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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you date someone who had cheated in their previous marriage?

63 replies

TangledUpInGin · 14/10/2015 07:48

Just that really? Chatting to a guy who had an affair, his marriage wasn't working, they tried counselling but obviously didn't work. He said he regrets having the affair, the woman meant nothing () and he wished he'd ended his marriage with dignity. My ex had an affair so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by not wanting to carry on chatting? He's been very honest in telling me, especially after he knew what had happened to me. I'm of the view that if you've done this before, you'll do it again?

OP posts:

Spidertracker · 14/10/2015 07:59

I wouldn't, a leopard never changes its spots etc.
That said I am sure that there are people who have married a previous cheater and changed them, but if it was me I would be spending my life wondering/waiting for it to happen.

ExConstance · 14/10/2015 08:01

I would not rule out a relationship with someone who had cheated in a previous marriage. I won't set out the circumstances which for me could be acceptable but consolation in difficult times with a close friend would probably be about it. I would however never have a relationship with someone who had had a continuing sexual relationship with a woman who "meant nothing" that says it all about his character.

Anastasie · 14/10/2015 08:02

No I wouldn't - not when he gives that as his pathetic reason. And the comment about her meaning nothing would have me saying 'bye' and deleting him entirely.

Follow your

CocoPlum · 14/10/2015 08:03

I don't think I could. My ex denied cheating but at the very least had an emotional affair an over a year on I'm not sure how easy it would be to trust someone again, so from a starting point of them having cheated before, it would be even harder.

Thefitfatty · 14/10/2015 08:03

Well I wasn't married, but I was engaged for 6 years and cheated on my fiancee. I was 22 and it was a bad relationship that never should have gone on as long as it did. I was also suffering the beginning stages of bi-polar among other things, which made me very reckless.

10 years down the road I've been married to DH for over 5 years (together for 7), and I wouldn't dream of cheating. Not just because I love DH, but because of how horrid I felt when I cheated on my ex-fiancee. It wasn't worth it. Sometimes people need to make mistakes to learn from them.

redannie118 · 14/10/2015 08:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Joysmum · 14/10/2015 08:06

I wouldn't in that case because he's trying to justify it by saying 'it meant nothing' rather than saying he was wrong without the caveats.

If there were reasons and explanations why ultimately that cheater believed they had the right to cheat, so there always will be reasons why they'll have the right to cheat again when things aren't going their way.

SongBird16 · 14/10/2015 08:07

He's already told you he's a liar and a cheat, capable of manipulation and deceit to get what he wants, so I wouldn't want him or be able to attach too much credence to his story.

CMOTDibbler · 14/10/2015 08:12

No, I wouldn't. Because it shows a fundamental lack of respect for their spouse and to me that is far bigger than what they do with their genitals.

In OPs case, telling her that 'the woman meant nothing' additionally disrespects that woman as well.

lighteningirl · 14/10/2015 08:15

Men and women cheat for a lot of reasons and sometimes find it very hard to articulate those reasons. My dh cheated in his previous marriage but he views it as just another way he desperately tried to make his first marriage to an ea work. He tried everything rather than leave his dc. He is the kindest nicest most faithful man I know. We have been married nearly ten amazing years I am really glad I wasn't wearing my judgy pants when we started dating.

00100001 · 14/10/2015 08:18

No - because imo there's never an excuse to have an affair.

Lweji · 14/10/2015 08:19

I agree with pps in relation to the not meaning anything. And the continued affair. Presumably he got caught out, rather than came clean.

I'd probably be more forgiving of falling in love with someone else and being honest about it.

Secondtimeround75 · 14/10/2015 08:22

My friend did and 10 yrs later he did it to her.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 14/10/2015 08:26

An married acquaintance of mine (not quite a friend), 30, daughter aged 3, last year had a fling with a guy. Husband was a really decent guy and was totally devastated. She has since moved in with new man. New man has form for cheating on the mother of his children and so they are both as bad as each other. Interestingly, she has been having counselling for the last 9 months for issues of "extreme jealousy and trust issues". Of her own making.

BolshierAryaStark · 14/10/2015 08:33

I wouldn't no, he's admitted he's capable of lying & cheating, these are not qualities I look for in a potential partner.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 14/10/2015 08:35

In a word, no.

patienceisvirtuous · 14/10/2015 08:47

No. I have a friend who is dating someone who cheated on his wife, left her for ow, then cheated on ow. Both times he cheated it was long-term deceit. He then left his last ex because they had fertility problems. I worry for her tbh :(

magiccatlitter · 14/10/2015 08:58

So her regrets the affair because the ow meant nothing or because having an affair is the wrong way of handling things?

I see his honesty as a set up tbh. It's like "I'm telling you I'm this way so it's all on you if I cheat later because after all I told you and you accepted me anyway."

MrsTammySwanson · 14/10/2015 09:00

ComeDownToMe · 14/10/2015 09:02

DP cheated when he was married. I did think once a cheater always a cheater and needed reassurance he wouldn't do it to me.

He has reassured me. It does not excuse his cheating but people behave differently with different people. I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat.

ChilliAndMint · 14/10/2015 09:04

Not for someone who had an affair and tells you ow meant " nothing" to him.

If it was the case of him falling madly in love with the other woman ,I might see things in a different light.

Joysmum · 14/10/2015 09:06

I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2015 09:09

Hmm, I would be very wary... Which is completely hypocritical of me, since I cheated on my ex. With someone who also meant nothing.

It's not something I will ever do again. I was young and arrogantly naive. Nothing could induce me to cheat on DH.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2015 09:13

^I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat.

So, in conclusion, most people in good relationships don't cheat (but some therefore will). And if there are problems, some will cheat (but some won't).

And on Mondays the sun will mostly shine. But it might also rain.

00100001 · 14/10/2015 09:38

I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat.

Nice.

The act of cheating tells you what kind of person they are - it's irrelevant, in a way, what the relationship is like. Cheating is cheating. You can try and justify it anyway you like "ohhh, but I was so unhappy" or "He was never around" or whatever. The fact remains is you cheated on someone. You lied and were deceitful, you broke the trust of another person for your own personal wants. That makes you a bad person. Have the morality to end one relationship before you start another. If you can't do that, you're quite weak.

Now obviously, there may be some people here who feel there would be an acceptable circumstance in which to cheat. But I can't think of any situation in which it would be OK.

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