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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you date someone who had cheated in their previous marriage?

63 replies

TangledUpInGin · 14/10/2015 07:48

Just that really? Chatting to a guy who had an affair, his marriage wasn't working, they tried counselling but obviously didn't work. He said he regrets having the affair, the woman meant nothing () and he wished he'd ended his marriage with dignity. My ex had an affair so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by not wanting to carry on chatting? He's been very honest in telling me, especially after he knew what had happened to me. I'm of the view that if you've done this before, you'll do it again?

OP posts:

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 14/10/2015 09:58

If affairs are a deal breaker for you then you shouldn't.

molyholy · 14/10/2015 10:02

The 'it meant nothing' thing would rile me I'm afraid. It would make me stay away

Lelania · 14/10/2015 16:00

I think the people you really have to watch out for are the people that cheated and who don't tell you about it to be honest. If someone admits to cheating at least they are being truthful.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/10/2015 16:16

I might, if I generally felt comfortable with the person and sensed he had the right values and that his admission was a sign of honesty and learning from his mistakes.

What does your own spidey sense say?

I've never experienced cheating from near or far, though, so it's not a dealbreaker for me. You have experienced it, so it's likely to be more emotive for you, and you are entitled to draw your red lines wherever you please, without worrying about whether you are "overreacting".

You're in this life to take care of yourself, and you don't need to feel that you "should" accept anything that you are personally uncomfortable with.

Wtfmummy · 14/10/2015 16:20

I'm torn on this - my head says "of course I wouldn't get involved - he's got previous..." But my heart says "everyone makes mistakes and at least he has been honest..." Tricky one - follow your gut instinct but if you decide to go for it you must leave that knowledge to one side and not use it against him or let the knowledge of it taint your view of him

ILiveAtTheBeach · 14/10/2015 16:22

Cheating is not always cut and dried. I cheated on my ExH (in fairness he cheated on me so many times, I just got to the point where I knew we were broken beyond repair, so then I did it too). But it was still cheating. I was broken and looking for something I had lost at home. I think looking back I actually had a breakdown and ended up doing things that were totally out of character!

As for the old "a leopard never changes his spots", that is utter rubbish. I am now remarried and would not dream of cheating on my DH. Not for a million quid! When I met my DH, I told him what I did in the past (and why). I didn't want anything in the closet. I thought if he loves me it has to be warts and all. And he does.

I think the fact that he has told you about what he did, is hugely encouraging. If he was a"jack the lad" he would not tell you this. I think he wants a totally honest start with you. I would not write this off.

CremeEggThief · 14/10/2015 16:22

No way.

FredaMayor · 14/10/2015 16:26

He might do it again, who knows? The world is not fair. The problem I think you have, OP, is that you will always know what he did.

redredblue · 14/10/2015 16:27

No because it shows a certain mindset.
If things get tough they don't think of working on their relationship, look elsewhere.
Every relationship has its issues, but some people deal with it better than others. He is not one of those people.
Also you wouldn't 100% trust him.

Skiptonlass · 14/10/2015 17:02

No.

he's not really remorseful is he? Meant nothing, etc etc. And it wasn't a teenage fling, they were married.

No remorse plus track record of cheating? No way.

Obs2015 · 14/10/2015 17:05

No.
I would never cheat. It goes against all my principals.
And I would never date a cheater. Never. Ever.

Annwfyn · 14/10/2015 17:22

I think it's a meaningless question. Your deal breakers are your own. I think if you're going to go into the relationship not trusting him and expecting him to 'prove himself' and make amends for sins from a former relationship then probably best not.

I do think, however, that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is largely bollocks. Loads of people mess up relationships, and then learn, mature and move on. That's the point of life isn't it? Learning and becoming a better person? But if you don't feel comfortable, then don't. We all have random deal breakers. I have a friend who won't date anyone who has ever voted Tory, for example, for fairly similar reasons.

flightywoman · 14/10/2015 17:30

In all honesty, my heart says no, I don't think I could trust someone not to do the same to me. If I was told at an early stage then I think I would cut my losses and run...

If I was already more involved I don't know what I'd do. It would depend on the level of remorse, the respect or not with which he speaks about the other parties involved, and a lot of other factors.

00100001 · 14/10/2015 17:32

lelania says I think the people you really have to watch out for are the people that cheated and who don't tell you about it to be honest. If someone admits to cheating at least they are being truthful."

But they're also saying "This is what I'm like, so if I do it to you, don't say you weren't warned"

Think about the situation if it was only slightly different - and I shall use OPs words.

Chatting to a guy who had an affair hit his ex, his marriage wasn't working, they tried counselling but obviously didn't work. He said he regrets having the affair the violence, the woman meant nothing (hmm) and he wished he'd ended his marriage with dignity. My ex had an affair hit me so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by not wanting to carry on chatting? He's been very honest in telling me, especially after he knew what had happened to me. I'm of the view that if you've done this before, you'll do it again?

NOW would you say things like :

"I think the people you really have to watch out for are the people that cheated hit exes and who don't tell you about it to be honest. If someone admits to cheating hitting exes at least they are being truthful."

No, you'd be telling them run a mile.

So why would it be OK to give a cheating partner a chance over the violent partner (or any other deal breaker)?

