A lonely single Dad.

[TheKnightsWhoSayNi]

At the age of 31, I find myself a single father to 3 kids, with a full time job, and mortgage and a complete waste of space for an ex. I'm sure there's more than a few of you here in the same predicament.

It's been nearly a year, and I feel I've made a lot of progress with my life. I've quit smoking, my bank account has never been healthier, I've gotten into such good shape that first time in my life I can see my abs, my kids are doing better in school amd are generally happier than they were when she was here, and now that she's not telling me I'm not allowed to I finally learned to drive and got a car, and without the stress of living with her I'm doing a lot better in work and got a nice pay rise as a result.

But, II just get lonely now. Especially since she effectively isolated me from my old friends, although I've reconnected with a couple of them and got in touch with my family again (who she also got rid of a while ago). Sometimes I feel like she was right and I'll never find anyone else and move on.

I don't get out much sincei don't want to leave my kids any one else more then is necessary now that it's just me, so I don't exactly get to meet new people very often. I hope I'm wrong, but it also seems that no woman I've met would go near a man of 31 with full custody of 3 kids. Please trek me I'm wrong about that. I've seen threads where it's been said that you wouldn't.

Oh give over ohdear. You know full well what the poster meant. How else was Owl supposed to phrase it to your satisfaction?

Agree that therapy might be an idea re adult in your corner. Ime old habits (ie toxic childhood habits) die hard and can pop up when we least want them. Good to have a professional by our side to flag them up should the need arise.

Springydaffs - no I won't give over. Dismissive language around mental health is really problematic for all sorts of reasons, there is still incredible stigma around MH issues and offhand remarks that set out MH issues = less worth as a human being are unacceptable. I'm tired of the stereotype around women with BPD in particular.

Language has power. Colluding in the othering of people with mental health problems is not acceptable.

Badly worded - no offense meant.

Your ex sounds like a bitch so thank God you have got rid of her. I have some mates who have controlling wives which quite frankly destroys them. Some people are like you say a waste of space and oxygen.

See her for what she was,get out there and liven your life. Sounds like you are on the way up so it will just be a matter of time...

OP, no one's mentioned looking at why you hooked up with someone with a possible personality disorder - why you felt that was all you were worth.

I wonder if you would ask all the women on Relationships that. I often wonder it myself, of both men AND women, but would direct the question at both genders, not just one.

Sorry, before someone corrects me, both sexes, not genders.

To be fair, a significant number of women on Relationships are often advised to do the Freedom Programme, which specifically looks at the reasons for duff relationship choices.

Oh DO fuck off with the snarky posts. Just fuck off.

Imagine a woman coming on here saying she's just got rid of a "waste of space" DH. You'd be knee deep in "You go, sistah!!" type posts. But a man.... oh no. It must be HIS fault.

Pathetic.

Totally agree. It is all her fault IMO. I pity the poor guy who will end up with her next.

OhDear & Springy - I didn't really want this to turn into a mental health issues debate. I agree that people with mental illnesses should be stigmatised the way they are. But at the same time, acceptance should be centred around it being OK to get help. The problem was that the illness was already there, but after her BPD diagnosis about 6 years ago now, it slowly became an all purpose excuse for everything she did. In that way, it became a form of emotional control for her. "You can't say anything about anything I do, because I've got an illness." That was essentially the attitude that destroyed things in the end, not the illness itself as I see it. I don't know how common that attitude is, but I've known two other girls with BPD and they managed to get along in life after they addressed their issues.

I also think it is a valid question as to why people would hook up with someone they know has serious issues. Not from a "why would you touch that" perspective, but I think there are only a few reasons why you would. Either, you think you can help them (noble, but misguided), you seek a kindred spirit (in which case you have issues yourself and they will likely clash in the end) or you seek to use it to control them. I personally thought I had found a kindred spirit, and I was arrogant enough in my youth to think I could help her and handle her problems where others could not.

And BTW - I'm OK with the negative comments. I think I started this thread in order to find out what the perception of my situation would be. And all the comments everyone has made (both positive and negative) have all been helpful in that.

I'm grateful for all the kind things people have said, though everyone is entitled to their opinion. They can only interpret what I've said after all.

OP you've done things the right way in my opinion for what its worth. You've spent the last year focusing on your children, your work and being happier in yourself, rather than running out looking for the next relationship. Borisstolemywig is right, a year isn't long, although I can imagine at times it feels like forever.

Take some of the advice and maybe look to join a local group in something you have an interest in to meet people of both sexes and build your confidence again. I can't imagine many women would be put off by a father of 3 who has full custody. As someone else said, I'd be more worried about a man who has children and doesn't have contact.

Wishing you all the best. I'm sure you wont be lonely for long!

You're a wise man. I mean it - clarity of thought and understanding.

I get you ohdear. As someone with a fair share of mh issues over the years (tho not pd) I am as aware of, and indignant about, the stereotyping as anybody. Maybe there's more I need to learn about tolerance towards PDs. Unfortunately, like op, I have been mashed to pieces subjected to someone with a pd who used it as an excuse to 1. Manipulate and destroy and 2. Take no personal responsibility. I probably have little, or compromised, patience for pd as a result. My bad.

