Would you date someone who had cheated in their previous marriage?

[TangledUpInGin]

Just that really? Chatting to a guy who had an affair, his marriage wasn't working, they tried counselling but obviously didn't work. He said he regrets having the affair, the woman meant nothing () and he wished he'd ended his marriage with dignity. My ex had an affair so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by not wanting to carry on chatting? He's been very honest in telling me, especially after he knew what had happened to me. I'm of the view that if you've done this before, you'll do it again?

My ex-husband (still sounds strange) cheated on his first wife. He didn't bother to tell me and just said they had married young and grew apart etc. I had no reason to doubt what he said.

I only found out last year (we met in 1986) after discovering he had cheated on me. Turned out serially.

If he had been honest with me when we first met I don't think I would have met him again. Possibly if he had told me further into our relationship when there were strong feelings involved I may have given him a chance depending what he had said as I did think he was a good man and might have believed it had been an out of character mistake even though it went against what I believed in.

Now? If I was young enough to run a mile I would. OP if he's telling you the OW "meant nothing" his cheating very much sounds like entitlement which basically means if he wants to he will and he doesn't think it's wrong.

No.

Definitely not. I was engaged to someone who had cheated in previous relationships. I never thought he'd do it to me. A few years later he did.

Once or twice I've heard a man say "well she knew what I was like before she married me."

it would depend on how he told the story back to me. if he was saying he had grown close to somebody else because his marriage was in trouble and that he'd learned the lesson to end one relationship before starting another, then maybe yes.

If he was talking about how the woman ''meant nothing'' and implying that his xw over reacted to a bit of meant-nothing cheating then no way. Or if he listed off some of his xw's faults in his defence, then no way

But actually, I kind of think each relationship is like a whole new contract. NOW I wouldn't be with somebody who didn't treat me with respect, but in younger years, I had some bfs who were either a bit too competitive, or they didn't treat me how i wanted to be treated and instead of dumping them, I'd dish out a bit of disrespect myself............ stupid. But I'm all growed up now. I did cheat on a bf in 1999. I was working up to breaking it off. It was the first time I'd ever been in a serious relationship and I had no idea how to face ending it. I was a coward. I'm not now.

I've just had a 1st date with a guy, who after chatting for an hour or so got onto the subject of how his marriage ended. He had an affair. Shame, because that's how my marriage ended and it obviously rang alarm bells in my ears!! Saying all that, he was honest from the outset, and that's a positive! I shall be guarded if this continues. Let's hope some leopards do change their spots. My exh wasn't one of them!

People aren't leopards.

And he didn't have to tell you anything about this marriage or the reasons it ended, the details are really none of your business at this stage, OP.

I'd be more bothered about somebody telling me they'd ended their marriage on a whim, to see 'what else was out there' - and that does happen. Having feelings (however wrong and misguided) for somebody else is a reason to end a marriage. Better that there's no overlap but people aren't perfect and do so 'like to get their ducks in a row'.

ZOMBIE THREAD

ffs, why isn’t there an alert at the beginning of zombie threads?

I think if the relationship is good most people don't cheat, if there are problems then some people will cheat

Nieve outlook my marriage had no issues thought we were happy but he cheated because he's a greedy little fucker and selfish list can go on forever yep he had cheated previously before I knew him gave benefits of the doubt more fool me

When I was younger I would have said no. I'd never cheated and never been with anyone who'd cheated, and I thought much as the ladies here - cheating shows a moral flaw. For most cheaters that's true, but it's not always.

My husband cheated in his previous relationship. He was young and didn't know how to handle the shifty situation he'd gotten himself into. He was 17 when he got together with his ex and she was very EA (we were friends a long time before we got together so I saw it in action). He started trying to break up with her when he was 19 and it took him seven more years - every time he tried he tried her behaviour escalated until it became really extreme. He was very unhappy but felt completely trapped and cheated on her multiple times.

I, the person who said I'd never cheat, ended up cheating with him when I was part of a very complex and messy situation myself. Have never cheated before and would never do it again.

I don't think it's as black and white as people make out. My husband and I have had to deal with some really difficult things together, which a lot of couples wouldn't have survived, but neither of us have cheated again.

To be fair, lots of people will be happily with those who've cheated in the past, they just won't know it.

There absolutely are people who will cheat regardless of how good their relationship is, it's pathological. There are others who only cheat when their relationship is a mess and they don't know how to get out of it, and people in between. All cheating is just as bad, but these things make a difference as to whether or not it will happen again.

I gave my ex a shot knowing he’d cheated on his previous girlfriend. Took him about 3 years to cheat on me (and for that to happen three times before I saw sense). Our relationship wasn’t bad outside of the cheating, he just needed the ego boost and crucially, he thought he was more intelligent than me (“I’m top three of the most intelligent people I know” was an actual quote) which meant I could never catch him out. Obviously that wasn’t the case though I do doubt my intelligence given I stayed with him and only booted him out the third time!