00100001 · 14/10/2015 17:44

"Loads of people mess up relationships, and then learn, mature and move on. That's the point of life isn't it? Learning and becoming a better person? "

There's messing up. That's things like... Shouting when your'e tired. OR... not realising that you're pulling your weight with the housework... or inadvertently upsetting your partner with a comment. Messing up is an unintentional act.

On the other hand. There's lying, being dishonest, abusive and deceitful. Cheating on someone. Hitting someone. Lying about things. Stealing. All the kind of things that every person knows are terrible things to do to people. No mater the "justification" in your mind, it's still not OK to do anything, and it shouldn't me minimised and "brushed off" as a "mistake"

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 14/10/2015 19:52

I love you guys the majority are exactly what I was thinking - no matter how shit things have been in a relationship I have never, and would think it nigh on impossible that I ever would. I think it's something intrinsically within you as a person. I'm far older more experienced than I was 15 years ago and just don't think someone who could do this to their wife and children, with someone who meant nothing, is worth the hassle. I think a lot of it is the justification of the bad marriage and she meant nothing that has pissed me off if she meant nothing, why on earth did you do it? He's sent a few messages saying he didn't think he'd explained himself well and he was sorry et al, but I just think he's a bit of a twat now anyway, onwards and upwards and thank you wisely ladies

OP posts:

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 14/10/2015 20:02

Not unless he/she had received individual counselling and gained true insight into why they made the choice they did to cheat. As others have said, being unhappy, even if true (and I'd be questioning that too), is irrelevant to what cheating says about someone's character. This wasn't a youthful, stupid indiscretion. This was a marriage.

NewLife4Me · 14/10/2015 20:04

Nay and thrice nay.
You just wouldn't be so daft?

AnyFucker · 14/10/2015 20:07

With someone who "meant nothing" ?

Not on your life

lavenderhoney · 14/10/2015 21:33

I met someone recently, through acquaintances, who wanted to date me. He told of his loveless marriage, his commitment to his incredibly successful career and how he had a fling and his DW found out, and kicked him to the kerb, taking all she could and was icy towards him.

Turned out on closer questioning his description of a " fling" was a 4 year relationship with a co worker whom he led to believe he would leave his DW for but didn't (!) and he was horrified that the younger ow would think he would leave his sad and lonely marriage. She ended up leaving her job. He stayed, selflessly ( his words) dealing with the office gossip.

I have to say I sat in silence whilst he told me the whole story, I felt a wave of sympathy for the ow who had clearly been led along by the nose, and an inward smile for his DW who recognised an opportunity to get rid of a cheating asshole when she saw it.

And I'm happy to say I thanked him for dinner, said I thought he had issues with his morals and ethics which meant he wouldn't be seeing me again. So no, it's unlikely I'd ever date and contemplate a relationship with a serial shagger or someone who fucked up a woman's life by telling lies. They are pretty recognisable though, thankfully:)

Muckogy · 14/10/2015 21:35

no.

if he did it to other women before you, he will do it to you.

i would steer well clear of this loser.

SkandiStyle · 14/10/2015 21:42

No. I value integrity more than just about anything else. So, just no. Never.

NumbBlaseCold · 14/10/2015 21:45

I would be very wary.

Even more so if they tried to excuse or absolve their responsibility.

If they tried to blame or said how things would be different in'our relationship...

All of these would be red flags and I'd run.

I would err towards no because you would only ever hear their version, not the truth.

Knowing they had cheated, especially serially, I would wonder if I had created a vacancy.

IMO someone who throws everything away for 'nothing' is lying and/or being an idiot, or both.

Neither thing is desirable to me.

Sallystyle · 14/10/2015 22:29

Well my DH married me.

We have been together for 10 years and I have not cheated or have ever been tempted to.

This leopard changed her spots because I grew up when I hated what I saw in the mirror. I was very young and in a very bad marriage and he betrayed me in a very different way. I have a lot of reasons for what I did but I should have picked up the courage to leave instead. My reasons are still not excusable. I am not interested in other men, and I never want to feel bad about myself like I did back then or hurt my DH so deeply. DH is amazing and we have been through a lot of shit together but not once have I ever been temped to cheat . I made a horribly shit decision when I was young and really screwed up, but people aren't static, they do grow and change.

DH was right to trust me.

If I would trust someone who cheated in a marriage would depend on many factors. Their age at the time, how they talk about it, if they have taken responsibility for it and so on.

But believe me, people who cheat once can and do go on to never repeat that behaviour ever again. I never, ever want to be that person again and I still carry the guilt around with me.

Sallystyle · 14/10/2015 22:37

People's mindsets do change.

My marriage has had tough periods, we have had to deal with more shit in 10 years than most people have to deal with in a lifetime. Not once have I thought about cheating.

It's not my mindset anymore and hasn't been for over a decade.

If someone cheated just a few short years ago I would be more wary.

I did a lot when I was in my early 20's that I wouldn't do now because I have grown up. I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than have an affair. I hated who I was back then. I was a scared 20 year old and I really fucked up. But it is not my mindset as a 34 year old.

That is why each situation would be different for me and I can't answer the question with a blanket yes or no.

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