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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The OW keeps emailing me

69 replies

AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 09:11

So I found out about H affair last week cos OW emailed me. I have other threads under a diff username.

They work together and their work HR is involved. In her case it seems to be about using company email and equipment for personal use.

Anyway since the affair she continues to email H and also me.

Why does she want me to be hurt, upset etc. Him I can understand but me - I don't get it.

Any insight into OW behaviour / motives gratefully received.

OP posts:

ToTheGups · 14/10/2015 10:18

Is it the work email OP? If so then I would certainly send copies of everything to her he department.

ToTheGups · 14/10/2015 10:21

Sorry cross posted. I agree with blocking her.

ijustwannadance · 14/10/2015 10:22

She's pissed at you because she has lost control and him. I'm assuming she told you about affair as either he told her it was over or she was fed up of his false promises of leaving his horrible wife.

Tram10 · 14/10/2015 10:25

She want's to destroy your attempts to reconcile, she wants you to kick him out so he will run to her.

She is an evil cow, hopefully your DH realises what he got embroiled with.

Original poster

AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 10:33

Tram and I just - yes that's exactly what happened.

Reading everyone's posts I can already feel my need to understand her motives and keep connected to the emails reduce. So thank you so much.

OP posts:

wickedlazy · 14/10/2015 10:56

I would reply to her:

Really embarrassed for you. You're just not getting it... When I wasn't sure if I wanted him, he went to the only woman he knows that is desperate, insecure and loose enough to sleep with a married man. He has assured me, and I do believe that, you were just a hole to stick it in when the mood took him and I didn't want him. Never anything more. You wern't even his first choice, just the only one that would have him considering the circumstances. We've reached the stage now that we can laugh about your sad little attempts to come between us, including your emails. You must lead a very boring life. When I found out about you, and decided I did love him, he jumped at the chance to sort things with me. He couldn't give a rats ass about you and never really did. Have your little fantasy of him leaving me for you by all means, but know that's all it is, a fantasy. May it keep you warm in bed at night. I actually feel a bit sorry for you, or I would be contacting the police. Still a bit worried you are going to "boil our bunny" so to speak, so I will not rule out future police involvement if you do not desist from contacting me. Please have some self respect and move on.

But then I'm childish and vindictive etc and wouldn't have taken him back!

wickedlazy · 14/10/2015 11:01

Forgot

When I decided I did love him, (I have you to thank for that! Sometimes it's not until we think we might loose something we realise how much it means to us, and we are stronger now than ever)

Fratelli · 14/10/2015 11:20

It's harassment and I would log it with the police and tell her you have done so. If she continues they will go and have a word. Nothing like arresting her or anything but just a word with her to discourage her from further contact

Stevenhydesafro1 · 14/10/2015 11:27

When my ex was sending daily abusive emails I had an email add on which meant I could return the emails to make it appear the emails had been bounced back because. He never got the satisfaction of knowing I had read them.

Ouriana · 14/10/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needmoresleep · 14/10/2015 11:30

If she is using work email, reply to her, copy HR (and blind copy your husband) saying that you do not want to receive this sort of correspondence from her firm, or her personal email, at such a difficult time. By copy could the HR department confirm that their employee will cease contacting you.

HR should read it as an employee sending inappropriate material using their systems, eg that they could be equally liable should it continue.

tribpot · 14/10/2015 11:30

How on earth does she even have your email address?

Did the harassment start from her work email address? If so, I would definitely forward them to the HR department and say you intend to take legal advice on appropriate next steps.

I assume your H is avoiding her completely at work, and she hopes that by harassing you he will be forced to speak to her to ask her to stop. I would set up an auto response to any email from her saying 'this email has been logged and then deleted unread. Cease and desist contact immediately'.

VocationalGoat · 14/10/2015 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VocationalGoat · 14/10/2015 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zarzu · 14/10/2015 11:38

By punishing you she is punishing him. Probably hoping you will split up. Can you not block her? Some people are just cruel and I am sorry you have had to go through this

BoboChic · 14/10/2015 11:42

She probably emailed you to try to create a catalyst for him to leave you for her. Since it didn't work immediately, she is carrying on.

WeAllFloat · 14/10/2015 11:54

Honestly, when it comes to stuff like this, stay silent. Her impotence at being able to affect you will frustrate her, her imagination will torment her wondering what is happening, and you remain utterly aloof which will make her feel pathetic. You are the wife, you are of a higher status than her by default and she wants to drag you down into spats so she feels less like scum.

Kaekae · 14/10/2015 11:58

I'd ignore her, silence speaks volumes sometimes. She probably desperately wants you to reply. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of my reply.

Aramynta · 14/10/2015 12:23

Don't give her the pleasure of your time After

If she ramps it up after that i.e turning up at your home or calling/texting then nip it in the bud by calling 101. For now maintain a dignified silence and let the evidence build up.

OnlyLovers · 14/10/2015 12:29

I wouldn't respond, Ignore and block her emails.

Worth keeping all her emails to you, though, in case they're needed for anything further down the line.

Original poster

AfterTheAffair · 14/10/2015 12:33

I am convinced that at the moment dignified silence is the right way to go. And I have set an email rule that any emails go to a speedster folder. That way I don't have them burning a whole in my inbox but I do have the evidence.

H has however told his boss about the last threatening email as it refers to the hr processes they are both going through. He to is being investigated with regard to work / affair issues but so far he's only had o e informal meeting and he doesn't really know what the companies thinking is with regard to him. Boss was particularly unhelpful and understandably fed up of the whole thing. And HR is done through line managers so there is no HR for employees as it where.

Again thank you for all your support.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 14/10/2015 12:40

So it sounds like he's shagged her, landed her in more trouble than him at work (?) and has now dumped her to go back to the wife that he's doubtless been slagging off to high heaven with her.

Yeah, I get why she's pissed.

Doesn't excuse her behaviour, but explains it. You don't need to worry about her motivations because they're not your concern, and they'll be fairly obvious anyway.

You're doing the right thing with dignified silence.

Cabrinha · 14/10/2015 12:41

I agree though that any crap she comes out with about you, has quite possibly been fuelled by his comments. So I'd take that into counselling with you.

Needmoresleep · 14/10/2015 13:19

OP, it is really important that whatever you write is written carefully. Re read it and check it would sound measured and sensible if read out in court. You have enough going on and would not want to go to either the police or to court. However rising above whatever this silly woman is saying or writing, whilst not tolerating her unacceptable behaviour, puts you in a better position. The right tone, without being directly threatening, should make HR think you would be organised if it did go to court, and so cause them to take action to prevent you being contacted again.

In the short term its tempting to hit back, but this makes you look little better than her. You are better than her, and in the longer term that self-respect is important to have.

Good luck.

Jan45 · 14/10/2015 13:28

He did some number on her and sounds like he's doing the same on you now, watch a catch.

Why are you cleaning up his shit, oh yeah, cos it's your fault it happened no doubt, kick him out and save your self respect.

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