further comment) H and I have decided to seek professional help to see if we want to try again or split. To explore the issues that led us to this point but not to make any desions either way at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 10:14

bigbrum. You made me laugh and I admire your style!

OP posts:
specialsubject · 14/10/2015 10:18

just block her emails after the final contact, ditto social media etc. Your husband needs to do the same.

she wants to split you up and get her second-hand man. That's the motive.

good luck in whatever you decide.

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