The OW keeps emailing me

[AfterTheAffair]

So I found out about H affair last week cos OW emailed me. I have other threads under a diff username.

They work together and their work HR is involved. In her case it seems to be about using company email and equipment for personal use.

Anyway since the affair she continues to email H and also me.

Why does she want me to be hurt, upset etc. Him I can understand but me - I don't get it.

Any insight into OW behaviour / motives gratefully received.

She's pissed at you because she has lost control and him Not to mention that he used her for a quick fuck now & then, that's got to hurt (yes, I know op is hurting too, and I am not minimising that,) but think of the lies he probably told her, which spurred her into telling you (because she believed him when he said he was going to leave), which meant she was dropped like a hot brick.

How used would she feel (morals of having an affair aside)

As for reconciling, remember, your dh used a woman for sex & dropped her when the going got tough. I couldn't be with a man who thought so little of women.

When I wasn't sure if I wanted him, he went to the only woman he knows that is desperate, insecure and loose enough to sleep with a married man.He has assured me, and I do believe that, you were just a hole to stick it in when the mood took him and I didn't want him.

That's vile. Especially as he probably told her many lies in order to get her into bed.

So it sounds like he's shagged her, landed her in more trouble than him at work (?) and has now dumped her to go back to the wife that he's doubtless been slagging off to high heaven with her

I agree though that any crap she comes out with about you, has quite possibly been fuelled by his comments. Agree on both counts.

OMG cannot believe the above, are you a 15 year old adolescent off in the holidays, what a vile way to think!

I do agree too with the bottom part but quite honestly, that opening para has made me feel a bit sick.

My post was really vile on a second reading. But that was kind of the point? Surely there's never an excuse for sleeping with a married man. Unless genuinely cluelessness that he was married. These things don't seem as bad when you first type them/ type the first thing that pops into head. But then I did say it was childish and vindictive.

Glad you're going to take the high road and not respond to her. I fear in a similar situation I couldn't be that dignified. Hope everything works out OP.

I don't know how anyone could feel for the OW here. Yes, the H may have fed her some lies to get her in to bed, BUT:

a) She knowingly slept with a married man.

b) Upon being found out, her response is to start threatening the innocent wife!

The OW is clearly not a nice person and she gets zero sympathy from me.

I would like to know what the threats are?? If there are any hints of violence, I would most certainly report it. Perhaps you could get her done for harrassment.

Surely there's never an excuse for sleeping with a married man.

To be fair some women are completely lied to and told man in question is single.

And what is said cheater of a husband doing about any of this, exactly..........We are only hearing one sided story, and how did OW get wife's email......

You could summarise all day and blame OW, they are both vile.

I would print out all the emails she's sent you, especially the ones from her work email, and send them to their HR/boss.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide in the short, and the long, term.

Rest assured I am not ignoring the H issues but I know him and our marriage and so can at the moment think about that. But I have no experience of OW, adultery etc etc and mumsnet (sadly) does.

She got my email address by going into H's gmail account to which somehow she gained the password.

Her threats are not violent just about what she is going to tell work, what damage she is going to do to his life etc etc.

My worry is she knows where I live as he brought her to our home (bastard). She has gone on about the stuff he has left at hers and how to get it back to him. Before we both cut contact he told her to bin it. She emailed his work account yesterday to say she would give it to a colleague to give to him at a meeting but at the meeting today nothing was handed over. So it gives her something else to email on or turn up at my house.

But speculation is pointless I guess.

She got your H's gmail password? He doesn't use the same password for a lot of things, does he? This could be the tip of the iceberg.

What an awful situation. You know, on top of the other awful situation. Your H needs to report her for emailing him on a personal matter, presumably she has been warned not to.

You can block her email.

Ignore her as best you can and block her.

Let your Husband deal with the rest.

Focus on your relationship with him and him repairing trust.

OMG! OP, you seem to be focusing on entirely the wrong person here.

You seem to think its you and your H against the big bad ow.
You H should be hanging his head in shame, bringing this awful crap to your door. She SOMEHOW managed to get your H password and gain access to mail you on your personal address.

You must be either a mug or a very compliant wife to put up with this bullshit from both him and her.

Whatever about deciding to try again after an affair, the fact that this woman is mailing you should speak volumes about your H, can't you see, he is feeding you a line.
He is one lying , cheating bastard. He must have fed her some amount of shit for her to be contacting you now. She in turn, must e one hell of a dim idiot ( although possibly very angry too), to resort to mailing you.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your family is rid yourself of that lying cheating scumbag, all you are doing to telling him, you are accepting of his behaviour and he will do it again.
Funny how they always want to go to councilling after the affair.

How did you find out about the affair,I bet he didn't come clean until he knew there was no way out, ie discipline at work or her mails. Was he going to end it with her and hope you would never find out?

OP I'm very sorry the OW is doing this. My ex's OW has emailed me a couple of times, not abusive as such, but it still feels a violation that she contacts you in your home.

I would guess that the OW wants to hurt you because you have want she wants - your husband. Possibly she thinks if she causes enough aggro you will get fed up with it and kick him out.

Whatever the reasons why the OW is contacting you and causing you upset she can only do so because your husband put himself in this position. He didn't consider your feelings when he was cheating on you.

I would consider replying with "please do not contact me again or I will take this further" but I would also be considering whether your husband is worth all of this upset.

Is she about to lose her job but him not? Was he her superior at work? How about you suggest she get legal advice about sexual discrimination and harassment?

Not being flippant, I know this is awful for you, but if she loses her job but he doesn't, that's disgusting and I can understand her lashing out in desperation.

It's highly unlikely that any colleague would actually hand over personal stuff in a meeting, though, isn't it? Unless there's another colleague who has it in for your h, but even then it would reflect on the colleague more than anything else due to it being utterly unprofessional behaviour.

Empty threats, she's just trying to cause as much hurt and upset as she herself is feeling, which I can understand to an extent. She is behaving very badly in every possible way, and should be disciplined. So should your h though. So far he seems to be escaping consequence.

jux H is in no way escaping consequences at work or at home but I am not commenting on them here. I am finding the extreme end of the LTB brigade unhelpful at this stage of my journey / thinking.

And you were right no bag was handed over so I'm sure we will hear from her shortly about it. Until the employment investigation / disciplinary process is sorted for H I defiantly a going to remain not in contact and just let his company do what they do.

Why are people focusing on the h here? Yes, the ow is the ow because he was the one who slept with her, but he is not responsible for her actions any more than she is responsible for his. iyswim.

When an op posts here that her h has been having an affair the advice is always to focus on the h and that the ow isn't the one who needs to be held responsible. Well in this instance the ow is the one sending emails to the op, whether they are motivated by the end of the affair with op's h is irrelevant. the ow and the ow alone is responsible for the fact she is making a conscious choice to send those emails.

And whether she knew that the op's h was married or not is no longer relevant. The fact is, she does now know that he is married, therefore she is responsible for sending emails to his wife - the op.

Op the block button is your friend here. No need for stress, no need for anxiety over this, block and pretend she never existed. in email terms at least.

"OP, you seem to be focusing on entirely the wrong person here. "

She is focusing on this particular issue of this particular situation as this is what she wants advice on currently. If she had posted 'Please tell me whether to LTB' we could help her with that. But she hasn't.

It is not irrelevant, it's the actual reason the OW is contacting her, she has access to both the husband's email and the wife's.......funny that, oh yeah she guessed the password, right.

The point folk are making is it's not the OPs job to clean up the mess he has left behind, he should be doing it, not her.