Oops, I just noticed - should not be stigmatised. I'm sure that was obvious, though

You can't be perfect, Ni

Like the saying goes: nobody's perfect, and who wants to be a nobody?

OP, one thing I will say (and my OH would back me on this) is that being a single parent can be tough for the other partner in a relationship. Children as they turn into teenagers become more independent but their problems become more complicated, and there still can be huge dependence there at times when you perhaps least expect it.

Both OH and I know that if we didn't each have our own teenagers, we would probably struggle to 'get' the other one's life and inter-dependencies.

I think any LP needs support regardless of gender and agree if a woman had written this post some people would have been a bit kinder.

I have MH issues and have spent many years in and out of MH services. Having had quite a few sessions with a psychologist she thinks my Mother has an undiagnosed PD. Not everyone with a PD is an awful person and there is a lot of terrible stereotyping, one of my friends has this diagnosis and she is a great person. But if the OP ex was undiagnosed for many years and not getting help and taking lots of mind altering substances which can make MH issues worse then I would imagine her behaviours were incredibly extreme.

That's the strange thing about it, Anxious. The behaviours were always there, but got extreme after the diagnosis. For example, she has I've affair before, than I counted 4 in the years after (and I suspect another one or two, but I'm not sure about those). The drugs were only in the last two years, but things really went down hill thereafter. It was like she knew it was wrong before then, but after there was a word to out to it, she just stopped holding back.

No, not everyone with a PD is a bad person. But bad people can have them. And, if they didn't hurt those suffering with then and those around them, they wouldn't need to be treated. Basically, it's not their fault for having a problem. It's their fault if they chose not to treat it and hurt those around them.

I think with personality disorders like BPD it's good to remember that it does all stem from a place of devastation, from emotional damage severe enough to produce shitty coping strategies for intolerable pain. It's not about being a bad person (though of course they can do fucking shit and abusive things) more a very ill person, who needs certain things to get well that unfortunately might not be available.

I absolutely echo the idea of looking at what draws you to relationships, because it will tell you stuff about your own attachment style. I think from what you have said, it sounds like you two had a codependent dynamic, at least for part of the relationship. You've said you posted on the childhood thread and I am curious about the relationship you had with your mother so will read that - I admit I wonder if you were a parentified child, or whether your parents made you responsible for their happiness. I am just idly speculating here, I am not for a moment trying to press these ideas upon you!!

As I said above anyway I think you are doing great now you have got away from the toxic relationship.

Also I think sometimes when you get away from abuse, it can be difficult for you to see how far you have come - the everyday grind can seem a bit meh, but in reality if you think back to how terrible everything was when you were reeling and devastated and surviving all that chaos, you can see how much you have achieved.

No, my mother didn't make me responsible for her happiness. But she was quite volotile growing up. She's much calmer now. And i winner hour much of thst perception is still XW having dinner into me for the whole 10 years that my mother was evil. She was very good at team splitting and making people's bass points worse than you thought, if that makes sense.

It's probably hard to find now, OhDear. So here's what I said:

^"My mother became a single parent when I was 4, just after we'd moved to a new village. We had no extended family, so she was always stressed and skint so we didn't have a lot of luxuries.

At the age of 7, I was sexually abused by a babysitter and got expelled from school shortly afterwards to acting up (no, no charges were ever brought up). Then grew up being the bullied outcast who had no friends and got beaten up in school on a regular basis. A step dad came on the scene when I was about 10 who hated me and made sure I knew it all my fault I was being picked on because I was just weird.

It took me a few years to get my head straight after leaving school. I'm just trying to make my 3 kids childhoods better than mine was. I hope I'm doing a good job of it."^

I'm not sure about codependency, I don't know much about the subject.

Italics didn't seem to work, there.

I am so sorry to hear that you were abused. I am so sorry that happened to you.

I am sure you are doing a sterling job of being a good dad

It was a very, very long time ago. But I think that answers the question up thread of why I would end up in such a relationship. Fact is, the thing I admit guilt about is that the fact that I just accepted and went along with it all because I was so pleased that someone was actually showing me love. And things weren't always bad between us. The behaviour was always there, but when I was younger I just let her lead and did as I was told. But at some point I was no longer satisfied with that and believed I was worth more than being basically a lap dog.

I think that's why she got a new one. And one of the reasons things fell to pieces; I just wasn't doing as I was told anymore. I was actually saying when she was being unfair on us. Her knew partner is basically the stupidest and most pliable person I've ever seen - I actually feel sorry for him even though he was having an affair with my wife before she left. I mean, she once accused him of raping a teenager and ran off with someone else, then went back to him and he accepted it. Even in my lowest times I had more self respect than that.

As for the abuse, while I don't want to go into too many details, I don't want to mislead anyone in thinking what I'm referring to. Basically, a teenage girl who I'm pretty sure was re-enacting what had been done to her. Or possibly just experimenting just experimenting in readiness for boys her age, I guess. A bit of a head f* for a small child, but not necessarily what you'd be imagining.